Author: Rothalion

Title: Shadowboxing

Summery: Alexander reflecting on Hephaistion and more. Stone's movie-verse driven. First ATG fan fic. An expansion of Cleitus punching Hephaistion at the banquet before the wedding. I love that scene. Not sure where it will go just yet, it's already growing far larger than planned.

POV: Alexander

Thanks for all the reviews and comments. This as well as other nonsense will be posted on my LJ at Strong PG-17. M/M not too graphic but it's there. If pulled from FFN follow the link to my LJ, which because I am computer stupid is not a true link. Type it in.

Disclaimer: Don't own them. Stones movie verse does.

Chapter Seven

Sun and Storms

We're three days out now, camped in a small lush valley in the mountains. The guides have told us that game is plentiful here and that the cool clear water running in the quick moving creek is good. The place is beautiful. It is to these tawny mountains what Siwa is to the desert.

For his part Hephaistion is still sullen and silent, still keeping himself distanced from me. The hope I held for an easy reconciliation after he allowed me to bath him and hold him while he slept has diminished. I do not think it possible for the man to become any more withdrawn and I am becoming quite afraid that he has simply been too damaged by all of our trials to be healed. We consider ourselves young and strong, invincible and invulnerable to the wounds and traumas we suffer but now after seeing Hephaistion so crushed in the grist mill of my ambition my eyes have been reopened; they have shown me that we are not gods, that our flesh is that of mere men and can be husked from our bones like wheat kernels stripped of their casings when used as fodder for the mill stones of glory. Are we that? Only fodder? Is that how I have treated him? Treated all of them? If only I could, I would beg Hephaestus to create some soul saving armor for Hephaistion. Armor to protect him when the flare of my brightness burns and blinds him. A shield to cover him when he is pinned between the hammer of my duty and the anvil that is wrought of my Companions hate and jealousy. May the gods help me, for if I cannot be his armor, if I cannot be his oasis, a haven of gentle warmth, of light and love I do not know how I will bring him back to me. Even Achilles' armor failed to protect his Patroclus and conversely I have failed to protect my Hephaistion from the brutal malice of my men and my own desires and dreams for him.

Now, sitting here, watching him thrash and writhe trapped yet again in nightmare plagued sleep I fear that I will fail in healing his mind and soul. Crossing the tent I kneel down and grasp his shoulder firmly to rouse him. As I do he sits up suddenly and screams out for, of all things, Bucephelus.

"You were dreaming again Phai." I tell him my voice a whisper soft and comforting. "Lie down my friend and go back to sleep." He nods to me and rubs his stubble covered face in his trembling hands before laying back down. I cover him and cross back to my bedroll. Tomorrow we will ride Bucephelus together. We've not done that since Pella.

Lying awake, I rub my thumb over and over across the stone in the ring that he gave me on my wedding night as I watch him settle back into sleep. The even rise and fall of his chest and the familiar rhythm of his breathing make me miss his presence in my bed so much more acutely. I wish that he'd sleep with me and not so far away. He says he is not ready. Ready. Ready for what Hephaistion? Tears slip down my cheeks. Ready to again love me. Ready to accept my love for you. How long have we been one soul Hephaistion, how long? I bring the ring to my lips and kiss it, how long and what cost?

Morning dawns bright, crisp and clear. A blue wisp cloud dappled sky greets my weary eyes as I exit the tent. Hephaistion has already risen and I can see him seated, not far off, watching the crystalline, silver hued water slip shimmering and mirror like passed in the gurgling creek. Ignoring him I head straight for Bucephelus, with two field packs and two wineskins draped over my shoulder. As I draw near he snorts and silly though it is, I raise a finger to my lips to silence him. He is my second dearest friend, only Hephaistion and Bucephelus hold my complete and unwavering trust and love. Neither has ever let me down and until now neither has ever withheld their love from me.

"Ah my Bucephelus, how will we get our lost Phaistion back, how will we regain his love? He only drifts farther and farther and farther away. Caught in the great boulder born ripple current of my actions called despair. Will he too blind himself as Oedipus did and never again see the beauty that is life and love? You my great Bucephelus must help me today. Help me turn my Hephaistion from this shadow that haunts him, just as I did for you. Help me to turn his face to the sun's warmth and make him great and strong again."

A short time later we sidle up alongside of Hephaistion's hunched form but he is so lost in his water musings that it is a long moment before he takes notice of us. Finally he looks up his clear blue eyes betraying the surprise he feels at suddenly seeing us there. Saying nothing I reach down and offer him my hand in invitation asking only with my eyes letting the special softness, that I show only him, shine from them. He stands slowly and with more stiffness than I'd ever really noticed before and with a sigh he twines his forearm round mine and swings up behind me.

I give Bucephelus his head and let him amble along the edge of the creek. Small groves of trees dot the shore not far up the bank and the only sound breaking our silence is that of Bucephelus' breathing and some native bird. A warbling sound that I find relaxing and somehow homey. Hephaistion has not spoken and I refuse to barter my position and strike up idle chatter with the hard headed fool. Fool, he's no fool and I know that, but my gut tells me to wait him out and make him come to me. I'd placed my hand on his thigh earlier but he pulled away so I backed off. Yes, I'll have to let him come to me.

Near mid-day I hear the distant grumble of thunder from the far side of the mountains. I hate the wait before a storm even more so than the wait before a battle. The insistent rumble sickens my stomach and tweaks my nerves. Gray cotton textured clouds have replaced the white ones of the morning, slipping menacingly over the hilltops and the air is growing cooler with the burgeoning breeze. Turning Bucephelus away from the creek and into the tree line toward the base of the cliff that runs along with the creek. I start singing quietly to ease my worry over the coming storm. Rain was coming and I can only hope for a bit of shelter from its fury.

Why, I do not know, but with the break in the weather came a break in Hephaiston's gloom. I feel his arms come round my waist as he settles his head against my back nestling himself between my shoulder blades. After a short while he raises his head and rests his chin on my left shoulder, his lips too near my ear.

"Why do you still fear it Xander?" Then before I could answer, "Do you recall the last time you sang for me?"

Was I singing for him? Yes, the song I chose was a favorite of his. It had just snuck into my mind and then slipped from my lips. I did remember the occasion. We'd gone riding and…

"My horse fell down that damned scree slope!" He spoke his chin still on my shoulder. "You put him down before I came around. I loved him, he was a gift from my father. Somehow you got us up and onto Oxhead here, me in front and you holding me up. What was it? A broken arm, shoulder and nasty head wound?"

I listened as he recounted the story. He hadn't spoken this many words to me in months. I was ecstatic. Yes, I'd held him and Bucephelus had gotten us home. My memory of the ride intermingled with his retelling of it. I'd started singing to him as night fell and the air had gone horribly cold. He'd shivered violently in my arms and the sound of his teeth chattering was driving me mad. So I sang to him. So long ago that was. So long ago that it seems a memory from another lifetime or that of another man.

I continued to ride paralleling the cliff face in search an overhang or small cave that would keep us a least half dry. Hephaistion just continued talking, his head again resting against my back. The warmth of his body against mine was a distraction, I missed him terribly. A light misty drizzle had begun to fall and I shivered as Hephaistion without warning gathered my hair together in his hand, pushed it aside and gently kissed the back of my neck, his moist lips lingering just long enough and pulling away with a subtle suction and flick of his tongue that flooded me with desire. I couldn't stop the moan that rose from my belly, rumbled like the distant thunder and escaped across my lips. I wanted this ride to bring us together, but now it would seem that things getting quite interesting.

"Phaistion?" I said my voice husky with desire and wonder at his sudden mood change. "Is everything alright Hephaistion?"

I felt his chuckle against my back. He released my hair, smoothed it down and again spoke to me his lips once again near my ear his warm breath, and stubble tickling the side of my neck.

"Yes, Alexander. But they would be better if the Great King could find us a dry place to weather out the coming storm." Again his chuckle warmed my heart as he hugged me tightly around my waist and still leaning in close again whispered in my ear as if his words were a treasure for me alone. The trees were not to hear them, or the clouds, or Oxhead only me. "I love you Alexander and I 'have' missed you." Then he sat up and away from me the sudden loss of the warmth of his body sent a wash of cold down my spine. "Oh and Great King of mine," he placed his left hand on my shoulder and whispered again this time into my right ear. "You passed a wonderful little cave in the cliff face about two hundred feet back from here."

At that I pulled Bucephelus to a halt, twisted around and looked at him my brow furrowed in confusion. The easy smile on his lips brought great joy to my soul. I wanted to kiss him, and hesitated trying to read his thoughts. He leaned forward a little in invitation and I kissed his lips with all the gentleness that I could manage.

"Hephaistion, why in the name of Zeus are you whispering?" At that he burst out laughing and I followed suit.

" Well, we cannot have the whole world knowing that the Great king Alexander was so distracted by a tiny kiss that he failed to complete the 'simple' task of finding a dry place to weather a storm." Our hesitation cost us though as the sky finally released the deluge we'd been waiting for. I turned Bucephelus, nudged him to a canter and headed for the cave Phai found, laughing like little boys as we rode through the torrent.

The cave was narrow but deep, roomy enough for men but poor Oxhead would have to weather the storm. I opened the packs and removed the two large robes I'd brought along as well as the field rations and tinder box. Hephaistion made himself busy hunting about deeper in the dim recesses in hope of finding a bit of dry debris to start a fire. I'd packed enough supplies in the kit bags to stay out for a few days if we chose to. If nothing else I'd learned from my father how to travel light yet well supplied. He returned after a bit with his arms piled high with logs.

"Where did you find those?" I asked jumping to my feet and taking some of the load from his arms. It was a treasure.

"Hunters or shepherds must use this place as shelter, Alexander. Its well stocked with wood, some vats of grain and a cistern that somehow collects water from above. Its remarkable. After we change you must come and see it."

We set about starting the fire and drying our sodden clothes in a companionable silence. The rain still pored down and the thunder pounded the country side but ensconced in our small sanctuary I felt safe and happy for the first time in months. Hephaistion, warmed by the small blaze, had shed his green Persian style tunic and wearing only pants now, worked at softening some of the dried meat that I'd packed. The orange glow illuminated his sun bronzed skin and his hair, still damp and tucked back behind his ears, allowed me an exceptional view of the profile of his face. The tiny smile he wore at just being content with the simple task of cooking eased me heart and warmed my worried soul. I couldn't help but stare at him.

"Zander?" He asked catching me at my musings. "Zander?"

"It's nothing Phai." I reached out and touched his softly stubbed cheek. "Its nothing."

After we ate he took me back and showed me the cisterns and the vats of grain. There were stones for rolling out bread and even an oven carved into the wall. The people who used this place had designed a wonderfully suited shelter. The design captivated Hephaistion's curiosity and love of engineering. He has always been intrigued with the planning and building of things. He lectured about how the oven vented itself upwards through the cracks and how the main cistern remained clear and fresh because it overflowed and ran into an overflow basin, which in turn channeled the old water into a small pool. He figured that one could use the fresh water in the main cistern for cooking and drinking and the secondary pool for washing and bathing and it in turn when over full drained away into a crack in the cave floor. Another separate depression he suggested was an actually bathing tub. Apart from the running stream but near enough to the water source. I watched him as he observed the system, thanks to the rain, working at capacity. His eyes were bright and glad again as he puzzled over the large round stones stored beside the tub and the large heavy leather sling, and tankard kept with them. Finally chilly, I tugged at his hand and we headed back to the fire. Yes the set up was adroit but I could only stand for so much.

We sat side by side shoulder to shoulder leaning against each other and settled into easy and unfocused, and unimportant conversation. The rain still came down and the thunder, while less frequent, still grumbled. Then, in the midst of a recollection of his father's rolling estate and beautiful groves he stopped talking in the middle of a word. Surprised at the sudden cessation of banter I looked over at him. He was staring with unseeing eyes straight ahead at some spot across the cave. I scooted even closer to him and wrapped us both in my robe. I squeezed his hand between mine and leaning forward tried to read his eyes. They were empty. I panicked and cautiously turned him to face me saying quietly, with all the love I could lavish it with, his name over and over. Finally he blinked and shuddered, awareness slowly refilling the blue pools whose color could never be replicated by any artisan. It was a blue that belonged only to him. Unique in it's illumination, it shown with the light of some mysterious unknown but kind god.

I took his face in my hands and kissed him, he returned the kiss and we parted. In the silence I heard Bucephelus snort and stomp. Then I kissed Hephaistion again. He pressed his mouth against mine and fought with my tongue. I was surprised at his roughness. After all that had occurred I had readied myself to be as tender and gentle as possible. He pulled away and the light in his eyes seemed to have changed from soft and longing to angry. It frightened me but before I had time to ponder the sudden flux in his demeanor he crushed our mouths together painfully, cutting my lips with his teeth and grabbing fistfuls of my hair as handholds to press us even closer together. I could taste my blood and gasped into his mouth as he bit into my lower lip.

Pulling away I stared at him, I know that my face registered shock at his behavior. Our lovemaking while often rough never held an aura of anger but now I could feel it radiating from him in waves. His eyes were wild and bore the glaze of battle frenzy. His nostrils were flared like a wild stallion's at stud and his broad chest heaved in great bellowing gasps. As I started to speak he reached out again with his right hand grabbed me by my hair, yanked my head forward wrapping his left behind my head and crushed his mouth against mine again. He choked me with his insistent, probing tongue and tore at my hair, his fingers curled in its thickness incessantly pulling us together. I put my hands on his shoulders and pushed him away. Holding him at arms length.

"Phai, Hephaistion, you are hurting me, Hephaistion." I shuddered incredulously as he laughed and stood up.

"I would never hurt 'you' Alexander." His voice was distant, and menacing.

I was confused we'd gone from tender and gentle to vicious for no apparent reason that I could puzzle out. I stood and stepped closer to him peering at him a bit sideways my head cocked studying the odd set of his shoulders. The stance portrayed both defiance and insecurity at once. He reached out, with an arrogant tilt of his chin, sneered and swiped at the blood seeping from my battered lip with his calloused thumb.

"What is it you need Hephaistion? Tell me." I asked but received no reply. "Apologies Phai? Is that it. By the gods my beloved you have them. You-have-them!"

He stiffened and stepped away from me and toward the cave's entrance. What had gone wrong? What had I done to push him away again? My mind swirled like a dust devil born on the hot winds of the desert. What did I have to do to reach him?

I've made, to my credit, very few absolutely poor decisions in my life. The gods have granted me much grace in this and perhaps I abused their gift. Now, I was about to make another. Following after him I spun him to face me by yanking on his shoulder.

"Hephaistion," I got on my knees and took his hands in mine. "I am sorry for causing you such pain my dear friend. If I had thought for a moment that the gods would vent their fury and vengeance upon 'you' for my misdeeds, would punish me by punishing you…I would have made better choices, kept an even purer, more humble soul Hephaistion…" He yanked his hands from mine and rushed from the sheltering cave.

I followed behind him and grabbed his wrist, again twisting him to face me. The rain pelted us and the thunder mirrored the anger in his now dull and clouded eyes. What light left in them was a blazing fury of anger and hurt that I had no idea how to extinguish.

"The gods! The gods! Have you no sense of self recrimination…no ability to take responsibility for your action when they are not grand and glorious!" He shoved me and advanced, his fists balled and raised, his blue eyes squinting through the rain. "The gods, Alexander did not rape me! Did not leave me to die! Cleitus did! The gods Alexander, did not fuck Bagoas while I was dying in some dry creek bed! Dying as I prayed to a chip of stone round my neck, while rats tried to feed off me, that you would hear my voice and come to me! The gods Alexander did not break a sworn oath between two men who trust as blindly and completely as we did. I have been faithful to you! I trusted you! Have I ever Alexander betrayed our trust, betrayed you? Oh and what a beguiling, one sided trust it has turned out to be! As easily tarnished as the gold of your weighty crown." He shoved me again and suddenly I knew what he wanted. He wanted me not only to share in his pain, but to also give him a excuse to vent his hurt and anger against me. Although he couldn't sense it, I did share in his desperation and loss, and painfully so, but obviously any words that I could muster were not enough to express my empathy.

"Is that what it will take Hephaistion?" I slapped him hard twice, holding back nothing, and he was on me like a wounded boar, all fists and teeth, elbows and feet. He clawed, bit, punched, choked and battered me and I let him for a short while. I would gladly suffer his punishment if it meant that he would again be a part of me. Finally I took the advantage and flipped him over pinning his face sideways in the mud, twisting his free arm enough to cause him pain and hold him still. I was quite willing, at this point, to break it; anything to bring him back to me. In the rain and mud and thunder my childhood taunt had finally come true and Hephaistion was for the first time in our long relationship beaten by me. Leaning down I whispered harshly, but without anger, in his left ear.

"I told you Hephaistion that someday I would beat you, that day has come. You are mine and I am yours, and we are one. Nothing can change that. Not my indiscretions, not Cleitus' abuse or the hate of the others. We are, despite my ambition, despite my failings, 'my failings' Phaistion bound to one another by the gods themselves. Would you cheat them of their sacred workings Hephaistion? Dare to undo what they have wrought between us? Fight me if you will, blood me if you will but no amount of pain that you can inflict upon my body will drive you from my heart.

How many times my Phai have we been parted by battle, or I have I left you behind to fortify towns, make them impregnable? How many times? No matter, it is always the same. We part from one another with such inconsolable desperation and fear that we will never meet again in this life but we always succeed somehow in clinging to each other for as long as possible before that parting; the fruit of our love heavy on the vine called duty that chokes the happiness out of our lives, yet we hold on, staving off the inevitable fall that will finalize it's ripeness. And the cities, your cities are finally constructed and fortified and our reunion once again buttresses our love and bond to one another. I am begging you Hephaistion, pleading with you, do not continue to fortify your heart against my love. Open the gates, and do not fear me! Let me occupy your soul again. You began it today, now finish it…Let this siege be ended Hephaistion…"

He relaxed all at once becoming limp in my grasp. I helped him to stand and ushered him into the cave. We were filthy, wet and cold. I sat him beside the fire and stoked it a bit to bring up the flame.

"Alexander." His voice only a whisper "By the bathing pool, the large round stones, bring them, set them in the fire. Fill the tub using the tankard and put the heated stones in the bath, the water will be warmed for bathing. Use the leather sling to tote them."

Trusting his judgment I did as told. The stones hissed and spat but the water in the pool was warmed and I took him back to the pool and we bathed together. Washing away the mud and the grit of the battle we'd fought. He lazed sleepy eyed in the shallow water, silent and aloof. I washed the mud from his long hair and rubbed the tension from his shoulders. Cleansed we made our way wrapped in dry warm robes back to our fire. I'd set out the extra blankets that I'd packed and we stretched out side by side in the fires warmth. The rain had stopped and the night was filled with only the songs of a choir of discordant crickets.

For a long while I stayed away from him unsure of his needs and desires. I was certain though of mine and selfish as it may be I gave in to my loneliness and rolled closer to him. I stroked first his cheek and then his chest. I kissed him softly my battered lips not up for much more, starting at his neck and journeying down and onto his stomach. He pulled me back toward his face and ran his fingers soothingly over my torn mouth. He started to speak but I shushed him with a kiss. Our tongues again tangled but he was wary of my wounds and gentle beyond all reason.

I had to have him. My heart was a tympani drumming insanely against my ribs in an attempt to escape my chest. I stretched myself out atop him and stared into the blue depth of his eyes.

"I want…to be inside you, Hephaistion."

He tensed a little and his eyes betrayed his confusion. We'd never done this before. He had always topped me. I'd never had any desire to do otherwise.

"Why now Alexander?"

I studied his face, and rubbed the full length of my body hungrily against his. Indeed, why now?

"As 'your' Alexander I intend to reclaim that which is mine."

"I am not a country Alexander, I am a man." To this I smiled and sitting up a bit studied his chest.

"You seem quite country-like to me sir." I stroked his hardened nipples "These monuments that stand upon duel plateaus." I sucked his right nipple into my mouth, "Achilles' here." Then shifting, I grazed my fingers lightly across his chest and I nibbled the left. "Patroclus', here." He sighed as I pulled away. "Ah and what is this, a valley?" Sliding down his torso I slid my tongue down the shallow cleft of his chest and down to his taut, muscled stomach. " A valley running down into such lovely rolling hills." I tickled his stomach with feather fingers and my lips. "Oh and here, a deep water lake." I swirled my tongue into and around his navel, he arched his hips moaning at my ministrations. "What is this? I rasped my finger nails slowly along the length of his hardness. Then I licked my fingers, stroked him slowly and blew gently on his dampened erection. It twitched at the cool brush of air. "Ah, my dear Hephaistion, you've gone and erected a monument for me, I see." I looked up at his face, a wicked smile twisting my lips, and was overjoyed to once again see pleasure upon it. "Celebrating what my love? My success at breaching your fortress' walls and sacking your heart."

He grasped my hair, but gently now, and pulled upward so that we were face to face. He kissed me tenderly, wary of my lips, as he kneaded my neck and shoulders. He squirmed beneath me.

"Patience sweet Hephaistion, Tyre stood for seven months. Will you forsake your competitive nature for a quick culmination of this standoff?"

Gasping he answered me. "I'll not resist you any longer, my mighty Alexander." Gods his voice was wrought with such passion and need the sound of it nearly drove me to completion without being touched. "My country and my heart is and will forever be yours for the taking. Just do not be too slow about it, Tyre aside, 'we' have been apart for far too long."

Conceding to his wishes I took him. How different it was to be in control of this act, this display of love and trust. I nurtured him, overcome by the wash of his ardor. I prepared him and joined with him as he had me for so many years. It strengthened our bond and our love. It helped sooth the pain of his torture under Cleitus' hand, it made him brave and strong and confident again. I had him back. We slept little that long night. Instead we shared each other again and again. Comforted each other with touches and kisses and words. I let him know that my heart had had been as broken as his when I married. He recounted the nightmare of Cleitus' attack. We'd battered our way into and out of each others hearts in that warm dry shepherds cave high in the mountains miles, and miles and miles and a lifetime from where our love had been born. We were as it will always be, one soul again.