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Reflection of the Moon

Truth · Diamond Truth

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The warmth, the scent . . . so familiar . . . Where was I?

Prying open my eyes, I let them get adjusted to the brightness, then found myself staring into a pair of sapphire irises. It felt as if I was gazing into the ocean's depth, so mysterious but gentle; cold but caring. I was drowning . . .

Then I realized whom those eyes belonged to. "To . . . To-ya! What are you doing here?" Exclaiming, I disengaged myself from his arms and jumped down the bed. Or at least tried to. But I felt a pull on my waist, and before I knew it, To-ya was on top of me, using his body to pin me against the bed. And his face was only inches away from mine . . .

"Good morning, Yuki," he grinned triumphantly at me and leaned down, brushing his lips against mine for a fleeting kiss.

Despite how red I knew my face was, I still tried controlling myself, to not just give up and summit to his embrace, or else what I had done would all go to waste. But . . . only now did I realize how much I missed him, his smell, his taste, his warmth . . . and it had only been a week. I had not the slightest idea how to live without him after I moved out, but I must . . .

"To-YA! What are you doing? ! Let me go now!" I tried pushing him off, struggling, writhing, but to no avail. Instead, I felt warmer and warmer, the friction between our bodies leaving me weak and breathless. The physical defeat crumbed some of my resolve, and my heart was now screaming for him, tirelessly, endlessly, as if it had been doing that forever. I risked a glance into his eyes, then quickly averted my gaze. No, I could not bear to look at him, to see him caring for me so, yet all I had done was to hurt him.

"Yuki, why have you been avoiding me? What's whit those luggage by the door?" he asked, seeing that I had stopped struggling, and laid his head on the left side of my chest.

"To-ya . . . I . . ." choking on my words, I clenched my fists into the bed sheets, preventing them from reacting to To-ya's gentleness and close proximity. " I have to leave here, I must, away from Tomoeda, anywhere, as far away as possible." My voice was frantic, my thoughts were jumbled, deeming me impossible to form a straight sentence.

"Why?"

"I can't bear to face you anymore! When I took you home form the hospital that day, standing in front of Sakura, I understood. I am guilty, I am a sinner, and I am only surviving on other people's loss. Yet when I talked to Sakura, I had to put on a smile, to lie, and pretend that everything was fine when I am to sole cause to all those problems. I don't want to keep living a life which I have to lie to survive, to be able to face the ones I love. I can't let my smiles become a mask for my inner gilt, or else I can't face you with what you deserve form me -- the whole of my heart, and not a deceit. Therefore I have to leave, for you, for me, and for everyone, so that people won't be hurt again."

I closed my eyes, swallowing that lump in my throat, and waited for To-ya to leave. He surely would. Why wouldn't he? He always understood me, so this time should be no exception. He rose, the weight of his body no longer on top of mine, and a chilly current struck me, and into my heart. I shivered, more from a sense of loss than coldness.

I expected to hear his departing footsteps, but instead . . . To-ya pinched my cheeks, jolting my eyes open with surprise.

"I never realized that you're such a cute little fool, Yuki." He teased with a smirk playing on his lips.

"To-ya! I mean what I said!"

"I know that you mean it. It's just that you got the first basic idea wrong, and yet you can continue on with the theory, not once realizing where your mistake is. I understand that you did that because you care," he continued with an exasperated sigh, "but your stubbornness will kill you one day. It almost did this time."

"B . . . but To-ya . . ." He shushed me and pulled me to a sitting position, then wound his arms around me from behind. I was too confused to put up my defences anymore, and melted into his embrace. Somehow, just be being near him, all those huge and looming worries and inner combats dissolved into nothing.

"Yuki, you are not guilty, because you have never taken anything form me. I often asked myself why am I given these magical powers, hwy that a guy who craved for an obscure life just has to be different. But now, I know that these powers are never mine, that I was just safe-keeping them for you, until one day when we would meet, and I could return them to their rightful owner. Therefore you are not guilty of anything."

"Don't try to comfort me, To-ya. I know the magic is important to you; anything will be when you've had it for so long."

"Maybe, but there's one thing I know for sure. There's nothing more important than you in my life. I've told you that many times. At least believe me for once. If you still insist that you're guilty, then redeem your mistake by making me happy; by forgiving yourself; by keeping yourself safe so that you'll stay with me forever."

"But I'm not human! You don't know the real side of me, the other half. What if you can't accept that?"

He sighed, then looked straight into my eyes, into me. "Yue, you explain this."

A sleek silken drape fell around me, blocking out the reality and enveloped me in darkness. I was sitting on water, staring into the all-so-familiar scene. To-ya wasn't there with me.

"Yukito, have you forgotten what you have once said?" Yue said with his velvety voice and appeared in front of me, his body formed by a strong upward surge of water below. There was a ghost of a smile on his lips, and the cold barrier I had always seen in his eyes had melted. Despite the sorrow that still remained in them, there was a gentle shine.

"Didn't you once said that when boiled down to the basics, we are the same? Then why are you worried that To-ya won't accept this?" He walked over and sat down beside me, a rare show of kindness.

"Because . . . because . . . I'm not sure . . . I don't 'know, but his just feels . . . wrong."

He smiled understandingly, "I know who you feel. To-ya and I talked for a long time last night, and he has already seen through me, through us, to know that we are the same. I couldn't accept the concept, but after a night of thinking, I noticed there really are similarities between us, and perhaps, we can work together to form a whole person, someone who deserved To-ya's love. Then he would have no problem adapting to the both sides of us. I want to put the two pieces together, so that I wont' be missing half of myself anymore. I don't' want to be locked inside; I don't want to be alone anymore. But most of all, I want to be able to love again, and be loved in return."

"To be able to love . . .and be loved in return . . ." I repeated quietly.

"Yes. Both of us have been too scared to pursue that, so we tired escaping. Me, by locking myself behind a cold and emotionless wall; you, by being so easily defeated by the rumors, not once thinking about rebelling against them. We all thought that by doing this, no one would get hurt. Perhaps that would be true if really, there is nobody caring for us in the world, but that would never be true. So because of our own cowardice and weakness, we've hurt To-ya. I don't want this to happen again, to lose the one I love once more. Therefore, I want to try with everything I can to become a whole being worthy of his love. "

My eyes sparked at that. "Can we do that? To merge you and me?"

"I suppose so. Since Clow could split his personality into two, there should be a way to put them together again. But are you willing to do so? After that, there will be no more Yue or Yukito. It will be a totally new person."

"As long as it would bring To-ya less trouble, then I'm willing. As long as he would be happy, I'll do anything."

He smiled briefly, then turned extremely serous. "I want you to repeat every sentence I say, and try to relax your emotions; don't restrain them, or else it would be hard to perform the spell when we cannot connect."

I nodded, and we stood up, with him an arm's length away from me.

"Two souls created from one, will now be retuned to whom they were . . ."

Strong energies started radiating from him, stirring up the water and brought the wind surging around us, engulfing us in a hurricane. We were glowing, and a huge and complicated symbol appeared below us.

"Two souls created from one, will now be retuned to whom they were . . ."

"Yue, moon guardian created by Clow, and his other form, Tsukishiro Yukito, will now be merged . . ."

A warm sensation pulsated through me, melting away any fear and hesitation I had, gathering all of me to a center place in my heart, forming, condensing into a dense ball. As soon as that happened, the ball broke free from my body, leaving behind an empty shell.

"Yue, moon guardian created by Clow, and his other form, Tsukishiro Yukito, will now be merged . . ."

"Of their past, present and future, of body, of mind, of heart, of soul . . ."

Images rushed into my mind, of totally foreign scenes in a far way time, of creation, warmth, indifference, joy, love, pain, and finally, loss. The features of a man were engraved so deeply in Yue's memories which I was now seeing. A gentlemanly visage framed by shoulder-length auburn hair, tied loosely over his right should, and a pair of round glasses sat on the bridge of his straight nose, making him ore western-looking than eastern. He always wore a gently expression, but his eyes constantly shone with a mysterious gleam, as if seeing not the world in front of him, but a world h want ed to create. He never really beheld me in his eyes. Clow . . .

Feelings of love, loss and betrayal surged through me, as if they had been mine all along. The memories were become more and more vivid by the second, and I could almost feel Clow's light contacts with my skin. I knew that the most Clow had loved me was in the ways of a father, a master and a friend, never the type I longed for.

But To-ya had engulfed me with unprecedented love that for the first time in all these hundreds of years, I was able to smile and laugh the way I can now. I had found my happiness with him, in both forms as Yue and Yukito, and I would never allow that precious happiness to slip away again. I love To-ya. I love him so.

"Of their past, present and future, of body, of mind, of heart, of soul . . ."

"to ultimately become one again." I uttered the words with one single voice, unable to tell who's it was anymore.

With a sudden burst of light, extending throughout the world of the endless horizon of dreams, I felt myself, my soul, melting away and mixing together, then pouring once more into the container of my body.

The light faded away, leaving me in a warm darkness.

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