Numbah Quatro

4. I am NOT a Girl! You are!:

My voice is deep and sexy: Deeper and sexier than James Earl Jones's or Darth Vader's, even if they are they same voice. My voice can put you conditioned fans, as in Pavlov's dog……EEERRRRR!!!!!! NOT ME, YOU MORONS!!……The FUCKING DOG!!!! What!?!?!? You think I, THIS SESSHOUMARU, can be TRAINED to play FETCH and get the PAPER?!?!?!?!? GGGGRRRRR!!!!!!! AGAIN, NOT ME! I am A DOG DEMON!! I, this SESSHOUMARU, can TRANSFORM like OPTIMUS PRIME OR VOLTRON OR ROBOTECH!!!!!

Authoress: --cuts off Sesshy. barely holds in laughter-- Hold up! Hold up, Sesshou-sama!! I NEED to say this:

Na-na, Na-na, Duuuuuuude looks like a LADY! Na-na, Na-na, Duuuuuuuuuuude looks like a LADY! (A/N: Aerosmith, ningens!)

--authoress falls to floor laughing in hysterics--

Sesshoumaru: --getting mad, yet again, holds up glowing right hand-- NONI!?!?? DOKKASOU!

Authoress: --gets up from floor, wipes tears from eyes-- Here! You get a gold star for knowing how to spell 'Poison Flower Attack'! --proceeds to smack Sesshou in the head with a gold sticker placed right over his Crescent-- !!!!!SMACK!!!!!

Sesshoumaru: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! --eyes go red, fangs bared, chases Authoress around room--

Authoress: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! --produces dog whistle in mid chase, blows on it--

Sesshoumaru: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! --falls to ground clutching one ear--!!!!THUD!!!!

Authoress: --relieved-- ahhhhhhh…..Back to the rant. Sesshou?

Sesshoumaru: --looks up, doing 'daggers of death' stare-- Bitch!

Authoress: --kneels down staring at him-- Gold really isn't your color….

This simple mutt, as in Inu-ASSHOLE, can not think for itself and is unable to REASON, which this Sesshoumaru can quite capably! My Royal Person (RP) knows how to think outside the CAGE!!!! Ano? WHERE THE FUCK WAS THIS SESSHOUMARU FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME?!?!?! YES, I KNOW I FLUNKED MATH! MUST YOU KEEP REMINDING MY RP?!?!?!? GRRRR!!! My Deep Voice Royale (DVR) can put you habituated fans into a trance like Obi Wan Kenobi's, however, it seems to work best on small, green, screeching reptiles wearing funny clothes. Yes, this Sesshoumaru has seen the 'Star Wars' saga and was not impressed by it. KONO SESSHOUMARUisthe center of the Universe, not that…that… 'Emperor' person. How could he lose all control over all his minions so easily? Was he bound to a tree somewhere in the Degobah System? Why was not the Yoda-thingy his lackey? And why did his katana only run on AAA batteries and not sheer, youkai power? Whatever. It does not matter to this Sesshoumaru-sama as there was no such thing as life after Darth for him, anyhow.

My chest is broad, muscular and flat, even though yours is HEAVING as I, this Sesshoumaru, speak! I do not wear a size quadruple ZZZ brassiere like most hu-MEN do because of a thing called 'man-boobs.' I am not overweight as such said beasts are and at least my NIPPLES are in their proper place and not hanging over my knees. I have a perfect washboard stomach running along my midsection, due to enormous physical effort in KILLING EVERYTHING in my path! This 'washboard stomach' is what you ningens call a 'six pack', which you hu-MEN drink too much of especially during 'Half Time' resulting in a 'beer belly'. YEEEEEESSSSS! I am quite aware of what the 21st century man does for recreation: He sits in his recliner, drinks much Sake, watches the game on his big ass, wide screen TV and becomes like an Irishman (see #10 I Want a New Name)…..a couch POTATO! My Royal Person (RP) knows this for a fact because he has met many a sports widow in his passing, whom he has ravished on occasion……. Ahem. This Sesshoumaru does not have a 'beer belly' hanging over his YU (Youkai Unit) as there are no 'liquor stores' in the Sengoku Jidai, however, I wish there were because I could have the luxury of throwing a glass bottle at my significant other if he/she PISSES ME off! It is a pity that MOONSHINE won't come into existence for another 300 years as I have a constant reminder of the MOON tattooed to my forehead! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I forgot to mention this Sesshoumaru's gluteus maximus is also in its proper place. 'Cellulite' is not in my vocabulary

I am strong and powerful. Kind of like the odor coming from you filthy ningens or a bag of onions or Kikyou or the The Seven Man Team or those damned Nekos or Inu-YADDAYADDA or anyone else in the CAST besides MYSELF! And speaking of powerful…….WTF is THAT SCENT!?!?!?!? It smells like FLOWERS!!!! Oh, no……..Rin!

Rin: Sesshoumaru-sama! Can Rin braid your hair and stick flowers in it, like Rin do in every Fan Fiction story?

Sesshoumaru: NO! Rin, how did you get in here!? What do you want!? I thought I told you to play in traffic.

Rin: --looks up and hands Sesshy something-- Here, Sesshoumaru-sama! It's a holiday. There is no traffic. --contemplates his words-- HEY!? I resent that comment! And I'm sick of referring to myself as 'Rin'! I'm a hell of a lot smarter than these fans take me for.

Sesshoumaru: --takes object. looks confused-- A little black book? What...?

Rin: --acting like the Fonz-- AAAAYYYYYYY! You told me to practice my numbers, so I did.

Sesshoumaru: --flips thru book-- These are phone numbers, Rin, not numbers as in Math.

Rin: Which you flunked, DUMMY!

Sesshoumaru: --looking quite flabbergasted and perturbed puts 2 and 2 together (a/n: wow!)-- Who helped you?

Rin: The Authoress. She told me to get phone numbers from women who want to be my mommy because my 'daddy' was lonely…..and horny……whatever that is. Hey, I'm only NINE! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!? Ano, this Rin didn't know you played the trumpet….

Sesshoumaru: GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Rin: --gets scared, runs behind Authoress for shelter-- eek!

Authoress: Listen, Fluffy, you're getting on my nerves with all this sex talk. I am not interested in dating you. You're like handicapped and stuff, plus you got ISSUES (see #9 Korn Tunes/Therapy). And you scared Rin.

Sesshoumaru: --fuming controllably-- Do…not…call…me….FLUFFY!

Authoress: --looks at Fluffy, points to Rin-- Now I know where SHE gets if from. --continues on-- Anyway, Fluffy-boy, maybe if you weren't so constantly busy being ILLOGICAL like Spock and STUCK UP like a piece of gum and showed us chicks some GRATUITOUS fan shots of your nude body, then maybe you'd get laid.

Sesshoumaru: --defeated-- It is not my Royal Person's (RP) fault I am drawn this way. Marry me…?

Authoress: Ah, NO! Moving on. --looks at Sesshou-- Finish this up, okay? I got a date with Lupin the 3rd.

I still have my all my hair and looks like that supposed Immortal, Dick Clark, minus the surgeries. This Sesshoumaru is glad he does not look like that Black Miko, Joan Rivers. UGH!

Rin: Yup, you look like one of my Barbies or Cross Dressing Ken. Why can't I stick flowers in your hair, Sesshoumaru-sama?????

Sesshoumaru: --stiffens-- Rin, why are you back here?

Rin: I never left! Ya know, Sesshoumaru-sama, you aren't VERY NICE to me! You talk about Naraku being a deadbeat chichiue.

Authoress: Yeah, the kid doesn't have any proper footwear or another set of clothes to wear.

Sesshoumaru: Must I be interrupted on a continual basis by these 2 human females?

Rin and Authoress: We're boycotting Sesshoumaru-sama!!

Sesshoumaru: GOOD! DOKE!!!!!

I am silent and mysterious. Like Hannibal Lechter or Bill Clinton or Under Dog or a even a BOOK!

Authoress: Silent? You haven't shut up once since this fic began.

Rin: Mysterious? I know you talk in your sleep about your encounters with………

Sesshoumaru: --cuts Rin off-- DOKE!!!!!! --turns back on both females-- Ignoring you now! --mutters under breath-- Do what Dr Phil told you to do, Sesshoumaru. Count to 10 and relieve the stress: 1,2,5,8,7,4,6,9,3,10!

Authoress: --whispers to audience-- Between you and me, InuYasha is looking a lot smarter right now.

I am tall, dark and handsome.

Authoress: Ahem. Correction:

I am tall, dark and ........PALE

Sesshoumaru: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!?!??!

Authoress: Tall -- Yes. Handsome –Totally! Dark -- NOT!

Sesshoumaru: I have a tan!

Authoress: Where?

Sesshoumaru: Here. --coolly points to stripes-- They are darker than yesterday.

Authoress: Those don't count! --throws hands up in air and continues her rant-- You're paler than Michael Jackson, fer crissake, and you wear a mostly WHITE kimono!!!! Hullooooo?!?!? If it weren't for the splash of red, you'd look like a GHOST (Patrick Swayze is soooooo HOT) or a VAMPIRE (Mmm, even LeStat is looking good right about now!)! As it stands, you look more like a murdered snowman.

Sesshoumaru: --seething-- Is there nothing about my Royal Person you find attractive?!?!?!?

Authoress: --flustered-- HUH!?..I'd rather not answer that question based on……religious principles!

Sesshoumaru: --strokes chin-- Hmmmmmm……I shall continue now.

I am incredibly stubborn, selfish, rich, rude, stuck up and do not apologize to anyone. Sort of like Martha Stewart, except this Sesshoumaru is not INCARCERATED and being Big Bertha's bitch!! And since my Royal Person (2) flunked math and (1) is always OUTSIDE meandering about Japan killing random youkais, I could never have been convicted of INSIDER TRADING!! Plus, the STOCK MARKET doesn't exist here!!!!!

I do not do house cleaning because I own a PALACE and have servants to do my work, including homework!! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Authoress: --disappointed-- Good looking and stupid. Why can't I ever find a guy who's smart?

Sesshoumaru: --stunned-- You DO find my RP ATTRACTIVE!

Rin: --thrilled-- Sesshoumaru-sama will look great in one of Cross Dressing Ken's low cut wedding dresses!

Authoress: Rin, I'd rather see your 'daddy' naked.

Sesshoumaru: --wide-eyed--

I do not stop for directions: This is what Jaken is for. This Sesshoumaru has tried the 21st century 'MapQuest' thingy to locate Naraku on several occasions and the directions have always lead my RP to PISMO BEACH! I am tired of running into Bugs Bunny!!!!

Authoress: looking around again Speaking of directions, where is that echo coming from?

Rin: --tugs on Authoress's sleeve. points upward-- He's up there again.

Authoress: --peering up at Sesshou-- After that last comment, I don't think he trusts us.

Rin: --ponders-- I want to tie him to a string and fly him like a kite.

Authoress: --proud of herself-- Good girl! I'm rubbing off on you! I think I saw a utility closet back that way. Go nuts.

Rin: HAI!

I keep the lid up on the toilet (see #12 Fire Hydrant). This is mostly so I can get a quick drink after a hard day's worth of killing. You swills would not believe the amazing alcoholic properties of toilet water…..

Sesshoumaru: Noni?!?

--from below, our gravity defying demon can see Rin and the Authoress hauling a 25 ft ladder and a large ball of string from the utility closet. he notices they are both smirking as they place it directly beneath him.--

Authoress: --whispering-- We need something to subdue him.

Rin: --reads last rant-- --whispering also-- Let's test it. One cup of water coming up!

Authoress: --waits for Rin to come back with nasty toilet H2O-- Okay, here goes nothing. --authoress climbs ladder to confront an aggravated taiyoukai a 'peace-offering'--

Rin: I'll hold the ladder.

Sesshoumaru: --untrusting of Authoress, flies away from her-- What do you want Evil One?

Authoress: --bambi eyed-- Aw, c'mon. I just came up to offer you your favorite drink.

Sesshoumaru: --doesn't move, glares at her through red eyes-- gggggrrrrrrrrrrr……

Authoress: Okay. I get it. You don't wanna talk. I'll just leave this here. --places cup of swill on top of ladder and climbs down--

Sesshoumaru: --temptation gets the better of him, flies to ladder when he thinks Authoress safely away from him grabs cup, takes a swig, immediately gets light-headed-- Thith stuff ith ggggooooooooooooooooooooddd!!!!

Rin: --watches exchange between the 2 adults--

Authoress: Gotcha! --grabs right foot, Inu no Taisho offers no resistance, Authoress ties string around foot a few too many times-- 20 ft ceilings, 25 ft ladder, 6 ft youkai means you ain't going anywhere fast!

Rin! Catch! --throws ball of string to Rin--

Rin: YAAAAAAY!!!! Sesshoumaru-sama's a kite!

Sesshoumaru: --reminiscent of Shippou: waves around in breeze-- Wheeee! I'm HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!!!!

Authoress: --comes down from ladder-- Looks like we'll be here for a while until he snaps out of it.

Wish # 5: She Ain't My Step Mudda! Gawdammit. (a/n: coming soon)