"Confessions of a Drunken Shitennou (or Four)"
by Lilian
lilian413 at yahoo dot com
Summary: Because they are men and bound to notice.
Author's Note: I think the title speaks for itself. Just drunken fun and men being men.
Disclaimer: I don't own SM, unless I'm a highly successful magaka and I just haven't realized it yet.
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"So, Mamoru, what's it like?"
Mamoru blinks, alcohol making it hard to think. What is what like?
"Uh?" he manages to ask perfectly, the single word not even a little slurred. Okay, so maybe just the tiniest bit by the end, but can you blame him? Jadeite brought over some serious booze, and it makes his body tingle in all kinds of places. Including his brain, which is why the otherwise articulate prince is reduced to monosyllabic speech.
Jadeite snorts, caps another bottle of beer open and waves a hand, as if to say he is asking the most obvious question in the world. "You know. It."
Maybe it is the alcohol talking, but Mamoru is certain there should not be two – no, wait, make it three – copies of Jadeite in front of him. That makes four, five, sev— forget it, a lot of hands wave about and that makes his head hurt. He groans, closes his eyes and fights off the impending headache of doom.
His much-need peace is driven off by Nephrite's voice coming from somewhere behind the couch. At least he thinks it came from behind the couch, because as Mamoru opens his eyes slowly, trying to stop the world from spinning, he cannot see Nephrite anywhere in sight. "Yeah, Mamoru. Spill. We've been dying to know for months now!"
Brushing a hand across his tousled hair – pleased that he manages not stick his fingers in his eye in the process – Mamoru tries to make sense of what his drunken friends are trying to say. "What in the world are you talking about?"
His voice sounds slurry even to himself, and he wonders if the guys actually understood anything of what he said. It seems the beers came with translators from Drunken to Japanese, because Zoisite answers him without missing a beat: "You can't possibly not know what we're talking about. Even you can't be this dense!"
Mamoru thinks there might be an insult hidden in that sentence right there, but he's otherwise preoccupied with the sloshing beer in his hand to actually get mad about it. So instead, he takes another drink from the bottle and turns his very wavering eyes towards the last source of sanity in the room.
Kunzite. Faithful, loyal Kunzite. He will clear out any misunderstanding between the Shitennou and their prince. He will solve this dilemma that attempts to keep his royal self from the much precious booze. Because that is what Kunzite does: kill anything that stands between Mamoru and true happiness. And true happiness seems to lie at the bottom of his beer bottle at this particular moment in time. Ergo (Mamoru is especially proud that he is sober enough to use that big adserb—aptert—word) Kunzite will help him. That's what he does, after all... in between brooding and looking aloof, of course.
There is a simple flaw in Mamoru's plan, however. A single, mere detail he failed to consider.
Jadeite is a sneaky bastard.
That is not news to anyone alive, but in this case, this particular fact had played a major role in the flawing of Mamoru's plan. So, as the evening progressed and their state of mind reverted to cave-man mentality, Jadeite had somehow managed to get Kunzite drunk as well. So now the otherwise proud, stoic leader of the Shitennou was sprawled on his back by the couch, making himself quite at home in the space between the coffee table and a lump that Mamoru identified as Zoisite himself.
"Kunz", Mamoru says, wondering when had he munched on a napkin because that's how his mouth felt like, "explanation. Please", he adds as an afterthought, wondering if his drunk-mood was 'bossy'. Figures. Some people get funny, others got social. He? Prince of the Earth? Got bossy.
He stares as Kunzite blinks ever so slowly, almost as if drawing back in on himself. Weird. Mamoru had thought Kunzite only did that when he was well, evil. But then again, who is he to throw stones? Evil, not evil, evil again… can't the universe make up his mind? And why is he thinking such gloomy thoughts when there's beer to be had?
Oh, right. Because bossy isn't enough: when he gets drunk he also gets depressed! He is, after all, Mamoru Chiba, brooding King of All Woe. Or something. He can't quite remember what it was Zoisite called him a couple of hours ago, when they showed up at his apartment booze on one hand, porn on the other to help him get out of his funk. But it was a silly title like that and oh boy, he'd missed the first part of Kunzite's explanation.
"…their curiosity is only natural, my liege. They are only human, in the end."
Crap. He still didn't have a friggin' clue what they're talking about, and now all four of them were looking at him kind of funny, like he should be answering with all kinds of hurry.
Kunzite coughs politely, trying to draw Mamoru's attention back to him. Which works surprisingly fast, because Jadeite's eyes are this close to popping out of his skull, and frankly? Nephrite's stare is making Mamoru kind of nervous. "I, myself, will admit there is a certain—appeal to the situation. Goddess forbids Minako should find out, but I have wondered about it myself, my liege."
Mamoru hated the 'liege' thingy, but as he got bossy/depressed/take-your-pick when he's drunk, Kunzite gets respectful. Annoyingly respectful. So he'll throw in a few hundred 'my liege's and 'your Highness's every other word, and Mamoru will pretend it doesn't throw him off his feet. Except it does, but he can pretend for a little while.
A burp comes from his left and Mamoru turns to find Jadeite finishing off his seventh beer and bending forward to pick another one. Balance askew, Jadeite falls off the couch and into the carpeted floor, slamming into Zoisite and eliciting a stream of curses from him as a result. He doesn't know why, but Mamoru finds all this incredibly amusing, and before he knows it laughter bubbles up from within his chest and spills forth. Soon, he is joined by three other separate voices, as Zoisite is still grumbling about Jadeite's innate stupidness.
Mamoru is right in the middle of asking himself if that last word even existed, when laughter dies down and silence blankets the room. And now Mamoru is faced with not just Nephrite's, but all four Shitennou's unwavering stares and his time has run out.
"Start talking, Princeling" Nephrite singsongs, getting all glassy-eyed as if he's picturing a heavenly image in his perverted brain. Which, for the record, he is, "Tell us everything there is to know about the girls' transformations."
Mamoru chokes on the sip of beer he'd just taken and spends the better part of the next minute trying to clear out his airway. When he is certain he won't be dying of asphyxiation any time soon – and wondering what sort of bodyguards almost let their prince choke to death – he risks a look at the four vultures lying across his living room and blinks. And then blinks again.
"Oh, to hell with it", he mutters under his breath, taking one last healthy swig from his bottle before throwing it behind his shoulder. He doesn't wait to hear the sound of glass breaking before he's leaning forward to pick another one up, "Rei's gonna kill me anyway. Might as well share the info."
A part of his brain that hasn't been completely flooded with the immense amount of alcohol he'd ingested muses that maybe; just maybe, this is not a good idea. That part of his brain is quickly muffled by all the rest and before Zoisite can finish whatever girly drink he's drinking now, Mamoru begins.
Fifteen minutes later, four very shocked Shitennou are watching their prince with newly-found respect.
"And all this time, you never—" Jadeite moves a hand about; too drunk to even come up with the proper words to express what he is trying to say. But everyone gets it, because they're all thinking exactly the same thing.
Mamoru shakes his head. Truth to be told, at this exact moment in time he can't quite recall why is it that 'he never', but he's sure it has to do something with the fact that he's a gentleman. Oh, and he's also deathly afraid of Haruka.
A low whistle falls through Nephrite's lips, and Mamoru should really say something about the little cocktail umbrella tucked behind his ear, but it looks funny so he doesn't. "But, Mamoru—never? I mean, never? Never ever?"
Before he can answer with another sad sigh and a 'Never ever ever', Jadeite beats him to the punch: "Neph, this is Mamoru we're talking about here. He's practically a eunuch! It shouldn't be too hard to ignore five naked women around him!"
They all get glassy-eyed for a moment there, all picturing their respective girlfriends (and in Jadeite's case, healthy combinations of all five of them) as they transform. Nephrite even gets a little nosebleed that he wipes away with the corner of his sleeve. Mamoru knows he should be offended, and even manages to get out an outraged 'Hey!' but then a flying cocktail umbrella soars across the room and flicks him in the cheek and where the hell is Zoisite getting those anyway?
"Don't get all worked up, Mamoru" drawls Zoisite, and how did he manage to throw an umbrella at him when he's all but curled up under the table? "We know you're the Stud to Stud them All."
Snickers follow Zoisite's latest title, and Mamoru seriously considers demoting him. He can do that, right? He is Prince of Earth and stuff; he shouldn't be taking crap from his Shitennou. Yeah, that's what he's going to do. Demote them all to janitors or something, a job where they won't be able to make fun of him. I mean, it's perfectly normal for a twenty-year-old male to look away when his fellow warriors of justice transform, right? Right?
Jadeite tips the beer bottle against his forehead once, twice, three times. His brow furrows and oh my Goddess, is that an actual thought making its way across the ethylic haze?
"Well if you ask me, I think you hit gold, Mamoru. I was looking right at Makoto when she changed the other day, in that fight with the palm-tree youma?" He paused, hiccupped, ignored the fire beginning to burn in Nephrite's eyes and continued, " Man, she's got one set of bells on her! I don't know how you do it, Neph. I'd get happily lost in all that creamy, soft flesh."
He didn't notice the growl that came from Nephrite at that, perhaps in anger or perhaps it was just a burp, it was hard to tell. As it was, Jadeite continued, eyes rolled back and left arm dangling from the edge of the sofa, "And then a couple of weeks ago when we fought that ugly-assed kettle youma? When Kunz got knocked out by the flying pot handlers? Ami was the last to arrive, remember? I was standing a few feet from her when she transformed and I noticed those boots. The boots kill me, man. I'd always thought I was a stiletto-man myself – you have seen Rei, right? – But Ami looked hot with only those blue boots on. Have you seen the boots, Zoi?"
Zoisite spluttered on his expensive drink, letting everyone know that he had indeed seen the boots. And probably done a whole lot more than just see them, judging by the sudden coloring of his cheeks.
"Jadeite—" Mamoru tried, hoping to stop Jadeite's speech before all three other Shitennou went homicidal on him. But the youngest general hushed him with a gesture; oblivious to the seething friends he was leaving in his wake.
"And Kunz. You have got to tell me what Minako does with that chain of hers. She transforms and then it's just suddenly around her waist, and nothing else is on! You can't say it doesn't do it for you, man!"
By this point, Nephrite was positively frothing at the mouth. Either that, or the beer had turned all kinds of bubbly. And Zoisite was looking murderous with his little umbrellas—if he couldn't kill Jadeite with them, he could most certainly poke an eye out so Jadeite would never lay eyes on their women again.
But it wasn't Nephrite's impression of a rabid dog or Zoisite's impersonation of Hannibal Lecter that made Mamoru's skin grow cold. It was the cold, calculating look on Kunzite's eyes as he slowly set his drink down and stood up. Before they knew it, they were engaged in a full-out brawl, with Zoisite yelling encouragements in the sidelines as he tried to prick Jadeite's legs with his little umbrella thingies.
The next day, when Jadeite showed up with a black eye, none of the girls could get him to tell them how he had gotten it. He did go to great lengths to avoid them when they transformed, though.
And on a particular day Ami decided to wear knee-high boots to their weekly meeting at the Hikawa Jinja, he ran out the room screaming.
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The End.