Real World Hogwarts

Authors Note This is a script I wrote one day. I'm planning on making it into a film and putting it on but I'm not making any promises. This is rated PG13.

Cast

Harry Potter
Hermione Granger
Ron Weasley
Draco Malfoy
Ginny Weasley
Oliver Wood
Cho Chang
(And introducing) Marcus

Walk Ons
Guy#1
Guy#2
Block Partiers

Intro
(Camera shows a clip of them all doing stupid things; Hermione is gardening, Ron is reading a book by the fire, Oliver is jogging on the sidewalk, Ginny is playing the guitar, Malfoy is painting his nails black, Cho is playing with her cell phone, and Harry is briskly walking out of the bathroom.)

Hermione- This is the story of seven students

Ron- From Hogwarts

Oliver- Who are put in a house

Ginny- In a muggle community

Malfoy- Over spring break

Cho - To become close friends

Harry - (In an annoyed voice) Or maybe more... There, I said it, are you happy now?

Opening Scene-

(Hermione, Ron, and Cho are in the kitchen waiting for there breakfast to finish cooking)

Hermione- After we went to the dance club I went home to finish building that bird house in the back yard, and then I went to bed. How long did you guys stay out?

Ron- Hermione, you went home at four in the afternoon. We stayed out until three in the morning.

Cho- Yeah, we went to a gay-bar and everything.

Hermione- (Sort of jealous) Oh, well that sounds like fun.

Ron- Yeah, it was loads of fun. You should've been there. We even took Harry to a Strip Club.

Cho- You got a lap dance, didn't you, Ron?

Ron- Yeah... (He starts to day dream)

Hermione- Ugh! That's so gross! And you let this go on, Cho?

Cho- Yeah. It's not that bad, Hermione. You should come next time.

(The camera then cuts to Hermione in the Confessional.)

Hermione- I can't believe they would do such idiotic things. A STRIP CLUB? Come on! I don't care so much about Harry because that boy is a free spirit, but RON? And Ginny is UNDER-AGE! That was very poor judgment on Cho's part. Wait 'til Mrs. Weasley calls... I'll have some stories to tell her! (Evil Smile)

(We clip back to the kitchen. Ginny, Malfoy, and Oliver come in threw the back door with their brooms. They are sweaty, muddy, and out of breath.)

Cho- How was practice?

Malfoy- The All-Mighty-Holy-One fell of his broom.

Oliver- He's alright, but he started freaking out on us.

Ginny- Here he comes, brace yourselves.

(Harry kicks the door open.)

Harry- What's everyone looking at? ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT MY SCAR AGAIN?

Cho- No, Harry. Why don't you sit down? (She puts a hand on his shoulder, but he slaps it away.)

Harry- MY PARENTS DIED, YOU KNOW!

Ron- Yeah, bloke, we know. Now why don't you come here and let me give you this gorilla tranquilizer?

Hermione- RON!

Harry- I'M GOING TO MY ROOM. DON'T BOTHER ME. (He runs away like a girl)

Malfoy- Awe! Look at little Harry. He's so cool!

Oliver- Shut up Malfoy.

(Camera clips to Cho in the confessional)

Cho- Harry is a great guy, but he's not the best person to live with... Anyway... We all decided to go out again tonight because everyone had fun the last time, except Hermione. But I think, deep down, she wants to party. I'm pretty sure Ginny talked her into coming with us tonight. She'll have a great time.

(Camera shows them all in the car. Oliver is driving.)

Malfoy- Let's go to that gay-bar again.

Ron- Well the cats out of the bag now! Wait until your dad finds out that he has a flamer for a son!

Malfoy- Shut up you little git! If you say anything to anyone I will kill you all!

Hermione- We won't tell anyone. Right Ron?

Ron- Yeah, whatever... (He crosses his arms across his chest and slouches in his chair.)

Oliver- I say we go to that new sports bar.

Cho- Yeah, Let's go there!

Malfoy- Then the gay-bar?

Ginny- Yes, we'll go to your fag-bar, simmer down!

Harry- MY GOD FATHER DIED AND I'M REALLY PISSED OFF!

Oliver- Riiiiiight...

(We clip to Oliver in the confessional)

Oliver- Harry is really demanding and annoying. Don't get me wrong, he's a great seeker, but he's not a team player. I don't understand him, but no one understands a genius. Luckily everyone else in the house seems to get along nicely. Though, Hermione does get a little carried away with following the rules. She even went around to everyone in the car and made sure our seatbelts were on properly.

(We clip back to the parking lot outside the sports club. Harry and Ron are plastered and had started a fight with some locals who were flirting with Ginny and Cho. The rest of the gang is standing around the four in a circle.)

Harry- Come on, fight me you coward!

Ron- Yeah, do your worst!

Guy#1- Okay, brits, let's rumble!

Guy#2- Let's see what they taught you in Germany, or where ever your from.

Hermione- (Runs in front of Harry and Ron) No, let's just go home!

Oliver- Let 'em fight. They need to see what happens when they interfere with other peoples business.

Malfoy- Yeah, let's see some action!

Ginny- Harry, Ron, you don't have to fight to win me over. I already think you're both bonze!

(Clips to Ginny in the confessional)

Ginny- I like being in a house full of guys, I have been all my life. Malfoy is gay, but Oliver is hot, Harry is hot, Ron is hot... oh crap... can you edit that out?... Mom, if you're watching, that was a joke... Ha Ha... ugh... I need another drink.

(Camera shows the gang at home in the living room, (except Malfoy who will come in later.) Ron and Harry have black eyes, and Hermione is giving them a lecture.)

HermioneI have never been more disappointed in you two in all my life! I don't blame you, Harry. But RON! You have brothers! Haven't they taught you anything?

Ron- Fred and George taught me how to kill a goat without making a mess...

Ginny- They taught me that too!

Cho- Hermione, they've learned their lesson. Your lecturing isn't making them feel any better.

Hermione- Fine. I'll be upstairs. (She stomps away.)

Oliver- She's so... Motherly. (Makes a disgusted face.)

(Malfoy walks in with another gay guy.)

Malfoy- Guys, I want you to meet Marcus.

Ron- Who's this? You're gay lover?

Marcus- I'm not gay, but I am a professional hair stylist and make up artist. You've probable seen my work on a little show called Reno 911.

Ginny- You do the make up for the stars of Reno 911?

Marcus- Well, I do Trudy's make up, and once the director let me give him a bowl-cut.

Ron- (Sarcasm) Well that's very impressive...

Malfoy- (Gives Ron the finger) if you need us, we'll be in the hot tub

(Cuts to Ron in the confessional)

Ron- I don't really feel comfortable with poufs running around in the house. I mean Malfoy is enough; we don't need Marcus-the-Great. I'm not looking forward to talking to the neighbors tomorrow at the Block Party. I know I'll be the one who has to explain the noises coming from our hot tub last night. (To the camera guy: )Oh, should I say that now? (Into the camera:) When I star in Real World I always eat my Ramen Noodles. Mm Mm Ramen! Now in alligator and squid flavors.

(The next day in the driveway, everyone is waiting for Hermione.)

Ginny- What is taking so long? I could be practicing Quidditch right now.

Oliver- Thanks for reminding me. I'll take our brooms incase we want to play a game or two at the party. (Oliver runs to get the brooms out of the garage.)

Ron- If she doesn't come in five seconds we're leaving without her.

Cho- Here she comes.

(Hermione runs out of the house with a casserole and a Tupper-wear of brownies.)

Hermione- Sorry, I was baking.

Malfoy- Well that's just perfect because now we're gonna be late. The mud-bloods will probably throw rocks at us or something.

Hermione- I'm sorry, I was just trying to help... (She starts bawling)

Ginny- Nice going, Malfoy. Besides there people, not Cavemen. If they were going to torture us they would shove bamboo sticks under our fingernails, everyone knows that.

Harry- Let's just go already, before I change my mind!

(They all start stretching as if they were getting ready for a long hike, then they walk into the next-door neighbors back yard.)

(Cuts to Malfoy in the Confessional)

Malfoy- I just wanted everyone to know that Marcus and I are not lovers. In fact I am not gay at all. (Marcus, who is wearing a feathery, pink night-gown, walks in behind Malfoy)

Marcus- I just bought some awesome facial scrub. Wanna try it out, Mall-i-poo?

Malfoy- (To Marcus:) Sure, I'll be there in a minute. (Back to camera:) Like I was saying... that whole thing was fake. And then we went to a bloke party and Harry got mad and stuff. (He starts to stand up) Marcus! I'm ready!

(At the block party; Everyone except Hermione is playing Quidditch. Hermione is making friendly conversation with some of the neighbors.)

Oliver- Ginny! I'm open!

Ginny- Okay! Heads up! (Ginny throws it to Oliver)

Cho- Ron, block him! (Ron goes after Oliver, but Oliver hands it to Malfoy)

Harry- SOMEONE GIVE ME THE BALL!

Malfoy- Fine, go fetch! (He throws it and Harry dives. Then Harry falls of his broom. Everyone rushes over to see if he is okay.)

Ginny- Harry!

Cho- How many fingers am I holding up?

Oliver- Mate, can you breathe?

Harry- JUST GET AWAY! (He stands up and starts yelling) ALL MY LIFE NO ONE HAS UNDERSTOOD ME BECAUSE I AM DIFFERENT. MY GODFATHER DIED AND I'VE GONE THREW A LOT MORE SHIT THAN YOU EVER WILL! NOW I WANT TO PLAY A GAME OF QUIDDITCH AND YOUR ALL FLIRTING AND HUGGING EACH OTHER. (Everyone walks away, but Hermione who stays and listens.) AND MY SCAR STARTS TO BURN AND I FEEL LIKE I'M POSSESSED.

Hermione- Are you going to be okay?

Harry- MY PARENTS ARE DEAD, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Hermione- Come on, let's go home. Someone needs a nap. (She puts her arm around his shoulders and they walk back to their house.)

(Cuts to Harry in the confessional)

Harry- I just want to say that sometimes I feel like I hate everyone, and then I go and visit Hagrid and he makes it all better. But I'm still pissed off. I can't stand anyone. I got really mad at Cho the other day for using my bubble-gum toothpaste so I strangle her owl. I mean, you should try and live in a house with your worst enemies. Property is everything. I saw one of the neighbors' kids laughing at me at the block party, so I sold him to a Norwegian couple over the internet. Oliver keeps shoving sports magazines under my bedroom door and it's getting annoying, so I started shoving parking tickets I haven't paid under his door to see how he likes it. (The camera fades out before he is done talking.)

The End