Author: Rothalion

Title: Shadowboxing

Summery: Alexander reflecting on Hephaistion and more. Stone's movie-verse driven. First ATG fan fic. An expansion of Cleitus punching Hephaistion at the banquet before the wedding. I love that scene. Not sure where it will go just yet, it's already growing far larger than planned.

POV switch: Hephaistion

Thanks for all the reviews and comments. This as well as other nonsense will be posted on my LJ at

Rating: PG-17 for safety. Rape descriptions.

Disclaimer: Don't own him. After all, besides Hephaistion who could?

Chapter six

It's been three months since the wedding and though I show little interest in his kind visits Alexander still keeps coming to me. To ease my pain, to comfort me and try to drive away the dark pall that clouds my heart, but I find that I have no stomach for his ministrations. No real desire to see the light and beauty around me. Alexander, my lifelong friend and confidant. My lover. I now seem to be somehow mute to his words and numbed and frightful of his touch. These past months have tried my will and plied at my soul. Cleitus' attack and subsequent punishment, Alexander's wedding, the deepening resentment of the other companions toward me. Endless mountains of work. Only Ptolemy remains a friend. Never have I felt so isolated and insecure. I feel as if I am stumbling through a dream. Set aside by Alexander for a wife and then to receive the letter.

I shudder still at the memory of reading those words for the first time. The foul bit of rumor appeared on my desk three days after the wedding. Three days that were for me lonely and heartbreaking. It was tossed in with a pile of other unopened scrolls. I sat and began to tiredly work my way through my mail, fighting to keep my eyes open, but stopped when I came to the unsealed and somewhat rumpled one. I opened it with fearful curiosity.

" Hephaistion,

This is to tell you how little the one you love so devoutly treats your loyalty. While you lay lost and bleeding after your beating, Alexander was bedding the eunuch Bagoas. As a loyal follower I am duty bound, my lord, to aid you, and inform you of this travesty during what can only be a difficult time for you."

It was unsigned and while I knew the intrigues that flew around the court I was instantly struck with vomiting. My entire body shook, sweat poured down my spine and I bit into my lip to squelch the scream that threatened escape. Despite all efforts to hide my distress my alerted Page came running and helped me away from the desk and to a chair, quickly cleaning up the mess and bringing me wine.

Yes, I'd heard the whispers but I'd dismissed them, and now this. How much farther from his life did Alexander want to push me. Yes, much of the distance between us these last few months was my doing. Especially after I received the letter. I just couldn't open my heart to him. It was as though it had been sealed in a great vault with my trust in him and the keys had been tossed away.

Alexander had spent every night, for a month after the wedding with Roxane and I'd seen virtually nothing of him. It was his duty, and while it left me alone with my own pain from Cleitus' abuses, I understood it. Thought that I could deal with it. Maybe it was all simply poor timing. He needed to be apart from me when for the first time, in our long relationship, I so badly needed for him to stand by me. To be with only me. To help me heal. To hold me up. To be the pillar for my damaged, tired and wounded soul that I had always been for him. The gods know that I have no one else. Who can say. The fact is, that by the time he did come, after that long month of searching alone for some redemption for my weakness; my soul had frozen over and like the sharpest adze, my overwhelming shame and guilt at what had been done to me by Cleitus and the reality of Alexander's bedding of Bagoas had chipped away at my always somewhat gentle spirit, leaving me deeply splintered and wounded.

The letter. I so much wanted to disregard it as a cruel attempt to goad me into some foolish action, but it rang so full of truth in my logical mind that even if he tried, Alexander could not deny it if I asked him. I'd caught the glances between them. I'd even caught the little tart scurrying from Alexander's room after he'd unbarred his door upon hearing my key in the lock. A door that had never been 'barred' to me. Locked yes, but I have a key, the thing had been barred as well that evening. The scene left little to the imagination. So I am no fool when it comes to Alexander's off handed desires. It hurt. It hurt to know that while I had remained true he had acted upon his base desires and broken his promise to me. A promise we'd pledged as youths. I hurt! I am a soldier, a General, a Chilliarch and as fierce a fighter as most anyone else but it hurt, what was done to me. Cleitus ripped something from me that I don't think anyone or anything can ever replace and Alexander had betrayed me for the first time in our lives.

While my logical mind explains my agony away and begs me to stand strong and willful like a good stone hewn Macadonian General, to suffer in silence and bury my pain and weakness…my true and human soul cries out for comfort in the arms of Alexander. Fear and hurt keep me away though and three months of despairing over the truth of the letter and my shame about Cleitus' invasion of my body have only driven me that much farther from the very source of the solace I so desperately need. Enough of this exhausted beleaguering, Hephaistion, get yourself up and go to the day's meeting!

The meetings were the hardest part of the day. I could not help but wonder which of my shrewish companions knew the full extant of Cleitus' attack on me. Which ones knew of my shame. The doctors, while loyal to myself and Alexander, had been threatened with death should they divulge any information, but still. Ptolemy knew and I am sure that the few men with him and Alexander that day may have wondered. So now I had to contend not only with the normal jibes and barbs but with my own self doubts. Knowing that I'd dealt swift punishment to my attackers, that my men were still fiercely loyal to me and that I had made my ranking and position in this court known did little to calm my concerns.

I stood there and listened as Alexander droned on about this allotment and that taxation plan and who to promote. The training schedules and provisions for a night march… I stared at the strangely carved wall before me. I let my mind drift aimlessly in a sea of apathy, exhaustion and depression. Craterus was screaming at Perdiccas about some such issue and now again Alexander was babbling about pack mules and camels and how to move some huge shipment of timber…The deeply carved wooden wall was fascinating and as I stared at the oddly wrought creatures they began to slither amidst beautifully colored flowers, I could smell the blossoms I could hear the birds… as I slipped farther and farther from the reality of the meeting, horrible visions began to play across my mind. Cleitus and his men, the rats, blood and gore. Severed heads…fountains of blood… snakes…I heard my name as a mere whisper from some place very, very, very far away.

"Hephaistion?" I felt a hand on my left shoulder, jumped away from the unexpected contact and drew my blade on the attacker; abject fear clearly etched across my face. "Phai?"

Phai? It was then that I noticed the tears running in thick rivulets down my stubble covered cheeks, and snot poring from my nose.

"Phai?" He never calls me that in public. "Phaistion?" Then after a pause, "Leave us!" He screamed with a violent wave of his arm.

I cringed at the fury in his voice; the voice he used for commanding troops in battle, and misunderstanding, thinking that he meant to banish me for my weakness, I turned and made to leave, but he again grasped my shoulder and again I leveled my sword at his throat. Then in a voice reserved for our most private moments he halted me. "No, my friend, not you my Phai, not you."

I blinked in confusion and scanned the room for the first time with eyes that could actually see. My chest was heaving as I gulped for air that refused to fill my lungs. They were all there, swords drawn except for Alexander, so blind is his trust. They were staring at me, the one who dared level a weapon on their king. Gods and what a sight I must have been. Trembling, snot nosed and crying, my sword clutched in my shaking fist, the point aimed at Alexander's throat. They sheathed their weapons and filed out. Ptolemy paused and squeezed my arm as he passed, his bright eyes filled with worry. It warmed me just a bit, broke the spell and my sword dropped to the floor. I know the others will go off and laugh and berate my foolish display but at least Ptolemy cared. I am so tired of being hated. No, I am just so very tired. Sleep refuses to find me and my mind twists and pivots around all manner of nonsense endlessly. Alexander?

I have no recollection of how I've arrived in Alexander's chambers. I have strange sense of feeling strong arms bearing me along. Of feeling for the first time in so very long, safe. Of being surrounded by a very tight circle of men. It is more of a sensation though than a memory.

I watch as he pours the wine and crosses to where I am slouching in a great soft chair. He sits beside me, hands me a cup and nods for me to drink. I still feel very distant, but staring at him I drink and hand him back my cup. He has tears pooling in his confused and worried eyes. I am not sure why. Has something awful occurred. I flinch a bit when he reaches out to push my hair back, and now his tears flow freely at my display of mistrust.

" Alexander? Why do you cry?" I ask quietly, my nerves tingling.

"Phai? Phai? What is it Phai? What torments you so? What just happened Phai? In the meeting. Phaistion, I have tried, my beloved, to reach into this accursed darkness that has swallowed your soul like some behemoth of the deep ocean and rescue you from its maw but Phai…"

My chest is heaving now and reduced to sobbing I bury my face in my trembling hands. My control is gone. Shattered. Exhaustion, despair, loneliness and confusion have won out. I reach into my robe and withdraw the letter. Why I carry it, I am not sure. It burns against my chest and reminds me of my pain. I hold it out and takes the vile thing.

I look away as he reads it, I cannot stand to see the truth in his eyes.

"Where did you get this?" He demands, the softness gone from his voice. I shrug absently wondering if he will try to deny it. "Do you believe this Hephaistion?"

Defeated "Yes, Alexander." He is silent as he stands, walks away and returns, the letter crumpled in his tight fist.

"And you would be correct in doing so, my much loved, Hephaistion. I…erred. Failed you. Failed us and the gods. We have paid for my transgression. I am sorry."

So there it was. My answer. I am not surprised. So why do I still feel so dead? No deader. So old yet truly we are so young yet.

"Alexander." I needed words. "Xander." I finally looked up at him. Tears still fell from his worried eyes. "Alexander, help me to heal, Alexander. Help me to be strong again, to be honorable enough to be your Patroclus again. I can't bear to loose you over my weakness and shame Alexander. I fought them Xander, I fought them… I fell to Cleitus' punch in the hall, they all saw my weakness, I…my shame…shamed you. To die before disgracing your…"

He dragged me roughly into his arms. I saw the understanding in his eyes then, that this wasn't only about the eunuch, but also about the shattering of my self esteem and pride beneath Cleitus' fists. About the fear losing him after being stripped of the very things that I felt kept me glued to him. My honor, my pride my confidence my ability to fight and win.

"Is that what you think Hepaistion? That I love you less! That Cleitus could drive you from me with a beating! That you…you are a lesser , weaker man because of what they did to you? Never, Hephaistion! Never!"

He was incredulous, and holding me so tightly that it hurt. It was a good hurt. A hurt that even in the darkest abyss of this despair that has suffocated my spirit as of late, I knew that the pain would begin to heal me.

"I fought them, Alexander." I mumbled into his shoulder, shuddering like an aged oak in a stormy breeze as the memory played again across my mind. "I swear on the tomb of the Sacred Band, that I fought them! I meant you no disgrace by trying to live!"

"Phai, it was seven armed men to your one. What man could turn such odds, Phai, what man? I know that you fought with the heart of a lion, but Hephaistion the task before you was like that of a, fawn beset by hounds. Like a blaze beneath torrents, and torrents of god sent rain, even the fires of Prometheus fail when doused with torrents of rain and he too is a god! What man my brave Hephaistion?"

My voice only a defeated whisper I answered him. "You Alexander, you. Gaugamela. You. 'You' my Achilles would have found…"

"Enough!" He said almost too sternly and my hackles raised a bit. Had I angered him? He pushed me away and held me by my forearms. "No more of this Hephaistion! No more!" He tipped his head down a bit to looked up into my downcast eyes. "You have always been somehow gentler than me. You have always been, since our youth, so prone to this brooding and these…these dark fits of doubt and depression. Gods above Hephaistion I believe that your moodiness rivals even mine at times." He shook me a bit then grasped me by the biceps. "I will not loose you to this. I'll not allow you to wallow in this mire of guilt, self pity and doubt. I will earn your trust again Hephaistion and we will suffer Cleitus' ravages as one soul, and as one body, just as we always have done." Then he got that 'I've got a great idea' look in his eyes and I panicked just a bit. "We are taking a trip! And you my dear friend are going to get some much needed rest!"

"Please ,Alexander, not a trip. Please. Remember Siwa, Alexander. Not another trip."

He laughed then, a deep and wonderful laugh that despite my gloom sent a wave of warmth through my soul. He grasped my face between his hardened hands and again looked me in the eye as only he could, his head tilted ever slightly to the left and his lips curled slightly in the smile I loved. Fiercely he stared, yet warmed me with such love at the same time. Gods I need him. Have needed him. How much I've missed him I cannot describe with words. I expect him to kiss me and I tense despite myself. He feels it and holds off. The kiss would not end there, we both know each other well enough to be sure of that, and I am not ready for more than his gentle touch just yet. Alexander reads it in my eyes and pecks me sweetly on the forehead.

"No, my great General Hephaistion Amytor, just you and I. Us, just us. Us and our horses and a few servants and guides. Some hunting, no just riding and breathing free for a bit Hephaistion, like before all this insanity consumed me."

I pulled from his hands and studied him for a bit. "Not you Alexander, consumed us. Just a few guides and servants you say?" He nodded a smile slipping again across his face. "Not the eunuch."

"No, not the eunuch." He replied with a chuckle. "Never again. Never again. I have not touched him since that morning, and will not. The burden of my marriage is enough for you to carry. The gods have punished me and rightly so for my loss of control. Though truth be told, to pain me through you is a cruel and horrible burden for me to suffer and for you so unjust. Please Hephaistion, find it in your heart which is half my heart, to forgive my infidelity, to forgive me for the gods' choice to mete out my punishment through you and for me causing it."

"I am working on it Alexander. I am just so worn down as of late. I…I long to rest a bit, yet I cannot bear the shame of disappointing you with my exhaustion and my weakness. And Alexander do not doubt in the gods decisions." He nodded and continued.

"No shame, Phai. There is no shame. You work so hard at all I ask you to do. Ten times harder than the others. Stop trying to constantly prove, and insure your place at my side. If you were a cripple, mute and blind that place would still, Hephaistion, belong to you. May the gods damn them all for their churlish jealousies." Again he took me in his arms, though gentler now. "Today, you sleep! A hot bath, attended to by me, some good sweet wine and then to bed with you. I will make certain that you sleep. Now off with you, go into the bedroom and prepare for your bath. You have robes in the chest. We are alone. Today is yours."

I turned to go and paused with my back to him. "Alexander, earlier, at the meeting…I am sorry. I do not know what came over me. A spell of sorts. I drew my…" He turned me round and shook his head.

"No more about it today Hepaistion, save for another time when you are rested. Then we will puzzle it out."

So I went and readied myself for his much desired ministrations. Sleep I needed, just to sleep undisturbed. I craved it and desperately so. I needed him. True to his promise he bathed me and marched my now lethargic person off to the great soft bed. After a time he joined me, reclining back against the bountiful pillows and pulling me up and onto his chest. I curled myself against him and nestled in his arms like a small, lost child and listened to beating of his great heart until it's steadiness lulled me into sleep.