Desires

I desired one man my entire life. Since I was little, my life seemed to be focused on being with him. We were together for so long, I knew how to love no one else. He was everything I saw in myself. He was strong, he was powerful, and he had the money, the status.

Suddenly, I didn't just fall in love with the money, the power. I fell in love with him the being. He knew how to calm me during the storm, he knew how to love me for who I was. He was so perfect, and yet, I failed him in so many ways.

My biggest desire for him became my biggest downfall. You see, he met another woman. She was beautiful, she was shy, and she was longing for him. I saw her as the competition. She desired what I had. I couldn't let her win.

I did everything I could to win him back to me. I tricked him, I played with her mind. I stooped so low, and yet, it seems to have gotten me no where.

I listened to other people, and I did stupid mistakes. I took away their child. A child I thought to be mine, but now realize, she never was. Just like I realize that he was never mine. I never gave up on him, however, because I wanted to win.

I was Gwen Hotchkiss, after all. I couldn't let a middle class woman take the man I was set to be with away from me. I fought battle for battle. In the end, however, I realize now that my battles weren't meant to be won.

How could I stand in the way of someone being truly happy? Sure, I knew Ethan loved Theresa. But, I knew he loved me too. I lacked trust in our relationship. I was so insecure. I was foolish enough to choose that Ethan date both of us to see who he wanted more. He picked Theresa, he picked me. It was a never ending tug of war.

I won and I lost. I came and I saw. I have moved on, I have moved away from harm, away from life. I deserve to be here in my solitary ways. I caused everyone so much pain. I stole, I yearned, I kidnapped, I attempted murder. I was delusional, I realize that now. I hurt so many people that I loved. How could my life have been so turned upside down?

It would be bold of me to name off every person that hurt me, but in the end, there's only one person to blame, and I stare at that person everyday in the mirror. She is my worst enemy, and yet she is who I am on a daily basis.

If there has been one thing I have learned in my life it's that desires aren't always what they appear to be. I desired for love, and instead, I got burned. Sure, maybe I'll love again, but for now, I live the solitary life, and find that my own faults, my own comforts, are better off discovered by myself than others.

The End