We tell jokes, I do tricks

'We tell jokes, I do tricks with my fellow candlesticks.'

It was your average charming domestic scene.  At six in the morning in a small English town, the sprinklers were going, the sun was rising, and the houses were lined up neatly in rows.  Silence lay like a blanket over the tidy homes, broken only by a few rather annoying birds perched in a tree.  One bird observed with distaste a large brown owl flying about.  The owl flew in an open window, upsetting a coffee set upon the table, and causing a scream to ripple through the dew-drenched morning.

"Get that thing OUT of here!" screeched Petunia.

"It's only an owl," said Lily, hurrying to remove the letter tied to the owl's leg.  "He won't hurt you."

"I hate birds," whimpered Petunia, who was pressed up against the opposite wall.  Lily, who was reading the letter, didn't notice.

"What is it, dear?" asked her mother, bustling around with the newspaper.

"Hogwarts stuff," explained Lily, as Petunia grumbled incoherently.  "Supplies I'll need, information about the train, and – what's this?"  Lily pulled out an extra sheet of paper.  "Mom!" she exclaimed.  "I'm a prefect!"

"Really?" cried her mother joyfully.  "That's wonderful!"  After wrapping Lily in a bone-crushing hug, she asked, "Er – what does that mean, exactly?  I mean – it is good, isn't it?"

"It just means I have extra responsibilities – and extra privileges, of course," explained Lily.  "It'll look really good on my records."

"Big deal," said Petunia sarcastically.

"Well, I think it's wonderful," declared her mother.  "Oh – Harry!  Guess what!  Lily's been made a prefect!"

Lily's father beamed.  "Why, that's excellent.  We're so proud of you!"

Nobody noticed Petunia leave the kitchen and go outside.

~

"So, anyway," Lily was saying, "I'm not entirely sure what I'll be doing as prefect.  I do wonder who the other one from Gryffindor is."

"No idea," said Asper, who was gazing out the window at the hills flying by.

"Me neither," added Esedora as she skimmed Witch Weekly.

"Well, I know it won't be Potter, so other that that, I really don't care," said Lily.  "What's that?" 

They could hear voices coming from the corridor.  "Every year," a voice was saying.  "Every single year we get gypped out of a compartment."  Suddenly the door was flung open, and the speaker was revealed to be Sirius.  He groaned at the sight of the girls, and hollered back to his friends, "This one's taken too."

"And this is the end of the train!" called Remus.

"You can sit here if you want," said Asper with a quick look at Esedora.

"Sure you don't mind?" said Sirius.

"Yeah, it's fine," said Asper, before either Lily or Esedora could open their mouths.  Sirius' friends trooped in behind him.

"Hey!" cried Lily, looking at Remus' robes.  "You're the other prefect!"

"No, you are," grinned Remus.  "When are we supposed to go up to the prefect's compartment?"

"In a little while, I think," said Lily.   "Ten minutes or so."

"Just do it!" they heard Sirius whisper loudly.

"Shut up!" hissed James.

"Do what?" asked Lily.

"Nothing," said James, glaring at Sirius.

"Oh, go on, just ask – " Sirius wheedled.  "You know you want to."

"Ask what?"

"Um –" James was fiddling with his robes.  "I was just, y'know, wondering, if, um, maybe sometime, if you wanted to, er, well, you see – "
"Spit it out, Potter," said Lily crossly.

"Gouwimmesomtime."

"Was that a sneeze or a question, Potter?"

James took a deep breath.  "I was wondering if you'd be willing to go out with me sometime."

Lily stared at him as if he had gone completely mad.  Then, in a quiet, deathly polite tone, she asked, "Are you absolutely bloody insane?"

By this point, James had gone bright red.  "Er…um…no…"

"For your information, James I-don't-care-what-your-middle-name-is Potter, I would not go out with you in a million years and then some.  It isn't funny to pretend you like someone when you're only going to make fun of them."

"But – but I'm not pretending," said James in a strangled sort of voice; he seemed to be cowering under the death glare Lily was giving him.

"Oh, I'm so sure," said Lily sarcastically.  "You know perfectly well I hate you."

"But – um – "

"I can see it now.  It is, of course, every day that one of the most popular boys at Hogwarts asks me out.  I'm not falling for it, Potter.  You can just go humiliate someone else."  She turned to Remus, who winced.  "Come on, we should probably go to the prefects compartment now."

After they had left, Sirius turned to a rather stricken James.  "Well, that went well," he announced cheerfully.  James sank into a chair, unable to answer.

~

The first few weeks of school were rather uneventful.  All their teachers seemed to think that piling on massive amounts of homework was the best way to prepare them for the O.W.L.S. at the end of the year.  Most students, of course, had vastly different opinions on the subject.  Gryffindor won its first Quidditch match of the year, against Hufflepuff, largely due to the 120 points that James scored, and he made sure everyone knew it.  By this time, he, Sirius, Remus, and Peter had developed a name for themselves – The Mauraders.  The Mauraders were without question the most popular boys in school.  James was well-liked by the female population because of his Quidditch skills and charming smile, whereas girls liked Sirius for his looks and rebellious attitude.  Remus attracted girls who were looking for the quiet, sensitive type, and no one was really sure why Peter hung around with them.  So basically, the Mauraders were adored by most and reviled by some.  Most teachers barely tolerated them, but Dumbledore seemed rather fond of them, so they tended to get away with a lot.  Other teachers, like Conterous, caught them at wrong-doing whenever possible.

"James Potter!  What are you doing?" she shrieked.  James stood up quickly.

"Nothing, Professor," he said innocently.

"We'll just see about that," she snapped, and bent to inspect the suit of armor he had been kneeling by.

"No – Professor – don't touch that – it's – "  It was too late.  As soon as Conterous prodded the foot of the armor, it had ejected a black, smelly liquid.  She leapt to her feet, sputtering indignantly.

"Young man!  What is this?"

"Stinksap," whispered James miserably, looking down at his feet.

"And I suppose you think it's funny that I'm covered in the stuff?"

"No, Professor," he said, although the students who had paused to watch the show were guffawing.

"50 points from Gryffindor!" she yelled, then stomped off, presumably to try and rid her face of the black substance. 

"Bad luck, mate," said Sirius.  "Ah well, not the end of the world.  Stinksap's not that big a deal."

"Yeah, but slightly modified Stinksap is."

"What?"
"When she tries to wash it off, her face will turn blue."

Sirius stared at James.  "Well.  That could complicate things a bit."

"You think?"

"I look forward to seeing her at dinner, though."  With that happy thought, the pair headed off, only to stop five minutes later in front of a gang of Slytherins.

"Well, well, well," sneered Lucius.  "Look who it is.  Potty and Blackie, out for a stroll."

"Move," growled Sirius.

"I'm afraid we don't feel like it, do we?"  The next instant, Sirius and James had whipped out their wands and muttered every hex they could think of.  The effect was rather interesting; one Slytherin seemed to have grown an extra pair of ears, while another was covered in furry purple moss.  Esedora, who had been coming out of a classroom, turned abruptly and hurried to the Gryffindor common room.

"I cannot believe him!" she cried to her friends.  "He's such a jerk!  He and Potter just hexed them because they were in their way!  They hadn't even done anything yet!"

"I'm sorry, Esedora," said Lily sympathetically.  "Well – not about Potter."

"So, you're over him then?" asked Asper.  The two girls stared at her.  "What?" she said defensively.

"Yes, Asper, most definitely over," said Esedora. 

"You want to go eat now?" asked Lily.

"No, I'm not really that hungry.  You guys go ahead."

"All right," said Lily, casting a worried glance behind her.

~

"We've done it," hissed James, pulling Remus into a corner.

"Done what?" he asked, bewildered.

"Become Animagi."

Remus' jaw dropped.  "You didn't."

"We did."

"But – but how?  You have to register and everything, and it's really hard, and – are you crazy?"

"We're unregistered."

"What?  That's – that's so illegal!  Is Peter one too?"

"Yeah.  Sirius and I helped him."

"How could you possibly learn how?"

"Sirius and I have been studying and working at it for ages," whispered James.  "Three years."

"But – why?"

"Isn't it obvious?" asked James.  "The thing is, Sirius and I thought it'd be cool for a long time, before we knew about you.  But now that we know you're a werewolf, we've been working extra hard on it, and helped Peter into it too.  Now we can still keep you company, even at the full moon."

"I can't let you come with me."

"Aw, come on, Moony.  Sirius and I are big enough to keep you in check."

"You are?  I mean, what are you?  Wait – Moony?"

"Code name," explained James.  "We had to be careful talking about it, in case we were ever overheard.  So you're Moony, Peter's Wormtail, Sirius is Padfoot, and I'm Prongs.  Got a name for Snape, too – Snivellus."

"What animals are you?"

"Peter's a rat, so he can control the Whomping Willow."

"How did you know –"

"We just do.  Sirius looks kind of like a Grim, and I'm a stag."

"I can't believe this.  Why would you guys do that?"

James shrugged.  "We're your friends."  Through the darkness, James could see Remus smile hesitantly.

~

"Honestly!" screeched Lily.  "Why don't you guys just grow up!"  She had tried to take a drink from her goblet, but the Mauraders had used some spell to hold her juice in the goblet, so she couldn't drink it.  They were practically falling over themselves in hysterics.  Esedora gave them dirty looks as they left the table.

"It was incredibly juvenile," said Asper as they walked along the hallway.  "I thought they'd outgrow it by fifteen." 

Later that day, when they opened the portrait, they stared in disbelief at the common room.  It was covered in a foot of water.

"What happened?" asked a first year, crowding up nervously behind Lily.

"Nothing," sang out another voice, "it's just a spell, not real water.  Go on, step in it."

"Sirius Black, you are in so much trouble!" exclaimed Lily.  Sirius took out his wand and waved it casually at the shimmering common room.  The 'water' disappeared.

"For what?" he asked, grinning devilishly.  Lily threw up her hands in an exasperated manner and stomped to a chair by the fire.  Seeing Remus, she stood up again.

"Remus, I really wish you would keep your friends more in line.  You're a prefect, and if you're involved in these pranks – which are not funny," she added, seeing Sirius trying his best to listen in, "you could get in serious trouble."

"I know," said Remus uncomfortably, "but there's not much I can do."  Lily rolled her eyes and went to bed.

The next morning, Lily came down in an apologetic mood.

"Look, Remus," she said, "I'm sorry I yelled at you last night.  I was just angry at the tricks and stuff – "

"It's all right," said Remus, flashing her a quick smile.  "You were right, anyway."

"What are all these people standing about in groups for?" Lily asked, suddenly noticing bunches of twittering girls huddling together, casting glances at awkward boys.

"Christmas Ball," said Remus waving his hand in the direction of a poster.  "Just announced this morning."

"Christmas Ball?" asked Lily.  "Since when do they have a Christmas Ball?"

"Since now, I guess.  I think they're trying for more school unity.  'Course, it's only for fourth years and up, so I guess the younger ones don't get to be unified."

The incessant giggling throughout the rest of the day began to get on Lily's nerves.  Everywhere she turned she was confronted by people wondering who was going to ask them, what music would be played, and what on Earth were they going to wear?  Lily, who planned to go with her friends, was sick of the coupling-up fever.  Esedora and Asper agreed with her – until, of course, they were asked by two Ravenclaw boys.  Lily wasn't sure where this left her.  However, a week after the initial announcement, she was asked by the person she least expected.

"Er, Lily?"

"It's Evans to you, Potter."

"Y'know, the Ball is coming up, and, well, I was wondering if, um, maybe you'd want to go with me."

"Did I not make it clear enough before?" demanded Lily.  "NO, Potter.  Find some empty-head fluff to take."

That night, James conferred with his friends.  Peter, having little experience in these matters, mostly listened in rapt attention.

"What you've got to do," Sirius was saying, "is make her jealous."

"How do you know so much about it?" asked Remus.

"Remus, where have you been these last few years?" smirked Sirius. 

James looked thoughtful.  "So, I take one of her friends?"

"You could do that," said Sirius slowly, "but I don't think that approach would work so well in this case.  For Lily, I think it'd work better if you took one of her enemies."

"Like?"

"Well, what about that one snooty girl?  Wavy brown hair?"

James wrinkled his nose.  "She's a little, um, Slytherin-like."

"Yeah, she is, but she's also gorgeous. As in, stop-dead-in-your-tracks.  And Lily hates her.  She'd be perfect."

"I guess you've heard who I'm going with," said Morena as she breezed into the dormitory.

"Frankly, I couldn't care less," said Asper.

"Only the most popular boy at Hogwarts."

Lily didn't even look up from shuffling the Exploding Snap cards.  "Who, Lockhart?"

Morena laughed airily.  "Of course not.  I'm going with Jamsie."

"Who the heck is Jamsie?" asked Lily.

Morena laughed again, a little more airily and a little more annoyingly.  "Just like you not to know that.  James Potter.  Maybe you've heard of him?"
BANG.  The cards had exploded, singing Lily's eyebrows, and going well with her shocked expression.  Morena raised an eyebrow.  "No wonder you don't have a date yet."

~

Professor Conterous was moving around the room, inspecting the contents of various cauldrons.  As the bell rang, she quickly assigned a two foot essay due the next day.  Lily had spilled the contents of her bag, and as she bent to pick them up, she heard a voice above her.

"Lily?"  It was Snape, nervously pushing his hair behind his ears. 

"What do you want?"

"Are you going with anybody to the Ball?"

"N – er, why?"

"'Cause if you're not, you could always go with me or something."

"Um, I'm sorry, but I already have a date.  Maybe I'll see you there," said Lily, and dashed out of the room as casually as possible.  The problem, of course, was that she did not actually have a date.  Being a prefect, she was expected to show up at the Ball, and then Snape would know she had lied to him.  It wasn't like she particularly cared about him catching her in a lie; after all, while he wasn't as evil as Malfoy, he was still a Slytherin.  It would simply be awkward showing up alone.  So when she got to the common room, she headed over to a table.

"Oh, hi, Lily," said Remus.

"Hi.  Listen, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but – " Lily was looking rather desperate – "d'ya have a date yet?"

Remus shook his head.

"'Cause I kinda told Snape that I did, only I don't, and I'd really really really appreciate it if you'd go with me.  As friends, of course."  Lily said all this in a rush.

"Um...I don't know if I can…"

"Don't worry, it's not at the full moon," Lily reassured him.  "I already checked."

"Oh, good.  I mean – wait – what?"

"Honestly, Remus, you thought you could hide it forever?"

"No," said Remus, looking miserable.  "I just hoped nobody would find out."

"Why?"

Remus stared at her as if she had gone mad.  "Isn't it obvious? No one wants to be friends with a werewolf," he said bitterly. 

"Well, I do.  And the other Marauders clearly do.  We're not friends with a werewolf, Remus.  We're friends with you."

Remus blushed.

"So, anyway, the Ball?"

"Oh, yeah, sure.  I'll go with you.  I'd look pretty stupid too without a date."

"Thank you so much!  You saved me from a date with Snape!"

"Eww," said Remus in a disgusted sort of tone.  "Glad to be of service."  There was, of course, the question of exactly how he was going to explain this all to James.

~

The Great Hall's ceiling was dotted with what seemed like millions of stars.  Students were milling about, drinking punch and talking to their friends.  A song started up, and most people moved onto the floor.

"Lily?" said Remus.  "I have something to confess."

"What?"

"I can't dance."

Lily started laughing.  "I thought it was something serious!  I wasn't planning on doing much dancing, anyway.  We can just eat and talk."

Remus looked vastly relieved.  "What about?"

"Well," said Lily, chewing on a cookie, "there is something I've been wondering about."

"Which is?"

"Peter," stated Lily.

Remus nodded.  "You want to know why he's our friend."

"Well, that sounds mean, but yeah, something like that."

"It kind of started because his mother and mine were best friends through Hogwarts.  Then when James turned Peter's robes pink – "

"Oh yeah," said Lily, giggling.  "I remember that."

Remus smiled too.  "I think James felt a little guilty about that, and we all stuck together on the train.  We're the only ones in our dormitory, anyway, so it'd be really mean to leave him out.  Besides, we like him.  He's funny."

A change of beat caused the pair to look up.  A slow song had started.

"Well, Remus, if you're not going to dance with her, I will," declared James, walking up with Morena on his arm.

"Jamsie," she pouted, "you're supposed to be my date."

"I reckon I can dance with who I want to, though," replied James.  "Come on, Lily."

Lily sat on the bench and glared at him. 

"Oh, go on, Lily," said Remus.  "It's Christmas."

"I'm gonna regret this," muttered Lily, standing up.  James grinned and bowed, leading by the hand out onto the dance floor.

"M'lady."

"I'm not anyone's 'lady,' said Lily.

"Of course not.  My mistake."

Lily looked at him suspiciously as he put his hands on her waist.  They started swaying to the beat.

"Lily?"

"What now, Potter?"

James stared straight into her eyes.  "I don't really know how to say this –"

Lily looked down and broke away.  She muttered a quick good-bye to Remus and hurried up to her dormitory, leaving a very confused James standing alone on the dance floor.

~

Lily rubbed her eyes, and realizing what day it was, groaned.

"Shut up, Lily," Asper called sleepily.

"We have to get up, guys.  O.W.L.S."

Esedora buried her head in a pillow.

Finally, their second to last exam rolled around – Defense Against the Dark Arts.  Lily was seated in a corner, but she could see James yawning and messing up his hair, and she could see Asper, who was seated behind Sirius.  She finished her exam and looked around the room.  Remus was still working hard on his exam, whereas James was doodling on the back of his sheet.

"Quills down, please!"  Professor Flitwick collected their exams.  "You're free to go!"

Lily went to join her friends and headed outside to relax by the lake.  Asper was taking an extremely long time.  They finally got out to the lake, though, and took their shoes and socks off to dangle their feet in it.  Lily heard laughing behind her, and when she turned, she saw Snape on the ground, James and Sirius standing over him with their wands out.

"I cannot believe this," said Lily, jumping up, and running over to the group.  "Leave him ALONE!" she shouted.

"All right, Evans?" asked James in what he clearly thought was a smooth, suave sort of tone.

"Leave him alone, Potter," repeated Lily, glaring at him.  "What's he done to you?"

"We-ell," said James slowly, "it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…"  The onlookers laughed, which angered Lily even more.

"You think you're funny," she snapped, "but you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter.  Leave him alone."

James quickly saw a way to turn the situation to his advantage.  "I will if you go out with me, Evans.  Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

Lily gritted her teeth.  "For the last time, Potter, I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid."  Lily stomped back towards the castle.

Over her shoulder, she could hear Sirius say, "Bad luck, Prongs."  A sudden burst of laughter made her spin around again.  Snape was upside down.  Noticing a bit of blood on James' face, Lily resisted a smile, and said, "Let him down!"

James let him collapse into a heap on the ground, and as he stood up, Sirius said, "Locomotor Mortis!"

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" screamed Lily, yanking her own wand out.  She couldn't stand it when people picked on other people for the fun of it.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said James warily.

"Then take the curse off him!"

James heaved a great sigh and removed the curse.  "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus -"

Humiliated, Snape snapped, "I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

Lily paused.  "Fine," she said icily.  "I won't bother in the future.  And I'd wash my pants if I were you, Snivellus."  Did I really just say that? she thought. 

"Apologize to Evans!" James bellowed, his wand on Snape.

"I don't want you to make him apologize," Lily shouted.  "You're as bad as he is!"

"What?" cried James.  "I'd NEVER call you a – you-know-what!"

Lily was spitting mad.  "Messing up your hair 'cause you think it looks cool to look like you've just gotten off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors hexing anyone who annoys you because you can – I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with your fat head on it.  You make me SICK."  Lily spun around and went towards the castle, not looking back.

Disclaimer:  That last scene is almost exactly from OotP.  And as usual, all I own are Asper and Morena.

Author's Note:  Wow, am I updating fast or what!?!  I had a long weekend, so I had a lot of time to work on it.  The next chapter probably won't come as soon.  Y'know, for the 3 or 4 people who actually care.  ;)