Burning
By Heavenly Awkward
Disclaimer: I don't own Raven, any of her friend/enemies/people who are somewhere in between/people she doesn't know, but are there, or Jump city or anything in it but what I make up... Did I cover everything? O.o;;;
NOTE: Fairly graphic self-abuse starts here, and MAY TRIGGER! Please, guys, I don't want everything you worked so hard for to go down the drain, so if you're not sure if you can take that, just go read something happy, okay? (Like cute little fluffy bunnies, pastel rainbows and little fishies swimming around in their little fishbowls! )
Chapter 5: In which Raven feels guilty and pays for her previous actions.
Raven came slowly to consciousness, and was awake before she realized it. She was in her room, lying comfortably under her soft grey sheets. She was exhausted, but her "internal clock" told her that it was NOT morning. Funny, though, that she didn't remember coming to bed... And despite the late hour, she was achingly tired, and her head still pounded with the beat of the music from the night before...
...Oh. Right. Last night. Oh no. I feel sick... Nonononono...
Raven was up and on her feet before she knew what she was doing. She ran into her batheroom and knelt before the toilet and pressed her fingers back in her throat and held them there and it hurt but a few moments later she vomited and it came up. She stopped a moment, then did it again, and again, until she only spit up water and blood and knew it was gone. Tired and drained, she stood shakily and flushed it away.
Then she stripped quickly, turned on the shower, and stepped in. She turned the temperature knob to the left, and the water became warm, soft clouds of steam beginning to rise. Raven stepped under the stream of water; She wanted to wash the smells of alchohol, sweat and vomit from her hair and body. She paused. Her hand snapped out and twisted the knob to the right, and the water turned freezing, so that she gasped as it hit her, streaming down her body from her hair, down her face and back and arms and chest and legs like ice. Her instincts told her to jump out as fast as possible, but her mind drove in, keeping her there, and her mind was stronger.
Don't move! She told herself viciously. Stay here. How could you have done that?? You could have blown the whole club to the ground, you idiot! God, you have no self-control, do you? Do you WANT to kill somebody?? You have too much power to let go like that! One slip, one moment of real anger, and you could destroy the city! Do you want that? DO YOU WANT THAT??
Her mind ranted on, telling her about all the potential she was supposed to have had, all the wonderful things she COULD have done, but didn't, and why? Because she was lazy, weak, because she couldn't keep from drowning in the emotions she'd be better without... But that was no more...
Raven hugged herself, feeling the goosebumps all over her skin.
She would change all that, she had thought she was working hard, but that was nothing compared to what she would do now... The city would never die as long as she protected it... But what good would her protection do as long as she was still fat and lazy? No. She would have to change that...
Raven started shivering...
She knew these thoughts well, but now she wouldn't fight them. Why had she fought them, anyways? She didn't remember, but she didn't care. She could change it now, she could start over. She didn't even need her friends there--after all, they just got in the way.
Then she stopped shivering. Bad sign, it meant she was getting too cold. She would have deserved to freeze to death, but who would protect her beloved city then? No, she didn't want to die of hypothermia, thank you very much. She turned the water to a comforting warm and reached for the shampoo...
A/N: Is it short? Yes. Is it important? Yes. Very. Is it ever-so-slightly scary? Yup. Now, to answer you, leah...
leahgrave: Why, thank you. Yus, I am doing that... Yes, it's on purpose, as seen above. (I'm not going to write out what it is, though, so other intelligent readers can figure it out for themselves.) :D Yeah, I've noticed that, when most people do have her participate in self-mutilation (which happens often) they do tend to make her a cutter. And it always bothered me, because I don't think the Raven I know would do something so blatantly obvious. She'd stop it either immediately before or after the first cut, she's strong enough for that. But have you ever heard that little bit of advice on how to boil a frog alive? If you drop it in a pot of boiling water, it'll jump out! But if you drop it in a pot of lukewarm water and slowly turn up the heat, it doesn't notice the water slowly getting hotter and hotter until... Presto! Frog soup! That's always how I imagined Raven acting when faced with difficult emotions and problems... like death and depression. She tries her hardest to make everything okay (or as close as possible), and so she doesn't know anything's happening, until it's too late, and it's already too much a part of her to let go on her own. Gosh, I'm making MYSELF feel really depressed, too! Okay, I'm gonna stop now. I LOVE YOU TOO!! ::huggles::
Next chapter will feature more of the same... By the way, I realized something a while ago. If you read, but don't review I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHETHER OR NOT YOU READ IN THE FIRST PLACE!! So please, review. It's fun for me, and knowing people like the story so far helps boost my poor, waning self-esteem, which only makes it better!
BTW, I'm going to write a songfic to help keep this from driving me crazy/making me too depressed (do you know how hard planning all this stuff is?) and it's going to be and incredibly sweet BB/Rae romance, in the same continuum as this one, but later, when they're older. There are just a few songs that remind me so strongly of my idea of their relationship that I just can't resist. So watch for it! Neways, till next time!
HA
By Heavenly Awkward
Disclaimer: I don't own Raven, any of her friend/enemies/people who are somewhere in between/people she doesn't know, but are there, or Jump city or anything in it but what I make up... Did I cover everything? O.o;;;
NOTE: Fairly graphic self-abuse starts here, and MAY TRIGGER! Please, guys, I don't want everything you worked so hard for to go down the drain, so if you're not sure if you can take that, just go read something happy, okay? (Like cute little fluffy bunnies, pastel rainbows and little fishies swimming around in their little fishbowls! )
Chapter 5: In which Raven feels guilty and pays for her previous actions.
Raven came slowly to consciousness, and was awake before she realized it. She was in her room, lying comfortably under her soft grey sheets. She was exhausted, but her "internal clock" told her that it was NOT morning. Funny, though, that she didn't remember coming to bed... And despite the late hour, she was achingly tired, and her head still pounded with the beat of the music from the night before...
...Oh. Right. Last night. Oh no. I feel sick... Nonononono...
Raven was up and on her feet before she knew what she was doing. She ran into her batheroom and knelt before the toilet and pressed her fingers back in her throat and held them there and it hurt but a few moments later she vomited and it came up. She stopped a moment, then did it again, and again, until she only spit up water and blood and knew it was gone. Tired and drained, she stood shakily and flushed it away.
Then she stripped quickly, turned on the shower, and stepped in. She turned the temperature knob to the left, and the water became warm, soft clouds of steam beginning to rise. Raven stepped under the stream of water; She wanted to wash the smells of alchohol, sweat and vomit from her hair and body. She paused. Her hand snapped out and twisted the knob to the right, and the water turned freezing, so that she gasped as it hit her, streaming down her body from her hair, down her face and back and arms and chest and legs like ice. Her instincts told her to jump out as fast as possible, but her mind drove in, keeping her there, and her mind was stronger.
Don't move! She told herself viciously. Stay here. How could you have done that?? You could have blown the whole club to the ground, you idiot! God, you have no self-control, do you? Do you WANT to kill somebody?? You have too much power to let go like that! One slip, one moment of real anger, and you could destroy the city! Do you want that? DO YOU WANT THAT??
Her mind ranted on, telling her about all the potential she was supposed to have had, all the wonderful things she COULD have done, but didn't, and why? Because she was lazy, weak, because she couldn't keep from drowning in the emotions she'd be better without... But that was no more...
Raven hugged herself, feeling the goosebumps all over her skin.
She would change all that, she had thought she was working hard, but that was nothing compared to what she would do now... The city would never die as long as she protected it... But what good would her protection do as long as she was still fat and lazy? No. She would have to change that...
Raven started shivering...
She knew these thoughts well, but now she wouldn't fight them. Why had she fought them, anyways? She didn't remember, but she didn't care. She could change it now, she could start over. She didn't even need her friends there--after all, they just got in the way.
Then she stopped shivering. Bad sign, it meant she was getting too cold. She would have deserved to freeze to death, but who would protect her beloved city then? No, she didn't want to die of hypothermia, thank you very much. She turned the water to a comforting warm and reached for the shampoo...
A/N: Is it short? Yes. Is it important? Yes. Very. Is it ever-so-slightly scary? Yup. Now, to answer you, leah...
leahgrave: Why, thank you. Yus, I am doing that... Yes, it's on purpose, as seen above. (I'm not going to write out what it is, though, so other intelligent readers can figure it out for themselves.) :D Yeah, I've noticed that, when most people do have her participate in self-mutilation (which happens often) they do tend to make her a cutter. And it always bothered me, because I don't think the Raven I know would do something so blatantly obvious. She'd stop it either immediately before or after the first cut, she's strong enough for that. But have you ever heard that little bit of advice on how to boil a frog alive? If you drop it in a pot of boiling water, it'll jump out! But if you drop it in a pot of lukewarm water and slowly turn up the heat, it doesn't notice the water slowly getting hotter and hotter until... Presto! Frog soup! That's always how I imagined Raven acting when faced with difficult emotions and problems... like death and depression. She tries her hardest to make everything okay (or as close as possible), and so she doesn't know anything's happening, until it's too late, and it's already too much a part of her to let go on her own. Gosh, I'm making MYSELF feel really depressed, too! Okay, I'm gonna stop now. I LOVE YOU TOO!! ::huggles::
Next chapter will feature more of the same... By the way, I realized something a while ago. If you read, but don't review I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHETHER OR NOT YOU READ IN THE FIRST PLACE!! So please, review. It's fun for me, and knowing people like the story so far helps boost my poor, waning self-esteem, which only makes it better!
BTW, I'm going to write a songfic to help keep this from driving me crazy/making me too depressed (do you know how hard planning all this stuff is?) and it's going to be and incredibly sweet BB/Rae romance, in the same continuum as this one, but later, when they're older. There are just a few songs that remind me so strongly of my idea of their relationship that I just can't resist. So watch for it! Neways, till next time!
HA