A/N: Well, here's chapter five. This one is pretty long so I really hope that you like it. Leave me a review and let me know… I like reviews; they make my day!

Listen to your heart

Chapter five: Getting to know me

It's seven o'clock when I finally walk out of the ER, eager to get home. I want to shower before Jake comes over because I don't think he finds me very attractive when I smell like vomit. As I reach the El platform I see my train waiting, so I hurry to find a seat. I sit for a good 2 seconds before it moves. I lean back, closing my eyes for a second. It's been a long day and I'm looking forward to Jake coming over. I made the conscious decision that I want to be happy, just the way I am. So I'm going to tell Jake everything there is about me and then he can either run away or take me as I am. I don't want any baggage in this relationship and I'm going to tell him that. I just have to figure out how.

I'm shaken out of my reverie as the train stops suddenly. I look out the window and see that it's my stop already. Trains always go faster when you're not paying attention. I grab my bag and step out of the train, feeling a cold breeze blowing through my hair. It's supposed to drop below zero again tonight. I hate the winter and I just can't wait for it to be summer again. I pull my scarf up over my nose and walk the rest of the way quickly.

I open the door with my frozen fingers. I make a mental note to never forget my gloves ever again. I walk directly into the bedroom, dumping my bag on the chair in the room and then I take my coat of and throw it on top of the bag. I really want to get into a hot shower right now. I'll put those away properly when I'm done. I discharge all my clothes in the way to the bathroom and I'm ready to jump into the shower when I here my cell phone ring. I sigh and put on a bathrobe and quickly walk back into my bedroom. I put my coat aside and dig into my bag, of course finding my cell on the bottom of it. It brings a smile to face when I see it's Jake who's calling.

'Hey' I answer cheery

'Hey Abby, are you home yet?'

'Yeah, I was just getting in the shower'

'Owh, I'm sorry. It's just that I'm going to be a little later. Dubenko wants to talk to me and I couldn't get out of it'

'Owh doesn't matter. Now I can take an extra long shower' I say, although feeling a little bit disappointed.

'I'll bring Chinese to make it up to you okay?' he says.

'Yeah, that would be great Jake' I say, smiling a little bit. I can tell he feels bad for running late.

'Okay great, see you around 9 then'

'Yeah see you, bye' I say, clicking my phone shut. Throwing it on my bed I make my way into the bathroom again and I finally step in the shower, letting the warm water run over my body. This feels so good. I take a deep breath before stepping under the water completely.

About fifteen minutes later I feel totally fresh and clean again, so I turn the shower off and get out from under it. I dry myself of and walk into my closet looking for something to wear. At first I want to dress up a little bit, but then I realize we're just going to be hanging out here and that we're going to have a long talk tonight, so that I might as well wear something I feel comfortable in. And it's not as if he hasn't seen me in my house clothes before while he was over here watching a movie. So I decide to go with my black pajama bottoms and a grey oversized North Western sweater I'd once borrowed from Carter and never given back, so I consider it mine now.

I walk into the living room cleaning up little bit before Jake gets here. I check the clock and see that it's only eight o'clock. I have one more hour to kill. Well, maybe that's a good thing. Now I have the time to prepare what I'm going to say. I make some tea for myself and crash down on the couch, feeling how tired my legs really are. I lean my head back closing my eyes for a second, gathering my thoughts.

I'm startled when I hear a knock on the door. I look at the clock seeing it's already past nine. I guess I fell asleep. When I hear the knocking getting louder, I quickly get up and walk towards the door. I stop as I pass a mirror, fixing my hair a little bit.

'Abby, are you there?'

'Yeah, I'm coming' I say, finally opening the door.

'Didn't you hear me knocking? I've been banging on your door for two minutes'

'Yeah sorry, I… fell asleep' I say a little embarrassed. 'I guess I was more tired then I thought'

'Do you want me to come another time?'

'Owh no, I didn't mean that. I'm up now, I'm good! Please come in!' I say, urging him in, really don't wanting him to leave.

'Okay okay, I'm in!' he laughs, and I realize I'm still tugging on his arm.

'Sorry about that' I say giddy. I think I'm a little nervous. Owh my God, I think to myself. If this is any indication of how tonight is gonna go, it's going to be a long night. It's then that I see the big bag Jake is carrying.

'How much food did you bring?' I mock him.

'Better to be safe then sorry' he says, putting the bag in the kitchen and taking of his coat.

'So, where are we eating?' he asks.

'Living room' I say, as I take the bag and put it on the table. I see in an instant that he has bought way too much. Two people could probably eat from this for a week or so. Jake sees the look on my face as he walks into the room with two wineglasses in his hand.

'I didn't know what you were in the mood for, so I bought a lot of different things'

'Yeah, I can see that' I say smiling.

Jake blushes. It's adorable really.

'It's great Jake. It looks delicious' I say.

'Well I hope so. It sure cost me enough' he responds, winking.

I'm glad the mood is light between us. It makes it easier to talk about things. I decide that I better get it over with. So as soon as we sit and both have chosen what we're going to eat first I begin, noticing I'm a little more nervous then I thought I would be.

'Jake, remember when I said I hoped we could talk tonight?'

'Yeah, I do. I was glad you said that, because there are some things I'd like to say too'

'Okay, well, it's not very easy for me, so is it okay if I go first?'

'Yeah sure, let me just get something to drink okay?'

I nod nervously. This is so stupid. I shouldn't be nervous. Jake stands up and is back a few seconds later with a bottle of wine in his hands. He sits back down, smiles at me and pours two glasses of red wine, handing me one.

'Okay, go ahead' he says smiling.

'Okay' I say, taking a deep breath. Just say it already! 'I want to tell you everything there is to know about me' I flap out.

Jake looks at me flabbergasted. Okay, I think I just scared him.

'Let me explain' I say quickly. Jake nods.

'I've been in a few relationships which, obviously, didn't work out. In some cases it was the lack of love, in another there was maybe too much love, if that's possible, but even more baggage. I don't want something like that to happen again. I couldn't be myself in those relationships and I don't want that to happen again. It takes too much energy from me to go through that again. So,' I say, looking at him, 'I want to tell you everything important there is to know about me and then let you decide what you want to do. I won't blame you if you walk away, I promise. I just want you to know what you can expect from me'

I look at Jake who sits there, staring at me. I'm beginning to doubt whether or not I did the right thing, but then Jake reaches over the table and grabs my hand.

'I'm really happy to hear that Abby. I want to get to know you and I promise, I won't run away'

'Thanks' I whisper, touched by his words.

'So' Jake says, leaving room for me to continue, or start, really.

'Okay, I don't really know where to begin, so I guess I'll start with this' I say, pointing at the wine.

'You don't like red wine?' he asks while raising his eyebrow.

'No' I say. 'I can't drink it. I'm in AA'

'Really?' Jake asks. I guess he didn't expect that. I nod.

'I've been sober for almost two years now, but before that it was six years. I had a small relapse about three years ago'

'Why did you become an alcoholic?' Jake asks

'Well, for a number of reasons I think. I mean, it doesn't happen over night. Do you remember the guy from yesterday, Richard?'

Jake nods, while taking a bite of his egg roll.

'That's my ex-husband. We we're married for a couple of years, but it didn't really work out. There was no love. I mean, there was in the beginning, but then we started fighting and he couldn't take me anymore and I couldn't take him anymore. I think that the main reason all our trouble started was because of my mother' I look away now. Maggie is not something I like to talk about much, though she is doing okay now.

'Your mother?' Jake asks.

'Yeah, Maggie. She's bipolar and most of the time she didn't want to take her meds, so I had to drop everything and go over to her and help her. A few years ago I found out my brother has it also. They're both good now. They live together in Minnesota and they're both on there meds, but it wasn't always like that. Because I was away a lot caring for Maggie Richard and I grew apart. I couldn't take it anymore and started drinking. I also had an abortion while I was with him. I never told him I was pregnant. By that time I had decided we would never last and I didn't want to raise a child with him, and I was afraid of raising a child alone that had the possibility of being bipolar. But, as I said, I never told him. For me however it was sort of the last drop. It made me take a pretty hard look at my life and I decided I didn't want to live like this anymore' I look at Jake, who sits across from me, taking all the information in.

'So, I guess he was one of the relationships that went wrong because the lack of love…' he says, kind of going around the details. I think he thinks I don't want to talk about it too much just yet.

I nod.

'What about the one with too much love and too much baggage…'

'Well, when I came to County about 5 years ago, I went out with Luka'

'Kovac?'

'The one and only. I didn't really love him and he didn't love me. It was more for safety. We were both lonely and it's better to cope with loneliness when you're together'

'That is one weird statement,' Jake laughs. 'but true, I guess'

'Yeah well, we didn't communicate, so if I wanted to talk I went to Carter and when he needed to talk he came to me. We became very close friends and slowly we became more then friends. We really understood each other and we could communicate without words. Luka noticed it too and when we broke up he told me that Carter could have me. It took us about a year after that to get together'

'What happened?'

'A lot of things. It was great in the beginning but then my brother was diagnosed with the same disease as my mom and that's when everything became complicated. But it really went wrong when Carters grandmother died and I had to tend to my brother who needed me at the same time. I tried to be there for Carter but I also had to be there for my brother who had disappeared for a while and finally called me that he was alive. I went to Carter later but when my brother fell into the grave of his grandmother, I think that really was the end. That was about all he could take from me and my crazy family and I can't say I blame him'

'You can't?'

'No, I understand it. He almost proposed to me. Well, he actually proposed to me on the roof of the hospital shouting it over a helicopter, but when we went to dinner the next evening he had a ring but he didn't propose. I was hurt at first but I guess it was the right decision. We wouldn't have lasted' I sigh. 'Which is why I'm telling you all this. Now you know a lot about my crazy history and it's up to you whether you stay or run. I told Carter to run and he did, I won't blame you if you do the same'

Jake smiles at me.

'I don't really know him, but I think that Carter is one big idiot'

'You think?' I ask, smiling a relieved smile.

'No, I know actually' Jake says, standing up. He reaches his hand out for me and I take it. He pulls me up and here we stand in my living room, amidst a lot of Chinese food, my hands in his, and it feels great.

'Abby' he says, trying to make eye-contact with me. I look into his eyes and see a little sparkle.

'Thank you for telling me all this' he says. 'And I promise you, I won't run away'

I smile at that. I really feel happy now.

'Thank you, I'm glad' I say, and I lean up and kiss him. He pulls me closer to him and soon deepens the kiss. I wrap my arms around his neck and as he lifts me up I wrap my legs around his waist. I feel his hands on my lower back and in my hair. This feels so great. I pull away for a second, looking him in the eyes.

'You know, we could go to my bedroom' I say.

'Do you want to?' he asks me.

'I want to if you want to' I say smiling. And before I know it he carries me to my bedroom and as I pull the door shut behind us, I realize this is the happiest I've been in a long time.

A/N: I didn't want to make the conversation too sentimental. I hope it was alright this way..