The Last Worthless Evening

Summary: The thoughts and actions of Bronwyn on the last night of her life.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Matrix or any of the characters in the movies. The lyrics to "The Last Worthless Evening" by Don Henley have been used without permission.

Once he had left, Bronwyn breathed easier. It had been a simple matter to get Smith to leave her by herself; all she had had to do was tell him that there was only one bakery in the city that had made her favourite New York-style cheesecake, and conveniently, the store was located on the extreme edge of the city limits. With any luck, he would be gone for at least twenty to thirty minutes and that would give her time to think and act without interruption.

Smith had wanted to send one of his other selves to get it for her, but she told him that she and Jones knew where this place was to be found, and since Smith had claimed more than once that he had retained all of Jones' memories, she challenged him to prove it to her once and for all by finding the bakery and getting what she had requested.

Bronwyn cringed when she remembered what had happened the night before between herself and Smith. She had been half-asleep and thought Jones was the one in bed with her only to discover that she was in Smith's arms and he had been the one that had made love to her.

The memory of this morning, discovering that it had been Smith instead of Jones in her bed last night, made her nauseous and ill if she allowed herself to think about it. I could have lived with what happened between us, Bronwyn thought, but what I cannot live with is the knowledge that I took such pleasure in our lovemaking to such an extent I would never have dreamed possible and I am certain that Smith knows it too.

I cannot go on living like this, she thought. Always being watched by Smith or one of his other selves, always in his company, never allowed outside the hotel suite even for a moment…I am his prisoner. And on top of everything, he had asked the hotel staff not to send up any more liquor and he took away all of my pills. He said he would return both to me if I submitted myself to him, willingly and without reserve, to do with as he pleases.

I would rather die than allow a repeat performance of last night to happen again; to wake up and find him next to me, knowing full well that I had sold myself to yet another buyer in return for mind-numbing substances. What is even more repulsive is the possibility of my body betraying me like it did last night; I cannot bear the thought of it welcoming his touch and caresses in the middle of the night when I am at my weakest and most vulnerable. Despite the fact that I hate him for everything and everyone he has taken from me, I have to acknowledge that I enjoyed everything he did to me last night. The aftermath of the mutual passion that we shared in the dark, coupled with the ugly regret and guilt that revealed itself to me this morning in the light of day, made me realize that our being together must never happen again.

With great difficulty, Bronwyn removed what could have been disappointment from her mind and focused on what she had to do, and do soon, if she had any hope of succeeding. No. I have to do it. But first, I need to clear my head before I can think properly and with his copies always standing guard outside my room preventing me from leaving without his permission, there is only one place in this suite where I can do that.

She got out of bed and put a CD in the player on the nightstand and as her selected song played, she went to the balcony, opened the sliding doors, and stepped outside. The view from the penthouse suite of the five-star hotel that Smith had brought her to was usually breath-taking, but tonight, the combination of the dark cloudy sky and the night lights from the city was gloomy and matched her mood perfectly.

She inhaled the brisk night air deeply and she felt the conflicting desire to continue living race through her. To be even thinking of dying in May, with the budding of new life everywhere she looked, broke what remained of her heart.

I know you broke up with him, and your heart's still on the shelf
It's been over two years for me, and I'm still not quite myself

You can't be with someone new and you can't go back to him
You're beginning to realize that it's sink or swim

I see you around sometimes, and my heart just melts
Looking like if you had your wish, you'd be somewhere else

There is nothing left for me to live for in this world, this life—Smith took it all away in the space of a few hours during that horrible night, almost two weeks ago. I would have been in my eighth month or very close to it, she thought sadly, resting her hand over the place where her child had once grew inside her.

And it just breaks my heart to see you here this way
Someday I'll get the nerve to walk up to you and say

This is the last worthless evening that you'll have to spend
Just give me a chance to show you how to love again

This is the last worthless evening that you'll have to spend
'Cause I'll be there when your broken heart is on the mend

But there were no movements from within in response to her touch now, nothing. Not even the once familiar feel of a strong kick from a foot, or a soft nudge from a hand or elbow. I am completely empty inside; barren of life, but my own body does not or will not acknowledge that awful fact. It was only a day or so after I had regained consciousness from the drug Smith gave me in the hospital that I felt my breasts begin to lactate, only you will never be here to drink the milk that I am producing for you. I never told Smith about that, but I guess it really doesn't matter now anyway.

Every night it's the same old crowd, smoky rooms
You catch a faint glimpse of love sometimes but it never blooms

And I've been around this block a time or two
And I've made some big mistakes, but girl, I promise you, I promise you

You are gone forever, my beautiful little Sarah, my daughter, and I can never get you back. You and Jones—who would have loved you as if you were his own-both of you left me. Left me here with no one but Smith. I am alone, bereft and deserted and there is no one for me to love or to love me in return, to hold me when I am afraid, even to comfort me when I weep.

This is the last worthless evening that you'll have to spend
Just give me a chance to show you how to love again

This is the last worthless evening that you'll have to spend
'Cause it won't be long 'til your little heart is on the mend

With shock, she heard her hotel room door open and then close. Smith had returned.

Time, time, ticking, ticking, ticking away
Time, time, ticking, ticking, ticking
Time, time, ticking, ticking away
Time, time, ticking, ticking, ticking

She clutched the balcony railing in momentary apprehension, feeling the cool, comforting strength of steel beneath her fingers and felt the fear within her fade away. She had known ever since this morning what she had to do and now that the time had come, the courage to actually do it came easily and effortlessly. It is what Jones himself would want, she thought. He would rather have me die with my head held high and my back straight, than to grovel on the floor like a submissive pet that licks its master's hand for crumbs from his table—or, in my case, painkillers washed down with copious amounts of alcohol—using my addictions against me in order to get what he wants.

People inside their houses, with the shades pulled down
God knows we could use some romance in this sleepy, bedroom town

I know you're still afraid to rush into anything
But there's only so many summers, babe, and just so many springs

Bronwyn could hear his slow, steady step coming ever closer. When Smith opened her bedroom door, she heard him call her name. She looked over her shoulder and into his eyes. In her fragile state of mind, she thought she saw a fleeting glimpse of Jones-and how he used to look at her sometimes-reveal itself from behind Smith's eyes.

This is the last worthless evening that you'll have to spend, babe,
Just give me a chance, give me a chance, to show you love again

She said her final farewell to Jones with a smile at Smith, his murderer, a smile he was completely unprepared for, judging by his reaction. But she had to admit that it was because of Smith and the consequences of his actions, that she even knew what it was to love someone. She smiled at the paradox, the contradiction of terms that made her grateful for his assault on her nearly eight months before. If he had never raped me, then I would not have become pregnant and it was because I was pregnant that I met and fell in love with Jones.

She owed Smith a great debt and she knew she could never thank him enough. When he came out on the balcony, she looked into his face and knew immediately how she could repay him. When she sought his embrace and felt his arms go around her, she relaxed her mind and body and felt at peace. There was neither fear nor any of the other dark emotions she usually experienced while in his presence.

She asked Smith to kiss her and he obliged, gladly. She freely and willingly kissed the machine, the thing that had simultaneously caused all of her unhappiness and heartbreak as well as all the love and joy, all the while strengthening her resolve and summoning her courage. When she ended the kiss, Bronwyn turned away and tightened her grip on the railing and she hurled herself up and over, falling through space, falling headfirst to the ground that was rushing to meet her and where she could already see Jones holding her child in his arms as they waited for her to join them. Bronwyn smiled when she heard the last strains of the poignant song drifting on the wind….

This is the last worthless evening that you'll have to spend
Cause it won't be long until your little heart is on the mend

There was no more pain, no more loneliness or grief, only a feeling of being free from the nightmare she called Smith: she was finally going not only where she belonged and was beloved in turn, but where she had always been destined to be.

This is the last worthless evening that you'll have to spend
Give me a chance, darling, to show you how to love again.

This is the last worthless evening that you'll have to spend
'Cause it won't be long 'til your broken heart is on the mend.