Title: Now What, You Idiot? (01)

Author: Procella Nox-noctis

Category: Humour

Sub category: Humour

Keywords: Draco, Hermione, potions gone wrong

Summary: A potion gone wrong makes Hermione and Draco change bodies. Now, Hermione is in Draco's body and Draco in hers. To get out of this situation they must cooperate. Perhaps even become friends. But, what happens when each of them falls for the other's best friend? Blaise/Hermione, Draco/Harry pairings later on.

Sneek-Peek: They looked at each other. "Aaaaaaaaah!"

"Granger, what have you done to that potion, I'm, I'm, I'm YOU!" Draco said with a shocked expression.

"Being in your body isn't exactly a walk in the park for me either, Malfoy." she replied, making a sour face when one gold hair lib covered her eyes

A/N: This brilliant, I hope piece of work came to my mind when I was walking down the street. This will be my first ever slash, so don't be harsh. I know I could've put Draco and Hermione together, but I wanted to be different. As usual. Anyway, this chapter ha no romance as of yet, but it will come! For now, settle with the humour. I don't know how long this will be, but updates will be less frequent as I still have to finish TBotE. I just needed to get this out of my head and on paper, errm Word.

One: This Could Potentially Be Described As A Very Bad Day

Draco Malfoy dragged himself to his next class. Today just had not been his day. All days were his days! But not today. Firstly, he had received a letter from his mother in which she hyperactively told him how the new House-Elf had taught her how to cook. Draco was rather happy for his mother now. This was all thanks to Potter who had killed Voldemort last year, and his father was now in house arrest, after having received the Kiss. So this gave his mother new freedom. Lately she had been a wee bit too hyper, the boy thought.

After that, he was late for Transfiguration, which earned him a glare from McGonagall, 5 points from Slytherin and some snickers from the Imbecilic Trio. Then, he remembered he didn't do his Arithmancy homework, thus another 20 points from Slytherin, and his bag had broken. His perfect leather bag was totally ruined.

Dragging his feet to the Potion class, he cursed his luck. Why did his Potion partner had to be Granger? He dropped on the chair with an oomph. Lazily, he took out his quills, parchment, and supplies. Wait. Where was his cauldron? Oh, crap. Yes, this was definitely not his day.

A smile crossed her lips when Malfoy dropped on the chair. Someone had woken on the wrong side of the bed. She resisted the urge to tease him, a hobby she had recently found, simply because he looked rather dangerous. Then he banged his head on the table.

"As much as I'm enjoying this, stop bashing your head on our table, you'll dirty it with blood. And you'll lose the last two neurons you have left." She said smirking silently.

"Fuck you." He muttered.

"You're getting better, Malfoy."

He just glared at her with pure hatred. Since when could Hermione Granger outdo him in the insulting area? And since when did she love teasing him? Nope, not his day at all.

Hermione snickered behind her hand. Teasing Malfoy was almost as good as reading Hogwarts: A History. He responded so easily. She had discovered this a year ago when she decided to answer fire with fire, and had seen Malfoy glare at her after a witty insult. Then the games had begun, and they bickered every day.

"Today we shall be making the Abeo Vultus Potion. Can anyone tell me what it is?" Snape voice snapped them out of their fight, both of them raising their hands high, as if they were competing to see who got higher.

"Mr. Zabini?" both groaned at having lost.

"It's allows you to see to your partner's eyes and feel through his heart, without changing your bodies like with the Polyjuice Potion. Plus it's made faster, and the effect vanishes faster as well." The raven-haired boy answered, half-smiling over to where Draco and Hermione sat.

"Correct. 10 points to Slytherin. Mr. Malfoy, could you please tell me how you could use this potion?"

He didn't expect that question. He didn't expect it, because he didn't know the answer. And Snape always put questions he could answer. Oh crap. "No sir, I'm afraid I can't."

"What?" the professor hissed. "Mr. Malfoy, I specifically asked for you to study this potion in advance."

"I didn't get to that point. Sir."

"Why, exactly haven't you, Mr. Malfoy?"

"Lots of homework?" he asked tentatively.

"I see. You mean that hard Arithmancy problem Professor Vector told me you didn't make?"

"With all due respect, sir. I don't see what this has to do with the first question."

"You're right, Mr. Malfoy. You don't know. 5 points from Slytherin. Now, who knows the uses of the potion?"

Draco swore under his breath. Now that Voldemort was dead, Snape no longer favoured Slytherins anymore, because no one was ordering him to do it. Thus the snarky git was now impartial to all houses. Bummer.

Hermione sat down satisfied that she had given a good answer. She looked at Malfoy, who was looking as though he was considering killing himself. Snape wrote the instructions on the board, and they begun.

"Where's your cauldron?" Hermione asked innocently.

"I forgot it. Look Granger today isn't my day. Cut me some slack, will you?"

"Not once in your life did you cut me some slack when I was down and having a rough day. Why on fucking hell would I do that? Let's get to work."

Draco mumbled a "Whatever" and started chopping spider's legs.

Hermione checked the potion. It was almost ready, it was red and it was rather good. All she needed to do was to stir five times clock wise. Of course Snape had to come and ruin their day yet again.

While Snape was interrogating Draco on why he didn't have his cauldron, Hermione stirred one too many times. Seven to be exact, but she did not notice. Not until Snape announced they'd be testing the potion as well. At first she noticed nothing, and neither did Draco who was rather good at Potions. They both gulped down their goblets. Blinked. Blinked twice, and thrice. Nothing.

"Nothings happening." Draco hissed.

"I've noticed. Look, there comes Snape, act like me, we can't let him give us detention."

"Well, how did it go? The colour seems right. Noticing any changes?" Snape asked looking at Hermione.

Hermione lifted her head high, and cockishly answered. "Of course. What did you expect, we were the ones who did it."

Draco put on a studious face. "I believe it worked rather well, Professor."

"Very well, you may leave the classroom. Class dismissed." While everybody left the room, Snape's eyes set down on Hermione and Draco. He sneered gleefully. This would be a year to remember.

"Phew, we made it. Snape didn't suspect one thing. Malfoy, I do not act that way by the way."

"Snape didn't suspect, so it must be that you do, in fact, act that way. But for your nformation, I'm not that cocky."

"No, and I'm Queen Elisabeth I." she sneered back sarcastically.

"Oh look, a lover's spat." A velvety voice came behind Hermione. A voice she knew too well.

"Hullo, Blaise. How nice to see you. Come on, let's head for the common room. I have a book I want you to lend me." Draco said cheerfully.

"Since when do you borrow my books. You said you don't like Shakespeare." Blaise replied, a gasp was heard from Hermione.

"You read Shakespeare, Zabini?" she asked, eyes like plates.

"Yes, yes, he does. Look Granger your attitude makes me want to read now, so I'll just take Blaise. And leave. Bye!"

Hermione sighed dreamily. Blaise Zabini, Slytherin's lonely rebel read William Shakespeare. Oh, she was in love. Her gaze dropped onto the floor, and she noticed Draco's quill. She really didn't want to return it, but the boy looked really helpless these last days. "Oh bugger." She grabbed the quill and ran over to the Slytherin dungeons.

"Where's the fire?" Zabini's voice caught her.

"Malfoy. Where's Malfoy?"

"In the Prefect's Bathroom. Say Granger, you aren't in love with him or anything, are you? Because it's hopeless!" he had to shout the last line, for Hermione was already heading for the bathroom.

She was in such a hurry, (she honestly didn't know why, it was just quill after all) that when she opened the door to the bathroom, it was being opened from the inside as well. Thus she collided with the person who was getting out.

She felt woozy. Her headache made her close her eyes. She opened them and saw...herself. In front of her. She looked at her hands. Those weren't her hands! Those were boy's hands! She brought a hair lib to her eye level. Blond. "Oh bugger."

They looked at each other. "Aaaaaaaaah!"

"Granger, what have you done to that potion, I'm, I'm, I'm YOU!" Draco said with a shocked expression.

"Being in your body isn't exactly a walk in the park for me either, Malfoy." she replied, making a sour face when one gold hair lib covered her eyes.

"Something must have happened to the potion we were making No wonder the effect didn't occur. We needed physical contact first."

"You make that sound as if we just screwed each other and now I'm you and you're me."

"Bad mental images. For your private information, Granger, I don't swing that way."

Hermione looked stricken, a grin forming at her, Malfoy's, oh goddamit, her lips.

"No! You're gay?" she laughed hard, finding it kind of strange to laugh with Malfoy's laugh, she never did hear him laugh after all. "Oh I pity those fangirls of yours. To think, Draco Malfoy is g-"

"Why don't you give a fucking announcement in the Daily Prophet! Okay, so I'm homosexual. So what? Half the school believes you're a lesbian, or at least bisexual."

"I am not a lesbian!"

"What about bisexual?" he asked wriggling his eyebrows.

"What are we going to do about this now." she asked, sitting on the bathroom's floor.

"You're ignoring the question. Granger, are you bisexual?"

"I could study it in the Library."

Draco started laughing.

"I meant the potion, Malfoy!"

"Fine, fine. But seriously. Are you?"

"My sexual preferences are none of your concern, gay-blond."

"Ah, I'm brunette now, you're the blond, remember? You are! Aren't you? It's why you're ignoring the question. Oh my God, Hermione Bookworm Granger is a bisexual!"

"Now listen here Malfoy, we do not talk about sexual preferences anymore. Case Closed."

"You could just answer, you know? No biggy."

"You saying no biggy has suddenly become my worst nightmare. The answer is that I don't know, okay?"

"Ah, so you're confused."

"Urgh, Malfoy, we're supposed to figure out a way to return to ourselves, and here we are talking about my confused sexual orientation. Please stop it." she asked warily.

"You know what you could do? You could try both, and stick with what you like best. Or with both!"

"Malfoy. Talk more about this and I'll personally torture you! End of discussion." She said pointing her wand at him.

"Fine, be an ignorant for ever. So, Mr. Malfoy, what do you propose?"

"You did not just address me like that. Oh, please pinch me; I have to escape this nightmare. OW! Malfoy!"

"What? You said pinch me." he asked innocently.

"It was an expression." she answered through gritted teeth.

"I think we should tell no body about this. Yes, we'll keep it a secret, and we'll figure it out ourselves."

"You mean...I have to act like you? I'm not trained to act like a pompous homosexual git."

"Well, I can't play a bookworm-ish sexually confused prissy, but I'll try!"

"Fine then. We'll keep up the act. And solve it TOGETHER! Don't for a moment think I'll do all the work."

"And never return to my body again? Of course not! I'll most surely help. No wait. Oh, you're in trouble."

"What? Why?"

"Zabini."

"What does HE have to do in this."

"Do you like him or something, Granger?" he asked looking at her suspiciously.

"What gave you that idea?"

"The way you said HE. Okay, back to point...do you?"

"Malfoy!"

"Sorry, sorry. The problem with Zabini is that he's very smart."

"I've noticed." She mumbled.

"Almost like you, but more pretty. He's bound to figure out you're not me, because we're really close."

Snort. Laughter. Cough.

"I meant as best friends! He's straight, if you must know. So watch out for him, try to ignore him, don't talk in his presence and what's most important, you do not flirt with him. I tried once and I got a black eye. Apparently he's in love with someone, and it's not a boy."

"Deal, so no talking, no flirting, no bonding."

"Bad thoughts. No wait. NICE thoughts."

"Fantasize later; I have to warn you about my friends. Rules: Don't insult them; they'll notice it's not me. Also, don't flirt with Ron, or I'll kill you."

"Why?"

"Apparently the boy has a thing for me, and well, if you flirt with him I'll never get him out of my hair."

Draco grinned ferociously.

"I mean it, Malfoy. Flirt with Ron, and you're a dead gay. Man."

"You're never going to let me live on that one, are you? Homophobic moron."

"I am not a homophobe! I'm bisexual for god sake!"

"AHA! I knew it! I knew it! I'm so smart. So SO smart. Okay, so. How did you realize that?"

"It was at my cousin's sweet 16, she had this really cool friend called Em--Why am I telling you this? Look, I'm still not sure about my, well you know, preferences, but when I will be, you'll be the first to know. But I'm not a homophobe. I just love teasing you. So then, it's settled. We play each other. Brilliant."

"What about flirting with Potter."

"I don't think he'd pay attention to you."

"Why, is he gay too, or something?"

"Whatever answer I'll give you, you'll consider it a yes, correct?" she asked tired.

"Course." He answered cheerfully, apparently all the gloominess from Potions gone.

"Right-o then. Well, we should head for our common Rooms now. The password to Gryffindor is 'Slytherin stink'."

"The password to Slytherin is 'Gryffindor stinks even more'."

"Who gives the passwords, anyway? Malfoy, one final warning. Do anything to ruin my reputation, i.e. wear sluttish clothes, and have no doubt that I'll come to class with a skirt and pink fingernails. For a week."

"We'll hopefully get rid f this within a week. Deal, no slutting you up. Well, good luck with the Slytherins, Granger."

"Yeah, whatever."

Hermione was walking towards the Slytherin common room when she realised one thing. She had no idea where they were. Yep, that was definitely not a good day.

E/N: Some BHr interaction, more will come. I really and truly hope you like this; tell me if I should continue. The story is humour for something, thanks very much! Please review, but don't expect updates so often I still have to finish my other story. Thanks a lot! Also, thanks to Eli, who was the first one to advise me to do this story, you're a doll, really you are.