Chapter 5: Michelle

I awoke in the dark room still wrapped in Tony's arms. Our fingers were still partially entwined and resting on his chest. I smiled into the darkness. This evening had been unbelievable. Tony had been a lover like none I had ever had in the past. He wasn't in a hurry. He acted like we had forever. He took his time and he was so gentle. And, unless I was totally mistaken, he actually cared that I enjoyed myself. I've never had an orgasm like that before. Now I knew what I was supposed to be feeling all of those times and what I had completely missed out on.

I was so afraid at first and I wondered if he noticed how tense I was. He asked me more than one if I wanted to continue. My emotions were so mixed. I wanted to continue; I wanted to feel his hands on me. I wanted to feel him inside of me. But at the same time, I was afraid of all of those things. I was afraid that he would turn on me; that he would hurt me like I'd been hurt before.

Now I was happy that I trusted him and let him continue. I knew at that moment that I never wanted any other man to ever touch me again. I knew that I wanted to spend my life with him and carry his children. Oh God! Am I being melodramatic or what? This is stupid. You can't have sex with a guy one time and plan your life based on that. Maybe you think that in high school, but I'm too old for that.

I lay silently feeling his warm body against mine. He was breathing slowly and steadily. I guess all that effort had tired him out. I had to stifle a small laugh. He had been so turned on. The way he groaned just made me crazy. Part of me wanted to wake him up and make love again but he was sleeping so peacefully that I decided not to disturb him.

He had treated me so beautifully. I didn't want to think about it, but how could I help thinking about the men in my past. It was so obvious to me now how little they cared for me. At the time I just thought that was the way things were supposed to be. I never dreamed that a man could make me feel like Tony did. Most of them weren't being malicious. They were young and pretty much just concerned with their own wants and needs. We're all selfish at that age. I was no different. I wasn't really in those relationships to please the guy. I was in them so that I could enjoy myself. The difference was that I did care about them and I took the time to try and give them pleasure in hopes that they would reciprocate.

That explained my college boyfriends, but it didn't explain Brent. I tried not to think of him, but my mind was overwhelmed by the thoughts and images. The pain of that night suddenly hit me like a train. I had thought about it just a few hours earlier when I was getting dressed and it didn't bother me as much as it did right now. Suddenly all of the loving tenderness that Tony had shown me was overshadowed by the torture that Brent had put me though over a year ago. Now I remembered his ugly words, "Do you think other men are going to be interested in you after this? You're used goods, Baby. No man wants you in his bed anymore."

I could feel tears sting my eyes and even in the dark room I could tell that my vision was blurred by tears. Brent was clear about it. I was used goods. I wasn't good enough for Tony and I knew it. I didn't deserve the love he had shown me earlier. I felt a quiet sob come up from my stomach. Tony must have felt it, too because he stirred slightly. I bit hard on my lip to control myself. I carefully rolled away from Tony to the edge of the queen-size bed and then I buried my face in the pillow to silence my sobs. Again Tony stirred for a second when I moved but drifted back to sleep. I thought about getting out of bed and going out to his living room to get myself under control, but the thought of being that far away from Tony right now was unbearable. I wanted to be able to know that he was near me.

I'm not sure how long I cried, I got lost in my own thoughts. I was startled when Tony gently touched my shoulder.

"Babe, what's wrong?" he asked. His body wasn't touching mine, but it was so close that I could feel the warmth. "Oh, Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. Did I hurt you? Baby, I never meant to hurt you. I didn't mean to force you into something you didn't want to do."

"Oh, Tony," I whispered back. How could he possibly think he hurt me? He made me the happiest woman on earth. I turned over and put my arms around him. "You didn't hurt me. You were incredible."

Tony wiped tears from my face. "I don't know why I'm crying. I guess I just never realized that a man could be so good to me, could make me feel like I do right now. I never imagined that I could be so in love and have that love returned."

"I always want you to feel that way, Sweetheart," he said as he looked into my eyes and then kissed me. His arms felt warm and safe and I never wanted that feeling to end.

I sighed quietly. I couldn't hide it from him; he had to know about Brent. I hoped beyond hope that Brent was wrong, that Tony would still care for me once he knew about my past. But even if he didn't, I would always have tonight as a sweet memory. I turned over so that my back was to Tony. I couldn't look at him when I told him this story. I didn't want to see the look of disgust that I feared would cross his face. He curled up against me and put his arm around me so our naked bodies pressed tightly together.

I took a deep breath and told him everything. The only details I left out were Brent's name and his speech about my being "used goods". I made sure that I mentioned that he no longer worked at Division, which was true. He left Division about six months after I did and transferred to District. I didn't want Tony to wonder every time he talked to someone at Division if he was the one.

I was barely able to control myself and at times I was crying so hard that I had to stop and get my breath. Tony was so sweet. At one point, he told me that I didn't have to continue, but I did. I needed for him to know. If we had any chance of a relationship, I had to be honest with him.

He continued to hold me after I finished telling him all that had happened. He kissed me gently. "I'm so sorry, Baby," he whispered. "No one should ever have to go through that. You should have reported it. How could anyone ever treat you that way? I promise you, Michelle, I will never hurt you."

We lay close together for a long time staring into the darkness, neither of us able to sleep. I felt my eyes getting heavy as the sun started to just break over the horizon. Tony's breathing was already steady and quiet, so I knew he was sleeping. He had been so sweet. He told me that he wouldn't hurt me, but I knew that it was a hollow promise. I thought about getting up and getting dressed and leaving, but decided to allow myself a little more time locked in his arms before morning came and the reality that he didn't want me any more hit with full force.

I awoke later to the warm sun on my face. I was a little disoriented and it took me a second to get my bearings. My apartment didn't get that much sun in the morning. As I opened my eyes and squinted against the light, I remembered everything. I rolled over to look, but Tony wasn't in bed. I really didn't expect him to be, but it hurt anyway. I looked at the clock. It was 10:30! I can't believe I slept this long.

My face still felt puffy from crying and I was just embarrassed by everything that had happened. I had totally thrown myself at him last night. Was I out of my mind? Why did I ever think this would work? I just had sex with my boss! Jesus Christ, what was I thinking? I needed to get out of here and minimize the damage. We had to work together again starting tomorrow. I looked over the edge of the bed for my clothes. They were strewn along the side of the bed still in a pile with Tony's. I could probably reach my panties and bra and camisole without getting out of bed. I could put those on under the covers.

I was about to do that when Tony appeared in the doorway. "Hey, sleepyhead," he smiled. He was wearing a pair of lounge pants and some slippers. His chest was bare and I couldn't help but notice how muscular he was.

"I was hoping you were still asleep, so I could kiss you until you woke up," he said. He set a coffee carafe and two mugs on the nightstand. He sat down on the bed and reached over to touch my face. "You're beautiful when you sleep. Do you know that? I just laid here and watched you for a long time. It was wonderful. You looked so peaceful."

He stared at me as he caressed my face. I didn't know what to think. Was he just dumping me gently? It figures that he would be that sweet. He was going to make some woman a wonderful husband some day.

"Are you ready for some coffee?" he asked as he poured. "I know you take cream. I'll be right back with that and some breakfast." He opened his closet door and took out a Cubs jersey. "Here," he said. "If you want to put something on, this should be comfortable."

He left the room humming softly and I was completely bewildered. I slipped the Cubs jersey over my head and got up to go into the bathroom. I looked into the mirror and winced. There was a reason my face felt puffy; it was puffy. My eyes were red and bloodshot. Not to mention that the make up I never took off before we fell into bed last night was streaky. I found a washcloth and turned on the cold water. I pressed the icy cloth to my face and thought I might have actually heard it sizzle. Once I passed the initial shock, it felt good. I washed my face and then wondered what I might do with my hair. The clip that I had in last light was somewhere out in the living room. Tony's comb and brush were sitting on the counter, so I grabbed the brush and ran it quickly through my hair. Then I took the comb and made a French braid. I held the end and walked out to the living room where my purse sat. I knew I had a ponytail holder somewhere in the bottom. I could hear Tony in the kitchen singing some song that he only knew about 50 of the words. I could also smell a wonderful aroma making its was through the apartment. Once my hair was fixed, I decided to walk out to the kitchen.

"Wow," I said as I looked at the room that had been so clean last night. There were pans and dishes everywhere. "You've been busy."

"Hey," Tony said, "you're supposed to be in bed. Now get back there so I can surprise you." He took my shoulders and turned me around, then he put his hand in the middle of my back and pushed gently. "Here's the cream. Get started on your coffee. Now, go!" he said emphatically. "I'll just be a couple of minutes."

I walked back to the bedroom and sat down on the bed. I've been dumped before, but never this nicely. I slipped back under the covers with my coffee mug not quite sure what to do next. I decided to just enjoy this cup of coffee and the breakfast that Tony had obviously spent some time preparing and then I would go home. I had this funny feeling that it was going to be a lost day. I was probably going to cry until I got sick. How could I possibly have done something this stupid? How could I mess up a friendship like this? What was I thinking when I told my boss that I wanted to make love to him? Michelle, this isn't a game and you're not a child. You're almost 30 years old, I told myself.

Tony came into the room carrying a tray balanced on his shoulder like a waiter. I guess he had spent some time waiting tables when he was younger. He set the tray near the bottom of the bed. "Don't move," he warned me as he left the room. He came back carrying two bed trays. He set one in front of me and proceeded to set a place setting of silverware and a napkin on it. That was followed by a wine glass filled with orange juice, a small dish of fresh fruit and a plate with a steaming omelet, bacon and home fries and two slices of wheat toast.

He took a bottle of champagne from the tray. He popped the cork and added champagne to the orange juice to make a "Mimosa". Finally satisfied that I had everything I needed in front of me, he put the same items on his own tray and then carefully slipped into bed without spilling anything.

"Tony, this is incredible," I told him. "You didn't have to go to all of this trouble."

"It wasn't any trouble. I love to cook and I love to have someone to cook for." He picked up his wine glass and held it out toward me. I followed his lead. "To the most wonderful night of my life, with the most beautiful and sensuous woman I have ever met," he said as he clinked his glass against mine.

I looked down and bit my lip not sure what to say. I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I never had much in the way of self esteem, and any that I had was destroyed when Brent raped me. This was all just too good to be true and I knew it.

The food was wonderful and I was famished. I ate slowly savoring every bite. We made a little inconsequential conversation, mostly talking about the food and how bright and sunny it was outside. Tony finished before I did and he took his tray to the kitchen. By the time he got back I was finished with everything but my Mimosa, so he took my tray as well. Then he came back and poured himself another drink before he got back into bed.

I had almost finished my Mimosa. Tony reached for the orange juice pitcher that he set on the floor. "Here," he said as he started to pour. "Let me make you another one."

"No, Tony, I'm fine," I told him. "This was so wonderful. I will never forget last night or this morning. You've been so sweet to me. Thank you for everything." I knew there were tears in my eyes and I tried to blink them away.

Tony looked at me, his brow furrowed in confusion. "Michelle, are you… are you saying 'goodbye'?"

I smiled and looked away as the first tears started to fall. "Oh, Tony, stop!" I said. "After what I told you last night, I know you don't want me. I understand. I'm not angry with you and you have every right to be angry with me. What I did to you was wrong. I never meant to let this happen. I never meant for us to end up in bed. I just lost control…I'm sorry. I'll get dressed and leave. We'll just pretend this didn't happen. I'll never tell anyone, I promise. If you would like me to put in for a transfer the next time a position that I'm qualified for comes up, I'll do it."

I started to get up, but Tony pulled me back into the bed. He turned me to face him and took my hands in his.

"Do you think that I don't care about you because some bastard assaulted you?"

"Look, Tony," I said shaking my head. "I don't blame you. I understand how that must look to you."

"No, obviously you don't," he told me. "Michelle, if you tell me who he is, I'll kill him. He had no right to hurt you. If he had beaten you up and left you on the floor, you wouldn't blame yourself and you would have called the police. But instead, he raped you and you think it was your fault and the son of a bitch got away with it. Honey, that breaks my heart. It doesn't make you less desirable to me. After all you've been through, I'm just grateful that you could trust me enough to let me make love to you." He pulled me into his arms.

"My record with women isn't exactly stellar," he said. "I was sleeping with a murderer and a double agent. Maybe you should reconsider whether I'm good enough for you."

"Don't say that, Tony. You're everything I've ever wanted. Nina fooled everyone, it wasn't just you. You shouldn't feel guilty about that relationship."

"How about if we both forget our pasts and start looking toward the future." He kissed the tip of my nose and smiled. "Now I understand why you were so tense when we started out. I wish I had known. I would have taken it slower and made sure you were comfortable."

"Tony, everything you did was perfect. I told you already, no man has ever made me feel that good."

"I'm glad," he said with a slight smile. "If you'll let me, I'd like to do it again. I love you, Michelle. I suppose I've loved you almost since the moment I met you, but I wouldn't admit it to myself. Last night just confirmed what I've known for a long time, that you are the most special woman that has ever come into my life.

We fell back onto the bed kissing and caressing. We spent most of the day making love either in bed or in the shower and finally on the sofa in the living room.

We spent that night at my apartment then went into work separately the next morning. We didn't want anyone to see us come in together. We didn't live anywhere near each other and if we came in together there wouldn't be any way to explain it. The rumor mill would start in earnest. No, this is going to be our little secret for as long as we could keep it that way. It's so special and it's just between us. That's the way I want it. I suppose someday we'll have to tell them, but for now, let everyone keep guessing.

I had planned to end the story here, but a couple of you asked what Tony was going to do about Brent. I thought it over and decided that maybe Tony should meet Brent. The ensuing fireworks could be interesting…so keep reading.