Chapter 8: Behind Closed Doors
As the chill of evening fell over the quiet homes of Knoll's Village, the atmosphere in the study was warm and comfortable, and Albus Dumbledore gazed serenely into a bright, crackling fire. The other person in the room, however, looked anything but serene, and the look he was aiming at the headmaster was anything but warm. Presently, Albus turned his attention to his disgruntled companion, and spoke softly.
"You know, Severus, it isn't really all that bad is it? After all, it means less work for you." Severus Snape gave Dumbledore a look of angry disbelief.
"Less work?" he repeated dangerously, "I've spent the last month working on that potion! And for what? A complete waste of my time for that ungrateful child."
Albus listened politely, but there seemed to be a twinkle of amusement in his eye as he waited for Snape to finish.
"Really, Severus! He's not a child anymore; he is sixteen years old! And don't try to tell me that you wasted your time with that potion. I know better than anyone how much you enjoy working on things of that nature. And it certainly hasn't been a waste; we'll almost certainly need it sooner or later for someone." Dumbledore turned back to the fire and seemed almost to be addressing the flames as he spoke again, "I wonder if we should have expected this from Harry in the first place…"
"Hmm. I think not," Severus replied shortly, "I've never seen anything like it. He's completely blocked off his consciousness! Even I cannot create a protection so complete after years of study! No, I certainly would not expect this from Potter; he was hopeless last year."
"Well, after all he's been through recently, he certainly has good reason to close himself off." Dumbledore looked sad for a moment, but sighed as he turned back to Snape. "Ah well! This is, nonetheless, good news. Thank you for your help, Severus, and I am deeply sorry about the headache. I'm sure he didn't mean it." Snape narrowed his eyes considerably as Dumbledore tried to keep from smiling. Then, with a swishing of his cloak, Snape stalked quickly to the door and was about to turn the handle when a knock was heard from the other side. Snape opened the door slowly to find Remus Lupin leaning casually against the doorframe.
"Oh! Hello, Severus! Sorry to interrupt! I just wanted to speak with Dumbledore for a moment but—" Lupin started to stroll back down the hallway, but Snape stopped him.
"No, I was just leaving, Lupin." He gave Lupin a characteristic sneer and headed off in the other direction. Lupin watched him go and then peeked into the cozy room to see Dumbledore looking at him pleasantly.
"Hello, Headmaster." Lupin said, "I was wondering if I might have a word with you…?"
"Certainly, Remus! Please sit down." Dumbledore smiled and motioned to the empty chair across from him. "What word did you want then?" Remus looked confused for a moment, but then laughed a bit as he answered.
"Well, I have a few concerns…about Harry. I talked to him earlier, and I'm worried about him. He's not himself." Lupin hesitated for a moment, but the continued quietly, "It's too much, Albus. I want to comfort him, but even if he would talk to me about…about Sirius," Lupin swallowed, "There's just too much going for him." Dumbledore nodded gravely.
"I'm afraid I agree with you," the old wizard said, "I feel like we've placed too much on him. Sirius' death has been hard on many of us, perhaps Harry most of all, but he now has the added burden of the prophecy. I suppose the only thing we can do is watch him carefully and try to help him through." Lupin nodded.
"Yes…maybe…but maybe there's another way we can help. Right now, he seems so…desperate. Dumbledore, he was asking me to modify his memory! Already, he's made the connections about Snape's potion, and he wasn't pleased that Snape didn't give it to him. I had a hard time convincing him that he was safe here without it; he was practically begging me to take him away, because he's worrying himself sick that he'll endanger his friends." Lupin looked at Dumbledore seriously as he continued. "You know, as much as he hates staying with his relatives, I believe he was ready to stay there for…who knows how long! He looked terrified when we showed up there." Lupin paused when Dumbledore looked up at him wearily and spoke.
"I think he'd be willing to sacrifice all that he has to avoid feeling any more guilt. He blames himself for so much already." Lupin shook his head and went on.
"I can imagine how he's feeling; so much responsibility, so much grief, and no idea how to react. He's prepared to face his fate, but he doesn't know how. He needs to be ready. He needs to know what is going on, and right now he's completely in the dark. I think it's time to stop sheltering him." Lupin paused briefly and gave Dumbledore a meaningful look. "I think we should let him join the Order."
The room was silent for the next few minutes. Both men sat looking at each other, as if in silent communication. Finally, Dumbledore broke the silence.
"Molly Weasley is not going to like this."
*****
Harry awoke from a dream with a jolt. He looked around for a moment, slightly disoriented, but then remembered where he was. He sighed in relief when he realized that he was in the cozy room in Potter Cottage; his dream had seemed too real, but thankfully, it wasn't one of the nightmarish visions he sometimes had. Clumsily, he dragged himself off the floor and headed to the door. He paused to listen at the door, but heard no sounds from the other room.
'Good,' he thought, 'Maybe Ron and Hermione went downstairs.' After the way he'd acted earlier, he was not eager to confront his friends. He felt terrible for the way he'd snapped at Hermione. After all, he shouldn't expect her to understand how he felt. She was only trying to help, though perhaps she'd do better if she were slightly less bossy. And Ron, well, Ron hadn't done anything wrong. As usual, Harry realized too late what a jerk he'd been.
A rotten feeling settled in his stomach as he pushed his way through to the other room. He was in the middle of wondering whether he might be better off just going back to sleep, when he found himself looking straight at Hermione. He stopped dead in his tracks as he stared at her.
"I…I… Hermione…" he stuttered uncertainly. He couldn't seem to find any words.
"Harry, it's okay…" Hermione muttered quietly, seeing the anxious look on his face. But Harry looked up sharply, suddenly finding his voice again.
"No. It's not okay. I'm sorry Hermione. I've been acting like a total prat." Hermione shook her head, but said nothing. Harry noticed suddenly that they weren't alone; Ron was sitting by the fire, watching silently. "Both of you," Harry continued, "I'm sorry about lashing out at you like that, and last year…you guys haven't done anything but help me…" he stopped, unsure what to say next, and not trusting his voice to remain steady. Luckily, Ron chose this moment to pipe up.
"Don't worry about it, Harry. It's already forgotten, honest." He grinned at Harry.
"Thanks you guys, I feel really awful about it all and —" he was cut off by sharp sob from Hermione.
"Oh, Harry!" she had him locked in a tight hug before he even had time to think, "Stop apologizing!" her words were muffled by tears, "It's okay! We understand…but thanks." It seemed that she wasn't going to let go anytime soon, and Harry was starting to worry, but just then Ron came to his rescue.
"Come on, Hermione…you want Harry to drown?" Ron grinned as he spoke, but Harry was surprised at how gentle Ron was as he carefully pried Hermione's hands away from Harry's neck. Then, it was Ron's turn to be surprised, as Hermione turned and clung to him instead. Ron was speechless as he stared, open-mouthed, at Harry. Eventually, Hermione released Ron, and with a few final sniffles, dried her eyes.
"I'm s-sorry…" she managed to breath. "I just hate it when we argue!" But she gave them both a quick smile before she walked back to a chair by the fire. Harry was just thinking how glad he was that Hermione didn't mention the O.W.L.s again, when Ron turned to him with a quizzical look and whispered, "So what's the deal with your O.W.L.s? Not looking forward to seeing your results or —" he stopped short, "What's wrong mate?"
Yet again, Harry felt a familiar feeling of despair forming in his chest. He would have to tell them eventually; they were bound to notice when he didn't show up in the Hogwarts Express. So, feeling that now was as good as ever, he took a deep breath and prepared for the worst.
"I'm not going back to school," he said firmly. Ron looked at him dumbly and Hermione whipped around to face him.
"What? Why?" Hermione demanded. Ron continued to stare at him.
"I just can't go back, okay? That's why I don't care about the stupid O.W.L.s! It doesn't matter anymore. I'm never going back to Hogwarts."
"But…….why? What happened? Were you expelled? Why didn't Dad tell us?" Ron seemed to have recovered from his shock. Harry sighed. He'd expected this sort of reaction.
"No, I wasn't expelled. I. Just. Can't. Go. Okay?"
"Harry," Hermione pleaded, "Please just think logically about this. You just have to go back. And if you don't……what are you going to do? Stay here alone…?"
"I am thinking logically, Hermione! Believe me. And yeah, why shouldn't I stay here? I'd rather be alone than —" he stopped. Hermione was looking at him expectantly.
"Rather than what?" she asked slowly.
"…Rather than get everyone killed!" Harry stated bluntly. He tried to avoid the looks he was getting from both of them, but he had to admit, it felt good to say it aloud. He continued without looking up, "I just don't want anybody else to get hurt." The silence that followed his words was almost deafening. He looked up to find both friends looking at him sadly. He hated those looks, but he had expected them.
They could not understand. Harry hadn't told the about the prophecy. He didn't want them to get involved in it; it was too dangerous. The less they knew the better.
"Harry, what is this all about?" Hermione asked, looking upset, "What are you talking about — 'getting everyone killed'? You aren't going to get anyone killed…" Harry gave a short, mirthless laugh and sat down heavily on his bed.
"Oh, really?" He challenged. How could she just overlook Sirius' death? And Cedric's? "Hermione, please….please just listen to me: I am not a safe person to be close to. I think that's been made very clear already…."
Hermione was deeply distressed, and Ron's face was frozen in an expression of shock and concern. The room was once again very still, but it seemed almost to buzz with tense energy. However, to Harry's relief, they were unexpectedly interrupted by a sudden knock at the door.
"Hermione! Boys! Dinner is ready!" Mrs. Weasley entered looking flustered. "Come on now! I don't want to keep them all waiting! There's an Order meeting afterwards and — what's this? Oh! Harry, dear! You've left your O.W.L. results lying here…" She had unwittingly picked up his crumpled letter, and as she realized what it was she handed to him. She glanced absently at the page as she held it, and to Harry's surprise, uttered a shrill cry, "Oh my! Congratulations, dear! Six O's! How lovely…I suppose I'll go collect your new books for you tomorrow shall I? But right now — dinner!" She handed the letter to Harry and ushered the three of the out of the room.
Harry's curiosity about the results was sparked, but he stuffed the letter into his jeans pocket without delay, telling himself that knowing his scores would only make him want to go back to school, and his resolve was already breaking down. He caught Ron and Hermione looking curiously at the pocket, but chose to ignore them. When they reached the crowded dining room, Hermione went immediately to speak with Professor McGonagall, who was obviously there for the meeting. Harry, meanwhile, was nearly knocked over by a pair of red-headed twins as they rushed over to say hello.
"Harry! How've you been, mate?" George thumped his back in a brotherly way, as Fred cuffed his arm jovially.
"Smashing to see you, Harry!" Fred cried, doing his best impression of their older brother, Percy.
"Lucky Mum didn't hear that," Ron warned. Percy had recently become a forbidden subject in the Weasley household. He was the one Weasley that Harry did not enjoy being around, as he had always been rather haughty. Then, last year, he'd upset the happiness of the entire Weasley family. When the Ministry of Magic refused to believe in the return of the Dark Lord, Percy, who worked at the Ministry, had tired his best to separate himself from the Weasley name; he wanted to make it completely clear that he had nothing to do with the rest of the Weasley's, who were openly working against the Dark Lord's return.
'What's up with Percy, anyway?" Harry asked Ron, as they all sat down at the table.
"Oh, he still hasn't spoken with any of us since last year…I think he's embarrassed, seeing as how now even the Ministry knows the truth about You-Know-Who."
"Well, he spoke to us today," Fred said with a wicked grin, "'Course, I can't repeat what he said. He's got quite a mouth, Percy." His comment was followed by a spurt of laughter from Ginny as she sat down to join them.
"Not that you two didn't deserve what he said!" she pointed out, "You all should've seen the prank they pulled on him!" The twins and Ginny broke into fits of laughter and began to explain how they'd embarrassed Percy earlier.
"Well, evidently," George explained, "Percy was out for a bit of shopping. And we thought, since he was all fancy in his dress robes and had a few Ministry workers with him, we'd give them a little fun."
"So, with the help of some of our patrons — delightful little chaps, just starting at Hogwarts this year—we managed to plant a few of our…iproducts/i…on Percy's person…"
"A few wads of Floating Gumball here…"
"A sprinkle of Sinking Powder there…"
"And the next thing you know, Percy has fallen head-over-heals in love with Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes' newest line of trick sweets!"
"You mean he fell into a barrel of your sweets!" Ginny chuckled, "But the best part is," she said turning to Ron and Harry, "They'd charmed his pants as well. So there's Percy, hovering upside down with his face buried in Slobber Sweets, and his robes fall down to reveal —"
"A lovely pair of ruffled, pink trousers!" Fred finished, "It was just like old times!"
"Except Mum wasn't there to stick up for him," George pointed out, "Anyways, it was marvelous advertising; we sold out of the Slobber Sweets and the Floating Gumballs." By this time, Ron was snorting into his soup, and Harry couldn't help but grin.
The rest of the dinner went as usual. Harry felt Sirius' absence more than ever as he gazed around at the familiar faces. Gladly, there was so much talking and chatter around the huge table, that Harry was able to easily avoid any serious conversations. Instead, he sat quietly, listening to the talk going on all around him. Many people were gossiping and chatting happily, but others seemed more serious. Mad-Eye Moody was deep in conversation with Ron's father and a witch Harry knew to be Hestia Jones. Nearby, Hermione seemed to be listening intently as Professor McGonagall discussed transfigurations gone wrong. Mrs. Weasley was teasing Bill and Charley good-naturedly, while Ron, Ginny, and the twins conspired next to Harry.
Harry was feeling much more comfortable than he had last night, and found that he didn't feel the need to check over his shoulder every few minutes. However, he became decidedly less comfortable when he noticed the cold glare he was receiving from Snape. The bat-like professor was evidently not very interested in his conversation with Tonks, because Harry noticed that he kept turning away to throw dirty looks at Harry's end of the table. Harry finally gave up on trying to figure out what he had done to deserve the looks, and tried just to ignore them. He looked instead at Lupin, and was surprised to see Professor Dumbledore next to him, talking quietly. He tried to discern what they were saying, but looked away quickly after Dumbledore turned to him with a secretive smile.
Suddenly, he realized that there was someone missing from the scene. Hagrid, the Care of Magical Creatures professor, was nowhere to be found, and he was hard to miss in a crowd, being half giant. Harry wondered where Hagrid was; last year, Hagrid hadn't been at any of the Order meetings because he'd been off traveling, trying to get support from the giants.
"Ron, has Hagrid been coming around at all to any of the meetings?" Ron turned around with a smile, but the smile gradually melted as he too looked around the table.
"No…" he said slowly, "He hasn't. And now that you mention it, I haven't heard anything from him at all this summer."
"Me neither," Harry admitted, "I hope he's alright." Ron nodded thoughtfully, but then turned back to the twins.
Harry was just beginning to wonder how much longer this would last, when Mrs. Weasley stood up and everyone quieted down.
"Alright!" she said pleasantly, "It's time for all you children to move upstairs and get ready for bed. No complaints this time please." She aimed a dangerous look at Ron. Slowly, Ron and Ginny pulled themselves away from the table along with Harry. Hermione got up as well and together they began to trudge out into the hallway. They were beginning to climb the stairs when someone called out.
"Harry, I'd like a word with you if you don't mind." It was Dumbledore. With a bewildered look at the others, Harry turned around and went over to the headmaster. Once it was clear that Ron, Ginny, and Hermione had at last made it up the stairs and out of hearing range, Dumbledore spoke.
"It's nice to see you, Harry," he began kindly. "I spoke to Remus earlier this evening, and I wanted to speak with you about something — an opportunity that would not normally be available to someone your age...?"
"Joining the Order?" Harry asked quickly. He was suddenly much more interested in this discussion.
"Yes, joining the Order. Remus brought the idea to my attention, though I suspect you had something to do with it…?" Harry nodded silently. "Well, as I told Remus, I also feel that it would be in your best interest to know what is going on in the Order, so I have decided to offer you a place in our ranks, if you are interested."
Harry didn't know what to say, and after some vigorous nodding, he finally managed to blurt out a quick, "Yes, sir!"
"Well then, I'm pleased to welcome the newest member of the Order of the Phoenix." Dumbledore turned to reenter the crowded dining room, but stopped as Harry burst out.
"But Professor! Remus said….I'd have to be able to apparate, and you know I can't join until…until I learn occlumency…" He dropped his head, thinking hopelessly of how long it would be before he'd mastered the skills.
"Actually Harry, I think you should join us immediately. I'm fairly certain that you won't need to apparate anywhere tonight, and as for the occlumency…perhaps you and I will discuss that later. In the mean time, I promise you that you're quite secure here." Without another word, Dumbledore swept Harry into the room, and with a solid 'thump' the heavy oak door swung shut behind them both.