A few days later in the studio, Lily hardly seemed herself. She had been
acting really weird since we had talked about her being with Ray. He didn't
seem any different. I could sense that he knew something was wrong with
her, and he kept looking over at her, but that was it.
Robbie noticed too.
He and I had volunteered to go get lunch for everyone. As soon as we got out of the studio he asked,
"What's wrong with Lily?"
I sighed. "No idea."
"Is it Ray?"
"It might be."
"So then you do have an idea."
I smiled. I still couldn't figure out what the situation was with Robbie. I didn't know if I actually was starting to like him or if I liked the idea that I could again have what I had with Travis. I knew it wouldn't happen, Travis was my 'once in a lifetime.' At least this is what I told myself.
He raised an eyebrow.
I sighed again. "Robbie, its not my place."
"Its cool, I'm just worried."
"So am I"
***
After the show Lily and I walked home.
"What's wrong?"
"I talked to Ray."
"About..?"
"Us."
I flinched. "Lil."
"Obviously not the thing to do, huh?"
"Well, what'd he say?"
"He was really happy. But then I started to think 'well, he just wants to score.' Then I realized that he's wanted to be with me for a long time. I just don't know."
"What are you going to do." I said.
"What would you do?" she looked at me.
I sighed. "I'd wait."
"For?"
"Until I knew he as the one I should be doing this with."
"And you knew with Travis how?"
Everything came back to Travis and me. "I was so scared, so worried about what he was going to think. But I couldn't stop. I wanted him to be apart of me, I wanted him to be me."
"Why?"
I shrugged, unable to answer and wanting to drop it.
"Cause you loved him."
"Well, for someone who's worried herself, you seem to know what to say to me."
She smiled. "I guess."
***
The next day after the show, Ray and Lily had left to 'go talk' while I was working on my summer homework for my honors history class I was taking in the fall. I could feel Robbie looking at me. I looked up at him and smiled.
He smiled back.
I waited for him to say something. When he didn't I went back to history homework. He got up and I could tell he was turning on a CD. Unable to concentrate, I looked up at him.
He had his back turned to me and was messing with the soundboard. After he and I had talked in the park, I began to realize how much he really did like me. I think he felt liberated after he had told me, free to be himself. It felt good to be wanted, but I still felt like I was betraying Travis. We had broken up; he was free to do as he wanted, as was I. I wanted to let myself believe that maybe, he had a new girlfriend, just so I could move on. But thinking that just hurt me even more.
When the song began, I immediately recognized it. I smiled.
"I love this song."
He held out his hand. I took it and we began to dance. He held me close and I laid my head on his shoulder.
The song was Acoustic #3 by the Goo Goo Dolls, and anyone who has ever really herd the song, can easily realize that it can be a depressing song. For me, this song meant my life.
Alcoholic father and I great up with who didn't care and a mother scared of running away.
I had never talked to Travis about this cause I was never in the mood to hear advice of some ancient inspirational quote by Buddha. I had only talked to Lily and Robbie about it. Robbie had always been there for the when I got upset and wouldn't try to fix it, wouldn't try to say anything to make me feel better. He'd listen.
Bu this time I had closed my eyes while we were still dancing. The short song ended and I looked up at him, grateful.
He had put his hand on my cheek and slowly leaned in to kiss me.
***
"So things went well?" I asked Lily. She had really been freaking out about getting this close to Ray. None of us, including her, could figure it out. Robbie had found out from Ray. Robbie didn't think it was that big of a deal, Ray blamed himself for Lily being upset and she was trying for the life of her to work it out.
She sighed. "Yeah."
"Lily, he's not making you do this."
"I know, but I want to."
"If you did, you wouldn't be this worried."
She said nothing.
"Want to know what I think?"
She nodded.
"I think your not scared of the situation, but the fact that you and Ray have been friends since you were babies and that if you take it this far with him, that you'll never be able to go back to it. But the way I see it, there's no one better to do this with for the first time. Maybe it is a test of your relationship, and if you guys are meant to be friends you'll realize that."
She looked at me, thought about it and smiled. "Yeah."
I couldn't help but laugh.
"Thanks." She said and got up and walked out of my backyard.
Robbie noticed too.
He and I had volunteered to go get lunch for everyone. As soon as we got out of the studio he asked,
"What's wrong with Lily?"
I sighed. "No idea."
"Is it Ray?"
"It might be."
"So then you do have an idea."
I smiled. I still couldn't figure out what the situation was with Robbie. I didn't know if I actually was starting to like him or if I liked the idea that I could again have what I had with Travis. I knew it wouldn't happen, Travis was my 'once in a lifetime.' At least this is what I told myself.
He raised an eyebrow.
I sighed again. "Robbie, its not my place."
"Its cool, I'm just worried."
"So am I"
***
After the show Lily and I walked home.
"What's wrong?"
"I talked to Ray."
"About..?"
"Us."
I flinched. "Lil."
"Obviously not the thing to do, huh?"
"Well, what'd he say?"
"He was really happy. But then I started to think 'well, he just wants to score.' Then I realized that he's wanted to be with me for a long time. I just don't know."
"What are you going to do." I said.
"What would you do?" she looked at me.
I sighed. "I'd wait."
"For?"
"Until I knew he as the one I should be doing this with."
"And you knew with Travis how?"
Everything came back to Travis and me. "I was so scared, so worried about what he was going to think. But I couldn't stop. I wanted him to be apart of me, I wanted him to be me."
"Why?"
I shrugged, unable to answer and wanting to drop it.
"Cause you loved him."
"Well, for someone who's worried herself, you seem to know what to say to me."
She smiled. "I guess."
***
The next day after the show, Ray and Lily had left to 'go talk' while I was working on my summer homework for my honors history class I was taking in the fall. I could feel Robbie looking at me. I looked up at him and smiled.
He smiled back.
I waited for him to say something. When he didn't I went back to history homework. He got up and I could tell he was turning on a CD. Unable to concentrate, I looked up at him.
He had his back turned to me and was messing with the soundboard. After he and I had talked in the park, I began to realize how much he really did like me. I think he felt liberated after he had told me, free to be himself. It felt good to be wanted, but I still felt like I was betraying Travis. We had broken up; he was free to do as he wanted, as was I. I wanted to let myself believe that maybe, he had a new girlfriend, just so I could move on. But thinking that just hurt me even more.
When the song began, I immediately recognized it. I smiled.
"I love this song."
He held out his hand. I took it and we began to dance. He held me close and I laid my head on his shoulder.
The song was Acoustic #3 by the Goo Goo Dolls, and anyone who has ever really herd the song, can easily realize that it can be a depressing song. For me, this song meant my life.
Alcoholic father and I great up with who didn't care and a mother scared of running away.
I had never talked to Travis about this cause I was never in the mood to hear advice of some ancient inspirational quote by Buddha. I had only talked to Lily and Robbie about it. Robbie had always been there for the when I got upset and wouldn't try to fix it, wouldn't try to say anything to make me feel better. He'd listen.
Bu this time I had closed my eyes while we were still dancing. The short song ended and I looked up at him, grateful.
He had put his hand on my cheek and slowly leaned in to kiss me.
***
"So things went well?" I asked Lily. She had really been freaking out about getting this close to Ray. None of us, including her, could figure it out. Robbie had found out from Ray. Robbie didn't think it was that big of a deal, Ray blamed himself for Lily being upset and she was trying for the life of her to work it out.
She sighed. "Yeah."
"Lily, he's not making you do this."
"I know, but I want to."
"If you did, you wouldn't be this worried."
She said nothing.
"Want to know what I think?"
She nodded.
"I think your not scared of the situation, but the fact that you and Ray have been friends since you were babies and that if you take it this far with him, that you'll never be able to go back to it. But the way I see it, there's no one better to do this with for the first time. Maybe it is a test of your relationship, and if you guys are meant to be friends you'll realize that."
She looked at me, thought about it and smiled. "Yeah."
I couldn't help but laugh.
"Thanks." She said and got up and walked out of my backyard.