Wish Numero Three

3. Its not a 'C'!: I, this Sesshoumaru, do not speak ENGRISH!…er, … I mean ENGLISH!!!! I speak YOUKAI-ESE!!!

Authoress: Huh? What's that? Something like Ebonix?

Sesshoumaru: It is my native tongue, curvaceous pathetic, human female.

Authoress: Yeah, sure. You just don't know what you speak.

Sesshoumaru: Silencio! Vete al infierno (A/N: Shut up. Go to hell.)

Authoress: Wow. Now you're speaking Spanish. Didn't know you knew that….

Sesshoumaru: ARRRGH! You are angering this Sesshoumaru!!!

Authoress: Now its English. You are one messed up dude.

Sesshoumaru: Dokkasou! Baka Yarou! (A/N: Dokkasou, Asshole.)

Authoress: Now Japanese.

Sesshoumaru: Sheiskopf! Dumkopf! (A/N: Shithead, Dumbhead.)

Authoress: German! Damn, you are talented!

Sesshoumaru: I, this Sesshoumaru, speak JAPANESE! Is this what you wanted to know, bitch!?

Authoress: Sexxxy! Back to the rant everybody!

Sesshoumaru: Have you noticed how she always has to speak the last word?

Authoress: Yup.

Sesshoumaru: Bitch!

Authoress: Shut up!

Ano. I speak JAPANESE, not ENGLISH!!!! How dare you dumb, shameful, filthy ningens assume that my Royal Birthmark (RB) is a letter C!!!! What the fuck is a 'C' anyhow !?!?!? I, this Sesshoumaru, have never heard of a 'C' in my entire life, even if it has been TATTOOED to my forehead for an eternity. ARGH! This 'C', as you bastardos (A/N: Mas Espanol, personas! Sesshoumaru tiene mucho talento.) call it, is really a crescent, like the MOON! Yes, I am so sure you would love to see mine! Well that is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, you LUNATICS! Ahem. Among Inu and Youkai Society, my RB is a sign of my ROYAL STATUS and HIGH RANK. NONI!?! You self-gratifying humans think this Royal Sesshoumaru (RS) SMELLS BAD and SMOKES DOPE !?!?!? THIS SESSHOUMARU THINKS NOT!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! The only REASON why I would smell bad is because of you nimrods PAWING at my silken robes, which results in you BAKAS leaving the lingering scent of HUMAN-PERSON-STENCH (HPS) all over MYYYYYYY RP!!!! FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!!! WOOF! This Sesshoumaru is not and never has been a LOW RIDER! I fly far away enough to avoid my enemies, and in fact, I am FLYING HIGH AGAIN to avoid the Evil Authoress (EA)!!

Authoress: Yeah, riiiiiiiiiight. You're just up there because when you come down you're gonna get a good swift kick to your YU (Youkai Unit) with my steel toed Doc Martins for trying to shove your tongue down my throat!!!!!

Sesshoumaru: Promiscuous whore!!! You should not have tempted this Sesshoumaru with that…that… alluring scent coming from your lips!

Authoress: Odorless petroleum products aka Chap Stick turn you on?

Sesshoumaru: Arf….. starts panting like he were in heat.

Authoress: Good boy, stay up there. Mr Helium Balloon will now continue with his tirade.

Ahem. Can you hear me now!?!!?!? As this Sesshoumaru was saying, my Crescent is a sign of my Royal Status and High Birth….AAHHHHHH!!!! AGAIN! I WAS NOT smoking DA CHRONIC when I was born and neither were my parents! Well, on second thought, maybe Chichiue was for most of his life because HE DIED FOR NO REASON SAVING INU-BASTARD AND HIS DUMMY MOMMY!!! Yeah, I bet DEAR OL' DAD was lighting up with Takemaru before they both died considering they were surrounded by FIRE!!!!! What a good excuse to smoke! And that thing he pulled out his armor was no fire-rat haori, it was a GIGANTIC EZ-WIDER WRAPPER!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! I HATE YOU OLD MAN!!!! You always seemed a little TOO HAPPY for a TaiYoukai! Although, after this rant, my RP will WELCOME some!!! AAHHHHHH!!!!! Ano. All of Youkai society respects and worships my leadership, authority, wisdom, looks, makeup, long silky hair, firm god-like body, YU (Youkai Unit, not Yu Yu Hakkasho!) and of course, my powerful abilities! Especially the ones I have over you deluded fans, whom my Royal Person thinks are DERANGED and should all DIE!!! DIE, LIKE INU-ASSHOLE and the EA as well as DAD and TAKEMARU and DUMMY MOMMY, whom are already DEAD!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! I will send you on a one-way TRIP to Seven Hells! This Sesshoumaru has tired of speaking about the DESTRUCTION OF LIFE and will change the subject back to my Crescent. I have been told by the Evil Authoress (EA) that my Crescent looks a like a half eaten cookie. YEEEESSSSSS!!!! This Sesshoumaru knows what a cookie is! I watch SESAME STREET, TOO! NYAH! The Evil Adulteress, whom I WILL bed shortly, said cookie starts with 'C' and if cookie starts with 'C', then that is good enough for me. This revelation has given my RP to worry as that ravenous, blue-furried, hanyou bastard, the Cookie Monster, may try to EAT my Birth Mark (BM) like one of his half eaten cookies. GRRRR!!!! I do not need to LOSE yet another one of my distinguishing characteristics, LIKE MY LEFT ARM, and nor do I want CRUMBS all over my silken robes. GRRRRRRRR, again! Yes, this Sesshoumaru called that scruffy, vacant, bulgey-eyed, thing a 'hanyou' because he is not fully human and not fully youkai. How else would you describe something with (1) pillow stuffing for brains and ping-pong balls for eyes, that (2) has no innards or (3) no will power whatsoever whilst, (4) having a human hand shoved its ass controlling its every movement making it, (5) go apeshit on, of all things, a plate of cookies??!?!?! No wonder his eyeballs move around so fervently! He's getting FINGERED all the time! Sick, hollow hentai! Hmmmm, this Sesshoumaru has noticed much of these characteristics in Jaken….maybe these two homos are related?

My BM……GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!…….NO! Not BM as in BOWEL MOVEMENT!!! BM as is BIRTH MARK!!!! AARRRGGGHH!!!! You fucking shit heads are pissing my ROYAL PERSON (RP) off YET AGAIN!!!!! Get your heads out of the gutter or I will lop them off with my TEN SHARP CLAWS!!!!!

Authoress: --report cards mysteriously appear in Authoress's hands. looks up at Mr Helium Balloon-- Uh, Sesshou, could ya come down here for a moment and explain something to me. Somehow as if by 'magic' your report cards from Sengoku Jidai High 'mysteriously appeared' in my hands and it looks like you flunked Basic Math class repeatedly. To illustrate:

Question: 2-2 ?

Answer: $6,725.64

Result: X !!!!WRONG!!!! X

Sesshoumaru: --flies towards Authoress and swipes at her-- Give me those!

--Authoress dodges attack. Watches Sesshoumaru fly into a wall.-- !!!!BAM!!!!

Authoress: Oops, my bad!

Sesshoumaru: --Cut to typical scene from Bugs Bunny where drooling tongue hangs out of mouth, stars fly around head, eyes go in circles and character babbles incoherently--

Authoress: --doing bad Tweety imitation-- Awwwww! Da poor lil' puppyhurt himself! I lose more PUPPIES dis way!

Sesshoumaru: --recovering quickly, jumps to feet and makes like Elmer Fudd-- OOOOOO!!!!! You wascally wench! I'm gonna git you now! Pwepare to die! I'm gonna bwast you into smitherweens! And gimme dose weport cards!

Authoress: --looks at Sessh strangely-- Oh-kaaaaaaaay, Elmah, you're a bonified maroon…. Anyhow… WOW!…..Upon closer inspection, your Royal Highness (RH) also flunked Communication class and Grammar class every year, too!

Sesshoumaru: --swipes at her again, except with non-existent left hand-- GRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Authoress: --surprised at getting whapped in the face with silk-- WTF!?!?!? --looks at report card again-- LOGIC! You failed that class as well! Boy, you are DUMB! My nekos are smarter than you.

Sesshoumaru: --holds up right foot-- Dokkassooo! No! Dokken? Ano. Duckass? Duimbass? Drakes Cakes? I'm gonna kick you?!?!?!? AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Authoress: Again, Dokkasou! D-O-K-K-A-S-O-U. --shakes head-- And its your RIGHT HAND, BAKA! --looks at report cards again-- At least there is a D in Conversational Japanese. It appears the only A's you got were in Industrial Arts, Business Management and Gym. Go figure….

Sesshoumaru: AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! You have dogged this Sesshoumaru enough about his edjamacational background!

Authoress: --astonished-- In fact, it looks by these report cards that your graduation date kept getting pushed up year after year. Did you even GRADUATE!?!?!?!?!?

Sesshoumaru: --coming back down to reality, looks away and mutters under his breath-- My Royal Person (RP) is currently going to night school at Sengoku Jidai Community College to earn his GED.

Authoress: No wonder you lost your left arm….

Ahem. Where was this Sesshoumaru? Hai! This Sesshoumaru is now starting to sound like Rin… Whatever. My Royal Birthmark (RB) denotes that I am a Prince and the ruler of the Western Lands. It denotes also that I am the Heir of Chichiue's Legacy, all except for Sou'unga and Tessaiga (Onore! Inuyasha-me!) and the Lord of all I survey, including the tempting authoress… ahem…..I am Inu no Taisho! FEAR ME, otherwise I will BITE you! Bite you like a CRESCENT ROLL! Another object that looks my BM, you damn ningens! And speaking of Crescents, why does that pale, 6 inch youkai, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, claim MY BIRTH MARK as his OWN!??!?! I will POUND his doughy little body into BAGUETTES and HOT CROSS BUNS, and sell them to you unknowing bakas making a ton of BREAD for my RP! EAT IT UP, you carbo-counting freaks!! You will not miss him anyhow…..One less piece of bread to think about Ahem. After all, a Bishounen of my stature KNEADS massive amounts of $$$ to keep his royal appearance. Is it no WONDER I am hotter than a SUNBEAM?! . (A/N: Work with me people. I am SIFTING thru His Highness's bad one liners here…) Whatever! This Sesshoumaru-sama hears that the impudent freak 'shows' himself during his 'commercial appearances'! How dare that exhibitionist of a pudgy, pale, squeaky youkai show himself in a state of total undress on that thing you brain-washed ningens call 'national TV'. Has he no pride? Does he not have a proper kimono to wear? Is he BAKED? Or is he a Betty CROCKer full of shit! Does he think he is HOTTER than this Sesshoumaru? I think not! He has more ROLLS than a BAKERY! If he thinks such, I will have to give him the 3rd DEGREE! I will not go EASY-BAKE on him! My Royal Person is not known for doing a complete 360 on himself! Or is he one of Monkey Boy's incarnations? This Sesshoumaru is also quite surprised that 'finger' has not gone elsewhere during those 'commercials' as it may result in Pillsbury-sama contracting a YEAST infection!

Onto Wish #4: I'm NOT a GIRL, YOU ARE!!!!! (a/n: that's debatable...)