Chapter Twelve: Jenova Springer! Jenova!
Sephiroth: FINE! I'll show you I can sing... Reno, pop in er... I don't know...
Beth: Ha!
Sephiroth: I am going to sing Jenova Springer!
Beth: Huh?
Reno: flips through the different discs he has in the booth and pulls one out.
Sephiroth: This is Jenova Springer!
It's been one week since we got to see
Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry
Five days since they had the show
With the hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho,
Scarlet, Tifa and Aeris,
Tifa: I am a what?
Aeris: I AM NOT A CRACK HO!
Sephiroth: Three days since we heard the tale
About the guy named Cid who learned his woman, Shera, was a she-male
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jenova Springer
Shera: Uh...no?
Cid: You're a WHAT?
Sephiroth: Holy cow, d'you see it last week?
Well, they had this one freak, Barret,
Barret: What the FUCK?
Sephiroth: Who sucker-punched his whole family
Do you recall when the brawl with Vincent
Vincent: WHAT?
Sephiroth: Became a total free-for-all
And Jenova's in the middle tryin' to be the referee
Hey, see the stripper with the implants, Tifa!
Tifa: WHAT?
Sephiroth: She likes to lap dance
And date the boyfriend, Cloud!
Tifa: grumbles
Sephiroth: Now here come's Jenova's next guest
Scarlet, And it's a slugfest
'Cause it's her trailer trash brother
Nymphomaniac Reeve is back on crack
It's like "When Animals Attack"
Scarlet: laughing
Reeve: That isn't funny! I just got off Crack... er...
Everyone laughs at that comment.
Sephiroth: They all exhibit reprehensible behavior
Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes
Step on their toes, that's how it goes
They get so violent they have to sign a waiver
They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt, and pointin' blame
On the air? They don't care, they've got no shame
There was one guy, Cid, who I'm sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife, Shera, had a sex change
Shera: I DID NOT!
Cid: That's it I feel safer with Danielle...
Danielle: I OWE YOU SEPHIROTH!
Sephiroth: They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly
Cid: WHAT THE FUCK?
Shera: I deny it!
Sephiroth: They have a history of ripping off their shirts
It's been one week since they had the fight
With the Flower Girl and the old girlfriend,
Five days since that awful brawl
They still haven't got the blood off the wall
It's been three days since the bitter feud
Between a ex SOLDIER and her own son!
Yesterday, finally dawned on me
I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jenova Springer
Reno (Guy Guest) : Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister
Elena (Gal Guest) : Oh? Well, which one?
Reno (Guy Guest) : All of them
Elena (Gal Guest) : Oh! Well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Rude!
Rude: WHAT?
Reno (Guy Guest) : Yah? Well, well me too!
Rude: That's how those rumors get started...
Elena (Gal Guest) : Oh!
Reno (Guy Guest) : And I've sleepin' with your dog Nanaki!
Nanaki: (barking, laughing) Wait...
Elena (Gal Guest) : Nanaki, you bitch!
Elena (Gal Guest) : Well, I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!(baaahhing)
Reno (Guy Guest) : That goat doesn't love you!
Sephiroth: Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'
Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin'
Jenova's the queen of confrontation
She's a sensation
She puts the 'sin' in syndication
It's totally worthless,
like a bad check
It's like a train wreck
Don't wanna stare but you can't look away
Like the Turks she does talk shows
But with more weirdos
The ratings jumpin' higher everyday
If you've seen the show, well then you know
It's just as low as you can go
The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene, like Yuffie...
Yuffie: HEY!
Sephiroth: And pretty soon some ugly goon
Comes in the room and then it's BOOM
In the face of some unsuspecting drag queens, Rude!
Rude: What?
Sephiroth: Well it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities
Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies
Aeris: Sounds like me and Tifa fighting over Cloud again!
Sephiroth: "Jenova! Jenova!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant
Should I turn off my TV? I just can'tI have a tendency to watch it religiously
I have a history of taping each one
It's been one week since the show about
Psycho killers with problems they should work out
Five days since the big surprise, Like Yuffie... and
When some loser's wife said she's still dating twenty guys
Three days since she interviewed
A bunch of psychic 'heros' trying to kill Jenova!
Cloud: Hey, that's us!
Sephiroth: Yesterday, it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jenova Springer
Tired of wastin' my time on that Jenova Springer
I've got way too much class to watch Jenova Springer
Fight over Cloud! Aeris, Yuffie and Tifa Fight!
Everyone gives Sephiroth evil stares and glares.
Sephiroth: after he sings last stanza what?
Beth: grabs her brother by the hair
Sephiroth: SIS! That's my HAIR!
Beth: That wasn't nice!
Vincent: stands up
Barret: takes aim
Beth: WAIT! Not while I am holding him! Drops him and dives for cover
Yuffie joins Beth behind the couch, Reno ducks in the sound booth, the other Turks hide under a table, Danielle hides behind Shera, who ducks down. Everyone hides.
Lots of shots ring out with Sephiroth's yell for help.