"There's a greenish, bluish planet I want you to look at, son."
"Another one?" The son moans.
"Yeah, but this time I'm sure it's the one I wanted you to see. The last one I thought it was too, but I ended up being wrong, but you can't blame me really. I mean come on all these greenish bluish planets are starting to look alike to me. And they're all becoming really stupid. But I want you to look at this stupid greenish bluish planet, cause this one isn't entirely stupid."
"Dad."
"Yes?"
"Shut up."
"Arthur, get your ass over here before I slap both your heads together!"
A son with two heads sighs and moans and groans as if suffering from a horrible case of space worms. He might as well have been he thought, anything was better than getting out of his chair, which he was finally comfortable in, after three hours of trying to find the most comfortable position on the chair. The most comfortable positing being his legs stretched out onto the next chair with his two heads lying on the seat of the first chair. But finally after all that hard work anything would have been better traveling twelve feet over to where his father was standing to go look at some stupid greenish bluish planet.
And Arthur Random Beeblebrox made this fact agonizingly clear, as most teenagers of any species in all the known universe does, except of course for some gas beings whom have exceeded such things as it were. He literally dragged himself across the twelve feet that stood before him, moaning the entire way.
"Oh, shut up." Zaphod rolled all of his eyes. "You remind me of a robot I used to know."
"Did you torture him by showing him planets too?"
"No, I just told him to bring some people to the bridge…or shut up. And you know what? When I told him to shut up, he did."
"Dad."
"Yes?"
"Shut up."
Zaphod does nothing as his son finally makes the twelve feet to join his view of this greenish bluish planet.
"Hey, Arthur, hey kid." Zaphod pokes one of his son's heads with his third arm.
"What?" Arthur asks turning to his father.
Zaphod slaps both of Arthur's heads together.
"Ow!" yells Arthur. "Dad!
"That's what you get, kid. I was ex-president you know. Of the galaxy, all of the galaxy." Zaphod's heads smile and raise their chins in a bit of pride.
"Yeah, then you went and stole a ship!" Arthur yells.
"Yeah…well there's a very good reason for that."
"And what is it?"
"I'm not entirely sure…"
"Of course."
Arthur leans on a railway, resting one of his heads on his hand, and the other glares at his father. Like most teenagers he seems distant, and unimpressed by anything.
"Come on, kid, look, there's that planet I told you about." Zaphod smiles.
"Yay…I wish I had a camera."
"God I hate teenaged sarcasm." Zaphod hits his son again. "I can't wait til' you're my age so we can talk and hang out and stuff…"
"Uh-huh."
"Urgh."
The next three minutes of time were occupied by Arthur tapping on the rail way, and the ending of a planet called Rupert, where all the people there had lost their minds, and without anything on the television decided there was no point in going on and killed themselves. Also some kid with a green scooter, reading God's Last Message to His Creation, tripped over something, and uncovered it to be a buried pile of junk, that used to be a robot named Marvin.
"Oh, what was I saying?" Zaphod asked.
"You were…going to give me twenty bucks?" Arthur smiles.
"I don't think so."
"Sure you were!"
"No, I'm pretty sure I wasn't…"
Zaphod's heads wander around the bridge of the Heart of Gold searching for something to remind them what he was saying, then they see the stupid greenish bluish planet.
"Oh! Earth!" Zaphod yells.
Arthur pouts at his father remembering.
"Come now, kid. This is the place where that monkey man I was telling you about came from. You know, that guy you're named after." Zaphod pats Arthur on the back.
"Why would you name me after a monkey man?" Arthur yells.
And like most teenagers of the universe, Arthur completely and utterly takes the words of his father out of context, and twists them into something amazingly horrible that he will someday use against his father, in order to be left alone in his room.
"I hate you!"
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a rather small thing to say about the troubled teenagers of the universe. What it says is small mainly because no one really wants to talk to a teenager, of any species. And that suites the teenagers of the universe just fine. Once someone working for the guide asked a teenager why they hated everything. The teenager slowly turned to this employee and said this:
"Fuck you."
Many others of the Guide have tried to study these creatures called teenagers, and most have gotten the same response. Other replies were these:
"Hey man, fuck you, that ain't cool. Fuck off. Go fuck yourself. Who the fuck are you? What the fuck do you want? Get the fuck away from me. Oh my Fucking God, who the fuck are you? Fuckity, fuck, fuck. Fuck."
And so on in many various ways of saying that.
So after many years of trying, editors of the Guide just gave up on ever getting much more out of a teenager than that word. But after careful and tedious study they were able to write a small description of teenagers.
Teenagers by definition are when children reach an age when their bodies begin a cycle of maturity. This consequences in many forms of emotional distress. Teenagers of all species will take any opportunity one gives them to lash out at them, and attack them in a mish mash of verbal abuse to make anyone feel as bad as they do. Though attacking teenagers do not limit their victims to adults, but attack themselves as well. So they usually form groups of what can be called friends that have common interests. Such groupings of these teenagers are known as:
Goths
Metal heads
Hippies
Geeks
Nerds
Jocks(Male)/Cheerleaders (Female)
Dorks
Bullies
Gangsters
And various others that vary on species.
All groupings of teenagers attack each other, and see themselves as the highest life form of all time.
Teenagers look to their parents as the sole reason as to why they feel so bad, as it is the parents who created them. And will do anything they can possibly do to make the parents' lives a living hell. And will enjoy it. And often resort to saying "I hate you," a lot. No punishment can make a teenager truly sorry, all means are futile. The only thing that can cure a teenager and its raging hormones is waiting until they are no longer teenagers.
They are anything but mostly harmless.
They also enjoy saying the word "fuck" a lot.
Of course the worst Teenager that could ever be born onto the Universe would be one that was fathered by the Zaphod Beeblebrox. Which just so happened to be this teenager, Arthur Random Beeblebrox. Spending his life with his father, traveling all over, searching for the greatest parties of the Galaxy in the Heart of Gold.
"Yeah, well I hate you too." Zaphod smiled at his son.
Arthur sighed.
"Come on kid, this where your mom was born too you know?" Zaphod said.
"You found my mom at a DNA bank." Arthur lowered his heads.
"Oh well….No I mean…er…I mean that lady I would've married. Trillion. You know her, you met her before."
"Oh yeah, her…"
"Aw come on, I love her!"
"Yeah, then she ditched you for a kid."
"Yup, and you're named after her daughter and the guy she had that daughter with."
"I'm flattered, really…" Arthur sighed.
More sarcasm.
"Your old man saved the universe with those people you know." Zaphod smiled.
"Uh-huh."
"Then me and Trillion went out and did stuff, stuff I'll tell you when you're older."
"Great mental image, Dad."
"What?"
"What?"
"Mental image?"
"What about it?"
"About what?"
"The mental image."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Dad."
"Yes?"
"Shut up."
A teenager under these living conditions, meaning being fathered by the Zaphod Beeblebrox is bound to have a lot of sarcasm and tools to use against his father. This was just one of the many. Due to his Dad messing with his own brain these conversations had become normal since Arthur was able to speak. His first words being, "Hi, Dad." In which Zaphod said "Dad?" and proceeded to look around for this so called dad. Arthur then said "Dad" again, and Zaphod said "You're crazy, kid…wait what?" And the day continued as such.
"Look, it's Earth!" Zaphod pointed. "You should be happy, Kid." He patted his son on the back. "This is the only Earth in all of the dimensions, created by the dolphins."
"Dolphins?"
"Yeah they're like Babble Fish but they're bigger and gray, and um…squeak a lot."
"Oh, good for the dolphins." More sarcasm.
"You know, Earth could really throw some parties, which is where I met Trillion. She seemed alright, you know. Told her I was from another planet. Great pick up line. Man I was so hip then, I could barely see my pelvis." Zaphod's head smile at each other.
"Oh God…" Arthur shook his heads.
"You know, she did a real good thing being with me. She made me want to have kids."
"Kids?"
"Well, I met Trillion's daughter a few times. Random, real sweet, just really sad all the time. Then you know I had you."
"What happened with Random?"
Zaphod over the many years of traveling the galaxy in the Heart of Gold has seen many things. Many disturbing and utterly wrong things. Some beautiful things. And once he slept on a Mattress that woke him up in the morning. But none compared to when he knew Trillion or anyone of those people. And seeing so many things makes one want to settle down after a while.
"She died." Zaphod says plainly.
He walks over to his son.
"They all died, you know. Arthur, Trillion, Ford, Random, Marvin, and all those people, all the monkey people. Arthur was so annoying, Marvin was more though. And Ford and I were buds, what can I say? Trillion never really saw me after she had Random, don't know why. But they died. They all died." Zaphod says.
"Dad…" Arthur moans at this uncomfortable situation.
"I guess I got really lonely or something like that. I mean I went on, but you know. They all died. I had you after that, you know. I knew Trillion would have liked a son, she never really wanted Random, felt bad for the kid."
"Dad, shut up…"
"But there it is. What a stupid planet, filled with such stupid people. Earth, the one and only in all dimensions. Where an English monkey was born and a monkey lady. Stupid monkeys."
"Shut up."
"But hey, just thought you'd like to see it. I drag on and on about it you know."
"Shut up."
"Okay."
And then within the next five minutes of silence someone on Earth looked up and said, "Forty-two?"
"Hey, Dad?" Arthur said.
"Yeah, Kid?"
"Wanna go to a party, you said they were pretty cool?"
"Sure! Hey maybe I'll find you a mommy! It's really easy. Oh, you could find a girlfriend! God knows you need one! It's really easy. Just gotta tell a sweet girl 'hey, I'm from another planet.' Oh, then we'll take em' all around the galaxy and stuff like that!"
"Cool."
lllllllllllllll
Read all five books in the Hitchhiker's Trilogy. If you didn't know, the last book called "Mostly Harmless," Trillion gets DNA from Arthur to have a daughter named Random. Travelling through different dimensions, all Earths are destroyed by Random on accident of course. Arthur and Ford try and find Random and end up getting on a Earth with Random just as it's destroyed by the Vogons.
So yes...everyone dies...except Zaphod. I feel so sad...
First Hithhiker Fanfic, please be gentle.