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Merry Christmas

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Reflection of the Moon

Truth • Diamond Truth

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Touya paced around restlessly in the living room. It was long past midnight, but somehow, the beams form the full moon that night seemed to be driving him out of bed.

A week had passed since the magic transfer, and since then, he had seen neither hide nor hair of Yukito. He no longer came to school, and when Touya asked the teachers, they just said he called in sick. Of course, Touya tried phoning and visiting him personally, but neither worked. The lights were always off in the house. It was as if Yukito had disappeared off the faced of the earth. This definitely wasn't what Touya wanted; he didn't give Yukito his powers so that he could vanish all the same.

Finally frustrated, he bolted out of the house, since it seemed that he wasn't going to get any sleep that night. The streets were quiet, with a sense of serenity, with the full moon casting a silvery glow on everything. The world seemed a much more different place after he had given away his magic. It was so much more . . . peaceful. It unnerved him somewhat in the first few days, not being able to know where all the people are just by closing his eyes, but this was the way it was supposed to be.

Unconsciously, his feet had brought him along the all so familiar path and to Yukito's house. Ti seemed like an eternity since he last saw Yukito. Knocking softly ion the door, there was no response as expected, but the door was unlocked. Could someone have broken in? With that thought, he barged into the house.

"Yuki! Yuki, where are you?" No response. He ran through the house, but found nothing, except neatly stacked luggage bags and suitcases by the door. Fear stirred in him as he rushed out of the house, carrying out his search in the garden.

Suddenly, he felt something light drifting onto his head. He reached up and brushed down . . . a feather? But like ice on fire, it dissolved in his touch, into tiny sparkles of light. Lifting his head, he noticed that the roof seemed to be glowing.

He smirked, then got out a ladder from the backyard. As he expected, Yue's profile appeared as he climbed up rung by rung. But before he could say anything, Yue, without stirring or casting a glance at him, said, "Visiting so late, Touya?"

"I thought I could scare you. You're no fun," he replied casually, settling on the roof beside Yue.

The latter turned and looked at him steadily in the eyes, thoughts unfathomable, then finally turned away and said, "I should return Yukito to you now. You have a lot of things to tell him, and vice versa." He rose and stretched out his wings behind him, preparing to shroud it over himself for the transformation, when Touya grabbed his hand.

"Then what about you? Don't you have anything to say?"

"No," he answered coldly, or at least tried to do so, "now let go of my hand."

"What if I don't?" the mischievous glint in his eyes was all too familiar to Yue. Without thinking, he replied, "You're being childish here, Touya. Grow up and let go." Then both of them blinked at that. It sounded exactly like what Yukito would say.

Touya burst out laughing, previous tension and unfamiliarity melting away with it. "See, I told you the two of you are alike!" Yue jerked his hand form Touya's grasp with as much dignity as he could muster, then sat down again, leering at Touya and trying to be angry, which somehow, he totally failed at.

At last, exasperated, he retorted, trying to stop the other's laughter, "You look just like Keroberos this way."

"That stuffed toy? Yeah right. I'm way more handsome looking than him."

A chuckle escaped Yue's lips, then another, and he broke into a soft peal of laughter. It had been so long since he had laughed that he almost forgot what it felt like. But how he could go from depression by just thinking about Touya, to laughing just by listening to Touya was totally beyond him. He doubt he'd ever had such a huge mood swing before. Even Clow couldn't do that to him. The smile faded as he thought about his previous master, the one who created an unrecoverable dent in his heart.

"What is it?" Touya asked gently, noticing the slight diminishing of light in those silvery amethyst irises.

"It's just that I haven't laughed for so long a time that it seems foreign to me now. The last time I laughed was when Clow was still alive, and did a trick that . . . forget it."

"Did you love him? Do you still do?"

Yue tensed, and pain flashed across his eyes. He considered lying; he considered avoiding the question, but he couldn't stop himself form pouring out what he had felt all these years. There never had been someone he could tell these to.

"I don't know. I always think that I loved him before, but now . . .everything in the past seems unreal, as if I'm no longer looking at my own memories, but somebody else's. I loved him, yes, and I thought that maybe I was special to him too." He said calmly with the barest hint of bitterness, and tilted his head up to face the moon, letting the soft light caress his cheeks, casting shadows on his face that made him look like a piece of artwork, beautiful but untouchable, laden with loneliness. Touya found himself entranced anew by this fragility so similar to Yukito's.

"But I was all wrong. To him, I was but a pawn, easily given away in order to make him fulfill his own wishes. He never considered how badly I would be hurt by his death, and went along telling us to choose a new master, keeping his reincarnation in secret. So many memories of our years together, the most precious things to me, and he threw them away, sacrificed them without blinking, so that he himself could escapethe heavy binds of his won magic." All these he spoke, without a single emotion in his voice, all suppressed deep in his heart. It hurt Touya to hear him speak like this.

"And all these years I trapped myself in sorrow for nothing. When I saw him again after all these years, I finally understood, looking into his eyes, that there is no one in them. He sees nobody, only the ultimate goal he wants to reach. For that, he will make use of everyone and everything around him. I am but a pawn in his eyes. Perhaps his final goal will bring happiness to everyone, but how many has he hurt in order to get there?"

"Then do you hate him?"

Yue looked at him, then with a bitter smile, shook his head. "He has hurt me, but I don't, and can't hate him. I want to forget about him, but that would be like forgetting part of myself. I can't control my feelings. I don't know if I love him anymore."

Touya put his arm around Yue's shoulders, and the latter tensed at first, then relaxed into his touch, allowing himself to be gently guided until his head rested on Touya' shoulder. It was the first time he relied on someone; the first time he allowed himself to show his weakness; the first time he felt safe, as if the thought of Clow would hurt him no more.

"You don't have to control your feelings. Perhaps the reason you still can't put the past behind you is that the more you suppress something, the more you think about it. " Touya whispered, feeling the silky smoothness of Yue's hair tickling his chin, "Let your emotions run free, and you will know how you really feel. If you truly love him, then the emotions will never run dry, surging up like the never-ending waves into the sea, but if it is only something you can't get over about, then it will vanish, as your feelings flow. Cry when you are sad; laugh when you are happy. Be true to yourself, and you'll find there's not as many problems as you think there are."

"But I can't. I can't cry; I can't laugh. This is the way I'm supposed to be. This is my duty."

"Nonsense. There's no such thing as an emotionless person in the world. Feelings are meant to be known to the people closest to you, because only then will you truly be alive. Someone living alone, with nobody knowing his existence will die without leaving a trace on the earth. Feelings are meant to affirm you presence, and if you don't let them flow, they won't be real anymore. It doesn't make you weak, by expressing them. It makes you human; it makes you whole."

Yue sank even more into Touya's arms, burying his face in the fabric of his shirt. "Why are you so good to me? I'm not Yukito."

"You may not look the same, but deep down, you are." Touya replied, tightening his arms around Yue. "You two seem so different, so opposite, at first glance, but actually, he is part of you, as you are part of him. Only with the both of you together does it form the whole person. I love Yukito, the whole of him, and because of that, I love you too. You can also say that because I love you, I love Yukito. It is a confusing concept," he said, chuckling to himself, "but to me, the two of you are the same, sort of intertwined together, that the separation line becomes too blurry to tell. And I love the whole of you, everything."

"But . . . but . . ." Yue lifted his head and looked at Touya, "Yukito is so much better than me. Besides, love can never be shared. You can't love two people at the same time." He even sounded perplexed in his own ears, but beneath the confusion, he didn't know why, but felt glad.

Touya sighed. "You still don't understand, do you? You are not two people, but one, that is split into two. The two of you together forms the one person that I love. It is impossible for me to love one of you, and dislike the other. But don't I sound too overconfident here? I speak as if I have already gotten both of you already." He grinned with an evil glint in his eyes, and Yue stared.

"Well," he exclaimed in a melodramatic voice, "Yuki's been ignoring me, for no reason that I can see, and you here won't even let out your emotions, let alone put Clow behind you. So right now, I still have nothing."

Guilt suddenly seized Yue's heart, as he realized that how much it was hurting Touya, by him not even strong enough to forget Clow. "I'm sorry . . . but . . ." he cast his eyes down, feeling a tightness in his heart that was trying to break free.

"You don't have to apologize." Touya said, pulling him close, "I don't blame you for not being able to get over Clow, it's by my own choice that I fell in love with you. If you want to blame, blame me, but I'll wait, even if you never will forget. I'll wait for you."

Yue squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the strong arms of Touya encircling him, and he knew that he was safe. Safe to do what he wanted, safe to show his weaknesses, safe to cry, and no one would laugh, or ask him why. But even so, Touya would understand.

A tear slipped down from Yue's closed eyes and sank into Touya's shirt. Then another, and another . . . quiet sobs racked through his body, and his arms went around Touya's waist, finding support. He allowed himself to depend on him, to trust him, to pour out what he felt towards himself, even if no words were spoken at all.

And he would accept, just as naturally as the fabric absorbed the tears.

No one knew how long had passed, when Yue had stopped crying, and was just holding, and being held by Touya.

"Feel better?" Touya asked as he sifted his hand through the long silvery locks of Yue's hair. It was like silk, and wasn't at all as heavy as it seemed.

"Hmm . . ." Yue mumbled, then practically forced himself to leave Touya's embrace. "Thank you, To-ya."

Touya's eyes widened slightly, then softened into a warm expression. "You're welcome. But will Yuki know about this?"

Yue shook his head. "But he will someday. As you said, we are the same."

"Good," he nodded satisfactorily, "then I don't have to explain all over again. You tired?"

Wordlessly, Yue embraced Touya, and with a wide flap of his wings, they hovered above the house, then flew into Yukito's bedroom through the wide open windows. "You are staying here tonight," Yue commanded, turning a little back to his normal self, "it's too late to go back."

"If you want company, just say it," Touya smirked, and Yue shot him a glare.

"No, it's for Yukito. Sort things out between the two of you after he wakes up." With that, a blinding light consumes his form, and when the light dissipates, Yukito emerged, and Touya quickly caught the unconscious form in his arms.

Carefully, he carried Yukito to bed, then tucked him in. After a moment of hesitation, he climbed into the bed too, and planted a kiss on Yukito's forehead, and the latter leaned into the touch, snuggling close to Touya.

"Goodnight, Yuki. Sweet dreams, Yue."

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