.:Thursday:.
Helping People Day
A/N: There is a problem with the Wednesday chapter, so I'll get it up soon, I apologize.
Today is 'Help People Day' – can you BELIEVE those humans, making such a stupid holiday? People are giving out free slices of meat, giving their neighbors burnt fruitcakes, and singing the horrible 'Helping Song'.
If I write it down, maybe it won't be stuck in my head anymore…
Chorus:
O helping, O helping, help, help, helping,
O helping, O helping, help, help, helping,
Heeeellllpiiiing!
Song:
Chorus
Help old grandma cross th' street
Buy cookies from ev'ry boyscout y'meet!
Be nice and courteous, spiffy and neat
Give out large gen'rous mounds of meat!
Chorus
Tread carefully 'round the bus
Do not swear or god forbid cuss!
Be friendly and nice and do discuss
For simple things and big, don't go round and fuss
Chorus
No one is wrong and all is right
No fights, arguments, or even a bite!
To all far away relatives, letters please write
Play together, have none labeled as an 'oversight'
Chorus
Buy cookies from ev'ry boyscout y'meet!
Do not swear or god forbid cuss!
No one is wrong and all is right
No fights, arguments, or even a bite!
Horrid little song! Some of the lines don't even make sense! I shudder even now!
Anyways, Vincent was stuck helping people today. I LAUGH AT HIM! HAHAHAHAHAAA! AHAHAHAHAA!
First, he tried crossing a sickly old lady across the ten-landed rush today, at the crossroads fondly dubbed "Suicide Street". He approached her slowly, and put on his least spooky appearance.
"Do you need help crossing the street?" Vincent politely asked (Hate that word! Poh-liiiiiite my ass!)
"NEEW THANKYEH! AH THINK AH CIN CROSS MAHSELF, YEW LEEIL (little) PEHVERT! STOP STALKIN' MEH! YEEEW AIN'T GONNA STEEL MAH RETAHREMENT MUNEY! AHM'S A GONNA CALL THEM COPPERS ON YOU, LADDY BOY! AH DON' NEED NO CREEPY SPOOK-MAN'S HILP TAH DEW A SEEMPIL STREET-CROSSIN' 'CROSS A DIRT ROAD, THANKYEH VERRRY MOOCH! AYE, GIT AWAY WID YE, GIT AWAY!" Yes, the broad was a Southern girl from Mideel (Hojo says it's Scottchish or something…).
"YEW WATCH MEH! AH'LL CROSS ME'SELF 'CROSS THIS TINY OL' PATCH O' DIRT! YEW SHUDDA SEEN THA ROADS EEN THE OLDEN DAYS… AYE, THE OLDEN DAYS WHEN A LAYDY WUZ A LAYDY, AND A LAYDY WUZZN'T SUMTHIN' TA STEEL FRUM! AYE, THEM COPPERS, THEY'S A-GONNA GIT YEH GOOD FER MOLISTASHUN, SEXA'WUL MOLISTAYSHUN, HARESSMENT, SEXA'WUL HARESSMENT, THEEFT, SEXA'WUL THEEFT, ROBB'RY, SEXA'WUL ROBB'RY, GRAN' ROBB'RY, SEXA'WUL GRAN' ROBB'RY, PERVERTNESS, SEXA'WUL PERVERTNESS, STAWKIN', SEXA'WUL STAWKIN', BEIN' A SMART ESS (ass), AN' FER BE-IN' ANNOYIN' LIKE A GRIT OL' MONSTAH! AY, A GRIIIT MONSTAH!" The old lady shook her cane at us, and I laughed inwardly.
"Okay, I was just trying to be of help. I'll be on my way now… um… 'Happy Helping and Sunny Day'?..."
"HITTIN' AN' SUM RUNNIN', AYE? AH KNEW YER PLAN NOW, LASSIE BOY! YEW PLAN T' PRETEND T' WALK AWEH, AN' THEN YEH'LL HIT MEH AND RUN AWEH WID MAH RETAHREMENT MUNEY! AH'M A CALLIN' THEM COPPER BOYS WID MAH NEW-FANGLED SILL PHONE, LASSIE BOY! THIS'LL BE TH' LAST TIME YEW SMUGGLE AN' RAPE A POOR, DEFENSELISS LASSIE LIKE MAHSELF, YEW GRIT PERVERT-MONSTAH-SPOOK-MAN, YEW…!
The sickly old lady tries to dial the police. "821…? OR IS EET 003? AH DON'T RAMEMBER, PROBABLY ON ACCOUNT OF YER RAPIN' OF MEH, LASSIE BOY! CALL THEM COPPERS NOW, AN' TELL THEM T' CUM RIGHT AWEH HERE, ON ACCOUNT OF AN OLD LAYDY WHAT BEEN RAPED, MOLESTED, STAWKED, ANNOYED, AND SEXA'WULLY ASSALTED! AYE, DIAL AWEH NOW, LIKE A GUDD BOY!"
The lady thrusts the cell phone at Vincent. He sighs, and dials 9-1-1. (What a stupid number! I'd have everyone call 4-3-5-5, standing for H-E-L-L! I'm a genious!) "Hello? Uh yes, I'd like to report an old lady, being… raped, molested, stalked, annoyed, and sexually assaulted. The man? Oh… he is about 7 feet tall, and wears a lot of red. Everyone… sigh everyone says that he's a… twitch vampire. Oh… uh, you're welcome… okay… bye."
Oh how hilarious, Vincent giving out his profile and turning himself in. I laughed so hard, I was split into 18 parts!
"AH'M GUNNA WAIT ON' TH' OTHA SIDE OF THIS HEAH TINY PATCH O' DIRT, ON ACCOUNT O' YER HISTORY OF MURDER AND MUTILASHUN!" The old lady hits Vincent on the head with her cane.
Vincent sighed, knowing that she was making it up. As the sickly old lady started to cross the street, she fell over, having a seizure. Vincent didn't see, thank the devil, but he did hear the loud splat, the crunch – oh and the snapping, the WONDERFUL SNAPPING – the screams, screeches, shouts, and shrieks. Yeah, the broad got ran over by a garbage truck.
And then, for some reason, just like in the song, millions of boyscouts flocked to Vincent.
"WANNA BUY COOKIES?!"
"MOLLY IS MURDERED MUFFINS, MM-MM MAAAAHVELOUS!"
"CHOC'LIT CHIP COOKIES – NICE 'N' CRUNCHY!"
"YOU'LL BUY COOKIES?! MONEY GOES TO THOSE POOR ORPHANS THAT DIE EVERY SECOND! EVERY SECOND THEY DIE, UNLESS YOU BUY HUNDRED OF COOKIES!!!"
"I…" Vincent started to say. But I, the demonic devil I am, took over – he couldn't prevent it, overwhelmed by fat pudgy kids he was.
"I don't need any damn cookies! Gimme some MEAT! BOYSCOUT MEAT!" I waved Vincent's claw arm threateningly, and made the slightest transformation of Vincent's body. With his scream of unbearable agony fueling me, I made Chaos Horns© come out of his head – all the kids ran screaming as blood flowed down Vincent's hair. He came back in control, and his eyes were wide-open with shock and agony as the horns grew back in his head.
All the happy music stopped then.
The 'Helping Song' hung in limbo, suspended on the last line sung, "Be nice and courteous, spiffy and neat"
Grandmas stopped where they were, and were ahem 'accidentally' ran over by 'unaware drivers observing Vincent', who just happened to be their son-in-laws.
Mounds of smelly meat dropped from the hands of civilians, to be flocked on by pigeons that stared at Vincent.
And playing stopped.
All the grownups looked from the bloody and shaking Vincent, over to the shivering and fearful, innocent boyscout. They growled, hissed, roared, trumpeted, baaed, croaked, shrieked, rumbled, grumbled - and made cicada noises – as they took out pitchforks and flamed torches.
Then the parents chased Vincent home, stabbing him. Black Mage was there… shout-chanting 'STABBITY DOOM! STABBITY DOOM!"
Vincent let them stab him frequently, 'repenting' for scaring the hell out of those boy scouts, that is, until I cam out and gobbled the townsfolk aaaaaaall up, like sheep.
Sheep taste good, you know!
-Demon Chaos
(I do not own FF7 or any of its characters – Please Review! )