Note: Winnie, I'm so sorry about your mom. I lost my grandma a few months
ago and these next few chapters are kind of my "get it all out" story. And
Lil Dreamer, more characters are coming.
Disclaimer: This chapter has a few f-bombs. (That means the f-word, kids.) : ) Skip it if that offends you.
I fell asleep on Keith, crying into his shirt. I slept through most of the next three days. I didn't go to school, or eat, or do anything except for sleep. I became a true zombie and it was scaring Keith. He did not open the shop. I knew it was hurting his business, but I wanted him there with me. Most of the time anyway. Then once he was sitting with me, I wanted to be alone. There was no winning.
I couldn't cry anymore. The gut wrenching sobs that took over my body the day I found out she died, were gone. Crying seemed so insignificant. I needed a stronger way to get rid of my pain. It hurt to keep it inside. It hurt somewhere in the region of my stomach. If there was really a pit in my stomach, that's where it would be hurting. I ached all the time. Occasionally, I would watch some TV, but there were always parents and kids and it made me mad. I threw a few more objects until Keith shut off the TV.
He handed me a pillow. "Throw that, or punch it. Do whatever. It's easier to clean up."
Keith had a window repairman come fix the window. I slept through it.
Keith called all the necessary relatives, and arranged for Mom's body to be brought back home to be buried.
Keith made us milkshakes in an effort to get me to eat. He put one of the milkshakes in the Minnie Mouse cup.
"Here, Luke," he handed the Mickey Mouse cup to me while I was still sitting on the couch. "You need some nourishment in your body."
I grabbed the Minnie mouse cup from him and threw it violently in the trash.
Keith just stared at me.
"She left me!" I screamed. "She was the only parent I had left and she up and fucking left me!"
"Lucas..." he said softly.
"Don't 'Lucas' me. She left me an orphan. She goes to some fucking school on the other side of the fucking planet and then never comes back!"
Keith said nothing. I punched the pillow Keith labeled "Lucas's violence pillow" until I broke down and started sobbing again. Keith sat at the kitchen table and stopped watching me. When my sobs were calm enough so that I could hear him speak he said softly, "please eat something, Luke."
There was a lot for me to choose from to eat. Deb came by and delivered what seemed like the entire café to us. Whitey, Jake , Peyton, Brooke, Haley and other acquaintances came. I was asleep, but Keith told me they stopped by. Everyone who came brought food. I had no desire to eat. But I had put Keith through hell, I figured I could do him one favor and eat.
I picked at the variety of foods Keith heated up for me. Keith stared at his plate and I stared at mine, neither of us saying anything. We were strangers, inhabiting the same space, but saying nothing to each other.
My days were spent either breaking things or sleeping. Keith did not know how to handle it. He tried.
"Lucas, I know this is really hard for you. Hell, it's really hard for me, and I'm not 16."
I said nothing.
"But we need to talk about a funeral."
I looked at him. He looked away. "That look you have is breaking my heart, Luke." He said.
I looked back at my mutilated pot roast.
He handed me brochures for coffins. "Do you want to look? I can just pick one if you would like."
"She would want a grass coffin. Like the Jews have."
I remembered watching a documentary about death passages on the Discovery Channel with her one day when I was sick and she stayed home with me.
"That's a good idea." She told me after seeing the grass coffin. "There's no point in spending a ton of money on something that's going in the ground. Plus, you return to the Earth. That's kind of cool in a twisted, really gross sort of way."
I smiled inside at the memory. I wasn't capable of smiling of the outside. Mom talked to herself when she thought I was sleeping.
"Okay," Keith agreed. "I'll arrange for that. "Do you want to speak?" He asked me.
"I don't want to go." I said.
He looked sadly at me. "You'll regret not going. You maybe angry with her now, but you'll want that closure later."
"I'll go," I said, "I just don't want to. This shouldn't be happening."
"I know, Luke." Keith shook his head.
"Yes, I'll speak."
"Is there anyone else you want to speak?"
"Haley," I suggested. "And you."
He nodded. "I can do that for you." He said.
"No, do it for Mom." That made me cry again. Keith handed me a napkin.
He waited for me to stop crying before asking me about the music.
"Play something Beatles, she loves them."
"Do you think we should play something more mood appropriate?"
"Play the fucking Beatles, Keith!" I shouted.
Keith made a note on the paper he was writing on, but made no comment about my outburst.
"Any other suggestion?" he asked.
"Sarah MacLaughlin. There's your mood music."
"Lucas-"he started, but then decided against saying anything that might set me off again.
The doorbell rang. We looked at each other, neither one of us wanting to answer it. I peeked through the window. It was Peyton.
I opened the door, forgetting that my face was red and tear-streaked and I hadn't showered in almost a week.
"Hi, Lucas," she said.
I motioned for her to come in.
"Hi," Keith said to Peyton. "I'm just going to go...away." He said. He took his car keys and told me to leave a note if I go anywhere.
"You look like hell," she said to me.
I smiled. Gotta love Peyton.
"So, I'm really sorry about your mom. I know that doesn't help, at all, but I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you. If you need anything. Anything at all-"
"Let's go out." I said, interrupting her attempt at sympathy..
"What?"
"Out. To a bar. Let's go."
"Um, okay." She said slowly.
I changed clothes for the first time since I found out my mom died.
Peyton drove to the bar. We were early. It was 8. Too early to go to a bar for most people. I wanted alcohol.
"Are you sure that's a good idea, Lucas. I mean emotional drinking isn't really-"
'My mom just died, Peyton. I want some fucking beer."
She nodded and said, "Two coronas with lime" to the bartender.
"It's the only good stuff," she said, handing me mine.
"Do you want to talk about anything?" She asked, cautiously, afraid I was going to erupt at any moment. It wasn't an irrational belief.
"No, I want to get wasted."
She didn't argue, but she did buy me beers. Six to be exact.
She drank as much as I did meaning that she was not fit to drive home. The bartender who was closing up took pity on us and took us both to Peyton's house. Her house was dark and empty.
"You know, Peyton. I hate this world." I said. "Just when things are going okay, it shuts down on you and you are left an orphan."
Peyton said nothing. She laid [lay? layed? whatever] down on her bed.
I got on top of her.
"Lucas," she warned.
"Tell me you don't want me," I challenged her.
"I do want you, but you're with Brooke."
I kissed her. Peyton hesitated, but kissed me back. We made out until all of our clothing was scattered around her bedroom. I found a condom in my wallet. Keith must have put it there. My dear old uncle, making sure I got laid. And laid I got. We fell asleep afterwards, next to each other in Peyton's bed, naked.
"Lucas," Peyton shook me. "Lucas!" she sounded panicked. "I missed the whole morning of school!" she said. She was digging through her closet for something to wear.
"Just skip the rest of the day," I groaned. I was never what you would call a morning person. My headache didn't really help. Damn hangover.
"No! I need to go to school. You need to leave." She instructed.
"What?"
"Lucas, you cheated on Brooke. With me." She buried her face in her hands and shook her head.
"It's not like you were stopping me," I objected. "You were there, too."
"We have to tell her." She said, finally taking a pause from destroying her dresser in search of clothes.
"No! No we don't. She'll never find out." I said.
"Look, I don't have time to think about this right now. I'm going to school."
She pulled her hair into a ponytail while I got dressed. She wasn't talking to me anymore. She put some makeup on and brushed her teeth to cover up the combination of morning breath and alcohol. I never understood how people on tv kiss right after they wake up. Morning breath, anyone. Gross.
She threw some books in her backpack and walked quickly out of the house, without saying a word to me. I followed her.
"Dammit! My car is gone!"
"It's still at the bar." I said.
She started walking.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"To school."
"Walking?"
"Do you have another idea?"
I didn't.
"Come to my house after school and I'll take you to get your car."
"Fine," she agreed, like it was causing her pain to do so.
She started walking again. I stared after her.
Disclaimer: This chapter has a few f-bombs. (That means the f-word, kids.) : ) Skip it if that offends you.
I fell asleep on Keith, crying into his shirt. I slept through most of the next three days. I didn't go to school, or eat, or do anything except for sleep. I became a true zombie and it was scaring Keith. He did not open the shop. I knew it was hurting his business, but I wanted him there with me. Most of the time anyway. Then once he was sitting with me, I wanted to be alone. There was no winning.
I couldn't cry anymore. The gut wrenching sobs that took over my body the day I found out she died, were gone. Crying seemed so insignificant. I needed a stronger way to get rid of my pain. It hurt to keep it inside. It hurt somewhere in the region of my stomach. If there was really a pit in my stomach, that's where it would be hurting. I ached all the time. Occasionally, I would watch some TV, but there were always parents and kids and it made me mad. I threw a few more objects until Keith shut off the TV.
He handed me a pillow. "Throw that, or punch it. Do whatever. It's easier to clean up."
Keith had a window repairman come fix the window. I slept through it.
Keith called all the necessary relatives, and arranged for Mom's body to be brought back home to be buried.
Keith made us milkshakes in an effort to get me to eat. He put one of the milkshakes in the Minnie Mouse cup.
"Here, Luke," he handed the Mickey Mouse cup to me while I was still sitting on the couch. "You need some nourishment in your body."
I grabbed the Minnie mouse cup from him and threw it violently in the trash.
Keith just stared at me.
"She left me!" I screamed. "She was the only parent I had left and she up and fucking left me!"
"Lucas..." he said softly.
"Don't 'Lucas' me. She left me an orphan. She goes to some fucking school on the other side of the fucking planet and then never comes back!"
Keith said nothing. I punched the pillow Keith labeled "Lucas's violence pillow" until I broke down and started sobbing again. Keith sat at the kitchen table and stopped watching me. When my sobs were calm enough so that I could hear him speak he said softly, "please eat something, Luke."
There was a lot for me to choose from to eat. Deb came by and delivered what seemed like the entire café to us. Whitey, Jake , Peyton, Brooke, Haley and other acquaintances came. I was asleep, but Keith told me they stopped by. Everyone who came brought food. I had no desire to eat. But I had put Keith through hell, I figured I could do him one favor and eat.
I picked at the variety of foods Keith heated up for me. Keith stared at his plate and I stared at mine, neither of us saying anything. We were strangers, inhabiting the same space, but saying nothing to each other.
My days were spent either breaking things or sleeping. Keith did not know how to handle it. He tried.
"Lucas, I know this is really hard for you. Hell, it's really hard for me, and I'm not 16."
I said nothing.
"But we need to talk about a funeral."
I looked at him. He looked away. "That look you have is breaking my heart, Luke." He said.
I looked back at my mutilated pot roast.
He handed me brochures for coffins. "Do you want to look? I can just pick one if you would like."
"She would want a grass coffin. Like the Jews have."
I remembered watching a documentary about death passages on the Discovery Channel with her one day when I was sick and she stayed home with me.
"That's a good idea." She told me after seeing the grass coffin. "There's no point in spending a ton of money on something that's going in the ground. Plus, you return to the Earth. That's kind of cool in a twisted, really gross sort of way."
I smiled inside at the memory. I wasn't capable of smiling of the outside. Mom talked to herself when she thought I was sleeping.
"Okay," Keith agreed. "I'll arrange for that. "Do you want to speak?" He asked me.
"I don't want to go." I said.
He looked sadly at me. "You'll regret not going. You maybe angry with her now, but you'll want that closure later."
"I'll go," I said, "I just don't want to. This shouldn't be happening."
"I know, Luke." Keith shook his head.
"Yes, I'll speak."
"Is there anyone else you want to speak?"
"Haley," I suggested. "And you."
He nodded. "I can do that for you." He said.
"No, do it for Mom." That made me cry again. Keith handed me a napkin.
He waited for me to stop crying before asking me about the music.
"Play something Beatles, she loves them."
"Do you think we should play something more mood appropriate?"
"Play the fucking Beatles, Keith!" I shouted.
Keith made a note on the paper he was writing on, but made no comment about my outburst.
"Any other suggestion?" he asked.
"Sarah MacLaughlin. There's your mood music."
"Lucas-"he started, but then decided against saying anything that might set me off again.
The doorbell rang. We looked at each other, neither one of us wanting to answer it. I peeked through the window. It was Peyton.
I opened the door, forgetting that my face was red and tear-streaked and I hadn't showered in almost a week.
"Hi, Lucas," she said.
I motioned for her to come in.
"Hi," Keith said to Peyton. "I'm just going to go...away." He said. He took his car keys and told me to leave a note if I go anywhere.
"You look like hell," she said to me.
I smiled. Gotta love Peyton.
"So, I'm really sorry about your mom. I know that doesn't help, at all, but I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you. If you need anything. Anything at all-"
"Let's go out." I said, interrupting her attempt at sympathy..
"What?"
"Out. To a bar. Let's go."
"Um, okay." She said slowly.
I changed clothes for the first time since I found out my mom died.
Peyton drove to the bar. We were early. It was 8. Too early to go to a bar for most people. I wanted alcohol.
"Are you sure that's a good idea, Lucas. I mean emotional drinking isn't really-"
'My mom just died, Peyton. I want some fucking beer."
She nodded and said, "Two coronas with lime" to the bartender.
"It's the only good stuff," she said, handing me mine.
"Do you want to talk about anything?" She asked, cautiously, afraid I was going to erupt at any moment. It wasn't an irrational belief.
"No, I want to get wasted."
She didn't argue, but she did buy me beers. Six to be exact.
She drank as much as I did meaning that she was not fit to drive home. The bartender who was closing up took pity on us and took us both to Peyton's house. Her house was dark and empty.
"You know, Peyton. I hate this world." I said. "Just when things are going okay, it shuts down on you and you are left an orphan."
Peyton said nothing. She laid [lay? layed? whatever] down on her bed.
I got on top of her.
"Lucas," she warned.
"Tell me you don't want me," I challenged her.
"I do want you, but you're with Brooke."
I kissed her. Peyton hesitated, but kissed me back. We made out until all of our clothing was scattered around her bedroom. I found a condom in my wallet. Keith must have put it there. My dear old uncle, making sure I got laid. And laid I got. We fell asleep afterwards, next to each other in Peyton's bed, naked.
"Lucas," Peyton shook me. "Lucas!" she sounded panicked. "I missed the whole morning of school!" she said. She was digging through her closet for something to wear.
"Just skip the rest of the day," I groaned. I was never what you would call a morning person. My headache didn't really help. Damn hangover.
"No! I need to go to school. You need to leave." She instructed.
"What?"
"Lucas, you cheated on Brooke. With me." She buried her face in her hands and shook her head.
"It's not like you were stopping me," I objected. "You were there, too."
"We have to tell her." She said, finally taking a pause from destroying her dresser in search of clothes.
"No! No we don't. She'll never find out." I said.
"Look, I don't have time to think about this right now. I'm going to school."
She pulled her hair into a ponytail while I got dressed. She wasn't talking to me anymore. She put some makeup on and brushed her teeth to cover up the combination of morning breath and alcohol. I never understood how people on tv kiss right after they wake up. Morning breath, anyone. Gross.
She threw some books in her backpack and walked quickly out of the house, without saying a word to me. I followed her.
"Dammit! My car is gone!"
"It's still at the bar." I said.
She started walking.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"To school."
"Walking?"
"Do you have another idea?"
I didn't.
"Come to my house after school and I'll take you to get your car."
"Fine," she agreed, like it was causing her pain to do so.
She started walking again. I stared after her.