I had a dream last night… more like a nightmare, really. Slumber attacked by a reoccurring memory I tried to bury in the past: the day I cut Tenel Ka's arm off.
It seems so long ago. One would think I would have moved past it. Even Tenel Ka herself has gotten over the incident, learning to live with only one arm. She even sees it as a positive experience, teaching her that simplybeing a good Jedi is not enough, especially when lightsabers are involved.
But for me, I can see nothing but violence and waste. And knowing that the capability to harm someone so much lies within me causes of the sleepless nights.
Everyone has darkness in them. It is part of the Force. It is part of life. And on that day I glimpsed mine. It was not my intent that revealed it, for I would never ever wish harm upon Tenel Ka. But in that moment I saw my own raw capacity for harm. I became aware that I could harm those I care about, without even intending to.
The galaxyis full of violence. Even the so-called peace the New Republic enjoys is overflowing with conflict. The Jedi are necessary to defend the peace. But can we really use our powers to fight? To take the lives of others? All our training with lightsabers was designed for one sole purpose: to battle. We learn the skills necessary to attack and counter-attack. But should we? Do we have the right?
The Force is a part of all life, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant.How can we justify using it to cause harm, even in the name a justice? All life is important.
I have so many questions, but I don't know where to find the answers. I don't know if anybody has them. Do I want to have another's views on such things imposed upon me?I have come to believe that every Jedi needs to decide, on their own, how to live their life. Every individual in the entire universe needs to decide this. Some may make the wrong choice, but it is still their choice to make.
I wonder what I will choose.