Flaws
Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying
The scene at the train station had not been a good one, and many of Hermione's classmates had witnessed it in its entirety. Her father had once again blown up at her, threatening her with disownment and giving her an ultimatum.. If she went through the barrier and got on the train, she was no longer a Granger. Her mother had done nothing more than weep: at the last minute she had pleaded with Hermione to respect her fathers wishes and 'act logically', but Hermione was too overwhelmed and frightened of both of them to get back into their station wagon and go back home with her parents.
She honestly felt that if she went back with them, she would have a good reason to be terrified. She muttered a tearful apology, thanked them for taking care of her all those years, and walked through the barrier without another word. As she passed onto Platform 9 ¾ she could hear her father swearing and pounding on the other side at the top of his lungs calling her every name in the book. She was receiving many embarrassed looks from the various families gathered on the platform, and kept her head down as she hurried to the train with her trunk. All she wanted was to find a quiet compartment and try to forget this scene and many others which had occurred that summer.. There had been so much violence..so much anger and rage.
As she swung her trunk up into the train carriage, Draco Malfoy swaggered by and shot her a condescending look. "Boy Granger, he knew more derogatory terms for you than I do. I really learned some new things today. I take it all is not well in your perfect Mudblood paradise? Too bad, so sad. Don't expect any sympathy from me; maybe you'll learn your lesson and realize that only pure-blooded wizards are worth anything, and that you deserved all he said and more. Maybe your little Weasel friends' family will take you in. then they could have the full baker's dozen!"
Laughing maliciously as Hermione's shaking overtook her; he climbed up into the next carriage without a look back. Had he bothered, he would have seen the girl bring her hands up to her face and sink to the ground as her knees betrayed her, a swarm of ginger-haired wizards rushing over to carry her into the train.
***************************************************************
"'Mione, 'Mione! What happened. talk to me 'Mione. are you alright? What's the matter? Are you sick?"
"For Merlin's sake Ron; she's not dying! Now, will you leave her be so that I can speak with her? The train is already delayed by 15 minutes; we don't need you holding up the show! Now scoot out of here. take a few sickles and get yourself a treat from the trolley, alright?"
The compartment door slid shut as Hermione allowed herself to slide back into reality. Momentarily disoriented, she couldn't understand how she got to be at the Weasley's house. As she opened her eyes, she realized that she was in the Hogwarts Express, and Mrs Weasley was standing over her with a glass of water looking perturbed.
"Oh child, you're awake! Are you alright? Here's some water."
Hermione took the glass gratefully and drank back a long slow sip. She was then handed a fizzing glass, which the older witch motioned she was to drink. It tasted dreadful but she didn't wish to have the wrath of yet another person on her head today, so she downed the whole thing. She was instantly glad she did, as her body felt invigorated and the haze in her mind cleared.
"Thanks."
"I overheard what went on with your parents dear. It's not the first time I've seen it happen, unfortunately but that doesn't make it any less unacceptable or traumatizing. I was behind the barrier; the children had already gone ahead so they didn't here what happened. I won't mention a word of it if you don't want me too."
"I'd appreciate that. I need time to digest what's happened and decide what to do now. I'm a bit knackered really, but I'm feeling much better now. It's just so much pressure. I was just shocked by everything. I guess I never thought he'd actually do it and it's overwhelming." Tears threatened her, but the brown eyes were not permitted to let them fall. 'Enough' she mentally commanded as the tears were blinked away.
"I'll be fine now, thanks ever so much Mrs Weasley- you are always so kind to me" Trying to smile in a reassuring manner, she felt she might be able to make this situation work to her advantage for the moment. "Could I please ask a favour? Would you mind telling the others that I need a little rest and would like that compartment for myself? I really feel like I need a little private time to sort out my feelings."
"Certainly dear, I'll make sure they leave you be." The kindly witch rose and leant over to give Hermione a gentle peck on the cheek. "Take care dear. things will get better, I am sure of it. Should you need anything, just owl myself of Arthur. you are like family to us." The door shut close gently behind her, and Hermione could hear Mrs Weasley admonishing the others to 'leave Hermione be, she forgot to eat her breakfast and is feeling faint'.
Smirking to herself, Hermione decided to remember that excuse; it was a good one, after all, and pulling out her wand muttered a locking charm on the door as her left hand reached down into her coat pocket to find the razor blade eagerly waiting there.
"I'll never be perfect enough"
Blade to unmarked skin.
"I just can't deal with this,"
Slice.
Draw back.
"Why can't I be perfect? Why can't I be accepted?"
Blade back to the wrist, edge just barely denting the skin.
"I just can't deal with this,"
Slice.
Breathe.
Draw Back.
"No one wants me around, not even my own parents. Malfoy is right. I deserve this."
A red mark on her forearm, skin as flawed as her personality. Flaws which need to be removed at all costs.
"I just can't deal with this anymore."
Slice
An old scar re-opened, deeper this time. Far deeper.
Shallow breath
"I just can't deal with this!"
Blade pressed into raw flesh.
Slice
Release.
One last cut, with the blade angled slightly differently produced the perfect result. The skin and muscle puckered slightly before succumbing to the force of the steel, and the blood which was brighter this time, spurted out slightly before gushing down and joining the smaller rivulets flowing down to her fingertips. Satisfied at the sight in front of her, the last held breath was exhaled as black spots filled her vision. Relief at long last.
Reaching for the towel well-hidden in her book bag Hermione Granger collapsed for the second time that morning. This time, there was no one there to catch her.
Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying
The scene at the train station had not been a good one, and many of Hermione's classmates had witnessed it in its entirety. Her father had once again blown up at her, threatening her with disownment and giving her an ultimatum.. If she went through the barrier and got on the train, she was no longer a Granger. Her mother had done nothing more than weep: at the last minute she had pleaded with Hermione to respect her fathers wishes and 'act logically', but Hermione was too overwhelmed and frightened of both of them to get back into their station wagon and go back home with her parents.
She honestly felt that if she went back with them, she would have a good reason to be terrified. She muttered a tearful apology, thanked them for taking care of her all those years, and walked through the barrier without another word. As she passed onto Platform 9 ¾ she could hear her father swearing and pounding on the other side at the top of his lungs calling her every name in the book. She was receiving many embarrassed looks from the various families gathered on the platform, and kept her head down as she hurried to the train with her trunk. All she wanted was to find a quiet compartment and try to forget this scene and many others which had occurred that summer.. There had been so much violence..so much anger and rage.
As she swung her trunk up into the train carriage, Draco Malfoy swaggered by and shot her a condescending look. "Boy Granger, he knew more derogatory terms for you than I do. I really learned some new things today. I take it all is not well in your perfect Mudblood paradise? Too bad, so sad. Don't expect any sympathy from me; maybe you'll learn your lesson and realize that only pure-blooded wizards are worth anything, and that you deserved all he said and more. Maybe your little Weasel friends' family will take you in. then they could have the full baker's dozen!"
Laughing maliciously as Hermione's shaking overtook her; he climbed up into the next carriage without a look back. Had he bothered, he would have seen the girl bring her hands up to her face and sink to the ground as her knees betrayed her, a swarm of ginger-haired wizards rushing over to carry her into the train.
***************************************************************
"'Mione, 'Mione! What happened. talk to me 'Mione. are you alright? What's the matter? Are you sick?"
"For Merlin's sake Ron; she's not dying! Now, will you leave her be so that I can speak with her? The train is already delayed by 15 minutes; we don't need you holding up the show! Now scoot out of here. take a few sickles and get yourself a treat from the trolley, alright?"
The compartment door slid shut as Hermione allowed herself to slide back into reality. Momentarily disoriented, she couldn't understand how she got to be at the Weasley's house. As she opened her eyes, she realized that she was in the Hogwarts Express, and Mrs Weasley was standing over her with a glass of water looking perturbed.
"Oh child, you're awake! Are you alright? Here's some water."
Hermione took the glass gratefully and drank back a long slow sip. She was then handed a fizzing glass, which the older witch motioned she was to drink. It tasted dreadful but she didn't wish to have the wrath of yet another person on her head today, so she downed the whole thing. She was instantly glad she did, as her body felt invigorated and the haze in her mind cleared.
"Thanks."
"I overheard what went on with your parents dear. It's not the first time I've seen it happen, unfortunately but that doesn't make it any less unacceptable or traumatizing. I was behind the barrier; the children had already gone ahead so they didn't here what happened. I won't mention a word of it if you don't want me too."
"I'd appreciate that. I need time to digest what's happened and decide what to do now. I'm a bit knackered really, but I'm feeling much better now. It's just so much pressure. I was just shocked by everything. I guess I never thought he'd actually do it and it's overwhelming." Tears threatened her, but the brown eyes were not permitted to let them fall. 'Enough' she mentally commanded as the tears were blinked away.
"I'll be fine now, thanks ever so much Mrs Weasley- you are always so kind to me" Trying to smile in a reassuring manner, she felt she might be able to make this situation work to her advantage for the moment. "Could I please ask a favour? Would you mind telling the others that I need a little rest and would like that compartment for myself? I really feel like I need a little private time to sort out my feelings."
"Certainly dear, I'll make sure they leave you be." The kindly witch rose and leant over to give Hermione a gentle peck on the cheek. "Take care dear. things will get better, I am sure of it. Should you need anything, just owl myself of Arthur. you are like family to us." The door shut close gently behind her, and Hermione could hear Mrs Weasley admonishing the others to 'leave Hermione be, she forgot to eat her breakfast and is feeling faint'.
Smirking to herself, Hermione decided to remember that excuse; it was a good one, after all, and pulling out her wand muttered a locking charm on the door as her left hand reached down into her coat pocket to find the razor blade eagerly waiting there.
"I'll never be perfect enough"
Blade to unmarked skin.
"I just can't deal with this,"
Slice.
Draw back.
"Why can't I be perfect? Why can't I be accepted?"
Blade back to the wrist, edge just barely denting the skin.
"I just can't deal with this,"
Slice.
Breathe.
Draw Back.
"No one wants me around, not even my own parents. Malfoy is right. I deserve this."
A red mark on her forearm, skin as flawed as her personality. Flaws which need to be removed at all costs.
"I just can't deal with this anymore."
Slice
An old scar re-opened, deeper this time. Far deeper.
Shallow breath
"I just can't deal with this!"
Blade pressed into raw flesh.
Slice
Release.
One last cut, with the blade angled slightly differently produced the perfect result. The skin and muscle puckered slightly before succumbing to the force of the steel, and the blood which was brighter this time, spurted out slightly before gushing down and joining the smaller rivulets flowing down to her fingertips. Satisfied at the sight in front of her, the last held breath was exhaled as black spots filled her vision. Relief at long last.
Reaching for the towel well-hidden in her book bag Hermione Granger collapsed for the second time that morning. This time, there was no one there to catch her.