RW/HrG
Couldn't But Should've
"All these years I've felt it. It's always been there, always changing as time has gone by.
"When we were eleven, I didn't understand the feeling, thought the excitement was from all the adventures we'd had.
"Then we'd turned twelve, and I recognized it for what it was, a crush. I figured that I would just get over it, hoped it would just go away. But I started to get scared when everything went wrong, you almost dying. Still I figured it would leave.
"Third year, I realized I was not getting over it. But when we didn't speak for almost half the year, I lost my nerve to tell you. I really should have. All those rows we had, they could've ended so easily, but of course, so could the little inkling of a friendship we had. So I didn't tell you.
"When we were fourteen, I had made up my mind to tell you, but then so many- no, too many things happened. That night, the night of the Ball, I realized how stupid I was. What you told me, shocked me. I couldn't tell what you meant by it, or even if what I heard was what you said. Sadly, I also realized that you could never be mine, not after he got you. So, I couldn't tell you.
"But that summer you proved me wrong. You didn't go with him, you came to me. I meant to tell you then, but all you ever wanted to talk about was my best mate. I knew the score: him-you, me-nothing. I should have told you before, completely my fault, I told myself. But over the year, I began to realize maybe he didn't have you. My confidence was boosted, until I realized the other still had your heart. I was no competition, still only a friend. I couldn't tell you, couldn't ruin such a precious friendship.
"Now, this year has been bitter sweet, but it's about to get worse. Once again, I'm faced with telling you the truth, my true feelings. I shouldn't tell you, not now. We're about to face something we've never faced before. It's too late now; we might not even make it through. But now it's time for me to tell you what I always should have, what I couldn't…just in case I don't make it through, just know…I love you."
I looked up at my best friend, the one I had known and loved for six long years. Everything I ever planned on saying to him faltered from my lips. It could have been the last we ever spoke, but in my heart, I knew that wouldn't be so.