Painful Truths
Chapter 1
They'd danced around it for so long, but it was time. They both knew it. That Saturday was the night of Kim's twenty-first birthday, time for her first legal drink, but Jack knew she'd long before imbibed, though he'd never let on. There'd been no need to do it, there'd been so many other things to adjust to, to cope with, to face.
They'd made their peace before this, on the surface at least, after Teri's death, Jack's withdrawal, Kim's inability to face him, her coming to grips with her need for self-imposed isolation from him, her sudden maturity when she knew she would lose him, believing she had lost him, her realization then of her desperate need for him, her sole surviving parent. Her love for him.
She knew that he had never stopped loving her, despite her rejection of him, despite his desperate need for her understanding and support since that terrible day, which she'd failed, refused, to give him. Her mother had not told her that her father had withdrawn from her, that he had hidden his demons from her, but had said only that she should have been more patient. She had made it sound like their problems hadn't been overwhelming, and she wondered why her mother hadn't insisted that he stay. She had always wondered why her mother had let him leave, if she truly loved him, but she was glad that she had let him move back in, Kim had missed him so. That day she had seen her mother's love for her, and she had begun to understand that there must have been two sides to their separation, but she had never had a chance to learn what they were. She had learned of her mother's pregnancy even before her father did, of her mom's fears, but she never knew of Jack's reaction, because there hadn't been time before Nina killed her. So many things that were still secret, because they were so very painful, too wrenching to bring up.
But it was finally time. Kim watched Jack as he sat on the deck of the house they shared, the one her dad had bought after her mom died, before she took the job with the Matheson's, and he stared out over the valley, towards the sunset, the smog obscuring the view of the Pacific in the far distance, but he wouldn't have seen it anyway, for he was lost in thought, thoughts Kim could only begin to imagine. She opened the screen door, carrying two beers, and handed one to Jack before she settled on the lounge next to his. It was time.
"Dad," she started, determined not to let the hesitation show in her voice. "Dad, we have to talk. I have to know."
Jack knew what she meant, but he continued to stare ahead. He couldn't face what was coming, but he wasn't surprised. It was inevitable, and somehow he knew it would be that night, although nothing Kim had done or said had given it away. He'd just known it was coming.
"Where do you want to start, Kim?" he asked gently, resigned to it, knowing he had to do this, for both their sakes.
"What happened?"
"I went on a mission. The mission was to take out Victor Drazen. Somehow he survived, and his wife and daughter were killed. He and his sons wanted payback for the deaths of Drazen's wife and daughter. They went after President Palmer because he authorized the mission, and they went after you, your mom and me for revenge, That much you know. What I kept from you, and from Mom, was that my men were killed on the mission, and I was the only survivor. It affected me badly. I withdrew from your mother. I was impossible to live with, and it was totally my fault. Your mother did everything she could, but eventually we separated. She hoped we could get back together. She hoped I would get help. I..we..I saw the pain I was causing her, and I realized that she was my life. I couldn't live without her."
"She was the love of my life, Kim, your Mom meant everything to me. You only have a love like that once, if you're lucky, and I was so very lucky to have found her. But I lost her. At least I had her love for awhile, which is more than some men ever have. And I realized it in time to get myself back together, and I was able to move back in. I had hurt her badly, Kim, but she was able to forgive me. That's the kind of person she was."
He was lost in his thoughts for a moment. "She never told you it was my fault, did she? I'm sure she didn't. She never would have."
He paused for breath, which was ragged. "You're old enough to know this now. I caused your mother even more pain, Kim. When we were apart I had an affair. With Nina Myers," he added bitterly. He heard Kim gasp. "When I moved back in I told Mom I had been with someone else, and she forgave me, but that day Mom found out it was Nina. Somehow she saw it on Nina's face, after you were brought to CTU from Gaines' compound. I never got to see your Mom after that, to try to explain, to hold her, to tell her face-to-face how sorry I was. It was all by phone after that," he said, the bitterness still evident. "I never got to hold her," he said again softly, more to himself this time. He lapsed into silence, unaware of the tears coursing down his face.
Kim, too, was silently crying, for she was hearing even more than she had feared. She had pieced together some of what had happened, but she had never imagined that her father had been unfaithful; a child never imagines a parent's sex life. But that he had cheated on her mother with Nina; that was inconceivable, unforgivable. How had Teri been able to speak with him, to get past it, to even tell him that she was carrying their child? Kim silently rose from her chair and went inside, leaving Jack again to his thoughts.
They didn't speak again that night, or the following day. It was rainy and dreary, so instead of staring into the valley Jack closeted himself in the den where instead his unseeing eyes were on the TV, oblivious to what was shown on the screen, not even bothering to change the channel from the home shopping network Kim had had on the day before. She tried to bring him food, a sandwich, a beer, but they went untouched. Kim knew Jack was re-living that period of his life that they had never discussed, that until the night before had been too painful for them to broach, and which she wished she had not brought up now. Better to have left it dead and buried, like her mother.
When he got to CTU he went straight to his office and reviewed the daily intel briefings on his computer. Surprisingly the data penetrated his fugue, and he was able to concentrate on his work, reading the requisite papers, holding the necessary meetings, having the conversations and other interactions of a normal day. Although he seemed somewhat wooden none of his co-workers thought much was amiss. Around six he told the others that he was leaving, and he drove straight home.
Kim was in the kitchen, grilling steaks and vegetables she knew Jack liked, setting the table outside on the deck, putting a chilled beer stine next to his plate, and he sat down without a word. He didn't speak as he ate his salad, nor did he talk throughout the rest of the meal. Again, there was no hostility, no anger, there was...nothing.
After dinner Jack again sat on the lounge, drinking a second beer, still lost in thought, until Kim sat down on the foot of the chaise and spoke to him. "Dad, we can't continue like this. We have to talk this through."
"Sweetheart," he said wearily, "what else is there to talk about? You know the truth now. You know what I did to your mother. There's nothing left to say. I hurt her in the worst way possible, I betrayed her. I didn't deserve her love. I deserved to lose her. You're being punished for what I did, and I can never make that up to you. I don't know why I told you this now. I've only caused you more pain. I'm sorry, Baby. I've been very selfish. I should never have told you."
"Oh, Dad, of course you should have told me. You're not being selfish. I'm grown now. I deserve to know. I need to know. All this is too important. It's our family. It was the most important day in our lives. I have to know...all these years, not knowing...it was like a big part of me was missing. Things didn't make sense. I never knew why Nina killed Mom. Now it adds up. She was jealous. She hated Mom. She wanted you."
The pain that seared Jack was the worst he had ever known. Kim's words had confirmed what Jack had felt all those years. Teri had died because of him. Because he had been unfaithful. Because he had cheated on Teri. With Nina.
Kim saw the look on Jack's face and realized what she had said. "Oh, Dad," she cried, "that's not what I meant! It's not your fault! It was Nina's! Not yours! Oh, Dad, you can't blame yourself! There's no way you could have known!"
Jack couldn't talk, he couldn't get air into his lungs. His lips moved, but he couldn't utter a sound. As the tears poured down his face Kim became more and more frightened. "Dad, you're not responsible! You can't blame yourself! Don't you see? Whether you slept with Nina or not, she still would have killed Mom! She still would have felt the same. It wasn't your fault!"
Jack had never considered this, but Kim's words couldn't penetrate his numbness, yet to her it made perfect sense. Was it true, would unrequited love have driven Nina to the same result? Would she have still gone after Teri? Or had she killed Teri because Teri had heard her talking to her contact in Berlin? No one had ever known. Jack had always assumed it was because Nina had been his lover. But jealousy didn't only result from actual infidelity.
"Dad, Dad!" Kim yelled. "Dad!" She was desperate to get through to him. She was terrified that he had suffered some sort of breakdown. "Dad, talk to me! Say something! Please, it's not your fault. Mom's death was not your fault. You sent us to CTU to be safe. There was no way you could have known that we would be in danger there. There was no way you could have known that Nina was a traitor. Please, Dad. Please! Talk to me! Look at me! Dad!"
The fright in her voice was penetrating. His love for her, his need to protect her, was beginning to bring him back. His eyes started to focus, and she saw him turn to look at her. "Are you all right, Sweetheart?" he whispered.
"I'm fine, Dad. I'm fine. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Sweetheart. Don't worry. I'm all right. What happened?"
"I thought I was losing you, Daddy. You were so far away. You...you..." Her voice faded.
"I'm all right now, Kim. I guess I...I was...out of it...for awhile. But I'm okay now. I'm very tired, though. I think I'll go to bed."
"Okay, Dad," Kim said, as Jack shakily rose from the lounge. "But why don't you sit for a few more minutes? I'll get you some water. Please, just sit with me."
"All right, Sweetheart," he said, giving her a small smile. "But I'm really kind of tired. Can we continue this tomorrow?"
"Sure, Dad," Kim said as she headed inside, nevertheless terrified of re-visiting the subject. "If you want to."
"I think that would be a good idea," he called after her, waiting for her to return from the kitchen. As she handed him a bottle of water he guzzled it, then looked at her wearily. "Can we just do this tomorrow?"
"Okay, Dad," Kim replied, scared to death of what might come next. But if Jack thought there was more, she'd have to face it.
Chapter 3
Jack dreamt of Teri that night, something he hadn't done in a long time, of a day and a night they'd spent on the beach when they were in college, before they were married, before Kim was born, when they were in love and planning their life together. They knew it would be long and happy, without problems, without crises, that they'd share everything, whatever life threw their way, but that it wouldn't be too much, never more than they could handle, never anything that would damage their love, never anything that would drive them apart, for their love could withstand anything. It was the dream of young lovers, optimistic, unrealistic, impossible.
When he awoke the next morning Jack knew that the dream had been real, that he and Teri had spent such a day and night together, and he thought with joy and sorrow that they had felt that way. Such innocence, such pain. Such ecstasy, such tragedy. Would he change any of it, would he trade the joy even if he'd known of the sorrow? He didn't know the answer.
Kim noticed the tremendous difference in Jack as he ate all of the breakfast she had prepared, reading the newspaper, drinking his juice, eating his cereal and toast, sipping his coffee, kissing the top of her head with a mumbled ''bye' as he gathered his keys and headed for the garage. She didn't know of the dream, and wondered at the catharsis. She didn't know it was that, and not the trauma of the evening before, that had given her father a re-birth.
Chapter 4
Jack stopped and brought flowers on his way home from work that evening, and when Kim expressed her surprise Jack told her that the house needed some life in it. That flowers meant hope. As she put them in water she wondered what he meant, and whether he still intended to continue their conversation. He soon told her that he did.
"Kim, I'm getting hungry," he said as he saw her moving around the kitchen. "Are you?"
"I made a pasta salad. Do you want some?"
"That sounds great, Sweetheart. Is it ready?"
"Yeah, Dad. Do you want to eat outside?"
"Sure," Jack replied. "Do you want a beer?"
This was the first time her father had ever asked her this, so Kim smiled. "Yeah, Dad, thanks. I'll get the glasses."
As they sat down Jack glanced at this daughter. "I know I gave you a hard time last night, Sweetheart, and I'm sorry. You said some things I never thought about, at least not the way you said them. I never thought that Nina might have killed Mom even if I hadn't...had the affair with her. That never occurred to me. I don't know why, it just didn't. Out of the mouths of babes..."
She wondered at the silence that followed, what he might be thinking. "I've never forgiven myself for being unfaithful to your Mom, and I never will. She deserved better from me. That it was with Nina, well, of course I never knew she was a traitor. I never suspected it. No one did. I've blamed myself all this time, that there were clues there that I should have seen, something, but honestly, I still can't see anything. She was just so damn good. There was nothing there. And you're right, I thought you and Mom would be safe there. I never thought you were in danger at CTU. And I've always thought Nina killed Mom because of me. Some of the people at CTU think it was because Mom heard Nina talk to her contact, but I don't think so. Maybe if I was objective I'd think like that, but of course I can't be. But the idea that Nina was jealous anyway...would have been jealous even if we hadn't had an affair...that really threw me. I just never thought of that. It's something I'll never know.
After they ate in silence for awhile Jack finally brought up what he'd needed so long to know. "Kim, I have to know – what happened that day?"
"What do you mean, Dad?" She had been dreading this. She had known all along it was coming, and she still didn't know how she would answer.
"Something happened with Mom that day at the compound. She never told me what it was, in fact she always told me she was fine, but I know something happened. Kim, what was it?"
Kim didn't speak, and Jack almost didn't need to hear the answer. But he had to know for sure.
Her voice was halting. After Jack's breakdown of the night before she didn't know how much he could take. And this might be the worst of all.
"One of the men, Eli...he...came for me. Mom...she...she pulled me behind her. She...she told him to...to stay away from me. Not to hurt me. She told him that...she'd go with him. That she wouldn't fight him. She...went with him. He locked me in the room. A few...a little while later Mom came back in...She said she wasn't going to tell you. She didn't want you to know."
Jack managed to keep his face devoid of emotion as he stared into his empty plate, for this was what he had dreaded. This was what he had feared. But hearing his daughter tell it, hearing her confirm it, that was harder, much harder.
The worst part, the part he hadn't expected, was learning that Teri wanted to keep it from him. Why? Was she afraid that he wouldn't love her? That he would reject her? That he wouldn't be there for her? That rocked him.
"Did she say why, Kim?" he asked in the softest voice. "Why she wouldn't tell me? Why she didn't want me to know?"
"No, Dad," Kim replied, "she just said she didn't want to. But she was in shock. She might have changed her mind. I'm sure she would have. Everything was so...weird that day. So...unreal. She would have changed her mind. I'm sure should would. I mean, there was no reason she would have kept it from you. She just wasn't thinking straight. I mean, she told you about the baby, right? She would have told you, Dad. Don't be upset about it. She was in shock. She just wasn't thinking clearly."
Jack was silent as he pondered Kim's words. What Teri had said was so alien, so foreign to their marriage. Keeping secrets...not telling him something so crucial, something that would affect her so much, so badly. How could she have meant to keep it from him? Why would she want to?
Jack rose from the table, still holding his plate, his fork, not aware of what he was doing, the numbness having completely taken over his mind, drawn again to the darkness of the deck. Kim rose swiftly to open the screen door, certain that Jack would have just walked through it, and she saw him settle automatically on the lounge before she could take the things from his hands and replace them with a can of beer, for she wanted him to have something to ease his way into oblivion. She didn't need to see his face to know that the fixed stare was there, not focused on the valley, or the lights, or the clouds, or the smog. Not focused on anything. Unless it was Teri's face.
Chapter 5
He hadn't known such dizziness, and it wasn't the beer. No, it was the crush of the secret. Teri had kept the news, the pulverizing, paralyzing, most terrible news from him. The life-shattering, life-shaping news that she had been raped, from him. But why? Because she didn't trust him. Because he had slept with Nina. Because he had betrayed her. Because she hadn't forgiven him.
Jack had hit the nadir of his life, yet he was still falling. Nothing, nothing had ever struck him like this before. His rock, his life, had been Teri. She was the one constant in his life, on whom he could always count, to whom he could always return. She had proved that after their separation, when she had allowed him back, into their home, into their bed, even after his confession of infidelity, when she had told him that everything was behind them, that their past actions didn't matter, that they would only go forward, when he'd known that he had to tell her it was Nina and she'd shh'd him, and he'd dropped it with guilty relief. He'd hidden in her forgiveness, he'd been a coward, and he'd betrayed her again, letting himself believe that there was no reason she'd ever need to learn it was Nina, that he could keep that from her, keep that extra pain from her, and that had been the ultimate betrayal. She must have known. She'd known, so she'd held back the news of the rape. She'd known that it would hurt him with equal force, and that inevitably he would know, as she knew, and he would know she knew, that it was Nina.
The hours that went by numbed his body as his mind was numbed, and he didn't notice when Kim covered him with a blanket, hoping that he would doze off, but his blank, vacant stare continue through the night. She had no idea what he was thinking, but she realized it somehow had to do with her mother's refusal to tell her father that she had been raped. She had never understood her mother's decision, and she knew she never would. Now she didn't see why it was hitting her father so hard. She wasn't able to put it together with her father's affair with Nina. To her, they were separate. She couldn't know how intertwined, how inseparable, they were to Jack.
Chapter 6
At dawn he was unable to move. Kim tried to rouse him, to tell him it was time for work, to go to the office, but he wouldn't acknowledge her. She told him she would call Chase, call Tony, call anyone from CTU, an ambulance, even, but he wouldn't respond. As her fear grew she dialed '911,' and even this didn't draw him out.
When the EMT's came she told them that he had withdrawn the previous night after hearing bad news, and they examined him and told her that he was physically well, although in emotional shock. Without some sign of physical illness they couldn't hospitalize him unless he was an immediate threat to himself or others, and there was no indication of that. The temperature outside wasn't particularly hot or cold, so he wasn't in danger of heat stroke or hypothermia, and the fact that he was unresponsive didn't mean that he was a threat to himself or Kim. In other words, there was nothing they could do. Kim was furious, but helpless. As they left, she could only wait anxiously for people from CTU to arrive.
Tony and Chase came soon after, and were stunned by what they saw. Jack was, indeed, as Kim had described: totally unresponsive. After she told them what had happened the night before and what the emergency medical technicians had said, all they could do was remove Jack's guns from the house, although Chase said he would remain there with Kim. They sat, drinking coffee, watching Jack through the patio door. He remained where he was, staring out over the valley, unseeing, catatonic, not responding to stimuli, in his own world.
Chapter 7
What finally penetrated Jack's fugue was the call of a hawk. Jack and Teri had heard the cry of a hawk that night at the beach as it circled, looking for its meal, warning off other predators as it spied a tern, unable to find shelter, flying as fast as it could to escape its tormentor, and they watched it in fascination, not knowing it was a metaphor for what was to come to destroy their lives. They didn't know that someday Jack would be that tern, that the hawk would be the terrible thing that would come looking for him, would finally catch him as he flew away from his nest to protect it, to distract it, to draw it away as he it furiously tried to find a way to shelter his family, to protect his nest. But the predator played with him, let him think he had found a haven from which he could safely approach his nest, and then the predator had swooped in to invade the nest and while Jack was able to protect his fledgling he could only stand by helplessly when the hawk took off with his mate. He had tried to shield her from the hawk, but he had unknowingly made a choice, and he hadn't known until it was too late that there were too hawks, one staying out of view until he had committed himself to his course of action, and by then it was too late to protect his mate, Teri.
Then his tears came. He had failed to protect his nest. He had saved his fledging, but he had sacrificed his mate in the process. Terns mated for life, and he had failed to protect his. He didn't deserve to live. Tern babies left the nest, but a tern that lost its mate shouldn't survive. He had defied the laws of nature.
He roused himself. His baby hadn't left the nest. She still needed him. Yes, he had mated for life. He needed Teri desperately. He had betrayed her, with Nina, but most of all he had sacrificed his life-mate. But could he really have saved her? This was the subject he had never let himself face head-on. Why had she kept the rape from him? He had always suspected it, known it. Kim's confirmation was just that, really. He had known all along. It was hearing that she had decided to keep it from him that had sent him into a tail-spin. But had she done it to punish him, or to protect him? That was the real Teri. The Teri he knew loved. The Teri he loved. The Teri who would have sacrificed herself for him. The Teri of his dreams.
He settled back on the lounge, this time seeing the ocean in the far distance, the tears again coursing down his cheeks. He knew the answer.