Kathryn was awakened shortly before 0300 by Katie's cries, making her sit straight up in bed. Once she remembered where she was, she smiled sleepily. Chakotay was right - that little lady could make quite a racket! As she pulled on the robe she had replicated she heard Chakotay's voice as he passed her door. "Shhhh... you're going to wake Aunt Kathryn." She went quietly to the kitchen door as Katie continued to put up a fuss. She watched for a few moments as Chakotay tried to hold his very vocal daughter and prepare a bottle at the same time.
"Can I help?" Kathryn said, coming into the kitchen.
"Now see what you've done?" he said to Katie in a mock scolding. "You woke Aunt Kathryn." He turned and smiled, handed over Katie then went back to preparing the bottle. Kathryn cradled Katie and began to talk to her. As before, Katie settled and listened intently.
"Are you giving your daddy a hard time? I know, I know... the tank's on empty, isn't it?" Chakotay's back was to them and he smiled at the way she had phrased it. He listened as she went on. "He's going as fast as he can, Little One. What's that? Tell him to go to warp?" Kathryn looked up and addressed Chakotay. "Katie says hurry it up over there."
Chakotay turned and approached them with the bottle. Kathryn noticed his sleepy eyes and tousled hair and she forced back a smile, wondering what she herself must look like. Kathryn handed Katie back to him then followed him into the livingroom where they settled on the sofa. As Kathryn sat sideways by him she pulled her feet up beside her.
"I'm sorry we woke you. Go back to bed." Chakotay said softly.
"In a while." she said, watching Katie eat hungrily.
"Didn't I tell you she was loud?" he said with a chuckle.
"She sure is." Kathryn said, noticing him stroking Katie's tiny foot with his thumb. "You're so good at this, Chakotay."
"Surprised?" he asked, grinning at her.
"A little, yes." she said, still looking at Katie. "But I always knew you had this gentle side."
Chakotay looked back down at Katie. "These little creatures have a way of bringing that out in people." he said thoughtfully, then looking at Kathryn he added, "She's done it to you, too, you know."
Kathryn glanced up at him with a slight smile, choosing to ignore that comment. "I still can't get over how tiny she is."
"She's only nine days old," Chakotay said, "give her some time."
"I know. It's just that it's been a long time since I've been around a newborn. I wasn't here when my sister's children were born." She reached out to hold Katie's tiny fist. "They're so innocent and vulnerable when they come here." she said, almost whispering. They were quiet for a long time just watching Katie. Kathryn remembered Chakotay's words 'I don't know what I would've done if I'd lost them both'. Glancing up she saw the pride and adoration in his face, and once again she was so very thankful for this baby. When tears threatened to spill Kathryn got up and went to the kitchen. Chakotay heard her order coffee from the replicator.
"You won't be able to get back to sleep." he said with a smile as she settled back beside him.
"Oh yes I will. I developed an immunity years ago."
Following a burp, Katie refused more formula and instead drifted to sleep in her father's arms. "I'll go put her down." Chakotay said quietly. "I'll be right back."
"Aren't you going back to bed?" Kathryn asked as she lifted the cup to her lips.
"Not yet," he said, "I have something for you. Hold on."
When Chakotay came back he crossed the room to a cabinet, took something from a small drawer then came toward Kathryn. As he sat beside her, she accepted the framed photo, at the same time putting her coffee cup on the end table.
"That was six months ago." Chakotay said softly. Kathryn gazed at the photo for a long time. It was Chakotay and Seven at the beach. He sat on a large rock wearing jeans and a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Seven sat on the sand between his knees, one arm draped over his thigh, also wearing jeans and a white shirt. Chakotay had a hand on her shoulder and they both were barefoot. Their smiles were wide, their happiness as abundant as the ocean behind them. Six months ago, Kathryn thought...they had known their child was on the way.
"It's wonderful, Chakotay." Kathryn whispered.
"Seven wanted you to have it. She was going to give it to you the next time you visited."
Kathryn suddenly brought the photo closer then looked up at him. "Her occular implant."
Chakotay took the photo from her hand and looked at it as he spoke. "She had the studio remove it from the picture." he explained. "She was always hopeful a way would be found to remove it. But it wasn't a priority with the medical community. I mean, there weren't a lot of x-borg around." A tinge of anger had entered his tone and he paused, forcing it down. His voice softened as he continued. "It meant so much to her to look like everyone else. She insisted on this portrait mostly for the baby. She wanted our child to have a picture of her normal parents." He handed the photo back to Kathryn. She touched the photo with her findertips. "I will treasure this. Thank you."
Kathryn was sitting at the table in the morning with her coffee when Chakotay came in with Katie nestled against his cheek. She and Chakotay said "Good morning." at the same time.
"How's Katie Bug this morning?" Kathryn asked.
"She's ready for a bath just like her old man." he answered. "Will you hold her while I get a cup of coffee?"
"I'd love to." Kathryn said as she held out her arms. She accepted the wriggling bundle and began to talk to her. "Good morning Little One. Look at you, all bright eyed, and even prettier than yesterday! How'd you do that?"
Chakotay had poured himself a cup of coffee, pleased that Kathryn had made real coffee instead of replicating it. He turned to face them, leaning against the counter as he drank his coffee. "She's very taken with you." he said to Kathryn.
Kathryn shot him a smile. "I can feel myself being wrapped very tightly."
"No shields can protect you from that." he said, almost sadly. Kathryn was unaware of the vivid dream he'd had of Seven and how heavily it weighed on his mind.
"Do you trust me to bathe her?" Kathryn asked as he came to sit across from her. "You could have your bath and some time to yourself."
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"I wouldn't have offered otherwise." Kathryn said with a kind smile.
"Alright then," he said, "I'll show you where everything is when I finish my coffee."
Chakotay found them later in the livingroom, Katie in her cradle, Kathryn sitting on the floor beside her.
"How'd it go?" he asked with a smile as he toweled his hair.
"See for yourself. I didn't break her." Kathryn joked. "Katie was very cooperative."
"That's my girl." Chakotay said as he reached down to gently jiggle Katie. "We have to break Aunt Kathy in gently." He looked at Kathryn with a sly smile as he stood, tossed the towel onto the sofa and began to fasten his shirt. By the glare he received he knew she wasn't going to go for 'Kathy'. "Did you have some breakfast?" he asked, quickly changing the subject.
"I'm still having it." she answered as she took the cup from the floor by her knee and lifted it up. He rolled his eyes, thinking that someday she would surely turn into a cup of coffee.
"I almost forgot," Chakotay said "Katie's pediatrician is coming by to check on her around 0900."
"Then I'd better get my own bath." she said as she got up from the floor and poked him gently in the chest with a forefinger. She took another glance at Katie then went down the hall.
She settled into the tub with a sigh and closed her eyes, relishing the feel and smell of the almost too hot, scented water. All the years of sonic showers had served to deepen her appreciation for long soaking baths.
Though her presence here was because of terrible circumstances, Kathryn was enjoying this time with Chakotay. He needed her now and she was more than happy to be there for him. And then there was Katie. Never could she remember having been so taken with a child, not even her niece and nephew. Chakotay was obviously under Katie's spell as well, and thankfully so. Kathryn was quite sure Katie was holding him together right now.
When Kathryn later entered the livingroom she found Chakotay on the sofa with Katie in his arms. He glanced up at her and smiled.
"Katie was just telling me how much she likes you." he said.
Kathryn shook her head, smiling, and sat down beside them. "Tell Miss Katie Bug that I'm quite pleased with her, too."
The doctor made his appearance and pronounced Katie in perfect health. He was a kind, older gentleman and Kathryn liked him right away. When he told her that Seven had spoken of her often during her prenatal visits, Kathryn was both surprised and flattered. He went on to say that Seven had fully credited Captain Janeway for her very existance, for giving her the happy life she was enjoying. Kathryn was so touched she could not respond.
"Kathryn's responsible for getting us all home." Chakotay had said softly. He smiled at Kathryn who still could find no words.
After Katie's next feeding when she'd been tucked in, Chakotay and Kathryn went out onto the back porch and settled into the large wooden rockers. Chakotay seemed to be lost in thought again and Kathryn remained quiet. She had brought out a cup of coffee and as she lifted it to her lips, from the corner of her eye she saw him looking at her. She took a sip of coffee then turned to meet his gaze. The look on his face was strange.
"Chakotay?" she said quietly.
"Kathryn, I had so many things yet to say to Seven. Now my chance is gone. If I've learned anything from losing her, it's to say what's on my mind." He paused, saw understanding in her eyes. "I have something to say to you but first I need to know that you'll hear me out."
"I'm not going anywhere." Kathryn said, steeling herself for what was coming and placing her cup on the small table between them.
Chakotay turned a little in his chair to face her and chose his words carefully. "For years I waited for you to see or acknowledge how I felt about you. I knew why you couldn't, and as much as I hated your reasons, I understood." He paused, trying to gage her response. It was taking everything in her to keep him from doing exactly that while keeping eye contact. "For a long time it was almost enough just to be near you, knowing you cared about me in your own way, even if it wasn't the same way I felt about you." Kathryn realized she was holding her breath and silently, slowly exhaled. Chakotay's gaze went to a spot in the backyard as he went on. "To this day I can't remember when I...when I turned my attention to Seven. At first, I think, I was hoping you'd hear about it and be angry. That way it would've been easier to let go of what I wanted for us, you and me. Either that, or you'd change your mind about keeping me at a distance. I don't know." He slightly shook his head. His gaze remained distant and after a few moments he went on. "But then I fell for her. I didn't really even realize it until there was no turning back. For the first time in a long time, I couldn't wait for each new day, to see the look on her face when I entered the room. It felt good to have my feelings returned." He glanced at Kathryn quickly then averted his eyes again. "I'm not sorry it happened. She made me very happy." he said, then almost in a whisper added "The short time she was here."
And there it was, out in the open. The words, finally spoken, could never be taken back. Why then, he wondered, didn't he feel the relief he had expected?
Kathryn was quiet for several moments, praying she could find the right words. Slowly she stood and stepped closer to the bannister, unable to face him. Crossing her arms she began. "Since we're bearing our souls here, I have something to say too." she said softly. After quietly clearing her throat she went on, her voice a bit stronger. "I think I...no, I knew you had feelings for me. Hell, I think the whole ship knew it. For reasons you well know, I wouldn't allow myself to get too close. By never approaching it with you, it was easier to pretend it wasn't real. I'm not saying it wasn't difficult for me. It was. But as hard as it was, it turned out to be the best for you and for Seven. And that beautiful little girl in there." She took a deep breath before going on. "I saw how happy she made you and I cared enough about you to be happy for you." Despite trying to be strong, her voice waivered slightly. Chakotay stood and turned her to face him. She was relieved to see his boyish grin as he put his hand on her cheek and brushed away a tear with his thumb.
"That wasn't so hard now, was it?" he asked. Kathryn rolled her eyes and smiled. "Friends?" he asked. She looked into his eyes.
"Friends." she said with a quick nod.
They had reached their understanding. The air was clear and they were, if it was possible, even more comfortable with each other. Their time was spent talking, laughing, crying, spoiling Katie and visiting with friends that came by. Two weeks passed quickly and Kathryn began talking of leaving. She told Chakotay that she had some things to do before her assignment and that she really wanted to spend some time with her mother, sister, niece and nephew. She dreaded leaving for she had fallen completely and hopelessly in love with Katie. They shared a strong bond. No matter how fussy Katie became, Kathryn's voice immediately soothed and quieted her. Chakotay had joked that he was going to make a recording of her talking to Katie to keep on hand.
Chakotay didn't try to talk Kathryn out of leaving for he knew it would be selfish. He had no doubt she would stay if he asked.
The day Kathryn was to leave Chakotay tried to be upbeat but she knew him too well. They were on the back porch where so much of their time had been spent over the past two weeks.
"I'll be back to visit soon." she assured him.
"I know." he said with an easy smile.
"I'm as close as a call, you know that. It's not like I'm going to the Delta Quadrant." Kathryn said, seeking to lighten the mood. They both laughed. Chakotay looked at her for a moment.
"I'm so glad you came."
"So am I." she answered sincerely. "Especially since Katie and I have become such good friends."
"She's going to miss you." Chakotay said softly.
"Not as much as I'll miss her." Kathryn said as she stood. "I'll miss you, too." Chakotay stood and they shared a firm hug, Kathryn patting his back.
"Come back soon." he said.
"I promise." she said, her chin on his shoulder. When they stepped back, Kathryn put a hand on his chest and said. "I can see myself out, but I want to say goodbye to Katie first." He nodded. "I'll see you soon." she added.
Chakotay watched her step into the house then sat back down. Twice he reached for the monitor badge on his shirt to turn it off but stopped. In a moment he heard Kathryn's voice as she spoke to Katie.
"Sweet Katie, I've come to say goodbye. I'm going to miss you so very much, do you know that? Now, you be a good girl and take extra good care of your daddy. He misses your mommy so very much. He's very sad and you must help him through this. I know you can do it. I'll be back to see you soon, alright?" Her voice trembled as she said "Goodbye, Katie." A moment later he heard the front door open and then close.
Kathryn's family was very understanding about the time she had spent with Chakotay. They knew how close she was to her former first officer, and that the loss of his wife, also Kathryn's friend, had been devastating.
The last few days of Kathryn's leave were spent taking care of loose ends connected with, and preparing for, her upcoming assignment. She had a lot of material to go over and was having trouble concentrating, something very unusual for her. After reading for half an hour and realizing she had absorbed almost nothing, she sighed and reached for her monitor to place the call. A moment later Chakotay's face appeared. He was glad to see her.
"Katie's been asking about you." he said with a wide grin. Kathryn smiled and shook her head. Chakotay shifted Katie from his shoulder to the crook of his arm and pointed at the screen. "Look, there's Aunt Kathryn."
"Hello Katie Bug." Kathryn said softly, then looked back at Chakotay. "She looks bigger!" Chakotay smiled and glanced down at Katie then back at Kathryn. "Are you both well?" she asked.
"We're fine," he answered, "but we miss you."
"I'll come by as soon as I get back." Kathryn said. "In about six weeks."
"Katie and I will look forward to it." he said. Kathryn did not miss the sadness in his eyes.
"Chakotay," she said gently, "try to get out a little. You both could use some fresh air and sunshine."
"Yes, Ma'am." he teased, knowing she hated the term. "Don't stay away too long. She's growing fast."
"I'll see you both soon." she promised.
Tom called the next day to ask Chakotay if he and B'Elanna could come by for a short visit. They had been unable to visit sooner because Tom had been sent on an assignment.
"You finally made it home!" Chakotay said when he saw Tom on the screen.
"Yeah, and not a moment too soon." Tom said. "B'Elanna's doctor says our little fella could show up any day now."
"That baby's not here yet?" Chakotay asked, very surprised. Tom put a finger to his lips signaling that the subject was not one to bring up. Chakotay heard a loud huff from somewhere in the distance and Tom quickly changed the subject.
"So, are you up to a visit? B'Elanna and I would like to stop by."
"I'd like that." Chakotay said, "Aren't you bringing Miral?"
"Well," Tom said hesitantly, glancing to his left toward B'Elanna who was standing just out of Chakotay's view, "we hadn't planned on it..."
B'Elanna's face appeared in the view screen in front of Tom. "Miral's taking the terrible two's to a whole new level and she's not even two yet." she said seriously, "Sure you're up for her?"
"I'd welcome the distraction," Chakotay laughed, "Hello to you, too, B'Elanna."
"Alright, Old Friend, you asked for it!" she said as she quickly stepped away. "Miral! Put that down!" Chakotay heard her yell. Tom stepped back to the monitor with a sheepish grin.
"You're a brave man, Chakotay." He said. "One wild little Klingon terror and one very volatile, very pregnant Klingon woman, coming up!"
"I heard that!" B'Elanna called from a distance. Tom winced. Chakotay was still laughing when Tom ended the transmisson.
Chakotay answered the door with Katie in his arms and looked fondly at his two dear friends and their pretty daughter. Miral, in her father's arms, looked at Chakotay with curiosity and trepidation. Tom and Chakotay shook hands then Chakotay reached up to touch Miral's cheek. The toddler jerked away and glared at him with an intensity never seen on such a small child. A 'death glare' he thought to himself. "I see she takes after her mother." he said with a grin.
"Didn't I tell ya?" Tom said as he stepped inside. B'Elanna and Chakotay stepped closer to one another and embraced as well as her bulging middle and his holding Katie would allow.
"I've missed you." B'Elanna said as she stepped back.
"Me too." Chakotay said softly. "Come in!" He stepped aside for her to enter the house. "Make yourselves comfortable, please." Chakotay said as they entered the livingroom. Tom had already settled on the sofa, Miral perched on his lap.
"Give me that baby." B'Elanna said as she sat in the leather chair and held out her arms. Chakotay handed Katie to her, beaming with pride. B'Elanna looked down at the infant with a broad smile. "She's so beautiful, Chakotay."
"Thanks. I think so." he said as he sat on the other end of the sofa from Tom. He noticed Miral's glare had intensified at the sight of her mother holding Katie. He also saw that Tom was holding onto Miral firmly as if she would pounce at any moment.
"Yeah, they're sweet at that age." Tom said, immediately regretting it. Chakotay glanced at B'Elanna and saw fire in her eyes.
"Are you saying our daughter is no longer...sweet?" B'Elanna said, obviously trying to keep her tone calm.
"Uh, no, of course not," Tom said, still clinging to a now writhing Miral. "I only meant..." he began, but at that moment Miral's flailing hand hit him in the mouth, making him jump. There was a moment of silence before Chakotay and B'Elanna burst into laughter. Tom slowly smiled then laughed with them as Miral stared at them one by one, as if they'd lost their minds. This only served to make them laugh harder.
They were making casual conversation when they noticed that both Miral and Katie had drifted off to sleep in their father's arms. B'Elanna had been forced to give Katie up to Chakotay earlier when Miral showed no sign of settling down until she did so. Chakotay slowly rose and placed Katie in her cradle. "Tom, you can put Miral in Katie's crib if you like." he said as he settled back on the sofa.
"Good idea." Tom said, carefully getting up so not to wake his sleeping child. "Be right back, folks."
"First door on the right." Chakotay said. When Tom was gone he looked at B'Elanna. He saw sympathy in her eyes and forced up a smile. "I'm alright." he said. B'Elanna pushed herself up and stepped over to sit by him on the sofa, folding her arms around him.
"No, you're not," she said tenderly, "but you will be. In time. You know there are a lot of us who are here for you when you need us, need anything." She gave him a final squeeze and settled back on the sofa, one hand on her belly. Tom reappeared and went to Katie's cradle, bent down to get a closer look.
"She sure is pretty, Chakotay." he said. Noticing that B'Elanna had abandoned the leather chair he took it for himself. Chakotay put an arm around B'Elanna and looked at her, then at Tom.
"It sure is good to see you two." he said.
"Same here." Tom said as he leaned forward, elbows on knees, hands clasped. "We can't tell you how sorry we are about Seven."
Chakotay nodded slowly. "I appreciate that."
"Like I said," B'Elanna added, "if there is anything at all we can do..."
Chakotay looked at her, then at Tom, then at the sleeping Katie. "I do have something to ask the both of you, but first I need a promise."
"You have it." B'Elanna said at the same time Tom said "Name it."
"Promise me that if it's too much to ask, if you have any reservations, you won't be afraid to say no. You don't even have to give me an answer today..."
"Ask" B'Elanna said, putting her hand over his.
"I'd like you to be Katie's guardians if anything should happen to me." he said, watching their reactions.
B'Elanna looked at her husband who was trying to read her. When he saw her slowly smile, her eyes misty, he knew they agreed.
"We'd be honored." Tom said past the lump in his throat. He suddenly stood and extended his hand. They shook firmly. Chakotay then leaned over and kissed B'Elanna's cheek.
"Thank you," he said with a wide smile. "That makes me feel better. Much better."
Kathryn's assignment turned out to be quite mundane and she wondered if Starfleet was giving her these unchallenging ones on purpose. Her thoughts often went to Chakotay and Katie and she realized how very much she missed them, longed to be with them. Maybe Chakotay was right. Could it be time to make a change in her life? To stay closer to home?
One evening Kathryn was relaxing in her readyroom, gazing out the viewport and remembering the conversation she had had with Chakotay about their feelings while in the Delta Quadrant. It had been good to clear the air although the conversation itself had scared the hell out of her. Fear was not an emotion Kathryn handled well, especially when it involved someone close to her. She remembered with a smile how her stomach had knotted and she'd had to remind herself to breathe. She sipped her coffee then rested an elbow on the back of the sofa, her chin in her palm. Her thoughts went back to when she had first caught wind of Chakotay and Seven's relationship. She had entered one of the the cargo bays and found them standing near a storage bin talking. They greeted her at the same time. It wasn't until she had retrieved what she had come for and was on her way to the turbolift that she realized something was not quite right. They had been standing closer than would be normal for a general conversation, yet they had not stepped away from each other when Kathryn entered, which would have been a give away. She tried to remember if there had been anything unusual about their demeanor but could not put a finger on anything. Still, she fell something odd. Several weeks later on one of the evenings she had asked Chakotay to dinner, he had politely declined saying he had made plans. Just before she went to bed that evening she instructed the computer to locate Commander Chakotay.
"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters." came the answer. Kathryn stood there for a long time, talking herself into, out of and back into what she was about to do. She instructed the computer to locate Seven of Nine. The computer chirped then answered "Seven of Nine is in Commander Chakotay's quarters."
So, she had her answer. Kathryn had not been prepared for the roller coaster of emotions that came. Surprise, almost disbelief came first. Resentment that neither had mentioned it to her, followed by realization that they shouldn't find it necessary to tell her anything. It was their own business, of course, as long as it did not interfere with their duties and there had been no indication of that. Sadness came next, which was paticularly difficult for Kathryn. She reminded herself that she was the one that had kept him at bay, never allowing any indication that a relationship between them could be possible. And finally, slowly, happiness. She cared deeply for both Chakotay and Seven and wanted them to be happy. Kathryn chose this feeling, happiness for them, to cling to and pushed the others aside. It was settled for her.
Now, over two years later, she found herself wondering if it had ever been as settled as she had convinced herself it was.
"Damn." she whispered as she stood and headed for the doors to the bridge. Rather than further examine her feelings, she chose to busy herself otherwise.
Chakotay had decided to take Kathryn's advice and get out of the house for a while. He had begun to feel the stirrings of restlessness which he told himself was a good sign. Kathryn's visit had helped him get through the early, most difficult time of grief. In the few weeks since she'd left he had had lots of time to think, to remember, to further grieve. The evening hours before sleep came were the hardest. This was when he and Seven had spent most of their time together. With each day, however, came a little more relief. Far from being healed, it at least gave him hope for somewhat of a normal future. He knew he had to stay strong for his baby girl was depending on him. As he dressed Katie for a visit to his department at the academy, he spoke softly to her.
"Daddy wants to show you off. You don't mind, do you?" Her dark eyes watched his face as he spoke and Chakotay felt his heart swell to the bursting point. Leaning over her he rested his hands on the changing table at her sides and watched her, his expression peaceful. Only a short time ago if someone had told him he could feel love this overwhelmingly strong, he might've doubted it. The love he'd had for Seven was deep, but it was romantic, adult love. The love he felt for his newborn daughter was all-consuming. It was unlike anything he had ever experienced and it took his breath away. Some days he wondered if he'd survive the intensity of it.
Katie made a soft noise which nudged into his thoughts and a smile spread across his face. Scooping her up he said, "Let's go Katie Bug.", using the nickname Kathryn had given her.
Kathryn materialized in her apartment just after 1800 hours, tossed her case onto the sofa and went immediately to the replicator for coffee. So much for trying to wean herself off caffeine. The dull headache had begun in the shuttle on the way to headquarters after her ship had docked. She went to the sofa and sat down, took sips from the coffee then set it down to remove her boots and uniform jacket. Picking up her cup, she went to the computer and sat down. After checking her messages and finding none that needed immediate attention, she placed a call to Chakotay.
"Hello stranger." he smiled. Kathryn was much relieved to see him looking better than when she had left.
"Hello, Chakotay." she said, "How are you?"
"Better." he answered.
"And Katie?" Kathryn asked.
"She's fine. No, better than that...she's wonderful. I don't know why I waited so long to have a child." The moment the words left his mouth, he realized how funny it sounded. Suddenly they were laughing.
"Well," Kathryn said, "I seem to remember a little seven year detour along the way." Chakotay was grinning and shaking his head. "It's good to hear you laugh." Kathryn said.
"How was your mission?" he asked.
"Successful but boring!" she said, leaning back and holding her coffee cup in both hands.
"Hmmmm..." Chakotay said, pretending to be puzzled.
"What does that mean?" Kathryn insisted.
"That doesn't sound like you." he answered, forcing down a smile that still showed in his eyes. "I seem to remember you telling me that your life is on the bridge of a ship." He was teasing her and enjoying it too much.
"Damn," she said softly "you always did have a good memory."
Chakotay chuckled. "I thought you were coming by when you got back."
"I will, tomorrow." Kathryn said. "I just want a long soak and another cup of coffee." She smiled and leaned closer to the monitor. "Is that alright?"
"Of course." he nodded, "I'll tell Katie."
"Give her a kiss for me?"
"Aye, Captain." he teased, then grinned fondly. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
When Chakotay opened his front door with Katie in his arms, Kathryn immediately took the baby from him and stepped by him into the house. Chakotay looked down at his empty hands as he shook his head and closed the door. Putting his hands on his hips he said "Hello to you, too!"
"Sorry." Kathryn said then turned on her heel and walked back to him. To his surprise, she stood on her toes and kissed his cheek. As he reached up to to touch his cheek where she had kissed him she said. "All better now?" Without waiting for an answer she looked down at Katie and said, "See how fragile they are?"
They talked, catching up on the weeks since she had left. Kathryn wanted to hear all about what Katie had done, how many ounces of formula she was taking at each feeding now, was she sleeping longer between feedings or even sleeping through the night? Though Katie and already eaten, she became fussy and would not sleep. Chakotay told Kathryn she was fighting sleep because she didn't want to miss anything. Kathryn put Katie on her shoulder and began walking with her, talking softly. Chakotay went into the kitchen to make a fresh pot of coffee. When Kathryn had gotten Katie to sleep and put her to bed, she came into the kitchen where Chakotay sat at the table with two cups of coffee in front of him. Pretending to brush something from her hands she said "Nothing to it." and sat down. Chakotay gave her a look as he slid a cup of coffee to her. "Alright, I lied." she said with a laugh. She lifted the cup and drank, rolled her eyes and said, "Mmmm...the good stuff."
Chakotay laughed and took a drink from his own cup. Kathryn looked at him closely...yes, he was better and her heart rejoiced. It had been hard to see him in such deep pain. "How are you doing?" she asked softly. He put his cup down, seemed thoughtful for a moment then met her gaze.
"I'm going to be fine." he answered.
Kathryn's expression softened and she nodded, relieved. They both knew it was true, that someday, he would be himself again. As she leaned back in her chair, she stared at her coffee cup for several moments, lost in thought.
"Kathryn?" Chakotay said finally, realizing she had something on her mind. She glanced up at him for a moment then looked back at her cup.
"I had a lot of free time while I was away. I thought of Seven a lot." Kathryn knew that it sometimes did those in mourning good to talk about their lost loved ones. She was offering him a chance to get some things off his mind if he so desired. "I'm glad she found so much happiness." she finished.
There was a flash of anger in his eyes but he immediately forced it down. Even though he sometimes had to fight the urge to rant and rave about the unfairness of her death, or to keep himself from putting a fist through a wall, he could not spew his anger in Kathryn's presence.
"I just wish she..." he began, but his voice broke and he could not go on. Kathryn quickly reached out to cover his hands with hers.
"I'm sorry. I thought you might want to talk." She removed one hand and touched her fingertips to her forehead. "I shouldn't have..." Her hand now went to his forearm as she leaned forward. "Chakotay, I didn't mean to cause you any more pain."
"I know that." he assured her. "I realize that talking about her is good. It's just that sometimes I get so angry that she...that she was taken at the happiest time of her life. She didn't even get to see our baby."
"You have every right to be angry. I feel it too." Kathryn looked into his eyes, her heart aching for him. "It's so unfair."
Chakotay went to get the coffee carafe and refilled their cups. When he returned the carafe he stared out the window for a moment then spoke, keeping his back to her. "She insisted on naming Katie after you, even though she knew how I felt about you."
Kathryn felt her heart skip a beat in her surprise. She put her elbows on the table and covered her face with her hands. When he turned and saw her this way, he went to sit across from her and pulled her hands away, leaned in to make her look at him. "She never held it against either of us, Kathryn. She loved us both."
"I know." Kathryn whispered, tears filling her eyes.
"I didn't tell you this to upset you." he said regretfully.
"Why did you tell me?" she asked sadly.
Chakotay let go of her hands and leaned back in his chair. "I'm not sure," he said, "maybe so you would know how much you meant to her."
"Did you at least tell her that nothing happened between us?" she asked.
"Yes." he answered.
Suddenly uncomfortable under his gaze, Kathryn stood and went out onto the deck. He did not follow immediately, giving her a few moments of privacy as he remembered the night Seven had brought up the subject of him and Captain Janeway. They were lying in bed in the dark having just made love.
"You were in love with Captain Janeway" Seven had said. It was a statement, not a question. After a moment of silence, he had answered.
"Yes, Seven, I was. For a while."
"Captain Janeway did not return your feelings?"
"I never told her how I felt." he answered. There was a long silence which he assumed meant she was trying to understand.
"Why did you not tell her?" she asked.
"It wouldn't have been appropriate."
"It is sad," Seven said, "that you were alone for so long."
Chakotay had raised up on one elbow and looked down at her, barely able to make out her face in the darkenss. "But I found you." he'd said. She had reached up to place a hand on his cheek and said "Thank you, for being honest with me."
Chakotay stood, went outside and found Kathryn standing at the porch railing, arms crossed, staring into the backyard. He stood beside her resting his fingertips on the railing and did not speak.
"Why did you tell her?" Kathryn asked.
"I would probably never have told her, but she asked me about it one night and I was honest with her."
Kathryn was silent for a long time before she said "She was a remarkable woman." From the corner of her vision she saw him nod. He was remembering the day in the nursery when Kathryn had told Katie the same thing while he stood in the hallway listening. "We're both so fortunate to have had her in our lives." she added, turning to face him. He looked at her but his gaze was distant.
"Yes," he said, "very fortunate." Once again he realized how blessed he was to have Kathryn in his life. Though at one time he'd wanted much more than she'd been ready to give, he was thankful for the special kind of love they'd been able to salvage. It defied description yet held them fast to each other. They stepped closer to each other and shared a long hug.