(Author's notes:... for those you who don't know, this is the 'prequel' to my story "Absolute Power." All of the continuity of that is based in here. I'm sure you've noticed that I've reposted this story a few times... I just want it easily accessed to people who want to get all of my continuity. Thanx. -MujakiX)
M A D W O R L D . . .
by MujakiX
based on the song 'Mad World' by Tears For Fears.
All around me are familiar faces,
worn out faces,
worn out faces...
I woke up that afternoon with an odd feeling in my mind... something that I could not really place. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and pulled on my robes once again. They were quite wrinkled by now - I had pulled them over me like a blanket. Not that anyone would care - it was supper and everyone would have wrinkled clothing by this time of day. A slight breeze tickled the back of my neck. My window had been open all day, and the air in my room was heavy with the scent of rain... maybe it was just me. I closed my window and walked to the common room. Many first-years were lounging about on the various chairs and sofas, weary faces clearly showing that they had not yet adjusted to their class schedules. I scanned the room for my friends... I could see Neville at one far corner playing Chess with Colin... I never figured Colin to have the patience for Chess. Ron sat with Hermione at the long table, and I went out to greet them.
" ' Lo Harry!" Ron had already caught sight of me and waved me down. I sat down next to Hermione, who immediately leaned over to give me a quick, friendly embrace. Rolls of parchment and ink were strewn about the table, and Ron's gripsack was overturned, spilling it's contents onto the table.
I stifled a smile as he frantically searched through his belongings. "What are you looking for?"
He looked up, his face indignant and cheeks flushed red, "My Divination textbook! We have her tomorrow, and I can't find the sodding book!"
Hermione gave me an exhausted look, "He's been at this for hours. He already tore through his trunk and raided Fred's things."
Bright and early for the daily races,
going nowhere,
going nowhere...
I shut my eyes for a moment; I was laying in my bed that morning, staring out the window as the sun began to reach above the horizon, painting the sky violet. Sleep had eluded me for the past few nights... there was enough on my mind without having to worry about insomnia. At least in the quiet, I could reflect on things past... Cedric, his intangible form asking me to return his body to Hogwarts... the dark encounter in the mansion at Hogsmeade, my one chance of happiness gone... and Ginny. Odd, I thought. Ginny in her first year, always blushing at the sight of me. Ginny now, cold somehow...
"Harry!"
Ron brought me out of my trance. I could see worry in his eyes... Hermione's as well; they had grown increasingly protective of me ever since last year at the Tri-Wizard tournament.
"Where's Ginny?" I spoke aloud the first thought that came into my mind. I did not hear their answer, as I scanned the room again. I caught a glimpse of red hair... she sat on the floor in a dark corner... completely absorbed in the book she was reading: Ron's Divination textbook. Before I could say anything, Ron started up and stalked across the room. Hermione and I were frozen as Ron snatched up the book from Ginny's hands.
"What are you doing with this?" Ron's tone was hushed and deadly serious. Ginny sat up immediately and started to walk away. "Where do you think you're going?"
Their tears are filling up their glasses,
no expression,
no expression...
Ginny paled a bit as Ron glared at her, "You know I need this, I have Trelawney's class tomorrow, loads of work, and you just go through my things to take it from me!"
She nervously bit her bottom lip, "I was just reading it... "
"What have I told you about going through my things!" I had never seen Ron so angry before, never so different. Hermione's face was stolid and unbelieving, as was mine. Tears gathered at the corners of Ginny's eyes as he continued, "Ginny, just go away. You are not wanted, never was and never will be!"
Her eyes widened, and she threw the book at Ron's feet. " Fine! Then you'll never see me again, not like you WANTED to anyway!"
She turned and stormed out of the common room, yet everyone remained silent. Harry could see Ginny's face just as she turned... it was cold as stone, but fresh tears streamed down her face.
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow,
no tomorrow,
no tomorrow...
Ron sat down, and the people in the common room warily resumed their conversations. Hermione was simply speechless, but I spoke aloud the first thought that came to me, "Ron, what in the hell was that!"
I walked over to him and grabbed his shoulder... he turned to face me, his eyes full of resentment, "Just leave it Harry, she knows that she isn't supposed to take my things! Its not like you care about her or anything..."
I backed away from him, trying to swallow the acid surge of anger that rose from my stomach, "Not care? Why would you think that I wouldn't care about her?"
Hermione's voice broke into our argument, "You shouldn't have done that, Ron... Harry, let's go."
Slowly, I turned and walked away... the anger subsiding. We walked out of the common room and down a corridor. The windows rattled as an angry, black sky rumbled above.
"She cries at night, do you know that?" Hermione said in a soft, brittle voice, "In her sleep. She cries and holds on to her pillow so tightly her fingers bleed, and the screams... God, Harry, the screams. She'll say things, terrible things... sometimes I have to wake her up because she scares the other girls. They think that Tom, that thing is still inside her... that's why she's always alone. Haven't you noticed that you and I are her only friends?"
By now, we had walked into the courtyard. We sat together on a bench beneath a mammoth willow tree. Hermione gazed into my eyes, as if really looking at me for the first time, "I remember her first year, how she would blush every time she saw you. She followed us around even then... her eyes were so bright and innocent... do you remember that poem she sent you, ' His eyes are as green as a freshly, pickled toad... ' ?" Hermione gave a half-hearted laugh before continuing, "After that incident in the chamber... she was different. She still followed us around, that much is certain, but she didn't laugh anymore. I don't know about you, but after a while it felt as though she wasn't there. Like she was hiding, right in front of us."
And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad...
the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had...
"Ron doesn't understand, and neither do you... not really. Ron doesn't see it because he's her big brother, one of five who see her exactly the same way: she's the youngest, the baby, their little sister."
Hermione suddenly reached for my hand, and she held it close to her heart, "Do you feel that?" Beneath her robes and breast, her heart beat at a steady pace. "Do you feel anything?"
My gaze met hers, and I couldn't say anything. It felt as though she could look right through me, and my words stayed fast at the tip of my tongue. "You don't understand because you're too close to see; you're perfectly willing to get angry in Ginny's name, but you still see her as 'Ron's little sister.' Harry, without books or anything like that, I don't know many things. But I know you, Harry Potter, and there is only one way you can see..."
Hermione leaned in, and our lips met. She kissed me with a smile and tears like rain, and I would be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy that kiss... but I didn't kiss her back. After what seemed like an eternity, she parted. I looked away - I didn't have to see her face to know.
I could hear her voice again, "I was right, wasn't I? That thing in the back of your mind... that's Ginny."
She came close again, brushing against my lips, then whispering, "Sometimes I dream that I had gotten the diary, just so you could have saved me... " She bit her bottom lip, and finally turned away, "Talk to her, Harry, she'll only listen to you." I could breathe again, and I rose from the bench.
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take...
when people run in circles it's a very, very Mad World...
"Harry?" I didn't turn to face her, but that gnawing in the pit of my stomach bothered me again. "I'm not sure what she'll do, Harry."
"I've had this feeling all day," I struggled to find the right words, "this odd feeling. I think I have to talk to her."
Without another word, I ran away. I could no longer hear her, but I knew Hermione was crying.
The corridor was a blur, and when I turned the corner, I ran straight into Filch... "Potter!" he growled, and Mrs. Norris glared at me with burning eyes. "Mr. Filch, did you see Ginny come by a while ago?" Normally I wouldn't have added the 'Mr.', but I needed to find her.
This clearly wasn't what Filch expected to hear, and he narrowed his eyes, "The Weasley girl?"
"Yes!" I almost shouted, but he wouldn't tell me anything if I angered him.
"She ran outside about ten minutes ago... did she do something... HEY!" I shoved past Filch before he could say anything else. Almost as if I had willed it, the front doors of the school flew open just before I passed and slammed shut upon my exit. I slowed a bit, sliding on the damp grass... it was raining. The ground was thick with mud and impeded my movement, but I pressed on. Just before I reached Hagrid's hut, I stopped to look around; she had run off before the rain started, leaving no footprints... but excluding the courtyard and the Quidditch practice field, there was only a single place she could be. My hair now matted to my head and rain blurring my vision, I ran into the Forbidden Forest.
Children waiting for the day they feel good,
happy birthday,
happy birthday...
Running through the forest was difficult, and the tails of my robes were caked with mud. Even the trees did not shield me from rain, leaving my glasses heavily fogged - but I did not need to see when I nearly tripped over a small hole. I came to a halt just long enough to clean my glasses, and I examined the hole: it was one of my own footprints.
"Damn!" I cried out loud, but underneath the echo, I could hear something... another voice. Ginny. I sprinted to my right for all I was worth... and I reached a small clearing - a gorge and a steep drop-off. Standing on top of the stone outcropping, her bare arms spread wide to the heavens, was Ginny. I froze on the spot... she was looking down into the abyss, the fierce wind whipping at her through a thin blouse and skirt.
Without thinking, I cried out to her, "Ginny, please don't do this." She turned a bit, and I could see brown, mournful eyes staring back at me.
"Why not?" she said, turning around to face me, "Ron's right, I'm not wanted."
Her voice was bitter, but her expression softened a bit. I stepped closer to her, trying to read her... how could this be Ginny? Even in the Chamber, her eyes had not possessed the desperation, the sense of... doom that glimmered in them now. Her hair covered her face in wet, red streaks, a stark contrast to her impossibly pale complexion, and her shoulders heaved with every breath she took. She looked like walking death... but this was Ginny, now.
"Of course you are," I stepped forward more boldly, "besides, Ron's a git."
There was an almost skeptical look in her eyes as she folded her frail arms across her chest, "Why are you here?"
I stood right in front of her now, next to her on the outcropping. There were no secrets to tell her now... just the truth. "Because you're here, Ginny."
And to feel the way that every child should,
sit and listen,
sit and listen...
We stood alone in the rain, and not thinking of anything else I could do, I put my arms around her and pulled her close. My head came to rest on the top of hers, and we were just... there. Her head was on my chest, and I wondered if she could feel my heart race.
"Harry, I have nothing worth living for." Her words were muffled, and finally, she cried. She pulled herself closer to me and cried on my shoulder, and I tightened my embrace.
"Ginny, if you jumped, I would have to jump after you." I could feel my tears start to mingle with the rain.
She looked at me with dark brown eyes, "Why would you do that?"
Her voice is almost child-like, but I know better now. Without much thought, I wiped her tears off of one pale cheek. She did the same for me.
"Because you don't deserve this," I let go of her and motion to the pit, "... I... if I lose someone as important as you, I would have no choice but to jump."
Her eyes widened, and I struggled with my words, "It's true Ginny, I think I need you. So you can't jump..." My words failed me, and I stepped down, hoping that what I did say had reached her. She looked at the sky, wiping the rain from her eyes. I extended my hand to her when I reached the ground; a slight smile crossed her face, and she took her first step toward me... and then she doubled over backwards. She slipped from the stones and fell backwards and I lunged to her, gripping the rocks with my left hand as my right went over the side. My wand came out of my pocket and fell into the void, but I could make no motion to retrieve it. My fingers grazed the tips of her shoes, and then grasped at the air. The darkness swallowed her whole, and I was there... alone.
Went to school and I was very nervous,
no one knew me,
no one knew me...
The walk back to Hogwarts was a daze, an excruciating daze. I wandered around in the forest for about an hour, until it decided that I had wandered enough. I stumbled past Hagrid's hut, through mud and stone and the front doors... the sky dimmed as I stepped into the Great Hall. There were still some who lingered at the long tables, and I suddenly became very self-conscious... what if they ask where I've been? My hands were shaking, and I hid them beneath my robe. A first-year eyed me quite strangely, and I turned away. I could hear him whispering to his friends, gossiping, laughing: Hey, there goes Harry Potter, the boy who killed Ginny Weasley! A chill ran through my body, and I knew I had to leave. I turned and walked out of the Great Hall. No, I wasn't fast enough... and I broke into a full run. My lungs screamed for rest, but I could still hear them, see them!
I didn't see Hagrid in front of me, and I ran straight into him. "Evenin' Harry! Where 'ave ya' been?"
"F-forest..." My voice came out tinny and false.
"Hey 'arry, what business did ya 'ave in the... Harry... boy, what's wrong?"
A dark bush of hair filled my vision, and I felt strong hands supporting me. I was glad that they were, because my legs suddenly gave out. Hagrid eased me to the ground and gave me a gentle shake. "Yer' a mess! Harry, answer me!" "Harry!" I felt footsteps on the hard floor, and Ron's voice echoed in the wide corridor.
"Hagrid, what happened!"
"I don't know! I was comin' down the hall an' he jus' fell in front of me!"
A scream swelled in my throat, and I violently thrashed up, "Ginny! No!" The corridor hazed, and I fell to the ground.
Hello Teacher tell me what's my lesson,
look right through me,
look right through me...
"... an' he jus' flopped back to the floor. I can't tell ya' what happened to him, but all I can imagine is somethin' terrible. Dumbledore, I swear that I'll search every inch of that forest until I find out what 'appened there!"
I could feel a silky warmth permeate through every part of me, and I opened my eyes. I saw myself wrapped in stark, white blankets... I was in the hospital wing. At the far end of the hall, I could see Hagrid speaking to Dumbledore, the visible parts of his cheeks flushed an angry red.
Dumbledore nodded, but met Hagrid's words, "Hagrid, I can assure you that there will be no need for that. I, however, need to speak with our young Potter alone."
Hagrid stubbornly gave a quick nod, and left the room. With a steady gaze, Dumbledore turned and walked toward my bed. "I can safely assume that you are awake, Harry?"
A barely audible sound came from my lips, and he understood. He came next to me and sat at the foot of the bed, "Harry... this may be a difficult lesson for you to learn at your age, but you might recall what I once said about the truth."
I absent-mindedly nodded, avoiding his eyes. "But the truth is something that you must understand. What happened to Ginny Weasley was not your fault... there are some of us, even the best of us, who doubt their right to exist. What Ginny did was her own choice, and even you couldn't have saved her..."
Dumbledore's word's began to sink in, and something inside me stirred. Without warning, it rose up and used my voice, "No! I did save her, don't you understand!"
He gazed at me with a sad resignation in his eyes, and I saw that he didn't know.
"I saved her, Dumbledore! I took her in my arms and held her and we cried. We cried together and she was alright! I reached out to take her hand, to bring her back, but the rocks were slippery, and...a... and she fell. She fell, and I reached... I lost my wand... and I couldn't reach her. Oh God!"
All the tears I had cried already rushed back and I just let go, let it all go until my sheets were stained red from where my fingers had gripped it. I looked back into Dumbledore's eyes... he looked as if the air had been knocked out of him and the color drained from his face.
"I lost my wand... and I couldn't reach her..."
And I find it kind of funny,
I find kind of sad...
the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had...
"You... lost your wand?" Dumbledore said at last. I never really thought of him as an old man before, but right now, that's exactly what he looked like: a tired old man.
"Yes, it fell out when I tried to reach Ginny. When she fell... I thought of using a charm, but it had already fallen..." I felt disturbed seeing Dumbledore's face like that, but I thought of something - the doors opened as if I had willed them to...- and a sense of dread rose within me.
"Harry... for basic charms... you don't need your wand." His voice broke, as if realizing for the first time that Ginny had fallen. A silent, bitter laugh echoed in my mind, but no more tears could come... there were no more. I lay back down... settling in. Dumbledore placed his hand on my shoulder, and he turned and left. My eyes are closed now, and I see myself standing at the gorge, my arms around her. Safe, and she gives me a bittersweet smile just before the wind blows...
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take;
when people run in circles,
it's a very, very... Mad World...
E... N... D...