Life After Death
NOTE: I don't own LOTR or any of the characters.
It's been a while but I'm back from vacation, exams, and writer's block. This chapter was by far one of the hardest things I have EVER had to write, but now it is over with.
It was cool; it was rather cool all around me now that I think about it. Normally this strange cool sensation that I felt against my exposed skin would not have bothered me for I would have thought that I was only dreaming. Unfortunately, I was not dreaming but rather on that borderline between the dream world and the waking world.
I wish that I had not been on that borderline considering the fact that I had been experiencing a lovely dream. I could not recall the dream itself but I do know that I dreamt of my parents, Éomer, and…Théodred… Anyways, it had been a calming sort of dream but I still wish that I could remember what happened in it.
Moving my head a bit I felt my cheek nuzzle against something cold and my first thought was the wood from the chair, but I'm not sleeping in the chair, I realized.
Opening my eyes I found myself starring at the blue-purple tainted skin that belonged to a corpse. Théodred…? I silently questioned as I slowly propped myself up a bit with my elbow.
If you have ever seen a young child sleep at night then you know the face that I saw before me was identical to that; Théodred looked just like a sleeping child. There was that look of complete vulnerability and innocence to him that I know he did not show even though he did possess this sort of naïve-innocence about him in certain situations, I should know since I put him in some of those situations.
Anyways, I should never have dwelled on such memories since right before laid my cousin with that corpse taint about him. Not wanting to leap to conclusions despite what the physical evidence all pointed to, I placed my hand over his mouth and nose. There was no breath…
"No," my mind and my mouth both whispered jointly. "Please Théodred, you cannot leave me."
Grabbing his shoulders I shook him not so gently, no one could dare hope to wake Théodred by shaking him gently since he slept deeply unlike Éomer who slept so lightly that I could wake by merely playing with the ends of his hair. The shaking did not help though and Théodred fell limply back onto the bed.
"Please Théodred; do not do this to me, not when I need you most!" I implored. My family can vouch for me when I say that I never reduce myself to begging, to anything, but now I found myself doing just that to my cousin's lifeless form.
Since my begging was having no effect upon him, I kissed him gently on his cold lips in the very naïve attempt to somehow revive him to the world of the living instead of the dead. As I said, it was a naïve attempt and it just opened my eyes to the truth that I refused to accept until that moment.
With the full realization dawning on me, I backed away from Théodred's body and fell off the bed. I am not certain how long I sat on the floor with my thoughts but I was snapped out of my daze by the knock at the door.
Wobblingly I got to my feet and approached the door, the entire time I starred at Théodred's corpse and the denial began to creep into my head again. I wish that I could have embraced the denial and make myself believe that he was not dead, but I had to handle the cold hard truth no matter how much it may hurt emotionally.
Grabbing the knob, I took a deep breath before flinging the door open. On the other side stood Háma, his hand up ready to knock on the door again.
I have seen some real emotionally scared people in the past when they first lose a loved one; they usually pale, get this sort of hysteric-denial expression in their eyes, and appear to have left their bodies without a soul. I believe that is how Háma saw me.
"My Lady," he spoke gently but I could see that look of pity creeping into his features as he mentally pieced together the events. "I…"
"My cousin is dead Háma; could you make that announcement everyone else? I will inform my uncle myself," I interrupted him. I did not want him to say that Théodred was dead, yet it stung for me just tell him so. There was nothing I wanted more than to have my cousin back and in good health, I wanted that but it was the impossible wish!
"It shall be done," he nodded, placing a hand on my shoulder and giving it a squeeze.
I wanted nothing more than to melt and become one with the floor, anything just to avoid the tinge of pity that I knew I would receive soon. Thankfully Háma was not one of those people to offer me pity, but rather the sympathy of losing someone close.
Háma had left me alone to my own thoughts and I had not taken notice of it until I suddenly felt someone leading me by the hand to my chambers. It was my hand-maiden.
I could have chuckled at myself in irony for only Háma would call my hand-maiden to care for me while my mind was deep in thought. He is such a good man and my hand-maiden is such a good girl, what would I have done without them?
"My Lady?" she spoke, holding the door open to let me into my chambers.
Numbly I entered my room and glanced around the room at all the objects there. So many memories filled this room, which may strike some people as odd but Théodred, Éomer, and I would often hide in each others' rooms if we did not wish to be found…My cousin always hid under my bed, so it was no difficult task to find him.
My heart must not have been able to take the memory, and I do not believe that my mind was ready to recall the good and bad times with Théodred. There was that strong painful emptiness that had devoured me somehow and it seemed to have affected me physically since my hand-maiden sat me on my bed and knelt before me.
She stared into my face as though searching for something, most likely some sort of comforting sign to tell her that I was not lost to her; not yet at least. Unfortunately, she never found what she had been looking for and I regret that I had not forced a smile of some sort.
"Why?" I muttered breathlessly. Had I been holding my breath? I believe I had.
"I do not know my Lady," she whispered back, stroking my hand with her thumb. "I cannot offer you any words of comfort for I know you will not accept them, but at least accept my assistance and worry for you."
She is worried about me? I thought looking up into her eyes.
I do not know exactly what form of fear washed over me but I do know that I was terrified. If my hand-maiden was worried about me then so might be Háma, and after Háma informs all of Edoras of what has taken place then everyone else may worry for me as well. I cannot let them worry over me, I am the King's niece and I am supposed to be strong for those people who cannot be.
I must be strong for my people, I told myself, sobering. "I appreciate your concern but do not worry for I will be fine," I assured the girl and she eyed me skeptically, not that I blame her.
"All is well then?" she inquired cautiously as though afraid that I may suddenly become distant again.
"All is well," I nodded and gave her a small smile. Her genuine concern was really moving and I am still a bit stunned by it, I never would have thought that so many people outside my kin would care for me.
"If you say so," my hand-maiden sighed and got up to get me a black dress to signify mourning.
Looking down at my hands for a moment I glanced over to the window, as though remembering something, and stared at my mother's wedding dress. It was to be the same dress I would have worn at Théodred's and my wedding…that was now never to be.
There was nothing truly extravagant about the dress really; my mother, my uncle told me once, liked things simple as to not truly boast to others of her higher status in life. I too have followed that for sometime but once in a while, as with my green dress, I like to dress a bit more elegantly than normal.
"My Lady," my hand-maiden called out to me as she held out the black dress.
Black, black for mourning the loss of someone…but Théodred was not just anyone; he was my cousin, my brother, and my husband in his own right and he deserved more than for me to just wear the usual black dress of mourning. No, he deserved more!
I shook my head at the dress before me. "No, that is no way for a bride to honor her departed husband," I stated aloud.
"My Lady?" I must have confused the poor girl.
"He was to be my husband and I his wife, a mere black dress is no way to mourn the loss of a loved one that was to be married," I explained quietly, gazing over to my wedding dress.
She followed my gaze to the dress and she must have understood my silent message for she laid down the black dress beside me then went to retrieve my wedding dress from its respected place.
"Come my Lady," she instructed to me while holding out the dress. "If you are going to mourn our loss in the way you feel fit then you must look the part of the bride you were to be."
Getting up I went to her and this time I made no argument in allowing her to dress me, though I suppose I should have for the snort that I heard when she saw the pants I was wearing.
"Never truly dressing the part," she commented, pulling my wedding dress down over my head and letting it drop to my feet.
She had not removed my pants for the possible reason that she felt that I wished to continue wearing something of Théodred's but I felt, exactly how she worded the statement, that I must look the part of the bride I was to be. I took off Théodred's pants, folded them, and set them on my bed beside the black dress.
I could barely see my hand-maiden's approving smile at my action.
"May I make a suggestion, my Lady?" she questioned.
"I have never stopped you before so why should I now?" I told her with a half smile tugging at my lips.
"Leave your hair down today, do not bind it at all and just leave it free for once," she requested, her hands twisting behind her back.
"It shall be done then," I promised. "You had better dress yourself." My hand-maiden had not had the time to change into her mourning garbs since she had to attend to me first.
"Thank you my Lady," she bowed before leaving.
I combed hair more thoroughly than normal and did as I promised, I left my hair down and unbound by any means. Sizing myself in the one mirror in my room and sighed at the image; a pale girl with long hair in a wedding dress and saddened eyes that were filled with unshed tears.
"I must tell my Uncle personally," I mumbled to myself. I knew I had to do so but I dreaded to bring such ill tidings to my Uncle's ears, whether he heard me or not.