Note: I did not write any of the Hitchhiker series (darn!), and any and all copied phrases to Douglass Adams' writings are either purely coincidental or carefully copied.
Marvin Has a Day (oh no, not another one!)
Medium Rary was happy. This was hardly surprising since it was closing time on Friday, he had made double his usual salary working half as hard, and at least three beautiful humanoids from Tepapa IV had asked for his holophone number. He smiled to no one in particular as he pictured himself lying on one of the beaches of Cal'forn'a with all three of the beautiful humanoids from Tepapa IV lying around him. Locking the door to his office, which wished him a happity-dappity day, he then proceeded to walk down the hallway but was prevented from doing so due to fact that he walked into his boss and fell down on top of him. Getting up off the floor, he asked his boss, "Yes?"
"Rary, you're fired," said his boss, whose name will remain nameless due to the fact the author is not feeling very creative right now.
"What?" yelped Medium. He was so surprised that he dropped his paycheck which floated right into his boss' outstretched hand.
"Rary, you're fired," repeated his boss, pocketing the 1,000 stellarbuck paycheck, then added "Thanks, but I was going to ask you for this in a minute anyway."
"But-but-but…" stammered Medium.
"No buts, no cuts, no alligator guts," said his boss firmly. "You've been fired, and I quote The Boss' Handbook, chapter 8715A section 1018 paragraph 89 and three quarters: 'Any employee fired must hand over his or her or its paycheck earned the day of firing to the boss, no exceptions.'"
"But-but" stammered Medium "I was working so hard today and never was late and hooked you up with my sister…"
"One, you're a lazy bum fit for the furnace, two, you were late today, and three, you're sister is uglier than my mother. And that's saying something!" replied boss with no name as he hurled Medium out the door.
Medium stumbled home and decided to call up the three beautiful women to cheer himself up. But his mood dropped again when all three told him that they had had one too many drinks that night and had confused him with the hot new superstar Dustin Chimberlake. So, feeling like the remains of a queasy antelope, he trudged along the path to the local bar, the Ur-Anus. As he was walking down the street, he bumped into a Sonyian. Now Sonians are vile, ugly, violent, unpopular creatures that are about as peaceful as a rabid bulldog. They like to pick fights with anything that bumps into them, and are willing to fight anyone except one of the mysterious inhabitants of Nintendoo 64. Anyway, as Medium bumped into the Sonyian, the muttered "Sorry," but unfortunately for him, this word sounds exactly like the Sonyian phrase for "Your mother looks and smells like a pile of crap and so do you."
"WHAT YOU SAY!" the Sonyian bellowed.
"Uhhh…I uhh…" stammered Medium, but this is as far as he got before he got a closer look at the Sonyian fist than he would have preferred. You see, "Uhhh…I uhh…" translates into "You are fit to scrub the toilet of my toilet-scrubber," in Sonyian. About an hour later Medium found himself in the Ur-Anus bar, surrounded by Sonyians and with a lighter wallet.
"Oh my head…" was all he managed to utter before a thrown knife whizzed past his head. The observant reader should by now have picked up on the fact that pretty much anything one can say in any language possible is an insult in Sonyian. This is one of the reasons many believe that Sonyians are so grumpy.
Managing to escape the following bar fight by an impressive display of agility, an astonishing show of speed, and a ridiculous amount of luck from the author, Medium stumbled out the door. An innocent robot who happened to be passing walked into Medium, who seemed to be bumping into a lot of people today.
"Zark off, tin man," gargled Medium.
"You first, biological" replied the robot.
The two stared with unabashed hatred before Medium collapsed into the robot's arms, howling with grief.
"I'm having such a bad day!" shrieked Medium.
"You are?" asked the robot. "How about me? Did your parents disown you today? How about your dog? Did it get hit by a hovercar? Did you find out your girlfriend is actually your sister? Did your home planet get destroyed? Were you dismantled twice today for fun?" droned the robot with absolutely no emotion.
"I…umm…bumped into someone," said Medium feebly, his day not really sounding all that bad anymore.
"You see, I'm feeling sorta bad right now," said the robot. "I'm thinking of flying a ship into a star or something like that to end my miserable existence."
"No! Suicide is not the answer. It never accomplishes anything, and always results in sadness" said Medium.
"So when Thirsta the Nun killed himself before he was about to take over the galaxy when his wife left him, everyone was overcome with grief," continued the robot.
"Uh, let's talk about it," said Medium, who was fighting a losing battle.
"Well it all started this morning…"