Chapter Five My Shaldan

It's really a shame that we didn't get to do any Go-Back-style war preparations before we left, Kali mused as she helped prepare the victory feast that would be served in the Golden Hall of Meduseld.

And what, precisely, would those be? Théoden asked. Or do I perhaps not want to know?

Kali chuckled in that way she had that made those around her nervous for no apparent reason. Oh, I won't have to explain. You'll see for yourself.

When all the dishes and soldiers had been assembled, a toast was drunk to the victors. In Rohaner tradition, it was customary to honour the victorious dead at this ceremony, but as the few Rohirrim and Elves killed at Helm's Deep had been subsequently revived by Kali, there were no victorious dead to honour.

Some time later, when most if not all had sampled the various foods available, Kali levitated onto a table and the large room fell silent. I have my own suggestion for a post-battle victory celebration, she told those assembled, and I think it is something you will all enjoy.

I don't expect that the vast majority of you will have heard of a tribe of Elves known as the Go-Backs, she continued. They are a clan of warriors, and on the night before a great battle, it is traditional for them to Well, let's just say that many children are born several months after such nights of dancing. Comprehension �ickered across some men's—and women's—faces.

Yes, tonight is the night to have fun! Kali announced. She spread her arms, and the sound of drums and music, heart-speeding and intoxicating, �lled the air. Do whatever your heartor any other parttells you! Laughing, she leapt down off the table, straight into Aragorn's arms. He was so shocked at the sudden advance that he did not even resist as she began kissing him and tearing his clothing off. By then, of course, it was too late to try to resist.

Well, what did you think? Kali asked gently, tucking a lock of Frodo's hair behind his ear.

It was The little Hobbit shook his head, smiling slightly. I really don't know what to say.The �rst time is always Kali told him, rolling over onto her stomach. But usually in a good way. She glanced over to one side, and Frodo's eyes followed hers. Oh, hey, Sam, she said brightly. Waiting your turn?

Sam started to say something, then choked on his words and �ushed. Kali giggled. Silly Hobbit.

Kali rose to her feet, not even holding a fur around her (how sleek and graceful her body was!), and strode over to Sam. Kneeling in front of him, she gently took his face in her hands and kissed him. You can ask Frodo about it as soon as I'm �nished with you, she said in a sultry voice after she broke away.

Ask me about what Frodo wondered quietly.

Several minutes later, Firefall watched Kali wandering slowly around the hall, appearing to search for something. Do you need something, Kali? she inquired.

N? Er, wellI don't know if it's really anything you can help me with She turned away. Hey, Gandalf! Do you—You already got me once came the Wizard's reply, and Kali crestfell. She continued her search, and Firefall continued to watch her with one eyebrow raised.

Ah, KaliI mean no offence in asking, butare you trying to lay with as many men present as you possibly can?

Kali whirled around, a too-innocent expression on her face and a large blue sweatdrop on her forehead. Ah! Eheheh! Heh She lowered her head, tapping her index �ngers together nervously. Actually, the truth isI want to be the new Hoe-Queen of Middle-Earth. Firefall repeated. Boromir, his head laid on her chest, stirred at the outburst.

Yeah. Right now, the holder of the title is I'm pretty sure you know her. A Balrog named Milaknek.

Firefall's eyes widened. She—that, that—bitch—has some kind of public recognition for something!Yeah. I suppose it's not the greatest honour, but Wh—what are you—!Here! Take Boromir. Make good use of him! I don't mind. Just beat Milaknek! Firefall hissed, hauling her lover to his feet and prodding him in Kali's direction. He was utterly bewildered, but that seemed to be alleviated somewhat when Kali squealed in delight, grabbed him around the middle, and slung him over her shoulder. Hanging above a beautiful ass, whether it has a lionlike tail or not, can do that to some people.

Several hours later, Gandalf was awakened by golden needles of sunlight piercing his eyelids. He moaned and stirred, clutching a fur around himself until his blindly-groping �ngers found his robes. Languidly dressing himself, the Wizard picked his way through the various Rohirrim and others scattered on the �oor to peer out one of the windows, shading his eyes against the rising sun. It's only dawn? I feel as refreshed as if I slept for days!'

Aragorn crept quietly over to stand next to Gandalf, tying the laces of his shirt. You mentioned that you left Merry and Pippin in the care of someone named Treebeard, yes?That's correct.I think that we should go and �nd them today. What say you?

Gandalf sighed. Let us do that. I have more worrisome matters on my mind, though.Such as?

The Wizard turned to the Ranger at his side and gave him a look full of concern. Each day, Frodo and Sam must be pressing closer and closer to Mordor, yet I do not even know if they still live.

Aragorn blinked and shook his head. Gandalf, they're here in the Golden Hall.Not so loud! Aragorn hissed, unfortunately too late for some of the nearby sleepers. He winced and gave an apologetic gesture. I was surprised as well. As far as I have been able to �gure, they came with Firefall and Boromir fromwherever they were

A grunt and yawn behind the two men announced the approach of a third individual. Firefall and Boromir were in Rivendell before they came here, Neko-sama's voice explained. Gandalf and Aragorn turned around, and were astonished to see a beautiful young man, olive of complexion and black of hair, instead of the cat they had expected.

The man looked down at himself. Aw, crap. I reverted in my sleep He shook himself, running the �ngers of one hand through his shining waist-length hair, and pulled his loose shirt closer around him. Yeah, umFrodo and Sam found their way to where Firefall lives, and after she resurrected Boromir, the four of them went to Rivendell. Just to talk to Elrond, I guess.Are you Aragorn asked, incredulous.

The young man rubbed his eyes, apparently still groggy. Yeah, sort of, I guess. I don't care right now. He yawned again and scratched the back of his neck. How come you guys are up so early, anyway? How do you do it? Eh, maybe it's some weird human thing or something He turned away and stumbled over to where Kali lay, dropping onto the �oor next to her and proceeding to stare blankly into space. After a few moments, he leaned forward and smoothly shifted into the more-familiar form of Neko-sama.

That was Aragorn murmured. Turning back towards the window, he shook himself brie�y. Yes. Today we will go �nd Merry and Pippin. Do you think we should wake Legolas and Gimli now, or wait for them to rouse on their own?

Gandalf sighed, turning to look at his companion with approximately one-sixteenth of a smile on his face. If we allow Legolas to sleep as long as he will, it will be well past noon when we leave. Did you not see how much time Kali spent with him last night? He is surely quite worn out.But if that is the case, it would not do to wake him now, Aragorn pointed out. He would be falling asleep on horseback, and that is never a good thing to do.I think it would be quite useful if Kali were to come with us Gandalf remarked. It is clear she has very powerful abilities, and may be more able to �nd Merry and Pippin by herself than the rest of us together.

Aragorn sighed and hoisted himself up to sit in the window. She may not, he said with a quiet chuckle. When we—Legolas, Gimli, and I—�rst met her, she told us that it was our destiny to be heroes and her destiny to simply tag along'.

Gandalf raised an eyebrow. She possesses the gift of precognition?Perhaps. It's possible we have not yet seen even a fraction of her full power.

The wizard shook his head in awe, smoothing back his hair. Truly, we are blessed to have her as an ally, for on the side of the Enemy, she would be too terrible a foe to contemplate.

From across the room, Aragorn heard Neko-sama whispering. Kali? Kali, are you awake? she grumbled, and rolled over. What the hell do you want?The fact that you were using a Ribbon Device in the battlesurprised me, he said carefully. How is such a thing possible? Kali shot back a reply in another language, one which neither Gandalf nor Aragorn recognised. The two creatures continued to converse, Kali growing more agitated and Neko-sama becoming more concerned, until Kali tossed her furs aside, grumpily pulled on her clothes, and stomped over to the window.

she mumbled, leaning on the sill and staring blankly into the brightening sky. Aragorn and Gandalf exchanged a look, and Gandalf shook his head slightly, indicating that to ask what just happened would be unwise.

Aragorn cleared his throat. he began, Gandalf and I intend today to go and actually �nd Merry and Pippin, since we were somewhat sidetracked byevents. We would be more than pleased if you chose to accompany us. she responded. As long as you don't freak out about my abilities and where I got them. The way her brows drew down suggested that that had been what Neko-sama had been grilling her about. We can go as soon as we've eaten. Do you want me to wake up Legolas and Gimli?No, that's all right, I'll go do it, Gandalf offered, hitching up his robes to pick his way through the scattered sleepers.

Aragorn glanced out at the red disc rising in the east and sighed. The dawn is always more beautiful when the day before you didn't know if you'd survive to see it, he said quietly.

Kali murmured. Aragorn suddenly found himself �ngering the jewelled pendant Arwen had given him, and guilt �lled his heart.

the cat-woman whispered. It's all right, Aragorn-sama. Don't feel bad about last night. What happened here never has to leave the Golden Hall.You know, then, that my heart already belongs to another

Kali nodded. Strangely enough, so does mine. And it's not Legolas, as pleasant as that would be. She smiled and leaned her chin on one hand. Recognition is a �ckle force, don't you think?Ah, that's right. You were raised among Elves, but even they don't really have it anymore. She straightened and placed her palms together. It's like this. Every mortal—and that includes Elves and the other Fair Folk—is actually born with half a soul, not a whole soul. She moved her hands apart. The half of the soul you get is shared by one other person—one you are destined to meet, one who is your perfect balance and completes you, like you �nd a part of yourself that you didn't know was missing. Your soulmate. She laced her �ngers together, then dropped her hands to her sides. Besides the spiritual ful�llment inherent in Recognition—though some resist the call at �rst, due to pride or other reasons—it's an excellent genetic optimisation system, which basically means that the talents possessed by you and your soulmate will combine in your children to produce exceptionally gifted individuals. He opened his mouth to say something, but she headed him off. Children, you're wondering? Yes. Recognition invariably results in at least one offspring, even between two people who might otherwise seem incompatible. She smiled knowingly at the awestruck Ranger.

Have my love, Arwen, and I— he began.

Not yet, she said slyly, hopping up onto the sill and perching there in a deceptively-cute manner. You'll know when you do. The phenomenon is most often accompanied by—ah, how shall I put this—

He raised an eyebrow. Seeing as how you mentioned Recognition always results in children, I think I can guess what you're trying to say. she said, smiling brilliantly. That's good. You're quick to catch on, Aragorn. Thanks for making me not have to say it.

He was silent for a moment, watching Gandalf move quietly around the Golden Hall to collect their companions in as unobtrusive a manner as possible. May Iask you something, Kali?

Her face became unreadable. Yes. Ask.Do you not think it's dangerous for a woman who is with child to enter battle?

She stared at him, eyes wide. Clearly, she had not been expecting such a question. she began, and cleared her throat. I think that since I've always been able to take care of myself, there's no reason to give up my normal lifestyle just yet. Self-consciously smoothing her tunic, she asked quietly, How long have you—?Only since you explained Recognition just now, he replied. But does it not concern you?

Kali glanced about the hall, idly rubbing at a ring on one of her �ngers. know my limits, she explained. Besides, there are those who watch over me. I have no need to fear for the safety of either myself or my children.

Gandalf walked quietly back to the window, trailed by Frodo and Sam, Gimli, and Boromir and Firefall. I tried to get Legolas up, he explained, but he seems intent on his conversation with Lady Éowyn.I'll Send to him, then Kali said, and half a moment later, she gasped. Oh—! Oh, my. We shouldn't— Shaking her head, she swung her legs over the windowsill and hopped down onto the dewy ground. Let's just go.I think we'll use the— Boromir began, but Firefall shushed him.

Opening the doors might wake people up, she whispered, gracefully climbing through the window and dropping to the ground below. Kali glanced at Aragorn and made a smug noise as the remaining members of the group exited through the unorthodox portal.

Look, Athuamë's further along than I am, and it doesn't even slow her down, she said. I'll just teleport to the stables and get some steeds ready— Kali disappeared silently, and a distant scream suddenly pierced the air. She reappeared before anyone could form a question, her face pale and one eye twitching.

no horses, she whispered, the twitching intensifying for an instant. today. Let's go. Aragorn protested, striding to the front of the group, we don't even know where Merry and Pippin are! It will be dif�cult enough to track them on horseback. Surely you don't expect us to—

She spun around, putting her back to him, and he noticed that every hair on her tail was standing on end. If you want your horse, you can go get it yourself, she mumbled, and stalked away. Besides which, Merry and Pippin are at Orthanc. She rose into the air and glanced over her shoulder. Well? We haven't got all day!The rest of us can't �y, Lady Kali, Gimli reminded her.

Speak for yourself! Firefall said with a smile, linked her arm in her lover's, and �oated up to join Kali. Boromir, still unused to �ying, whimpered quietly and clutched at Firefall's sleeve.

I can �y if I so choose, but I prefer to ride Shadowfax, Gandalf announced, setting off in the direction of the stables. Kali twitched and upended herself in the air, crossing her arms stubbornly.

Well, �ne! Just don't come complaining to me! she huffed. Then she blinked, as if just noticing something. Blood to head? That could be badI'd better �x Yes, that ought to She closed her eyes and moved her lips occasionally, as if silently chanting a spell. Her eyes suddenly opened again, but the voice that emerged from her mouth was not quite her own—deeper and distorted.

No—! What have you done? Kali righted herself and landed on the ground.

Firefall gave the Amazonian cat-woman a considering look. Kali, are you feeling well?

She blinked, then nodded. Yes, yes. I'm �ne. Sorry about thatGuta was a bit freaked out that I woke her up, but I explained to her that it's okay.Guta? Do you have another person inside you? Gimli asked, bemused and mildly concerned.

Actually, yes. Three, to be exact. Two of them are my children, and the other is my symbiote, Guta-kani-peltak. She's a former System Lord and now likes to call herself a Twins? How lucky for you! Firefall said brightly. Kali grinned.

Aragorn protested.

Guta is of the Goa'uld race, Kali explained simply. Firefall's jaw dropped, but the others in the group merely stared blankly at their companion.

Girasol? Do you understand any of—? Boromir murmured.

The Goa'uld are a race not native to this world, she said quietly. They are strange, alien creatures, somewhat resembling snakes or worms. They can do very little on their own, so they often take humanoid bodies as hosts. She shook her head, puzzled. But I'd never heard of one who didn't keep the host identity completely suppressed.Ah, then you've probably only ever encountered System Lords or their minions, Kali put forth. Not all members of the species are so evil and neurotic. The Tok'ra, for example— She cut off, peering past the group, and sighed. Oh, look. Here comes Gandalf at top speed. Holy crap, that guy can run. The others spun around, and saw that Gandalf could, indeed, move at a surprisingly high velocity. It was dif�cult to make out his facial expression at distance, but it was clear that he was red in the face, as if embarrassed or highly angry.

I tried to warn you, Kali said with a shrug as the bedraggled Wizard staggered to a stop near them.

Wh— Eh— Shad— he panted.

Kali threw her arms in the air. I told you not to complain to me! You chose not to listen!What did you see, Gandalf? What's the problem? Aragorn cried, reaching for his sword.

He saw the same thing Kali did, Kali said in that odd voice (was it Guta speaking through her? yes, that was probably it). She entered the stables to �nd two of the horses in the act of mating.

Kali abruptly shook herself and yelled in her normal voice, Guta! Shut up! They didn't need to hear—Why so repulsed, my friend? It is a perfectly normal part of life. Just because you did not expect to see it does not mean—But Sephiroth and Shadowfax! Kali screeched. I don't think Sephiroth is even really a horse!Then perhaps she will give birth to some form of centaur, Guta observed. Kali smacked herself in the cheek. Ow! Was that really necessary?

Kali grumbled something probably impolite and jerked her head in the direction of Isengard. Let's go.Come, let's gather in a circle, Gandalf suggested, herding people together, and I can transport us there with magic.Yes! Teleportation is good! Kali agreed, assisting in the ushering. Boromir groaned.

No, please, not again. I still haven't got over the last— And suddenly they were there, with hardly a perceptible shift. Psionic Greater Teleport is your friend, Kali said, patting him on the shoulder.

Gandalf turned around slowly, surveying what he saw in silence. Orthanc was not as he had expected to �nd it. The landscape denuded, certainly, as that had been in progress at the time of his last visit. But water �lled the great paved square around the base of the tower, cracks ran all through the dark stone, the smithing pits were �lled with debris from the former siege machines, and there was not a living Orc in sight.

What has happened here? Aragorn wondered.

The Ents, Kali explained. Treebeard, their leader, happened by Isengard and was angered by the fact that Saruman was harvesting all the trees. So he led his people in a march on the tower and destroyed Saruman's works.Do you happen to know if he's still here? Gandalf asked, craning his neck and peering up at the top of the great spike.

Saruman? Yes, he should be, she said. Hold on, I'll go get him. She shot into the air and soared around Orthanc once, then entered through a window. A yell was heard from high above, and Kali soon reappeared, clutching the black steel staff to which a very haggard-looking Saruman was still clinging.

Let go my staff, woman! he roared, kicking his legs vainly. I shall have your head for this impudence!Put a sock in it, Smartass, she snapped. Don't make me get my Jaffa.She has Jaffa? Firefall whispered.

Saruman continued to grunt, yell, and kick, until Kali released her grip and caused him to fall to the wet ground in an unceremonious heap. Struggling to his feet, he gripped his staff and muttered a chant as the orb atop it began to glow faintly. Kali dropped to the ground and circle-kicked him in the face, interrupting the spell.

Saruman! You disgrace the name of the Istari! Gandalf bellowed, snatching the staff from the prone and bleeding Wizard's grasp. he intoned, and snapped the stick in two over one knee. Saruman let out an angry cry.

Gandalf, you nadras kored—! he hissed. Do you think Sauron will not strike out at the attackers of his ally? You have just doomed yourself and all your useless Human friends!Sauron has no allies, Gandalf said coolly, dropping the halves of the staff. He has only enemies and rivals. You, Saruman, were in greater danger of destruction than the entire race of Men for your folly. Saruman made as if to get up, but Kali planted a foot on his shoulder and pressed him back to the ground. His robes were soaked and �lthy, no longer as psychedelically colourful as they had been when he had �rst betrayed Gandalf, and the spell that kept his hair and beard impeccably groomed was beginning to wear off.

Cursed wench! he snarled, glaring up at Kali. You've interfered with me for the last time! She leaned forward, putting more weight onto his shoulder, and Aragorn thought he heard a dull snap. Saruman emitted a wretched moan.

I suppose you'd like to try and stop me, hmm? she asked softly, in the same deceptively-calm voice Sam had heard her use when she saved him and Frodo from the Orcs in Mordor. If I'm not mistaken, you need your staff to be able to cast anything above a light spell without insane expenditure of effort, and you'd have dif�culty doing even that with me standing here to smack you if you start chanting. Saruman opened his mouth to protest, but she continued, Wormy Willy won't come to help you. I know you sent him off after he tried to use your Palantír as a sling bullet, and he's probably dead on the side of a road somewhere by now. And your Orcs? Looks like the Ents did a great job turning them into pancakes. Your Uruk-Hai failed, as well. Your mighty army of 10002—yes, I counted them—were dashed upon the Deeping Wall like a gull dropping a stone on a turtle. Rohan lingers! I myself slew over nine thousand of those ugly, stinking Orcish bastards. There is no one who will come to your aid! Saruman hissed. That—that's not possible! Even for the greatest of warriors, and you're just a—a—

Kali dropped to one knee and grabbed him by the throat, a dangerous smile quirking at her lips. You weren't about to say just a woman', were you? He grunted, shaking his head and trying desperately to breathe. You know I could kill you with one hand, don't you? Saruman nodded, beginning to turn blue. she huffed, tossing him to the ground.

Well, since you seem to have him under control, Aragorn commented, hitching up his tunic so that the hem would not get soaked, I'll just have a look around for our little Hobbit friends. —You're sure it's safe?Trust me, Aragorn-sama, if there's a live Orc left around here, it'd probably �ee if you said Boo!' to it. He shrugged and set off, followed by Gimli. Kali tossed her hair behind her shoulder and glanced at Frodo. Oh, no. No way. Sorry, Smartass, but your thought bubble is far too easy to read. the Wizard demanded, crawling back. I—I don't know what you're—You know that Frodo carries the Ring, don't you? she asked, with a sly grin. Frodo gasped, and Sam jumped in front of him.

Why'd you tell him that! the older Hobbit demanded. Kali let out a scof�ng laugh.

Oh, come on, Sam! What the hell do you think he can possibly do to you? Watch. She stepped back, away from Saruman, and held out her hand. Of a sudden, Frodo felt the chain around his neck lighten, and Kali was holding the Ring of Power. She calmly slipped it onto her �nger, and to the surprise of those present, did not disappear.

Oh, look. It matches my other one, she said cheerily, holding out her hands before her. An identical ring adorned her left hand, much to Gandalf's shock and dismay.

Kali! What are you doing? he cried out, striding toward her.

Taunting Smartass. What's it look like? She glanced at her hands. Oh, right. Don't worry—what do you think Sauron could do to me? She reached toward Saruman, who appeared to have been beginning to consider leaping at her, and he rose into the air, caught in a web of nothing. You do realise, don't you, that if you're powerful enough, the Ring of Power doesn't automatically make you invisible? The fact that you can still see me should say something to that effect. She looked down at the golden band adorning her �nger, peering closely as if trying to make something out. Oh, is that all it does? she murmured. How very unimpressive. It seems that the One Ring makes you stronger and faster, enhances your force of personality, and makes your spells or whatever more powerful and harder to resist. Second-level spell effects! Laaaame. Kali pulled the Ring off and handed it behind her, without even a glance, to Boromir. Here you go. I heard you were looking for an engagement ring. Boromir choked, Frodo cried out, and Gandalf started back as if struck. Kali sighed. Oh, �ne! We'll have it reforged �rst!

Aragorn and Gimli came wading back through the water, trailed by two munching Hobbits. Frodo and Sam managed to smile and rushed over to greet them, asking where they had found food. Gandalf shook his head.

Kali, I respect your power, he said in a slightly disapproving tone, but sometimes it seems to me that you are completely mad.Not completely, she corrected. Only a little. I'm very silly, though, and that's a quality rarely found in Middle-Earth.True enough, Firefall remarked softly.

Kali turned and waved to the rest of the group as Saruman fell into the water with a cry and a mighty splash. Hey, guys! Come on! We're going to Mount Doom!