Justify
By Timberwolf220
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, comprende?
DEDICATED TO: D-chan. The biggest (and proud of it too) fangirl of the Homura x Goku pairing. She got me hooked onto the pairing in the first place.
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I want a reason. Something, some sign, anything that can explain to me as to why as I was here. Justification, I suppose. A big word for me to use, but it was a word I understood almost all too well. I wish that it meant nothing to me like all the other words I've ever come across. But once learning the meaning of that word, it wasn't so simple to let go.
As to where here was, it was beside you. And watching you die. I don't know how painful it must have felt to you, or whether you were feeling any pain at all. In fact, I'm probably better off not knowing at all. Then I won't feel the guilt, that all-consuming feeling that comes by my bedside every night and haunts my dreams with red-colored drapery.
I want justification. I want truth.
I want to know why this god beside us was dying. Or are you dead already? No, I can still hear your shallow breathing. I clench my fists and force myself to look anywhere but you. Sanzo says nothing, but I can feel those cold eyes on me. They are cold, infinitely colder than the horrid weather of that mountain. Sometimes, I would fool myself and believe that it was never so cold. But at times, it was near to unbearable and I couldn't bear it.
Hakkai and Gojyo don't look away. They look at you with looks akin to pity and sorrow. I wanted to snarl, cry, scream, say, 'He never wanted your pity! Don't look at him that way!'
You never needed anyone's pity. Never needed anyone, it would seem, but me. That dogged search of finding and completing a new paradise, an Eden…Hakkai told me a Christian story once about how the world was created and mankind left Eden due to their arrogance and negligence.
Tell me Homura….did you follow in the footsteps of your ancestors? The humans, I mean, not the other side. And I wonder Homura, what was your idea of Eden? Was it better than what Heaven was contrived to be? Again, with the big words. Nothing else will come out. I want to be myself, but your death just forced me to grow up.
I wanted to grow up. I don't want to be a child anymore. I'm sick of being treated that way. It gets redundant after a while. And even I can only stick to one routine for so long. I am the Earth, solid, unshakable, but I have my moments. When I become the wind that blesses the earth with rain (Sanzo would whack me for saying that) and brushes away ancient autumn leaves down to the ground, an almost silent melody.
You have stopped breathing. Trembling, I reach out a hand and touch your cheek. It was cool and smooth to my touch, so unlike the fiery god with heaven's sacred flames that bathe your being. It's sad to see those flames so quickly subdued. I thought that you had more fight in yourself. I could never reach you! I could never touch you! And now I am, cupping your chin in my hand, so close, so tangible, it made me weep.
And I wanted to say something. The moment demanded it; your presence (though extinguished) demanded it. I just imagine you cocking an eyebrow at me and giving me a silent smirk. It would be your way of approving of me and yet laughing at my actions. Maybe I never truly grew up like I thought I did. Maybe I'm still that child, waiting for someone to come and pick me up.
Perhaps, waiting for you to pick me up. And you did, didn't you? And I, like the errant selfish child I am, I threw your offers away like dust cast out into the evening.
And even then, you still waited for the day I admitted my mistake and you would come to pick me up again. Reverence, awe, love, pity, gods, heretics, earth, heaven, and all that nonsense be damned. They would not been able to stop you.
But I could. And I had.
I'm crying. Sanzo understands, but he nudges me to get it done with, Hakkai looks shocked and Gojyo looks worried. At least, that's what I think they look like. I can't tell. My vision has blurred to the point that the only thing I can see was Homura's face.
"You were supposed to…" I choked down my sobs and tried to control my breathing through deep gulps, "……supposed to…." I can't finish. My nerves have gone down all the way to my knees and I wish, how I sorely wish, that I could finish.
Then I felt myself stiffen and his face was clearer than I ever remembered it to be. The smirk was gone, but there was a smile instead. It seemed strange on him and I believe that smiling was unknown to him as it was to Sanzo. But he was smiling. For at. At me. Just me.
Reverence, love, awe, pity, sorrow, disgust, empathy, forsaken, lost, lost,
Come and pick me up.
I got up, my knees trembling at the sudden shift of weight and as the corridors around us were crumbling, just like you have.
I will never finish my sentence. Because I'm positive I'll see you again. I don't know whether it is Heaven, Hell, Purgatory or simply another parallel altogether. But I will see you again. And then, everything that's ever happened will be justified.
"I want a new world. Come with me Son Goku."
"And what would I get out of this new world?"
"Belonging and more importantly, justification of your existence."
"And you? What will you get out of this new world?"
"Just you."
"Is that enough?"
"Maybe. Maybe not. But that's enough reason for me at the moment."
"…I don't know. I don't know whether I…"
"Then come to me later when you do know."
"Homura…"
"Take your time. I can wait. I'll always wait."
And the tears stopped once I crossed the threshold.
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A/N: Okay, I admit it. I'm a lousy writer and I can't write good Homura x Goku at all. But as an attempt, can you nice authors of at least review and make one pathetic HomuraGoku fangirl happy?
Remember people, reviews help the environment. And all that jazz.