Chapter 2: Shock, Shock, Horror, Horror My Phrase! I'm gonna sue! Or not

All the men were down in the tunnel. They had just radioed London about Hitler.

"I think we should knock him off and not wait for London's permission," said LeBeau.

"Yeah. This may be our only chance to bloody kill 'im," Newkirk responded, agreeing with LeBeau for once.

Kinch replied, "Hold it, fellas. We're waiting for London's response. If they say no, they'll have a dmn good reason as to why."

"They may not want to make him into a martyr. There are other leaders in Germany," stated Hogan.

"Yeah! Like this one time, there was a beehive under the eves in our house and my dad killed the Queen thinking they all would die and then the bees were smart and got another…." rambled Carter.

"Carter!" Hogan yelled, trying to get the young man's attention.

As time passed, they left one by one, except Kinch and Hogan.

'My God, I had too much to bloody drink last night. There's nothing left to ward off the hangover with!' Newkirk thought as he made his way to the latrine. 'Oh, I think I'm going to be bloody sick.' Newkirk arrived at the latrine to a very long line. He thought about it, and realized that if he opened his mouth he'd be sick everywhere. So he walked up to the tiny "window" and crawled in. He fell over on the other side and heard a clattering. It sounded like a bomb going off in his head.

"Newkirk, what's this?" asked Carter. "It looks like a piece of FLAK."

"It's me spoon."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is! My mum was deathly ill, so my uncle spooned gin down her throat. It made her so strong, she bit the bowl off the bloody spoon. She gave me what remains for protection. Now, if you'll excuse me, my own gin tends to make my stomach weak."

Newkirk left for the porcelain goddess, and left Carter standing there dumb-founded and confused, as usual.

In the tunnel, the radio started chirping, and Hogan and Kinch lunged for it, upsetting their game of chess. Kinch got there first.

"Papa Bear here. Go ahead, Mama Bear," Kinch wrote down the message and grimly handed it to Hogan.

"Burnt Pancakes! Get the guys down here". Kinch scurried up the ladder to round up our heroes while Hogan read and reread the transmission.

After a few minutes, the guys filed in.

"What's up, Col?" asked Carter.

"He has a transmission, stupid," said LeBeau. "Now shut up and let him read it, stupid farm boy ."

"Umm, thanks, LeBeau. I think," said Hogan. "This is what London says, and I quote, 'We are referring you to two new contacts, 'Snegurochka' and 'Vasilisa'. They are in charge of this operation and will explain everything. They have proved to be able contacts in the past. Watch out for 'Snegurochka'- don't make her angry!'"

"One of them's a girl!" cried Newkirk with obvious delight.

"Cool it, Newkirk. 'Vasilisa' might be her husband," replied Hogan.

"'Vasilisa' is a girl in a Russian fairytale, and in 'Snegurochka's' fairytale, she literally has no heart," said Kinch.

"I can fix that," responded LeBeau confidently.

"I doubt it Louis. These are Russian names," said Kinch.

"But Marya's Russian!" defended LeBeau.

All the men groaned simultaneously.

Carter stated "Vasilisa is a story about a brave and beautiful girl-"

"I like this story already!" interrupted Hogan.

"Like I was saying, she had a little Matroshka doll and her mother's blessing. With these, she defeats Baba Yaga and her evil stepmother. She ends up marrying the tsar."

"Okay, so there's hope for 'Vasilisa'," said Newkirk.

"How do you know this, Carter?" asked Kinch.

My Grandmother was Russian. She immigrated when she was six. She told me Russian Fairytales all the time. Then she died the day before I enlisted. That was a week of many emotions. Especially with Pearl Har-."

"Carter!"

A/N and Disclaimer: Umm, we don't own, obviously, Hogan's Heroes, nor do we own "She came in through the bathroom window" by the Beatles, Bang bang Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon her head… Sorry, wrong song My Fair Lady, the Princess Bride, or any Russian fairy tales.

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