Sketches in a Colored Blur
by eun-ha
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply. Arigatou Nobuhiro-sama!
Author's Notes: This is a collection of one-shots. All K&K pairing. Not all will fall under the drama category. But well, most will. I'll try to explain the meaning of this collection as we go on through the process.I don't really like the title. But it's the best that I can think of. I don't know if you'll all like it. There are a lot of grammatical errors, I didn't have the time to check it. So please do check it for me. This is my first one-shot. Anyhow, do enjoy it. Read and review!
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1: Of delusions
"I wish I could hold you 'till we were both dead!" (Heathcliff)
Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
She looked up. Many times she had asked herself why she could never be loved. And many times the answer was shoved in her face.
What could be more painful? She wanted to know. She wanted to know the real reason. She just can't accept the fact and try to live through it. The answer was her survival. It meant her life. It meant her sanity.
And she's slowly losing everything. Sometimes she just wanted to end it all and surrender herself to the pain. And sometimes she just wanted to lie down and sleep forever. Maybe dying would be less painful than the fact that she can never be loved.
For two years she had waited, and she knows she's willing to wait more than that. If she has to wait for an eternity she would. Only, he doesn't want her to wait. She needs assurance. Just assurance. Be it wordless. She just needed that to make sure her waiting wouldn't be wasted.
But as far as she knows she never got assurance. Even if she already asked for it. Many times she did ask, but many times she got rejected. During those times she wanted to melt, she wanted to die. Does she have to die first to be noticed?
Maybe. Maybe she has to first. But then after some shedding of tears, if he would, he'll forget her soon afterwards. That's how unimportant she is to him, she thought.
She bit her lower lip. The only man I love like this can never love me back. She wheezed. She felt alone, alone all her life. When he came she thought everything would change. She thought that finally she would be happy. She would have someone to take care of and someone to take care of her. She thought that at last she would have a reason to live. She thought that at last she would have someone who would stay with her forever.
But she was wrong.
She lived in constant dread of being alone again. She always feared that one day he would talk to her and tell her that he has to go. And thinking about that day always makes her cry. And here she was thinking she was strong and sturdy.
Deep inside she's aching. Paining. Vulnerable. Right now she wanted to be coaxed, to be caressed, to be hugged, to be secured in his arms. But she knows those things will never happen.
Why would he ever want her? After the first woman in his life, why would he want someone so ugly, so lame? Yes she felt so ugly. Especially in front of him. After he's had a beautiful and perfect woman why would he want to stoop low and go back to the primitives? She looked down at her lap. Of course he wouldn't.
She smiled bitterly. At least she knows the answer why he could never love her. She envied the first woman. She envies her so much. If only she could be like her. Maybe he would love her a little, maybe even more.
She wanted to cry, yet she knows she mustn't. She had cried for him for so many times. Yet she knows that it doesn't matter to him if she'd cried for him for so many times. He would never care.
Maybe he would. If I'll cry more. She shook her head. So much for her self-pity.
There are things that she wanted to know. Things about him and the first woman. There are things that bother her, even in sleep. She wanted to know. She wanted to know how much he had loved her and how much he loves her. Was it so much that even though the first woman is no longer here he loves her still so much?
Maybe. Maybe yes it was too much. Maybe yes that's why he could never love her back. Maybe no, maybe that's not just the reason why he could never love her. Maybe because she was ugly and she wasn't perfect.
She felt a tear trickled down. She wanted to know. She wanted to. Only if she could ask him.
She stood up, feeling tired and beaten. I'll rest now, and maybe I'll sleep forever.
She had found him on the porch. She had always. Only now she was sure he was thinking of the first woman in his life. Today was the twelfth year of her death. She knows he was bleeding inside. She wanted to help him. But she knows he doesn't want her to meddle.
She walked towards him. And he had been always alert, he turned his head.
She smiled, "May I sit beside you?"
"Of course Kaoru-dono," he smiled then went back staring into space.
Kaoru-dono. Why does he have to call her like that? It was so distant, so cruel, so unaffectionate. The way he calls her alone proved that they could never be together. The name acts as a barrier. He wants her out of his life. That's the reason for the name.
"Is it really okay if I sit here and talk with you?"
"Of course," he nodded.
Somewhere, somehow, she could feel that she is unwanted, that she is unneeded here. But she wants to see him, to talk to him, to have him answer the questions that have been plaguing her.
"Do you want to talk?"
He didn't. He didn't answer.
"Will you answer my questions?" she inquired, wary.
"Have you finished the novel you're reading?"
She stopped talking. He wanted her to go away.
"Hai," she nodded, "Will you tell me something?"
"It's getting late. Maybe you should sleep now."
"I'm not yet sleepy."
He swallowed hard.
"Do you miss her?" she smiled. She had wanted to ask him this. Though she already knows the answer. Of course he does. And that's painful.
He didn't answer.
"Oh I know you do," she faked a laugh, trying to sound casual. She doesn't want him to know that she's trying to tell him that she's here.
He turned to her.
She looked up, gazing at the ebony sky with stars dispelled across the zenith. "Tell me, how do…how do you call her?"
He stared at her still.
"Do you call her Tomoe-dono?" she tried to hide the trembling of her voice, "Oh but that wouldn't be nice, would it? You call someone with that honorific if they were older, or of higher position, or if you treat them as brothers and little sisters. Calling her like that would be very unaffectionate. Maybe you call her Tomoe-chan or Tomoe-kun. But that doesn't sound like you."
"Kaoru-dono."
"Oh I know," she smiled and turned to face him, quickly looking back at the sky, "Maybe you call her Tomoe-koishii? Maybe that's it. That sounds pretty romantic. Wonder when I'll get to be called like that."
"Kaoru-dono."
"Maybe it's fun when someone calls you like that. Maybe it makes you feel important," she sighed, "But never mind. I know I'll never get to hear it with my own name attached to it."
He gazed back at the sky.
"I know you miss her so much," she said bitterly, "Why wouldn't you miss someone so beautiful and so perfect?"
He bit his lower lip.
"Though I never met her, I know she's kind," she smiled, her voice rising a pitch higher, "And I know too that she's beautiful." She laughed, "And she's very ladylike. She has a very pearly skin and very shiny long hair. Unlike me. Always sweating and panting. My skin's rough and my hair, though long, is indeed rough and not shiny. Now I understand why Yahiko calls me busu."
He wondered why she was telling him this. He wanted to stop her. But something inside him wanted her to continue. Something inside him wanted to listen to her.
"Oh and from Megumi I know that she could cook very well. Maybe she had been a very good wife ne? Tell me," she looked at Kenshin and her heart bled when she thought he wasn't listening, "What was the happiest moment you had with her?"
He didn't answer.
"Oh I know," she felt stupid, "Maybe that was when you met her for the first time? Hiko told me that, I'm not really sure; you met her when she was very drunk. You took her home when she passed out. Ne? Wasn't that very romantic? It's like one of the scenes in the novels I read. It's like a prince rescuing a damsel in distress." She laughed bitterly, her sanity shattering to a million pieces.
"Kaoru-dono," he hissed her name. But he thought she never heard her.
She trembled, "Maybe being her husband was the greatest thing that happened in your life. Maybe she was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to you," she laughed again, "What am I saying. I should've omitted the maybe. It was a fact. Forgive me for being so stupid."
It hit something in him. He turned his head to gaze at her again and he was puzzled at the look in her eyes. Though she was smiling her blue pools clearly reflected the pain and agony. If this is painful for her then why is she doing this?
"Imagine," she continued, "Living a peaceful life with a beautiful wife by your side. It must be perfect!" She tried to sound happier, but the pain was somewhat visible. "You must have always anticipated going home from work because of her. How I wish someone would anticipate going home because I'm his wife." She shrugged again, "But that would never happen. Would it?" She turned to him.
He noticed her avoiding eye contact. He turned away too. Her eyes showing too much emotion. Too much for him.
"Maybe she too. Maybe she had also anticipated seeing you come home every night. Who wouldn't?" She asked, referring to herself, "Maybe you two were really destined for each other. Just like the novels I read. The characters always say I love you." She choked, "When would I get to hear it being told to me?" She waved a hand of dismissal, "Of course it would never happen. Who would want someone so stupid like me? Someone so ugly?" She laughed, "No one of course."
Doesn't she know? He felt a choking sensation and he wanted to say something to her.
"She's very lucky to have found you," she smiled. I'm very lucky to have met you. I cannot ask for anything more than that. "And you too." But I'm sorry you were very unfortunate to have met someone so stupid like me. "You were very lucky you have found her. She is perfect. I know why you can't forget her."
He stood up.
She looked up at him. Maybe she had said a lot. She stood up too, "I'm going to bed now. Thanks for chatting with me. I'm tired and sleepy." She turned her back to him, facing the direction to her room.
"Kaoru-dono," he called.
She didn't turn. She smiled, "I guess I just have to keep on reading novels. Happy endings don't happen always in real life. Especially if the heroine is not really like a heroine. When the heroine's someone very ugly and very stupid and very lame… At least in novels I can always imagine and never get rejected." She walked away, tears pouring down like rain.
He kept on staring into space. Kaoru-dono. She had opened her heart. She had told him how she feels. But he was too afraid, too weak to tell her that she thinks too little of herself.
Yes he misses Tomoe. His wife, his beloved wife. And he would never love again like the way he had loved her. But Kaoru had taken a special place in his heart. And he thought she already knows. But the talk earlier proved that she doesn't.
I never told her.
Many times she had approached him and told him of her love, but always he had stayed silent. And maybe she had mistaken his silence for rejection.
She had told him, indirectly though, that she envies Tomoe. He doesn't know how to make her feel better with herself. Maybe she really is okay with herself before he came and showed her that it's hard to love especially if he already had someone like Tomoe.
He knew, from the talk, that she hated being called Kaoru-dono. So distant.
She was the woman he had longed to openly cherish. But he was afraid of tainting her, of staining her pure and innocent being. She was the woman who had accepted him without hesitations. She was the woman who had given her heart as home to him. Why can't he tell her then? He wanted to tell her yet the fear of leading her into something dangerous always pops up.
It was not a surprise if she hadn't even a clue to his feelings. He never let it show through. His feelings are just his to hide. But sometimes he can't avoid but let it show through his mask. From the way he calls her, though now he knows it pains her, to the way he watches over her when they go out. Everything he does for her he does reverently, as if one wrong deed would mean sacrilege.
He thought, that through those two years, they had finally grown mature for their silent relationship. Understanding the meaning behind those masked emotions, behind those hidden words, behind those deep stares. But he was wrong.
She needed assurance too. And that was something he had failed to give her. And now that it was Tomoe's death anniversary she was doing more self-loathing than ever. He can't blame her for not understanding his way of loving her. It was his fault too for he never explained to her.
She has more faith in the novels that she reads. He knows she believed that only in novels could she hear the words I love you. He too, can't still manage to tell her.
Maybe soon. Some other time. Not yet.
She stared at the mirror, scissors in hand. She hated what she sees. Her reflection. So ugly. So ugly. So lame. So stupid. Tears fell from her eyes. She can't bring herself to stop.
My hair is too coarse and not shiny. Only Tomoe can be beautiful with long locks. Only the women of her kind. And unfortunately I'm not one of them.
She raised the scissors to her hair, her heart pounding heavily. A sob came from her mouth and she bit her lower lip to muffle the sound. Her lips were dry; her eyes were swollen after crying for so long.
She breathed in sharply, her lungs burning due to the harsh intake of breath. Her hands trembled. Her whole body shivered. She wanted to end everything.
She took a handful of her hair and slowly, hatefully, ran the scissors through it. She hated herself. She hated herself for being born ugly and unworthy to be loved. She bitterly cut her hair, unevenly, until it reaches up to her chin. Now she looks uglier. But at least she wouldn't look like someone trying hard to be like Tomoe. It would, she thought, make him notice her a little.
She continued crying, the scissors still in her hand. She wanted to thrust it into her heart but her trembling hands failed her.
"Kaoru what did you do to yourself?" Megumi came rushing to her, finding her in the dojo with swollen eyes and haphazardly cut hair.
She didn't answer. She kept on crying. Her words muffled by sobs. The tears won't stop. She felt lifeless, dulled, as if the life in her was sucked out. She wanted to sleep. She wanted to die.
"Kaoru, what happened," Megumi took her hand. "Yahiko," she called out, "Come here I need help!"
"I want to die," she whispered, her voice barely audible.
"Don't say that!" Megumi exclaimed, trying to pull her up. She placed a hand on her forehead, "You're sick. You're just delirious Kaoru. Come on now. Don't do this to yourself." She was worried.
Yahiko came in after a few minutes and was stunned to see his sensei like that. He quickly helped Megumi bring her to her room.
"I want to die!" she shouted, breaking into deliriousness. Her body became limp as the two tried to pull her up.
She blinked many times, adjusting her eyes to the dark. She heard whispers and murmurs. She roamed her eyes and found Megumi wiping her forehead with something wet. She tried to brush it away but was too weak to move.
"Everything's going to be fine," she heard Megumi say.
She blinked her eyes, a cloud making her vision hazy. She felt tired and her eyes too. She looked up to see Megumi. Someone came in and she heard murmurs.
She closed her eyes and realized that Megumi had already left. But whose hand was it stroking her hair? She opened her eyes again. Too tired, too beaten. Who is it? The fever was slowly besieging her. Her mouth felt dry and hot. Her lungs felt burning and heavy. And her whole body was aching and trembling.
"Kaoru-dono…"
Kenshin. It was his voice. The voice she had been longing to hear. His. The man she had been longing to claim. The man she knows would never be hers.
"Kaoru-dono…daijoubu?"
She can't respond. She felt too weak to say something. She wanted him to caress her and hug her tight and make her feel all right. She reached out a hand to touch his face but she faltered before her hand joined his skin. "I…I…" she tried to say.
He shook his head, "Rest now. You need to rest."
"I…I need you here…" she whispered, trying to get up.
"Sshh…take some sleep. It'll make you feel better," he gently forced her down on the bed.
"Kenshin…" she drew in a sharp breath, "I…I…I l-love you…"
He gazed at her, ran his fingers through her hair and said nothing. Until now he can't respond to her.
"Do you? Do you…do you l-love…me…t-too?" she waited, her breathing becoming ragged. Her vision blurring because of the fever.
He didn't answer but continued running his fingers through her hair, "I'll be here."
"Kenshin—"
"Sshh…"
She cried, her tears flowing endlessly.
"You can leave me now here Yahiko. Today's training is done," she said dryly. She watched as her student left the dojo, closed the wooden door and left her alone. Lately she had been too occupied. Too occupied with thoughts of him. She can't seem to do anything correctly without being sarcastic.
She wondered where her cheerfulness and her gaiety had gone. She used to be so light hearted, always happy and though she's feeling some pain she can easily hide it with her smiles. But after cutting her hair and becoming besieged by fever she can now never return to normal.
It was more than two weeks since she got well from the fever. Megumi and Tae had taken care of her haphazardly cut hair. They decided to give it an uneven cut, some locks curling under her ears. The longest locks reaching the end of her nape.
Now she really looks like a boy. She had never worn a kimono ever since. She had never looked herself in the mirror. It would only remind her of how deep she had let herself fall. She never went to the market again. She never went back to her normal life. Even talking to him hadn't been normal again. She doesn't want to talk to him.
He would surely just mock her. She doesn't want to belittle herself again. She had enough. She never talked to him like before again. She answered in little nods but she never engaged herself in conversations with him. It would only remind her of her failure to make him love her.
Suddenly the wooden door open.
She turned, expecting to see her student.
"Kaoru-dono …" his voice trailed off.
"I'll clean the dojo myself," she told him, avoiding his eyes.
"I want to talk to you."
"I'll clean the dojo now," she felt her heart rising to her throat.
"I'll talk to you first," he walked towards her and reached out a hand to touch her arm.
She flinched, "Nani?"
"You know what," he smiled gently, "I think your hair looks good on you…"
She didn't answer.
"I was kind of worried because you're slowly changing. What's happening?" he touched her arm and though she flinched he still held her arm.
"Nothing. Nothing. I'm fine."
"You aren't."
"I am."
"You aren't."
"I am!" she shouted, freeing herself from his hold. She turned to face him. "Go out now!"
"I won't."
"I told you to go out now!" she pointed heatedly to the door. "Go out! Leave me alone!"
"I told you I won't!" he breathed in deeply, "Now…can we talk?"
She stared at him, her lips trembling, "Why are you doing this?"
He smiled gently, taking a step closer to her. He touched her arm and pulled her closer.
"You never answered!" she felt tears coming. Slowly, tears trickled down her cheeks. She sobbed. She thought she would be stronger now. But it seems like she cries more easily now.
He nodded, encircling her with his arms, pulling her closer.
"Why didn't you answer?" she cried. Sobs escaped her mouth.
"Because I was afraid I'll have to hurt you."
"I don't…Liar!" she pulled away. She glared at him through stinging tears. She felt her heart palpitating, her lungs burning. She bit her lower lip to muffle herself.
"I'm not asking you to believe. I just want you to listen to me," he pleaded.
"Liar! Liar…liar…liar…" she fell on her knees, her face covered by her hands.
"Kaoru-dono…" he bent down to hug her.
"Liar!" she reached the distances between them and slapped him across his face.
He stood still.
She too. She stood still, unbelieving what she had done. She can't believe she had hurt him. He whom she loves so well. She stared down at her palm, trembling, afraid, whispering apologies.
He reached out a hand to tilt her face, "Kaoru-dono…"
She looked up, his cheek flushed from the impact. She reached out to touch his cheek, sobbing as she saw the reddening. Quickly, she wound her arms around his neck, "Gomen nasai Kenshin…gomen…"
He nodded, "Daijoubu."
"Gomen."
He ran his fingers through her short hair, "Daijoubu."
She cried, whispering apologies into his skin. She buried her face deep into his neck and sobbed.
"It'll be alright now," he whispered.
She lay on his lap, her fingers entwined to his. They were in her room. The storm had passed and finally she can smile.
"I used to call her just Tomoe," he whispered.
"Nani?" she looked up. She sat up slowly, facing him.
"I used to call her just Tomoe. To answer your question from the talk we had," he smiled.
She smiled back. Not really minding if he had called more intimately. She shook her head. Knowing that he's with her is enough for her. She wholeheartedly thanked Tomoe for that.
"Honestly," he started, tracing her chin with a finger, "I love her so much. And yes you're right. I'd been happy during the short time we've been together."
"I know," she whispered.
"I loved her and she'll forever have a special place in my heart."
She nodded. "You don't have to tell me…I understand…"
"Iie. There are so many things I left unsaid. I thought not telling you how I really feel will keep you away from harm, from the life I led as a hitokiri. But I failed to realize that physical pain is nothing compared to emotional pain. With my decision to keep you safe I compromised your emotional being. Gomen nasai. I thought doing what I think best would keep you happy, little did I know that by doing it I only increased your pain," he murmured, his other hand squeezing her hand.
"Daijoubu Kenshin…I understand. I should've since the beginning. I was just too superficial. Forgive me."
"Iie. You aren't superficial. I, I thought too little of you. Gomen. Suman de gozaru yo. I failed a lot of times to tell you how I feel. My silence, my silence hurt you."
"You don't have to do this Kenshin. You know I love you so much," she gathered his hands into her palms and held them tightly. "Kenshin," she whispered his name like a prayer.
"I'm sorry if I let myself be pulled back by memories from the past.'
"I'm not asking you to forget about Tomoe. If it weren't for her…I wouldn't have met you."
He nodded. He pulled her into his arms and buried his face into her hair, "Forgive me for being too late. You might've thought that after Tomoe I'll never love again. As I said she'll always have a special place in my heart. But I can love more Kaoru-dono."
"Arigatou," she whispered.
"Suman if I let you wallow for too long in those novels," he laughed gently.
She smiled.
"There's still something I haven't told you."
She gazed at him innocently.
"I love you. I love you more than words can say."
She nodded, her eyes rounding and brightening.
"Your hair looks good on you, really," he laughed.
She laughed too, "I love you too."
He bent down to kiss her, finally realizing that at last he can be unguarded as much as he want to be. He had wanted to freely cherish this beautiful woman in front of her. Even in thoughts he had been silent about his love for her. He had denied even to himself the pleasure of loving such an unselfish woman.
She smiled warmly to him as he pulled back, "I still can't believe we've been through a lot."
"Me too."
"Welcome home love."
"I'm home now Kaoru-koishii," he smiled.
End
Author's Notes: So how was it for a one-shot? The ending wasn't that good. But I hoped you like it. This is my first one shot. It was nice to write. Anyhow, do review. Thanks a lot!
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