Shades of Hope – Chapter 4
RedDisclaimer: These characters belong to Amy Sherman-Palladino. I'm merely frolicking around in her brain. Wow – she's got some dirty thoughts in here! Kidding. ;)
Spoilers: Through episode 5.14, 'Say Something.'
Luke is at the bottom of the steps of the Gilmore household. While he isn't sure how he ended up here, he also isn't surprised. The sky is beginning to lighten and he knows he should let her sleep, but he just can't. Instead, he slowly walks onto the porch and stands in front of the door, waiting for courage or even madness to grip him. He takes a tentative step toward the door and stops as dirt crunches beneath the soles of his boots. This is stupid. He should leave. But then he remembers the green sweater that, during his wandering, he has thrown over his shoulder. He has to do this. Sleep be damned, everything be damned! He's going to do this.
He knocks.
It's a light tap against the door at first. Luke's sure she hasn't heard it. She can sleep through a lot. Besides, her room's all the way upstairs. Taking a deep breath, Luke knocks again, louder, this time. He receives no answer. He's getting impatient at his own reluctance now, so he begins to bang on the door incessantly. He's pretty sure he's going to not only wake Lorelai, but Babette as well; but, for once, he doesn't care that he might make this week's gossip headlines. All he cares about is Lorelai waking up and opening her goddamn door!
He knocks harder.
Leaning in closely to the door, he hears the sounds of feet banging against the stairs and some mumbling from inside that sounds something like, "What the hell?" Then, he hears a bang against the door and he assumes Lorelai has fallen into it. He shakes his head. She begins to turn the lock and opens the door. He's surprised to see she's still wearing her clothes from the night before, although her messy hair and staggering prove that she was, in fact, asleep. Her eyes widen when she sees him, and she covers her mouth with her hand.
"Oh my God, Luke! What happened to you!"
"I –" he glances down, as if he's just realizing for the first time that he's injured. "I'm fine."
"You're not fine! You're bloody and – oh my God!" She's pale and visibly shaking, and she steps outside. "How long have you been outside in short sleeves? Come on, get inside!" Before he can argue, Lorelai pulls him in by his shoulder and he winces from the contact. He stumbles the rest of the way and Lorelai lets go quickly, looking sheepish. Once she recovers, she places her hands on her hips. "What happened, Luke?"
"Nothing." She raises her eyebrows. "I dropped the television." He paused. "I was moving it."
"But actually, you…" she prompts.
"No, really."
"No, really you…"
He sighed and looked down at his hands. He began to realize just how bad his cuts were. "God. I might have smashed the TV a little bit." She raises her eyebrows again. "I took a baseball bat and destroyed the god damn thing, okay!"
"Why?" she asks quietly.
"Because I'd gotten it for you."
She pauses. "Oh."
He shuffles uncomfortably for a few moments, as she processes everything. "Oh, um, I brought back your sweater. You left it," he holds it out to her and she recoils slightly at the sight of his blood on her shirt. "Uh, I guess you don't really want it right now. Sorry about that. I'll get it dry-cleaned for you."
She nods and replies quietly, "They're gonna think you murdered me."
He smiles slightly at that comment. "Right." An awkward silence falls upon them. "I should probably go…"
Lorelai seems to snap out of her reverie at this comment and shakes her head vigorously. "I'm taking you to the hospital."
"Ah jeeze, Lorelai, that's not nec –" he pauses and watches her go into the closet. "What are you doing?"
"Here, take this." She hands him a blanket. "Cover yourself; it's cold. Plus, I don't want you getting blood all over my car. Come on." Before he can argue, she heads out the door. He watches her leave until she turns around and repeats, "Come on!" He sighs and walks outside, closing the door behind himself and leaving her sweater draped over his shoulder.
The ride to the hospital is uneventful. Aside from stealing glances at each other when the other isn't looking, they sit in complete silence. The ride feels much longer than usual. Although this is partially due to the silence, it's mostly because the pain from his wounds is starting to become very real. He shifts in his seat with discomfort. Lorelai glances at him with a sympathetic frown on her face, but says nothing.
When they finally arrive at the hospital, Lorelai checks Luke in, as he stands behind her, feeling small and awkward. He then gets his wounds cleaned and the doctor gives him stitches. He's only had stitches once before, and it was when he was really young. He remembers how his mother sat in the room with him and stroked his cheek. This is nothing like that visit. He hates the hospital now. It's cold, bleak, and unwelcoming; yet, somehow, it feels all too familiar. He shudders as he pulls on his jeans, and is about to put on his shirt when there's a knock on the door. He pauses as the door opens and Lorelai enters. She looks uncharacteristically solemn as she hands him a new tee shirt and flannel to go on top of it. He takes the clothes and looks at her skeptically, before carefully pulling his arms through the sleeves of the shirts. When he's dressed, she's still there, watching him. He suddenly feels very exposed, despite the fact that he's now fully clothed.
"You didn't have to stay."
"I know."
He pauses and looks down. "Thanks. And thanks for getting my clothes."
She nods. "I needed to go back and return your key, anyway." He gives her a puzzled look and she blushes slightly. "I kinda took it by mistake last night. I wasn't really thinking clearly. Sorry about that."
"It's all right."
"Uh, we should probably get back."
"Right." She begins to walk out, but she stops when he says her name. "I just… thanks," he says meekly.
She smiles. "You said that already."
"I know, but I needed to say it again. You shouldn't have done all this. I don't deserve –"
"No, Luke. Don't do this." She sighs and moves closer to him. "I can't even count the amount of times you've done things like this for me. You were always there for me – whether we were friends, dating, or fighting… I'm only repaying you for eight years of being at my side."
He smiles demurely, but quickly looks away when Lorelai gives him an amused look. "It's just – I know you're mad at me and –"
"Hey," she said kindly, "fights happen."
"Yeah," he repeats, "fights happen."
She looks at him curiously as he begins to walk out of the room. After a moment, she follows him, still looking slightly puzzled, but says nothing more. The drive home is just as silent as it was going to the hospital, and neither makes any attempt to speak. Lorelai stops the car in front of the diner. Luke gets out and turns to leave. However, he leans back down and says, "How about some coffee?" Lorelai looks dubious. "It's on the house."
She cocks her head to the side and side and smiles slightly. "Well… as long as it's free…"
He smiles back at her and unlocks the door of the diner as she turns off the ignition and climbs out of the car. She enters and looks around the room cautiously, before sitting down on a stool a few feet away from where he's standing behind the counter. He begins to wipe down the counter and Lorelai plays with a sugar packet as they wait for the coffee. When the light on the machine flickers off, Luke picks up the pot and fills a blue mug with coffee before handing it to her. She smiles gratefully and takes a sniff, before blowing on the hot coffee and taking a tentative sip. Her eyes shut in ecstasy as she gulps down the coffee. He can't help but watch her; he's always loved to watch her drink coffee. It's endearing to see her so passionate about something. She glances up at him and he quickly turns away and wipes down the counter again.
Slowly, people begin to trickle into the diner. Kirk does a double take when he sees Lorelai sitting at the counter. He questions Luke with his eyes, but Luke gives him a nasty look in return that screams 'mind your own business or suffer a painful death, Kirk.' Kirk sighs and slumps down at a table instead. Luke grabs the coffee pot and is about to go over to Kirk and pour him coffee, when Lorelai looks up at him and says, "I thought you had tried to kill yourself."
Luke puts down the coffee pot as his jaw drops. "What?"
"When you came to my door earlier… I thought you had tried to kill yourself." She looks down at her empty coffee mug. "I guess it was a stupid thing to think, but I thought it nonetheless. I mean, you were all bloody and I couldn't tell exactly where you were bleeding from and you just showed up, freezing and bleeding and just looking like death. I was scared, Luke. I was really scared."
"I didn't realize…"
She nods. "I know. Just the thought of losing you… God. Don't ever do something like that again, okay?" She smiles up at him, but she cannot stop the tears from falling.
Luke leans in closer to her. "I'm so sorry, Lorelai."
"Don't."
"It's just… I was angry and hurt and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where else to go."
"I'm glad you could come to me. I want us to be friends again… I mean, I guess not right away, since that's unlikely, but you know… eventually."
He swallowed painfully. "I want that, too."
"I don't know why this all happened. I don't know what's going on in your head, and, even though I have a feeling it's a lot less twilight zone-esque than mine, I wish you would tell me…" He nods. "When you're ready."
He picks up the rag and begins to wipe down the counter again, although he knows it doesn't need to be cleaned again. "I don't deserve you."
Lorelai sighs. "Oh Hon, is this because of what my mom did, because -?"
"No. Well, not really. I've felt that way for a while. It just kind of made it all more… real, you know?"
"Yeah, I understand. But you should have told me right away."
"I knew you'd deny it."
"But it's not true."
"You may think that now..."
"No! No, Luke. I don't need some rich guy who's read Chaucer and owns his own law firm and tuxedo! I don't want that, Luke. I ran away from that life when I was 16 to get away from that stuff. It's not me. You are what I want. I'd take hanging out in the diner and playing blackjack with you over a fancy party with champagne and caviar any day. You have to believe me."
"I want to, but –"
"Luke," she says forcefully, "It's been almost a month and I still can't live my life like normal. I'm lost without you. I'm not blaming you… or myself, for that matter, but I'm telling you that I can't go on like this, especially if the reason is what you say it is, which just isn't true." She pauses. "I'm not making much sense, am I?"
"When do you ever?" he teases lightly and she grins at him.
"So…"
"I'm lost without you, too."
She gestures to his arms. "I kind of figured that."
"Yeah…"
They look up at the same time and lock eyes. This is the first time they've looked each other eye to eye like this since they broke up. Suddenly, he realizes that all of the anger he felt before is gone. Maybe he needed that fight to get it out of his system, and he thinks that, perhaps, it is the same for Lorelai, because she seems anything but angry now. In fact, Luke feels overwhelmed by the genuine intensity behind her gaze. How has he never noticed it before? She smiles at him, a teasing smile, and leans in before saying, "I think you're blushing."
"No," he replies, but he's smiling, too.
"So…" Lorelai looks away, half of a smile still present on her face. "What now?"
He leans forward against the counter, wincing slightly as his wounded arms rest against it, and gently presses his lips against hers. He feels her smile widen once again, and he takes that as an invitation to deepen the kiss, cradling her head in his hands to bring her closer to him. He breaks the kiss, but only moves his lips a few inches from hers. They lock eyes again and he shivers at the overwhelming sensation of her warm breath against his skin.
"You have to know something; I'm all in," she whispers against his lips. "I know it now because I never left."
He smiles in reply, before leaning in closer for another kiss. "I know."
Fin
Author's Notes: Well, that's a wrap, kids. Thanks for reading and reviewing! It's meant a lot to me. I really hope you enjoyed this mini-series. Keep your eyes peeled for a bigger series from me sometime in the near future. :D