Title: Things Needed to be Said (Part 1)
Author: Hieiko
Disclaimers: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel the Series, or any of the characters in these shows. I only write about them.
Rating: PG-13
Distribution: If you want this, go ahead. Just email me and tell me where it's at. Thanks.
Feedback: Would love that, pet.
Notes: This is just something that I came up with while pondering Buffy's words in the Season 7 episode, "First Date". In particular, I'm referring to when she told Willow, "Why does everybody in this house think I'm still in love with Spike?" However, I'm not taking this opportunity to tease Buffy on her Freudian slip. Rather, I'm taking a pessimistic point-of-view on what she said, in order to point out a few things to the denial-ridden Slayer and her friends. This is more of an angst piece, but not really heavy, I think. I'm merely venting out a few frustrations here, I guess.
Summary: "Why does everybody in this house think I'm still in love with Spike?" says Buffy. Someone other than Willow hears her question, and decides to say a few things about it.

"You have to move on," Willow told her friend, continuing to fold laundry as she did so.

Buffy almost sighed in frustration. "Why does everybody in this house think I'm still in love with Spike?"

"Well, I don't, Goldilocks," a familiar British voice said.

"Spike!" Buffy and Willow both squeaked, turning to face the blond vampire who stood in the kitchen doorway.

"Look, Spike, about what I said..." Buffy began to say.

Spike cut in. "Slip of the tongue, eh, pet? But then, the words 'still in love' don't exactly apply, now do they? There wasn't any love on your part last year, or so you kept telling me. Over and over again. Even when you couldn't keep your hands off me. And now you're actually saying the words 'love' and 'Spike' in the same sentence? Is it because of the soul?"

Buffy glared at him. "Spike..." she said warningly.

"Oh, come on, I'm just telling it like it was. You didn't love me when I didn't have a soul."

"I never said I loved you now," Buffy retorted.

Willow was looking from Slayer to vampire, wary of the way the conversation was going.

Suddenly, an obviously excited Xander came bursting in through the door. "I have a date!" he blurted out with a smile. Then he noticed the thickening tension in the room. "Okay, what's going on?"

"Lucky you, Harris. You're just in time for the question, is Buffy still in love with me or not?"

Xander laughed and snorted. "Only in your dreams, bleach boy."

"Every sodding day, mate." Spike smirked. "But bloody good dreams, they were. In reality, of course, Buffy would never say so. You didn't love me because I was an evil, soulless thing; I believe those were your exact words. Also, that there was nothing good or clean in me. Do you remember that, Buffy? Granted, you did say those things almost every chance you got, but there was one particular incident that stood out. Remember when you thought you killed that girl? Katrina was her name, wasn't it?"

Buffy blanched.

Willow noticed the change in Buffy's demeanor. "Spike, why are you telling us this?"

"Yeah, Spike. What's with the ranting? Heck, why are we even listening to you?" Xander said.

Spike hooked his thumbs through his belt loops, and flashed a smug grin. "I just thought you'd like to be filled in regarding some things. Especially the events of last year. And you're listening to me because Buffy kept you out of the loop last year, and here I am, spilling it all."

"Spike..." Buffy pleaded.

"What's the matter, Slayer? Afraid of telling your friends? And here I thought we were past all that. I mean, bloody hell, you told them I tried to force myself on you. You even admitted sleeping with me. But you never told them about the other things, did you? You still want them to think you're their pure, precious Buffy who was so troubled and suffering that she had to resort to sleeping with a vampire to make herself feel better." Spike looked directly at Buffy as he said this.

"You knew she was hurting, and you took advantage of that," Xander told Spike accusingly.

"Oh, did I forget to mention that Buffy kissed me first? And second? And hell, even the third time! Then she jumped me, literally. How could I resist? I'm still only male, you know," Spike replied. Then he focused on Buffy again. "You used me, Buffy. For sex. For your very own punching bag. It wasn't fun... well, alright, sometimes it was. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt like hell." He paused. "But that was what you were trying to do, wasn't it? You wanted to hurt me, even all the while you kept telling me I didn't have feelings to hurt. Did you enjoy it? Jumping me to scratch your itch, and then, the moment it was over, you'd give me a nice punch or kick before running away, virtue fluttering? Not much for cuddling, eh?"

Willow and Xander gaped at him.

Buffy's eyes shone with unshed tears. But she also looked angry.

"Why are you suddenly bringing up all these things?" Her eyes narrowed. "I can't believe you! You're jealous because I have a date. This is about that, isn't it?"

Spike chuckled. "Well yeah, of course I'm jealous. Or maybe I just want you to rethink the idea. I pity the poor sod that would next get beaten to a bloody pulp for trying to stop you from turning yourself in to the police for a crime you weren't even sure you committed. I'd have died if I weren't already dead at the time. Lucky I was a vampire, huh? But even with vampire healing abilities, I was still sporting a couple of bruises well until the week after that. Remember the nice black eye I had on your birthday?"

Willow gasped as she remembered. Xander's eyes widened, but he couldn't make a sound.

Spike continued. "Though honestly, love, I didn't so much mind the beating. It was stupid, but you needed to get all that anger out, and I did tell you to put it all on me. But you know what really hurt?" He put a hand over his heart. "You just walked away and left me there lying on the ground. You never even looked back. You never even bothered to tell me that you'd figured out what happened. Didn't I deserve at least that much, after getting pummeled for your sake, yet again?"

Buffy's eyes were still glistening. But she didn't cry. "Are you trying to get me to stake you?"

Spike raised an eyebrow. "Not really. Didn't work the last time, anyway. I just thought there were a few things that needed to be said. Now seemed as good a time as any."

"Why do you keep digging up past wrongs? You need to move on, Spike," Buffy managed to say.

"Move on? I think I remember the last time you told me that, love, I ended up getting drunk and sleeping with Anya."

Xander glowered at the vampire. "Don't bring Anya into this."

"Why the bloody hell not? Why do you people keep holding that incident against us, anyway? We were both hurting, and also incredibly drunk." Spike eyed Xander. "Did you know, Anya was scared that maybe you never really wanted her in the first place."

Xander was stunned into silence.

Spike went on. "But, it's not like what happened was any of your business, was it? Harris, you left Anyanka at the altar. Buffy, you told me it was over, and that I had to move on. Didn't realize you meant I had to pine after you for a certain period of time, and then move on. What was that all about, anyway? You didn't want me, but you didn't want anyone else to want me either?"

"I told you," Buffy said between gritted teeth, "I had feelings for you. But I couldn't trust you." She paused. "But I'm starting to think maybe I still can't trust you."

"You couldn't trust me enough for your feelings to be love. I believe you've told me that before... when was that? Oh yeah, that night in your bathroom. I'm not saying I'm not sorry for what I did. I'll always regret that and wish I could take it back. But you know I didn't have that in mind when I came to see you. I came to apologize for the thing with Anya, and you shot me down as usual. And then I just lost it. You stopped me. Or rather, you kicked me off and brought me back to my senses, and then I stopped. If I had really wanted to do that to you, you'd have had to knock me out to actually stop me. But that wasn't the case, was it? Besides, all those times you said "no" when you really meant "yes"? Kinda confuses a bloke." Spike said everything calmly.

"Don't make excuses for it, Spike," Buffy said flatly.

"I'm not, Buffy. And I'm sorry, I really am. But you don't think about that much anymore, don't you? Because of the soul. Funny how you're willing to overlook all the bad things I've done now that I have a soul. And yet you forget all the good things I've done when I didn't have a soul, except when it was convenient for you. What a setup that was. Your friends picked up on it, too. When you were dead, I was good for patrolling and watching over the Nibblet; when you got back, I was kicked to the curb once again."

Willow and Xander actually looked ashamed at this.

"And now, you have me fighting by your side again. But you're expecting me to pine after you but not make a move because I'm completely unworthy after what I've almost done to you. And you would be right. I'm burdened by the guilt. Thing is, you aren't. Maybe you don't have time for it, who knows. It just seems to me like you want me to carry all the guilt of what happened between us, as though I was the only one who hurt you. But you hurt me, too. You tossed me around like a bleedin' toy. But you didn't care; you only felt guilty for sleeping with a soulless vampire, not for doing those things to me. Now that I have a soul, you can openly show that you care about me, but still not love me. It's a lot more than I expected from you, so of course, here I am ready to do whatever you ask. Your willing slave." To their surprise, Spike suddenly gave a bark of laughter. "I have to say, Summers, what an expert way to string a guy along. And at the same time still be free to go out on dates."

This time, Buffy couldn't stop herself. She launched her fist at his face.

It went right through him. Buffy stared at her fist and then at the First Evil, currently in the form of Spike.

"You bastard," Buffy hissed.

The First/Spike leered at her. "What's the matter, love? I thought you were attracted to 'wicked energy'? I'm as wicked as they come. Although, it seems my supposed possession of a soul isn't enough to curb your violent tendencies. Bad little girl, you are."

"You won't get away with this," Buffy said coldly.

The First morphed into Buffy's form. "And yet you already fell for it. Hook, line, sinker. It was fun watching your face." The First/Buffy laughed. "You know, there's more where that came from. Spike is my toy now. You had your time messing with his mind and emotions last year. Now it's my turn." She smiled once more before vanishing.

"Buffy..." Willow began.

"I can't do this," Buffy muttered, and fled out the door.

Xander looked at his witch best friend. "We were suckers, weren't we?"

"None of us even realized that wasn't really Spike," Willow said.

"Do you think what he, or, it said was true?" Xander asked.

"Did you see how Buffy reacted?" Willow answered the question with another question.

"Yeah," Xander replied. "I can't believe it's true."