BEHIND GREEN EYES, a charmed fanfic

BEHIND GREEN EYES

Summary: Set at the end of Sleepy Halliwel. What made Chris admit Phoebe the truth? One shot. Please R&R

Disclaimer: I don't own charmed, though I wish I owned Drew Fuller. I don't own the song "Behind blue eyes" though I wish I owned it because it's awesome.

He walked into P3, his mother and his aunts were engaged in an affable conversation.

Part of him was happy for them, but at the same time, one of the splinters of his already shattered heart stabbed the empty void that the aforementioned organ had left.

He wished he could go and chat with them, like he was used to do once. He wished he could go and smile with them; but he had come to the conclusion that one is born with a certain quota of smiles, and apparently he had waste them all in his childhood.

No one knows what it's like
to be the bad man, to be the sad man.
Behind blue eyes.

They would never understand how he felt. How he had suffered so much, he was numb to the pain. How it hurt to force himself into this indifferent, cold mask EVERY day of his life. How he forced himself to do things he hated, things he didn't want to do, things that hurt so badly, every day…

Who would they feel if they had to experience the hate of their love ones, of their FAMILY… every day?

When all he ever did, he did it just to save them... When the only way to save them was pretending he didn't care, act like the "bad man"! Hide everything underneath emotionless eyes.

How do you simulate everything is fine, when the sadness erodes you… consumes you?

They would never know what it was like to be the "bad man", when you were always their "little angel"; or how it felt to be this sad, sad man when you were always her sunshine, her only sunshine, and she swore you'll always make her happy when skies were grey.

He closed the door of the small office he had learned to call home, office, shelter, and who knows what else, or what less, since everything had lost it's meaning by now.

And, no one knows
what it's like to be hated.

He had watched his father choose his brother over him countless times. He had watch his mother died. He had watched his brother turned evil. He had watched his father died. He had dealt with that somehow and survived.

He had gone to the past to save him, his real brother, the one that was consumed and killed by whatever evil turned him. He had come to the past, endured their suspicious and mistrust…and yet, he kept his sanity and his will to save Wyatt.

Never the less in the course of three weeks, he… that had thought didn't have any room left for pain in his heart, had proved himself wrong one more time.

He had watched his brother try to kill him. The same brother, who no matter what, no matter how evil he had been, had always loved him and protected him. Wyatt had fire of hatred, of pain in his eyes, while he told him he, of all people, had betrayed him. His brother, the one constant in his life… Now (or in the future, actually)… Hated him.

He remembered his father a few hours earlier…

"I trusted you. I vouched for you." He had said when he saw the demon scanning Wyatt for evil.

"Look, just let me explain…" Chris knew he had the right to be mad… but if only he would hear him, listen to what he had to say… let him explain himself.

"Get out of here." He answered angry… so angry.

His dad had kicked him out without a chance of an explanation… his dad hated him right now, and he knew it shouldn't bother him, but sometimes, brain and heart don't work together…

Leo had trusted him… and that had meant the world for him… no matter how hard he tried to pretend he didn't care about his father, how much he tried to lie to himself, deep down inside, he always wanted his approval. And now…all he got was hatred.

And what hurt the most… was what happened a few weeks earlier, what had made him stop visiting the manor for almost two weeks, what had crushed his already destroyed heart into small particles of heart dust, if such thing exists.

" So. Wyatt brings his shield up around me. He thinks I'm a threat." He had explained his mom.
" Yeah, so do I." She answered hitting his core and shaking it violently, but he didn't show it.
" Listen to me. They reversed his sense of morality. That means his shield will protect him from you but not from me. Please, I'm the only one who can save him. Let me help."

Please trust me again, was actually his plead, please don't leave me alone. Please let me save my brother… only he couldn't say those words… of course.
"Chris, we don't need your help. I will get my son back and when I do, I don't wanna see you anymore." Chris heard her saying and he felt like dying, literally. He felt every fiber of his body twist in pain…

Skies are grey mommy, and don't even notice, and you don't even believe me. And you don't want to see me anymore. And what hurts the most, mommy, it's that you hate me… and nobody knows what is like when all the people you love… just hate you.

He felt like crying, but he didn't have any tear left. He had cried them all at his mom's funeral… the same mom who didn't want to see him anymore.

"I am sorry mom, for all the lies, for everything. I am so sorry, mom. Please forgive me" He muttered inaudible to the air.

To be faded to telling only lies.

" Because the only reason I came here is to keep Wyatt from turning evil!" he had tried, pleading for acceptance, hoping they will understand.
" Turning evil?" His father said in disbelief… of course it wasn't an easy thing to accept.
" Don't you mean stopping evil from hurting him?" Paige added.
" I didn't think you'd help me if you knew the truth. I knew you wouldn't. The evil from the future I came back to stop isn't a demon. It's Wyatt."

For the first time he was able to look at them in the eyes, for the first time he wasn't lying. He had felt horrible when he lied about important stuff like saying that Paige had died with the Titans or not telling them who he was or he why he came back…

It was horrible to tell only lies. And now, he had finally told them something that was true… but…

"You're lying!"

Was the result, his own mother, calling him a liar… and why not? He had been forced to tell so many lies… didn't that make him a liar?

" No, I'm not." He explained and he was honest for a change " He's going to grow up and terrorize people with his powers, take over. Kill, even."
"Why should we believe you after all the lies?" his father reminded him. He was a liar… that's all you are "a bad, hated, sad liar"
"Because you have to." He answered, because I need you to believe in me! Was what he was thinking.
" No, Chris. We don't actually." His mom had answered.

The one true thing I told you and you don't believe me! You have no idea how it feels, to live, lie after lie after lie. Trying not to be discovered, while deep down inside you just want to be busted! To risk everything, even almost being faded into oblivious, to risk my own conception, just to save you all. And have to lie about it, every second of my life. You used to say you could always realize when I was lying mom. Well… I guess you would be shocked to see what I've became.

I just hope up there, wherever you are at, you don't hate me, like she does here. But the problem is, mom, when I see her… most of the time, it's just so hard to forget she is not you, and I am not her sunshine, her peanut. I am pretty sure I MAKE her skies grey!

"Hey!" I heard Phoebe calling behind me; I tried to put my detached mask back on, doing a lousy job at it.

I turned around.

"Hey… so did you come here to kick me out?" I asked her, adrenaline pumping all over my system.

Another one bites the dust! Awesome, now they all hate me! I thought with my trademark sarcasm. Well now, everybody agree. Wyatt already hated me… then mom…today, Leo and Paige where in Wyatt's room when the demon was scanning him for evil, and now Phoebe. Great, I probably broke a mark. My whole family despises me!

"No, actually, I came here to ask you a question." She answered.

"What?" I could hear the hint of hope in my voice and hated myself for it. But it was normal, wasn't it? I just wasn't prepared to have my whole family hating me.

" I need you to be honest with me. No games, no running away. Just the truth."

No more lies? Could I live with that?

But then… could I keep on living like this?

Honestly… Chris. How are you holding things together?

Your whole WORLD had already crumbled into piece, but you had always managed to keep on going… but now… I am not so sure anymore.

But, my dreams, they aren't as empty
as my conscious seems to be.

What nobody understands is that I just can't give up. Because giving up would be giving up on all of you. I might not be your sunshine now, mom. Or I'll might never be, seeing that I might have screwed up my own conception and might fade away pretty soon. But I just want to make sure you get to see a lot of grey skies and sun shines, and you will have you other sunshine, Wyatt, cheering you up when skies get grey. Wy will be a good boy this time. He was a good boy once upon a time remember, mom? And I'll make sure he stays that way.

I have dreams too, mom… they weren't all shattered after all the deaths and the evil I had to face. Maybe, all the pain made me pretend, hide them from the world, but they still exist somewhere deep inside.

Maybe I was forced to see things that carved a whole in my soul, maybe I was forced to endure things that stamped a void in me. So much that the Machiavellian concept of good or evil kind of soaked in me… And I was forced to do things I regret, to do things I hate myself for… things that haunt me in every nightmare, and in every waking moment. Then… can you blame, mom? After you left us, I was raised by him! And his methods are a lot more questionable than mine.

I love him, despite all his doings, he was a great brother… and I couldn't help it, mom, I have a dream, I have a goal. I have to find out what happened to him… no matter what. Can you really blame me?

I just want to make sure, your nightmares, your every waking moment are not haunt like mine are.

I have hours, only lonely.

All the hours I spent alone in the manor… Wy would leave to do his evil doings, trying to hide them from me. He would leave me alone; he wouldn't let me go out so I wouldn't be able to figure out what was going on.

And then, when I found out, and I started the resistance, he trapped me. Locked me up alone, incommunicado. I had hours, just to myself, to replay what had happened, how did he turned? When? To replay every death I had experienced. And they were a lot more than I would have wanted to.

In those lonely torturous hours where my nightmares haunt me…I realized this was the only solution. Even if you all hated me, even if I had to do things that I am not proud of, even if I had to put my own existence in jeopardy.

It's all for Wyatt… because I love him… because I love you all…

And despite myself… I need someone…I am selfish bastard, and I can't keep on going if you all hate me.

I am sorry Wy, I just can't cope with having the whole family against me. I just have to give in, give her whatever she wants.

"Okay." I answered Phoebe, unsurely.

"Are you Wyatt's little brother?" My aunt shocked me. I wasn't expecting that question AT ALL!

Was Wy my brother? My adored brother? The one I always looked up to, that I always loved so much? So much I am willing to sacrifice everything to save him? To avenge him? Because someone killed something so precious inside him, that was even worst than having killing him completely.

My love is vengeance that's never free.
No one knows what it's like
to feel these feelings, like I do.
And I blame you!

And this is how my love has to be expressed. My love is vengeance… finding out who turned my brother and made my family and the world suffer. I am going to make him/her pay. I blame this obscure entity I don't really know anything about for all the pain my world endured. For all the pain, ME, CHRISTOPHER PERRY HALLIWELL WYATT, endured. Because no one will ever know, how I feel… No one knows how it feels to suffer day after day, to be the "bad guy" for the people you love. To be the sad guy, hiding behind unexpressive eyes. To be hated, by the people you are trying to save, the people you love the most. To risk everything, even fading away from existence. To lie to everybody when all you want to do is tell the truth, all for a dream, they'll never get to realized you had. All because you love them, and you want to spare them from the pain of knowing.

I guess you could say my love is vengeance, vengeance against this unknown killer that killed my brother's innocence, killed my brother's good heart, and killed my mom and my dad.

Once my mom told me vengeance is not the way, vindictive people get punished at the end. She kept telling me about what happened when my aunt Prue died. Vengeance is never free… and I guess this is my toll… and if it is like that… I will pay it gladly.

I guess… I hope… sometimes it just gets so hard…

No one bites back as hard on their anger.
None of my pain woe can show through.

So hard…

To pretend I don't care.

So hard to bite it back, not to show. To hide it all…

How can you hide your wounds when your mom tells you she doesn't want to see you again?

How can you pretend you don't care when your father kicks you out of your own house?

All this pain, all this anger… years and years of them, and nobody can see it… nobody has to see it.

I realize how I swallowed hard and put my mask back on, my impassive facial features, while I scolded myself for my self-pity. "There is no time to woe. Just bite it back, Christopher. Feeling sorry for yourself is not going to help at all! How are you going to explain your watery eyes? Stop being such a wuss!" I tried to snapped myself out of it, one more time. Remembering …

But, my dreams, they aren't as empty
as my conscious seems to be.
I have hours, only lonely.
My love is vengeance that's never free.
No one knows what it's like
to feel these feelings, like I do.
And I blame you!

"But maybe, if she knew, she would help!" The part off me that wanted to surrender pleaded to my other part that had just scolded me. Wanting to tell Phoebe the truth, so badly it almost hurt!

"It would help who? You? Or Wyatt? It will help you to feel a little better, because she would contain you? But would it help the WORLD, Christopher? You know that big thing we live in, that we came to save?" the reprimanding part of my personality admonished me.

"The only thing that would help, will be that she will end the ill-treatment and neglect that is hurting you everyday, but that's all and you know it. And are your harmed feelings important enough to risk the fate of the world for them? To risk WYATT for them?"

No one knows what it's like
to be mistreated, and defeated.
Behind blue eyes.

It's just that nobody knows how much it hurts, to have the whole world against you. Just try and try and who is suppose to be you source of support, just becomes a wall of bricks that stands in you way. You feel like you wanna drop everything and call it a quit. And am so very close of calling it a quit. I can't take it anymore. I am NOT this strong.

You just want to scream to everybody what's going on! You just want to be hugged and loved, instead of hated and mistreated… and nobody….

No one knows how to say
that they're sorry and don't worry.
I'm not telling lies.

And I need that, if not for long, for a fraction of a second. I NEED someone to tell me not to worry, that everything is going to fine.

Someone that tells me that they are sorry for what happened, sorry for all the mistrust, the mistreat, sorry for everything. It's not that I am not willing to forgive them… gee… I have already forgiven them. I just hope they can forgive ME, cuz I think I will never be able to forgive myself, for the lies, for the bending of the rules, for the things that I was forced to do.

And right now… I am NOT telling any more lies…

"Only if I can get Piper and Leo back together in time" I told my aunt, expectantly, hopefully, I know…a little childishly… I couldn't help it.

"So… you are here to save your brother?" She asked me, concerned, looking straight into my eyes. She leaned forward and I could feel her hand touching shyly my cheek.

But, my dreams, they aren't as empty
as my conscious seems to be.

'Will you help me? I am sorry I didn't tell anyone sooner. It's just… just…" I felt the tears coming to me, for the first time since I got to the past, but they drown in the way to my eyes. I just can't cry. "I just couldn't risk it. Trust me. I just want to save Wyatt, and hopefully that will save us all. I am so sorry… I need you to trust me, Phoebe, PLEASE… I need just one person that doesn't hate me! ONE person that believes me, so I can keep on going!" I pleaded as if I was pleading for my life. It was almost embarrassing!

Phoebe looked at me, really LOOKED at me, or through me I should say, because she saw right through me and she HEARD, really heard what my heart what telling her. Her empathy might have had something to do with it. She started crying, as she pulled me into a tight embrace, to which I responded with my life, almost knocking her over!

"Of course I trust you, honey! And nobody hates you… they are just scared!"

I have hours, only lonely.

"Everybody hates me, Aunt Phoebe." I moaned childishly "Wyatt hates me, he thinks I betrayed him. Bianca, if she was alive she would probably hate me, cuz I left her alone to DIE, Mom, she hates me… she said she never wanted to see me again. Now Dad and Paige also hate me, because they think I was trying to hurt Wyatt. And I would never hurt Wyatt! NEVER… I LOVE WYATT. He is the whole reason I came to the past! I feel so lonely. I felt so lonely for so long! I don't want to be alone anymore." I just couldn't pull away from her hug yet, and she didn't seem to mind. I was glad this was Phoebe, she was always the most affectionate of us all.

"You are not alone, sweetie, I am right here with you! I won't let you be alone."

Finally I could relax… and then it just hit me, again. The guilt, the fear… what if telling her had been too much of a risk? What if my moment of weakness, this tiny fraction of minute, when I needed a sign, a glimpse that my family still loved me… that I still could be loved and I could still love, had ruined everything? Which price would I have to pay for the precious moment I just lived? Because in my life… every precious moment had a high fee…

My love is vengeance that's never free.

I jerked away from the embrace and I guess it kind of caught her by surprise, but she composed herself. She grabbed my hand, sat on the couch that served as my bed and pulled me down with her.

"Tell me, sweetie" She asked sweetly, caressing my hair.

"Tell you what?"

"I guess I can't asked you what happened, cuz you are going to snap your future consequences on me again. But what you are feeling? This must be very weird for you!"

No one knows what it's like
to feel these feelings, like I do.

I nodded, and said nothing. I just leaned on her lap, trying to forget everything. Trying to pretend I was a little kid, back at the manor and my aunt was comforting me. Trying to pretend my life was good again, that nothing had happened.

And I wondered, for the millionth time, while my aunt caressed my hair soothingly… WHAT HAD HAPPENED…

And I blame you!

Who could I blame for my brother's destruction? For my mom's death? For dooming the world to a life of darkness?

I heard my aunt whispering, like she would do when I was a little boy.

"Everything will be ok, sweetie!" She said. My hand squeezed her knee tightly as I tried so hard not cry. "let it all go, honey. I am right here for you."

From outside came the chords of the limp Bizkit song, that I knew so well… that I FELT so deeply whenever I heard it, it was almost like the song was mine… if only I had blue eyes… but they were green. Wyatt's eyes were blue… I wondered if he would feel the song reflected him too… I was sure he would.

I just sang to her lap, not daring to face her. Changing the words to suit me, I could feel her body silently jerking; she didn't want me to know she was crying as she rocked me back and forth, soothingly…

I sang with the music…

"No one knows what it's like
to the bad man, to be the sad man.
Behind green eyes ...

And, no one knows
what it's like to be hated.

To be faded to telling only lies.

No one bites back as hard on their anger.
None of my pain woe can show through.

No one knows what it's like
to be mistreated, and defeated.
Behind green eyes.
No one knows how to say
that they're sorry and don't worry.
I'm not telling lies."

"Oh baby… I am soo sorry" Phoebe said caressing his nephew's hair, still rocking him back and forth. She could hear Chris trying to bite back a sob "none of my pain woe can show through" she thought, but he didn't need to, because the pain was too much for the empathy blocking potion to work, and she could feel all his pain "Don't worry. Shhhh, my sweet little nephew… everything is going to be ok! Don't worry! I am here now, you are not alone anymore."

Chris finally cried in his aunt's lap.