Do I Still Love You?
Disclaimer: Characters not property of author of fanfic. Fic written in British English.
Summary: When confronted with what he wanted most, Can Harry take it? Does he still want it? He reflects on five years of life without it.
She said them, the words I wanted to hear five years ago. She stands there waiting for me to reply, her eyes glistening, a hopeful expression on her face. I look at her now, is she still the one who makes my heart race? Is she the one I could live for? The one that would live for me?
I know the answer to the last one, she lives for no one but herself, her choices, her life and damn anyone else who gets in the way. Some people learn compromise as they grow up, she forgot it. I still remember the day she left me.
Flashback-
"I can't, Harry, I want to live and be free" she said, pleading me to understand after arguing for twenty minutes, "you are just too familiar, too comfortable"
'Great, I'm too comfortable' I thought, 'I thought women wanted someone who would understand and support them'
"I want to find myself out there"
The words kept coming, she kept trying to reason why she couldn't be with me, but the one thing I realised was everything was about her, she didn't care about how it affected me, how it affected other people as she told me what she wanted.
"Goodbye, Harry" and with that she walked away.
End Flashback-
For five years, she barely spoke to me, only at functions in the Ministry and the World Wizarding Community. Even then it seemed only to show off her latest boyfriend, to display that she could get what she wanted and in her words, "didn't have to settle" for me. Or it was to say what great job she had gotten now. Funny, out of all our friends, we once thought Ron or I would have trouble keeping a steady job. Funny that now I think about it.
As she stands there I begin to think what the rest of us have done in five years, Ron decided fighting wasn't for him. Don't get me wrong, he is no coward but after the fall of Voldemort, he decided that he would be better doing something else. He found something, something he loves, he's a Quidditch coach for youth teams. Keeps him busy all year round, he gets to play and watch the game he loves. You can see it in the kids eyes when they listen to him talk about it, they love it because he loves it. Four years now he has worked at that, the Weasley Quidditch Academy now has children from as young as five up to eighteen attending it. Professional players seem to find time in their busy lives to come along and help him out or get him tickets for prizes in the tournaments he runs.
Neville, once so clumsy and forgetful, is now a successful Herbologist with his own nursery in Hogsmeade. Even Snape, however reluctantly admits that Neville is brilliant at cultivating and caring for even the most difficult of plants for use in the Wizarding World. Neville has been asked to speak at Herbology conferences for the last two years for his work in regenerating lost plant species and is frequently a guest teacher at Hogwarts.
Her words hang in the air, her hope seeming to dim slightly as I stand there, I can hear that the noise in the living room has ceased as they listen to what I will say.
Of course, we can't forget Luna. Once called Looney Luna by so many, she is now one of the most respected and youngest members of the Wizengamot. Her reforms in race relations, the justice system and general wizarding life have made our world a far better place. She works closely with the Weasley family in many areas and isn't adverse to testing the Twins merchandise on other members of the Wizengamot, something which the conservative element of society frowns upon, but I find totally in character for her.
As for myself, I found myself recruited to the Unspeakables, I'm not allowed to talk about it much but I frequently work with the Auror corps. I'm not the most cerebral of my team but probably I'm the most feared wizard in the world due to my defeat of Voldemort and mastery of the Lost Magics. I tend to beat things to a pulp before letting others ask questions. I'm unorthodox in my work and wouldn't fit as an Auror but the Unspeakables value this eccentricity and pay me well.
What has she done, bounced around from job to job, one high paid post to another, leaving them as soon as she gets bored. Rumours around the Ministry are such that she will never be offered another position in the British Ministry due to her unreliability. Funny how people change, once she was the picture of reliability, now people don't recognise her.
She's not only missed out on our work lives but our personal lives as well. Admittedly I don't really have much of one, my work and her rejection of me five years ago somewhat scared me away from the whole scene but I have a healthly interest and presence in the lives of my friends and family. Ron is married to Lavender Brown, now Weasley and has a two year old son Charlie, after his fallen brother, and a year old daughter Ariel after Lavender's grandmother. The two children have me wrapped around their little fingers and both Lavender and Ron joke that the kids miss me more than them when we go out leaving them with Grandma and Grandpa Weasley.
The twins are both married, almost giving their parents heart attacks when they got the news. Their wives are a pair of French sisters, not twins, but more than enough to keep the energetic twins in line.
Ginny and Neville are engaged, Ginny is just finishing her Healer training and the wedding will be after her first year of residency. Almost everyone thought Neville would be too meek for the firebrand Ginny, but I knew Neville has a backbone of steel but was flexible enough to cope with her.
I look at her now, I can't see the lovely, brilliant witch I fell in love with all those years ago. Her eyes seem fake, her smile no longer lights up my heart. I think after the string of boyfriends she practically rubbed in my face, my friends thought she was being unthoughtful and Ginny thought she was downright cruel. The first few were not too bad, Seamus, Terry Boot and Justin were all good guys although they looked a bit uncomfortable as she showed them off. Then her tastes changed and we couldn't believe it when she showed up with Draco Malfoy, who escaped prison on technicalities after the Fall. I couldn't believe it, Malfoy, the muggle hater and her tormentor for seven years of school. Not only did she turn up with him, but she was engaged to him. I left that night quickly, so did my friends, they claim they had other reasons though. The engagement fell through, maybe something to do with the fact Malfoy ended up in prison after raping a 12 year old witch. Unfortunately, the team that caught him was my team as we were attempting to take down a summoned daemon. The daemon was taken down and Malfoy arrested. She had the gall to accuse me of framing him to get back at her. Her furious shouts and screams attracted quite a crowd until my second in command, a woman called Natalia grabbed the smaller witch and took her to witness the interrogation of Malfoy. No doubt was left he was guilty. He was stripped of his magic and imprisoned for life. After Malfoy, it got worse until nothing was heard from her for six months.
Now she had turned up on my doorstep as we celebrated little Ariel's birthday, expecting me to take her in with the lame, "I love you"
She looked run down, her hair matted, her clothes looked shoddy. I could see her intelligence, I could she her thinking that I was the same person I once was, the one she could manipulate and discard at will. Her mind was an open book to me, no pun intended. I could see her thoughts, how she had run out of options for employment, how her suitors had left her. How she thought that I would be her path back.
After a few minutes of silence I spoke, "Once I thought you would be one of the greatest witches to ever live, that your name would be spoken like Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, or be remembered like McGonagall or Lichesfield. You may have done great things, but you are no great witch. They lived the life, you threw it away. They could hold their heads proud, they lived as they spoke, did you?"
She looked at me shocked, her mouth opening and closing as if she couldn't find the words.
"Five years ago, you turned me down, outright then turned around and rubbed it all in my face. It was your life, your choices and only you mattered. Well grow up, no one lives alone, life is interconnected, our choices affect not only ourselves but our family and friends. Do you know how you hurt everyone? How Ron was distraught that you never attended his wedding, or his kids naming ceremonies? How Ginny cried when you didn't come to her engagement party? How you rebuff everyone who even remotely criticises you? People need each other, people need to weight how their actions affect others not just themselves."
I paused to regain my breath.
"Five years ago, I offered you my heart, I would have bent over backwards for you. Now you come back after five years of hurt, five years you ignored my..our friends and family. And expect that with three little words, everything is forgiven and we can start a life together. Do you remember what you said to me the day Malfoy was arrested, you believed Malfoy over me? Our enemy?"
"No, Hermione, you say you love me but you don't. That's not what life has in store for us."
Slowly I turned and entered the house, a tear worked its way down my cheek, a single tear for a dream lost. I heard her curse at me under her breath, then she was gone.
Good things come to those who wait but some dreams never get a chance.