Disclaimer: I do not own The OC. The closest thing I own to The OC is first season on DVD. Though I most certainly would not mind having posession over Mischa Barton or Adam Brody
Warnings: Out of character-ness, slight insanity-ishness, slash, implied rape-ish situations, weirdness.
Author's Notes: So this started out as a really sweet Ryan hearts Seth little thing which was mutilated by my twisted mind into creepy Ryan hearts Seth a little too much and tries to take advantage of him little thing. You've been warned.
Contradiction
And you shouldn't smell this good
Like rain and ashes and salt
Because you've been working so hard
To keep those tears from falling
You should smell like guilt
Like shame something forbidden
Because that's what you are
The scent of you shouldn't fill my head
I shouldn't lay down on pillow dreams and smell you
Because you haven't been there
You haven't been lying beside me, every night
Arms wrapped around me
My face buried into the crook of your neck
Inhaling the sweetness that gets embedded into my sheets
But God…
God, I wish you had been
When I wake up in the middle of the night
Panting and sweating and screaming out your name
When I take deep breaths to try and get my heart to slow down
I shouldn't be inhaling you
I know, I know, it's just inside my head
My mind playing tricks on me
My senses working against me
But it's just so real
Like you were there
Sometimes I can convince myself you were
And you shouldn't be so beautiful
Because beauty isn't something someone like you can possess
You're all awkwardness and mismatched shirts and hair sticking out like a sore thumb
Dark chocolate eyes
That just bleeds pain
Kind of like mud and hurt
That's not beauty
That's average, normal, so common and bland it hurts
They should be below my radar
You're skin is too pale
With little blotches from the midday sun
Your hair is that same mud/hurt/blood/pain brown as your eyes
Curls and static and just kind of floating
Probably thick and rough...
Or maybe, just maybe, as soft as I know your skin is
I would give anything to know
The way your hair feels between my fingertips
Smooth or rough or there at all
It doesn't matter
Because I would be touching you and…
That's all that I can really think about, these days
The way you would feel
Because as much as you really shouldn't be
You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen
Because as much as I wish I could forget it
I'm only human and it's only human nature to want to have beautiful things
And you shouldn't be so innocent
You've been put through so much
So many bruises and cuts and scrapes left across your skin
Your fucking perfect flawless skin
You have so much pain etched into your face, your eyes
Yeah, you're messed up
Probably more scars than me
But still
You should be so much more jaded than you are
You should be so bitter and untrusting and afraid of me
I wish you were afraid of me
I wish you wouldn't look at me like you would give the world for me
You don't know how tempted I am to ask you to
You shouldn't let them in
You should be pushing them back and fighting like Hell to stay above water
Yet you drown so easily
So gracefully
You should know so much
You should understand pain and hate and loneliness so well
Sometimes I don't think you ever fully comprehending that you were an abomination
That no one else wanted you
You didn't
You were so caught up in your little world
Full of pretending and hoping and sugar sweet daydreams
You didn't even realize that I was the only one who ever reached out to you
You just kept living
Kind of like a child
Waking up everyday, forgetting that they all pushed you that much harder
Why can't you remember?
Remember that I'm the only one who was ever there for you?
Why do you have to be so fragile and good and filled with actual heart?
Why can't you just be bitter?
It would be so much easier if you could just push them away
Like they did you
Let me be your world
Let me be your everything
Please…
Please…
And you shouldn't feel this good
When I touch you
Letting my fingers graze yours for just a moment too long
My eyes shouldn't flutter closed and my breath shouldn't hitch
Your skin is so warm
So hot, like fire and ice or maybe something in between
How can you be this hot?
When I touch you
Gently, unsurely, every part of me shaking from the inside out
I don't want to stop
I just want to pull you closer and…
My body molds just a little too perfectly against yours
Like it's meant to be
But that's not right
Because this isn't right
I know it
But I can't stop it
I don't want to
Running my hands up and down your chest
Your back
Your arms
It makes me feel like screaming
Why is it this good?
Skin against skin shouldn't make my mind shut down completely
Shouldn't make me just give in to every animalistic instinct and desire
But it does
God, I just can't fight it anymore
Your lips are so soft
You taste kind of like tears
Pull you against me and I can't breathe
Don't wanna breathe
Don't want oxygen or blood or life or anything
I just want you
The only two things I can hear right now is you and now
And I shouldn't be giving in so easily
I should fight this pull
I should curl my fingers into will power like a razor blade
Hold on until my flesh is pulled off inch by inch and still not let go
Kick and punch and hit and hit
Scream no and stop
Kind of like you're doing now
But I can't st-
Don't, don't please
Don't pull away
Don't push away
Please, don't ask me to stop
Don't make me stop
Oh God
Baby, baby I can't
And this shouldn't be so easy
To slide my mouth from your neck to your ear
Nipping soft flesh
Moaning at the sheer wrongness of it all
Telling you to just relax
Calm down, baby
It's all okay
Everything is gonna be okay
Just stop…
Stop trying to push me away
Whisper soft words of comfort
My mind so fogged by how right this feels
That I don't even realize what they are
Come on, baby
Why are you pretending this isn't what you want?
I know it is
I've seen the way you look at me, sometimes
With this kind of love that's…
That's…
I can't explain it
But I know it's there
You want me
You need me
Why do you keep telling me you don't?
Are you still in denial?
Don't worry, baby
I was too
For so long I pretended that this isn't what I dreamed of
It was some pretty face and a soft voice and curves
It was the girl next door underneath me
It was feminine breaths that whispered "I love you"
But there's only so long that you can go on pretending that you don't need someone
There was only so long I could keep myself from touching you
Please, please, don't deny me this
Stop trying to deny me this
Damn it, baby, why are you still acting like this isn't what you want!
Oh, don't…don't cry
I'm sorry
Didn't mean to yell
It's just that…it's just…
God, do you know how long I've been waiting for this?
To hold you like this?
To kiss you like this?
To tell you I love you and own you like this?
Too long…
So, so long
After all this time of waiting
Of pretending
Of clenching my jaw and closing my eyes and pretending that I don't want you
You can't tell me no
Because that isn't fair
For you to hurt me over and over and just make me like this
You can't not let me have this!
Because it's mine!
You're mine…
You're mine
And you shouldn't think otherwise
And you shouldn't try to tell me otherwise
And you shouldn't keep fighting
And you shouldn't be pulling away
And you shouldn't say no
And you shouldn't let those tears fall
And you shouldn't taste like sugar
And you shouldn't not be wanting this
And you shouldn't…
And I shouldn't have…
This shouldn't be like this!
It shouldn't have been like that
But I just wanted to make you understand it, baby
You're a contradiction
And you shouldn't be
And somehow, you and me, together
We're gonna find out how to make it all okay again
But until then…
Please, don't turn your back on me
I know I hurt you
I'm sorry
I am
But I had to
I just had to touch you, feel you, keep you by my side
And I know I shouldn't have pinned you down and taken something that didn't
That you said didn't
Belong to me
And I'll make it up to you
One day you'll look back and see that this was how it had to be
Because you were afraid and I was out of control
I just want to love you, baby
And you shouldn't still be crying
But I'll kiss away your pain
If you could stop flinching
And you shouldn't still be pushing
So I wrap my arms around you
Hold you until you can't move at all
And you shouldn't keep your lips shut tight
Why are you still trying not to let me in?
I just press against you harder
And you shouldn't keep saying you don't love me
Because I know
I see it
You do
Please…just let me believe you do
And I shouldn't be such a contradiction
...right.
Seth: -whimpers-
Ryan: Erm...
Review?