Sesshoumaru's Xmas List Part 2, Take 2

Authoress: So he twisted my left arm…Also told him BOLDING UP WORDS costs more YEN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Sesshoumaru: STOP THAT!!!!!!!

Authoress: --holds out hand-- Cough it up fuzz-ball!

1. Coat Hangers: Several dozen in fact. Ahem. Before Chichiue passed away on account of that damnable Ryuukotse (Nyah! I spelled it! FUUUUCK YOU!), he gave to this Sesshoumaru my own Damned Pelt (DP), which is a mark of royalty and high-rank birth among the full blooded youkai male heirs in the House of Taisho. Its just too FUCKING BAD that I HAD TO BE THE ONLY ONE IN MY GENERATION TO GET THIS 'LOVELY GIFT'!! (I feel like a cheap Ronco commercial.) AND WE ALL KNOW HOW LONG THAT CAN LAST!!!! Not the fucking RONCO COMMERCIAL, a YOUKAI GENERATION, you fucking dolts!! Ahem. For the last several hundred years I have been OBLIGATED to wear this Damned Pelt (DP) in memory of MY OLD MAN! Chichiue forced me to sign a contract stating that if I, this Sesshoumaru, did not get laid 150 years after I hit my first 'Heat', then I would get stuck wearing this Friggin' Thing (FT) for all eternity! Tres EMBARRASSING!!!!! What in SEVEN HELLS WAS THAT DEMON THINKING!??!?!? Obviously, my old man was a WHORE! Never once did I, this Sesshoumaru, see HIM wearing this DAMNED ROYAL INUTAISHO PELT (DRIP)!!!! He was a freaking male-whore like that movie, 'Ace Bigelow, Male Gigolo' except it was more like 'Toga Bigelow, Youkai-Gigolo' of the Sengoku Jidai. He FUCKED everything that walked, crawled, slithered, and had at least one hole. No wonder he found Inu-Bastard's mother attractive! She was a 3 input woman! I heard he did Kaede-baba, too. AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! GROOOOOOOSSSS! Ahem. The visual I just received was very disturbing, kind of like having a WORTHLESS HANYOU FOR A BROTHER!!!! (See # 8, Sibling Rivalry) Maybe the Old Hag is really InuBastard's mother! But then, I just saw the 3rd movie and this is JUST NOT THE CASE! AHHHHHH!!!!! Ahem, again. This Sesshoumaru's back is KILLING HIM, DAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!! First you (1) curse me with 3rd degree burns on my lily white hands (Oh wait, I forgot! I ONLY HAVE ONE FREAKIN' HAND!!!!), (2) give me an aimless HANYOU for a brother, (3) refused to give me Sou'unga and Tessaiga when I 'nicely' asked for them, (4) you go off and decidedly die in a blaze of glory (No! Not the Bon Jovi tune, you fucktarded ningens!!) leaving this Sesshoumaru an orphan (Even if I was a full grown Youkai. I still need to know who my Daddy was.) and now (5) you are giving me a HUMP!?!?!? WTF!?!?! Speaking of this, I will not fuck camels as they are beneath me, even though they are taller than me and if we did fuck I would be underneath…and it would smell and the hair would be everywhere and…I would need to bathe constantly after that and then Jaken would not polish my Katana (hint, hint See Xmas List #1, #3 To Get Laid)…….AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!…NEVER MIND!!

Ahem. I need to locate these 'Coat Hangers' as soon as possible so I can hang this Damn Pelt (DP) up and be done with it. I must locate the nearest Walmart or Target or Dollar Store in the Sengoku Jidai so I can purchase these 'Coat Hangers' and place them in my many closets in my new home. Its not like I don't have plenty of closet space, because thanks to 'Trading Spaces' (See List #2, #17 Trading Spaces Sengoku Jidai Style), I do (That Dan Jumbo is just a piece of tail, isn't he!). Why do they call these metal items shaped like a fucked up triangle, 'Coat Hangers', anyhow??? Shit, I don't even own a coat, or even know what ONE IS! All I own is a smelly, moth-eaten OVERSIZED KIMONO, an 8-year old female ningen with friggin' A.D.D. who constantly stalks me, a Horny Toad……..What! You think I am referring that latent-tendency queer, JAKEN?!?!? This Sesshoumaru thinks NOT! This Sesshoumaru actually has a horny toad. Bulgey gives me pleasure in which no other has given my Royal Person (RP) in such a long time. Sessions of heavy petting and stroking usually leave us both smoking Cuban cigars and sipping champagna by the end of it all. Tres romantique! I just can't keep track of the stains on my silk sheets… Food! Food stains! Not the other kind! Damn you, you one track MOFOS!!! Did I mention I also own A USELESS SWORD!?!?!?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Chichiue, why do you wish a hump upon this perfect Sesshoumaru's back?!?!? And who do you think I am anyhow, MARTY FELDMAN from that movie about a disfigured youkai, 'Young Frankenstein-Kun'???????? This pathetic ningen looks more like JAKEN than I, this SESSHOUMARU!!!! I am not a slimy 2-timing frog (I heard he made it with Fozzy), like that green, bulgey-eyed, muppet demon from Sesame Street, Kermit. I do not resemble a pizza-loving Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle nor a pond-scum sucking, Force-wielding, midget named Yoda, either! The only thing I admire about Feldman-sama is that he was able to get a lot of females bedded, unlike myself! I have been paired up with everyone from Kouga to Shippou and everything from a Salad-Shooter to a Vaccum cleaner, but this Sesshoumaru is still HARD UP, for lack of a better term. FUUUCCCKKK!!! Even Frakenstein-chan was able to bed a female in the movie!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!! What is WRONG with THIS SESSHOUMARU?!?!? I am hotter than an antiquated boiler in a Victorian house, but I can't get any nookie. Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit is getting more nookie than I, even if his career is washed up. Kono Sesshoumaru is feeling like the world's worst youkai!. I need a doggie cookie. I'll do it all for the nookie, so you can take that cookie and stick it up my…..NYAH……. whazoo!

Unfortunately, my Damned Royal InuTaisho Pelt (DRIP) along with my SISSY-HUMAN-FEMALE (SHF) markings make me look like a LAS VEGAS SHOW GIRL! All this Sesshoumaru needs to complete the look is a pair of heels and fishnet stockings! Ano…..DID I MENTION I HAVE A BACK ACHE BECAUSE OF IT!??!?! Ahem. Recently, this Sesshoumaru received a telephone call from some 'Producer' from the 21st century named Ron Jeremy(!?). I must say that Jeremey-sama was quite the prick because he just jabbed into my Royal Persona (RPa) quite readily saying he got my 'resume' and 'nude pictures' (!?). He probed this Sesshoumaru further stating he was intrigued by my 'exotic' looks and was interested in auditioning me for some 'strip show' (!?). He also told me I would be mostly nude except for a thong and high heels and feathers. This Sesshoumaru informed Ron-kun that I already owned these aforementioned items and how dare he peek inside my drawers! I, this Sesshoumaru, further informed Jeremey-sama that I would then have impale him with my very large, stiff katana, Tokijin, since he had insulted my Royal Character (RC). At this prospect, he became very excited, to say the least, and insisted on calling my Royal Person (RP) 'you dirty whore' and 'hey, baby' and 'my little slutty slut' (!?). This 'producer' also asked some penetrating questions as to who did this Sesshoumaru's make up and nails and if I did tricks in bed (!?). He also asked this Sesshoumaru out on a date asking to meet him on the corner of Hollywood and Vine. HUH!?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS 'PRODUCER' TALKING ABOUT!?!?!?! I DO NOT MATE WITH NINGENS!!!! In all of Seven Hells I am as confused as MICHAEL JACKSON is about his SEXUALITY!!!!!! What does this mean?!?!?

Authoress: It means he thinks you're a flaming fuck….

Sesshoumaru: NONI!?!?!?

Authoress: You heard me. You got long hair, long finger nails, markings that look like make-up and when poorly drawn, you look like Yurusei Yatsura. Plus, I hear you play with Barbie Dolls. Fuck, I think my uncle from West Virginia would do you. Can you say 'Deliverance'?

Sesshoumaru: Female wench, you have INSULTED THIS SESSHOUMARU! You will DIE!

Authoress: I thought you wanted to BED me? Or did ya want to do Senor Ron Jeremy?

Sesshoumaru: NONI!?!?!?

Authoress: Wow, that's TWO things you can repeat: your name and the word 'noni'. So, Jaken told me he bought a digital camera with your credit card and when you weren't looking, took random nude pics of you for 2 weeks. To spite you he sent them over with InuYasha, who in turn gave them to Ron Jeremy, who was looking for the next Traci Lords. Yeah, he also told me he got it at Walmart when you forced him to go with you on your hanger trek. Guess there were some things you did to him with those wire hangers… he showed me his new asshole for starters. And what is up with your tongue? It seems to been everywhere except your mouth in these pics shuffles pics around ….

Sesshoumaru: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I will seek revenge upon them by bedding you, bitch!

Authoress: Ok, so that's THREE things you repeat: Your name, 'noni' and 'AAAAHHHH!!!' I thought you had a hot date in California?

Speaking of beds, I could you some new sheets and pillows. Here's $20 bucks. I think the dollar store is having a sale.

Wish #2: Its Not a Tail! (AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!) >>>>>