The Phantom of the Opera vs. The Scarlet Pimpernel-Round Two!

Raoul vs. Percy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera or Scarlet Pimpernel or Paradise Kiss or Fushigi Yuugi or 'Puttin' on the Ritz' or cheese or socks or the comic book industry or Marie Antoinette's head. Nyeh.

Maglenan Princess: Marguerite's an awesome character to a parody on. She's an awesome character: she's strong and tough and talented....so of course, I gotta knock her down a few notches. But she gets through this fairly unscathed (wait'll you see what I do to RAOUL...).

Baffled Seraph: Yay! I'm not the only one who doesn't like Christine! And yes, Leontine is the cooler name. But I couldn't give Marguerite Round Two, or else, Round Three would have been pointless. And Lotte means manly? 0.0;;;

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It was a bright, sunny day, and the birds were chirping, the butterflies were fluttering, and small children were smiling with lollipops in hand.

However, inside a certain television studio, the apocalypse had been unleashed.

"WHADDYA MEAN, THE FCC????"

TnF was foaming at the mouth, and some poor intern was about to face the wrath of a she-demon if he didn't come up with something to calm her down.

"Well, miss, you see, after that whole incident with Janet Jackson, the FCC has been extra-cautious towards content on TV......you know, like that whole incident with that 'Desperate Housewives' skit before the football game...."

"BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH US????"

"Well, miss, you have to understand that our last episode was a little bit risqué...."

"It wasn't risqué at all! We planned it out as a FAMILY SHOW, fer cryin' out loud!!!"

"Well, it's not really your fault; it's just that there were some unexpected events..."

Sadly, TnF had to admit that this was true. Between Marguerite's flirtatiousness and Chauvelin's possession of a certain pair of panties (not to mention all that other stuff in between), the whole show had been like a bad sitcom.

Or, even worse, a bad fanfiction.

Written by a hyped-up, insane authoress.

Who's addicted to iced tea and Freecell.

Who's laughing insanely as we speak.

NAH......that could never happen......

Right?

Aaaaaaaaaaanyways, TnF tried to control her growing headache. "But I don't understand....the whole setup is wholesome enough!!!! For goodness sakes, this is Broadway we're talking about! What's more wholesome than Broadway?"

Everyone who had ever seen 'Gypsy' began laughing out loud as soon as she said that. Sadly, this included TnF herself, who couldn't quite understand who or what she was laughing at so hysterically.

When she finished her laughing fit, she faced the bewildered intern. "So what rating did the FCC give our show, anyway?"

"Rating 'X'."

TnF frowned. "I didn't even know that they had a 'X' rating."

"Well, they do, actually, but they only save it for very special cases..."

"Such as?"

"Well, erm, hard-core S-and-M, onscreen executions, and, occasionally, that 'Fear Factor' show....."

"And WE got an X-RATING?????"

"Erm.....yes."

TnF's head began to throb insanely. She couldn't decide whether to throttle the FCC or the intern. Deciding that the FCC was too far away, she settled for the intern.

Luckily for said intern, the voice of an angel (or, rather, the show's director) came onto the loudspeaker. "The show's gonna start in thirty seconds!"

And with that, TnF was off, to be the MC, judge, and authoress all at the same time. And all without losing her cool (snerk). The intern, meanwhile, went to a nearby church to praise God for not having had his vital organs mutilated in a horrific, bloody fashion.

The audience waited patiently for the show to begin. Due to last episode's disastrous results, the monitors had been taken down to prevent the excessive clapping of the previous editing. However, the monitors had not been pleased. They continued to control the audience using their awesome powers of mind-control, which they hoped would help them someday rule the world.

By the time TnF was onstage, the monitors had decided to command the audience to do the chicken dance. And so they did, to the bewilderment of TnF.

TnF, despite this odd occurrence, began the show with a big, eerie smile plastered onto her face. "Welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to our second episode of Musical Matchup: The Phantom of the Opera versus the Scarlet Pimpernel! Today's round is: Raoul Chagny vs. Percy Blakeney!"

And with that, the two aristocrats entered in all of their foppish glory.

((A/N: The words 'fop' and 'foppish' will be used a lot in this story, especially this chapter. And, before I get any complaints, 'fop' is NOT a derogatory word for homosexuals. Its literal meaning is "a man who is excessively concerned with his clothes and appearance". 'Kay? Moving on.)

Percy sat down after waving at the audience politely, while Raoul immediately ran to his chair so he could immediately get back to what he was doing: playing GameBoy. Ah, how Mario amused him. He loved Mario. And Mario loved him. Isn't that riiiiiight, Mario! Yes, you do! Yes, you DO, shnuggy-wuggums!

(Ahem) Sorry 'bout that, Raoul's stupidity is starting to become contagious again...

TnF turned back to the audience. "Now, before our festivities begin, let us bring in our two guest judges for this chapter: they're both foppishly interested in clothing and appearances, and, let's face it, that's what makes me adore them! George, from 'Paradise Kiss', and Hotohori, from 'Fushigi Yuugi'!"

And with that, a blue-haired fashion designer and a long-haired emporer dressed in medieval Chinese garb walked in. The audience became confused and disappointed. Why wasn't this like American Idol, where there were COOL guest judges? Why weren't there any judges like Mark McGrath? They wanted Mark McGrath! Why couldn't they have Mark McGrath?!!

After the highly flamboyant designer and the narcissistic emperor had taken their respective seats, TnF continued announcing. "Alright, for our first round, our two contestants will each perform a musical number from their respective musicals. Each of their songs have to do with heroism and courage, and striving to do good. So, first up, is Sir Percy, with his musical number 'Into the Fire'!"

And with that, TnF took a seat next to the other two judges, and the lights went out, save for a single spotlight in the middle of the stage. Percy, who had been standing in the darkness, stepped into the spotlight and began his song.

"David walked into the valley
with a stone clutched in his hand....
He was only a boy, but he knew
someone must take a stand...

There will always be a valley,
always mountains one must scale.
There will always be perilous waters
which someone must sail!

Into valleys! Into waters!
Into jungles! Into hell!
Let us ride, let us ride home
again with a story to tell!"

The audience was actually interested in this performance. It wasn't Marguerite's, for sure, but, hey it was loud and had a fast tempo. And, let's face it, that was really all that was keeping their interest. Plus, who one earth was this David guy and what did he have to do with anything?

"You can tremble, you can fear it,
but keep your fighting spirit
alive, boys!
Let the shiver of it sting you,
fling into battle! Spring to
your feet, boys!
Never hold back your step for a moment!
Never doubt that your courage will grow!
Hold your head even higher
and into the fire we go!"

Despite their apathy, by the time Percy got to that 'Onward ho' at the end of the song, the audience was inspired. They wanted to go stop the French from cutting off people's heads, too! Dern tootin', they would! Being the apathetic imbeciles that they were, however, they didn't know that the French Reign of Terror had ended over two hundred years ago. As a result, the audience formed a band of renegade soldiers, and began marching off to France, singing 'Do You Hear the People Sing?'.

As a result, for the rest of the show, there was no audience to contend with.

As Percy ended his song, he looked around, confused, wondering where everyone had went. TnF, aware that the cameras were still rolling, immediately took over and pretended that nothing unusual had happened.

"Alrighty, then! That was Sir Percy Blakeney with his rendition of 'Into the Fire'! Now, it's Monsieur le Vicomte's turn! Raoul?"

Raoul barely looked up from his GameBoy. "Wha?"

"Your song. You're supposed to sing your song."

"Huh?"

"You know? For the competition? You and Percy are each supposed to sing a song about heroism and courage."

Raoul shrugged. "Haven't got one of those."

"WHAT?"

"Well, I mean, think of all the songs in the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. Name one time where I get a song all to myself."

TnF thought for a moment and realized that there was, indeed, no song on the PotO soundtrack that Raoul sang by his lonesome. Inwardly, this pleased her.

"Well, don't you know any other songs about heroism and courage?"

"Herring-whatsit and curry-whosem?"

".........okay, do you know any other songs AT ALL?"

Raoul thought for a moment, which caused his brain to strain quite a bit. Then, he struck gold.

"Yes! Yes I do!"

"Good, well, get it ready to sing in about five seconds."

And with that Raoul was off to prepare, and TnF turned back to the cameras. "Well, sorry about that little delay, folks! Now, we present Monsieur Raoul, the Vicomte de Chagny, in his rendition of whatever-song-he-just-picked-in-the-last-ten-seconds!"

And with that, everything was once again plunged into darkness, save for the single spotlight. Raoul stepped into this light, wearing a tuxedo and a top hat, while carrying a cane.

Raoul took a deep breath of air, and then began to sing.

"If you're blue and you don't know

Where to go to why don't you go to where fashion sits

Puttin' on the Ritz!"

And thus began his vaudeville routine.

TnF was dumbfounded that, out of any and all songs that had ever been written, he had chosen a song that had been redone by a guy named 'Taco'. And she was also reminded of a certain movie starring Gene Wilder and Peter Boyle. Good 'ol Mel Brooks.

"Dressed up like a million dollar trouper

Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper

Come let's mix where Rockefellers

Walk with sticks or umbrellas in their mitts

Puttin' on the Ritz!"

And with that, TnF lost all focus and began daydreaming in order to block out Raoul's voice massacring her ears. At the same time, the two guest judges began to bicker amongst themselves, as Hothori tried to kill George with his sword for having played with his hair and mistaking him for a woman. George, however, took this for playfulness and continued to flirt, simply because he was George, and George was he. Besides, gender really wasn't a big issue for him.

As Raoul finished his song, he bowed, then noticed that no one was applauding. He sulked.

TnF snapped out of her daydreams and noticed that he ears were no longer dying of pain and misery. So she turned to her fellow judges, and asked: "Well, what do you think? Should this round go to Raoul or Percy?"

However, George and Hotohori were rather busy, as Hotohori had accidentally punctured George with his sword. George, however, didn't seem to mind, and kept calling it a 'love wound'.

TnF tried to get their attention towards the matter at hand. "You guys? Guys? GUYS!!!!"

They continued to ignore her, until suddenly, she came up with a bright idea.

"RAOUL'S RUNNING AROUND IN HIS UNDERWEAR!!!!!"

And thus began the girlish screams of terror from the two men.

When they finally managed to calm themselves down, as well as remove Hotohori's sword from Raoul's side, they finally turned to the matter at hand: whether or not the victory should go to Raoul or Percy.

"Percy."

And thus ended that.

Despite an enormous tantrum on the part of Raoul.

TnF stood up, turned to the nonexistent audience, and then continued her job as MC. "Now, it's time for Round 2! This would be the part where we'd choose this round's category by getting a suggestion from the audience, but since there is no audience, I get to choose! Nyeh!" She did a quick victory dance, and then continued. "And I choose......um.........erm.......motivation for foppishness! There we go!"

She turned to Raoul and Percy, who were sitting in their chairs in a very ladylike fashion. "So, Raoul, what motivated you to become so foppish?"

Raoul blinked. "I'm foppish?"

"Moving on! Percy, what motivated you to become the fop that you are today?"

Percy answered while smiling blithely and looking rather impish. "Weeeeeellllll, it all started when I got a very odd note at my wedding reception." Somewhere, Marguerite was flinching. "Let's just say it contained some terrible news that implicated my wife in political espionage and concerned one of my friend's losing his head. All that good stuff. Soooo, this sent me into this whole little 'Scarlet Pimpernel' phase where I'd go over to France in disguise with some of my good buddies, and we'd having a rousing good time by keeping people from being publicly executed. But, you know, I didn't exactly want Marguerite to know, since I thought she was a spy and all, so my friends and I, Lud love us, decided that if we acted like girly fops that were only going to France to buy fabrics, no one would ever suspect us of being in cahoots with the Scarlet Pimpernel. It was all in good fun, really."

TnF nodded. "Alright then. Just one question, though."

"Hm?"

"...........how come you're unable to say the words 'Lord' and 'damn'? I mean, I'm not advocating their use as profanity, but you don't seem to able to pronounce them right when you do use them that way."

"What are you talking about?! Of course I can say 'Lud' and 'dem'!"

TnF sighed. "Never mind."

She then turned to the other two judges. "Well? Whaddya guys think? Raoul or Percy?"

She then noticed that the other two judges were gone, and she became confused. Little did she know that George had to be dragged to a hospital by Hotohori after using some rather dirty double entendres in conversation (i.e. "nurses giving injections, then getting some back").

TnF sighed, then turned to the two contestants in order to make her decision. "Alright......now, I know that this decision may seem unfair, but I'll explain myself in a seond.......this round goes to Raoul."

Raoul did not notice. He was playing his GameBoy.

Percy's brow creased. "But WHY?"

"Well, y'see, even though I despise Raoul and would like for you to win against him 3-0, it simply can't be done."

"Why not?"

"Because if I give you this round, too, then everyone will know that you win, and then Round Three is essentially pointless."

"But.....you just told me that you want me to win. And you're the authoress. So that means that I'll probably win, no matter what."

TnF cegan to sputter. "Yeah, well.......erm......you see........uh........erk........STOP RUINING MY LOGIC!!!!!!" Steam shot out from her ears in a rather amusing fashion. She huffed and pouted for a minute. "Well, now maybe I won't let you win. Nyeh." And with that, she proceeded to stick her tongue out at Percy. Percy stuck his tongue out at her. For once, Raoul was not the only person in the room acting extremely childish. This would have been a great moment for him, except that he was too busy playing GameBoy to notice what was going on.

Ten minutes later, Percy and TnF's tongues got tired, so they stopped their juvenile antics. Despite the fact that they had not finished 'nyehing' at each other.

Aaaaaaaanyway, TnF again resumed her duties as MC. "Alright, folks, now it's time for Round Three! For this round, we will which of these two men here is a true fop!!!!! For them to prove their foppish worth, they most come up with something really, really foppish. And I don't mean pedicure foppish.....I mean Carson from 'Queer Eye' foppish."

If the audience were there, they would have gasped out loud.

TnF turned to the two contestants. "Alright....Raoul, you're up first. You have to think up something reeeeeeally foppish."

Raoul thought really, really hard for a second, and it almost made his head burst. But he came up with something. Of course, by that point, ten minutes had passed.

"Ooh! Ooh! I know!"

"Well, good, now go get ready."

And Raoul dashed off.

TnF turned to the imaginary audience. "Alrighty, then! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present: Raoul, the Vicomte de Chagny!"

Raoul appeared onstage, and an all too familiar tune began to play in the background.....

"If you're blue and you don't know

Where to go to why don't you go to where fashion sits

Puttin' on the Ritz!"

It was then that TnF began to scream.

Five minutes later, despite Raoul's musical number being done, TnF was still screaming. By this point, George and Hotohori had returned, and the two of them, accompanied by Percy, were trying to clam TnF down. Raoul had gone back to his GameBoy.

"Make it stop!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!"

Percy tried yelling over her. "It's over, he stopped singing several minutes ago! Dem it all, you'll lose your voice doing this!!!"

"THE RITZ!!!! THAT HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE RITZ!!!!"

"Yeeeeees, darling, we all know that it's terrible, but you don't need to keep screaming over it!"

TnF began to catch her breath, gulping air while glancing about nervously to ensure that Raoul, indeed, had stopped singing. When she was finally certain of this fact, she began to giggle nervously for a moment, and then calm down slightly.

Of course, then George seized the opportunity to slap her ass, and then she returned to her normal psychotic self.

Five minutes and George's third 'love wound' later, TnF had returned to her MC, hoping that the cameras were angled so that no one would notice that the third judge was missing.

"Alrighty, then, that was Raoul Chagny, in his performance of 'Puttin' on the Ritz'.....again. So now, it's Percy Blakeney's turn!" She turned to Percy. "Alright. Do you know how you're going to prove your foppish worth in today's competition."

He nodded. "Yes, I do, but first, I need a man from the audience to help me out."

"Um......the audience is gone. They've been gone for most of today's episode."

"Oh, yes, I forgot about that......" Percy looked around. Hmmm.....there had to be some man here who could help him out! But who?????

It was then that he spotted Hotohori.

"You sir! What's your name?"

"Our name is Hotohori."

"..........I see. Well, would you mind terribly if you helped me out for this one teeeeeeensy little musical number?"

"........we suppose not."

"Very good then!" Percy then cupped his hands around his mouth and called out in a sing-song voice: "Ohhhhh, boooouuuuuunders!"

And thus, Percy's friends (a.k.a. the League of the Scarlet Pimpernel, a.k.a. the bounders) pranced happily onstage. They came bearing fabrics, tape measures, and accessories of all shapes, sizes, colors, and textures.

Percy clapped his hands together gleefully and turned back to Hotohori. "Now, didn't you mention before that you're some sort of a king?"

"We are the emperor of Qu Dong, an ancient Chinese kingdom."

"Ah, well, you certainly don't dress like an emporer."

"Excuse us?"

"Well, shouldn't an emperor be dressing more appropriately to befit his royal station?"

"What do you mean?"

Percy made a tsk-ing noise while taking out a tape measure. "Really, now, you're a member of the royal family.....no, the member of the royal family. And here you are, walking around in your pajamas."

Hotohri's face turned crimson. "I'll have you know that these are fine robes made from fine Japanese silk..."

"Yes, yes, I know, I read the laundry tag. But darling, you simply must learn to keep up with current fashions. Right, bounders?"

The bounders, who had been picking out accessories, nodded and began draping feather boas around Hotohori's shoulders, to Hotohori's horror.

"What're you trying to do, turn us into a peacock????"

And it was then that Percy launched into song.

"Peacocks! Sink me!
Think ye, sir

How those feathered boys love to flaunt their tails!
Stallions!

Zounds, sir!
Hounds, sir, stags!

Of the goosie and the gander, sir

Which gender is the grander, sir?
To render total candor, sir,

The splendor is the male's!"

Hotohori wondered why on earth Percy was singing about the zoo, and what they had to do with those feather boas.

"Wha.....?"

"Now, it is your duty, highness, as the prince of your land, to lead the way in every way, and that includes a good sense of fashion....."

"What?!!!"

Percy ignored him and continued his song as he began to French braid Hotohori's hair.
"Be an example to your sex!"

The bounders, who were taking Hotohori's measurements, joined in.

"Give your boot a dapper strap!"

One of the bounders added: "And it's smarter if your garter has some snap!"

Hotohori was absolutely horrified. How did they know he wore a garter?!! It was supposed to be a secret!!! He'd kill someone for this....

Percy dabbed some blush onto Hotohori's cheeks, then added some lipstick.

"Cravats should be flounced about our necks."

"Let the royal coattails flap!"

"Be bewitching

With some stitching

On your cap!"

"Now drape your cape

And puff your cuff

Embroider those lapels!"

Percy satisfied that his creation was done, stood back and admired his work while continuing with the song.
"Be the king of the beasts in pastels!

La, but someone has to strike a pose

And bear the weight of well-tailored clothes

And that is why the Lud created men!"

And with that, the cong finished. Percy presented Hotohori with a mirror. "Weeeeeeell? What do you think?"

Hotohori ran screaming from the room.

Percy shrugged. "Just not his style, I guess."

TnF applauded. "Well, since George and Hotohori are both gone, I feel proud to announce that I deem Percy the winner of this round!"

The bounders, upon hearing this, began to twitter.

"And that ends today's episode! Join us next time, and we'll have the round you've ALL been waiting for: Erik vs. Chauvelin! Until then, tata!"