Sunrise
Raging Tree Trunk's A/N: Hello. I am sorry to say, Staccato has finally drawn to a close sniffs we've had fun, unleashed our imaginations and tried to set our souls free but the damn things keep hanging on! -Get off already- anyway; this is the end of this chapter of Lister's life. Sadly towards the end we couldn't commit as much to this story as it deserved as per school commitments but we'll be back on track someday (HA) Enjoy. We've had fun. Hope you have too, love, kisses and huggles.
Raging tree trunk
"PAN FRIED NOODLES!"
That was the call that woke Lister up early Tuesday morning, in his quarters by fellow crewmate Arnold. J. Rimmer.
The reason for his rant so early on in the morning was largely based on the fact that Cat had ordered a fish supper from Vending machine 12A but instead received 10 tonnes worth of compressed pan fried noodles.
Rimmer was not a happy bunny…in fact he was about as happy as a bunny that'd had all 4 feet chopped off to make lucky charms.
"10 TONNES LISTER! 10 TONNES! THE SCUTTERS HAVE BLOWN THEIR CIRCUITS UNDER A CODE BLUE THANKS TO YOU! NOODLES DECORATING THE CORRIDOR FOR MILES YOU INCOMPITANT GIT!"
Lister groaned and rubbed his eyes "what's the problem?" he asked sleepily.
Rimmer stared blankly into the abyss, "Noodles…. Everywhere…so many noodles…." He muttered frantically. Lister raised a skeptical eyebrow,
"Yeah, noodles are fine for brekkie thanks."
Rimmer scowled furiously, "I'm glad you find this so amusing Listy Poo's but I suggest you take a look at Blue Corridor 3! Which is in fact, knee smeggin-deep in smegging noodles?"
Lister turned over facing the wall of his bunk, "I still don't see what the problem is here"
"The smeggin problem, Lister. Is that if we want to get to the other side of the smeggin ship, we're gonna have to eat our way through smeggin noodles!" Rimmer smirked, "Or you will have to, shall I say?"
"-And how is this my fault man?" "
Am I not your superior Lister?" asked Rimmer, grinning maniacally "when I say jump are you not meant to ask 'how high?' -"
"No" interrupted Lister "cos I don't pay any smeggin' attention to you or your smeggin' rank…"
"Evidently!" snarled Rimmer "otherwise we wouldn't have this noodle conundrum on our hands" he paused "had you followed my instructions TO THE LETTER then vending machine 12A WOULD have been working properly however you didn't follow my instructions because you are a moronic, detestable gitty smeg head!"
"Whatcha mean I didn't follow your instructions…when the hell did you tell me to fix that smegging vending machine?"
Rimmer hastily whipped out his hologramatic notebook "February the 8th 2077" he read, before grinning smugly.
Lister did some quick calculations in his head "hang on…that was before the accident!"
"So" said Rimmer, crossing his arms
"So…why the hell are you getting so wound up about something I didn't do nearly 3 million smeggin years ago?"
"Are you suggesting I shouldn't let this bother me because, as you so rightly pointed out, it's in the past…"
"Yeah." There was a thoughtful pause off Rimmer "nope...don't think I will. This whole ghastly noodley mess is entirely your fault Lister and you're not going to get away with it that easily me laddo!"
"Dead git" muttered Lister,
Rimmer's ears pricked up "what did you just say?"
"Nothin'" lied Lister quickly
"You just called me a dead git, didn't you?" accused Rimmer, narrowing his eyes at Lister.
'No point in lying' thought Lister "yeah, I did!"
Rimmer screwed his face up in anger "you living beast"
Lister brought his hands to his face in mock fear "NO…how dare you…'living beast'…so scary" he then began laughing, thus angering Rimmer more.
"Smeg head" the hologram muttered
"Whoa" laughed Lister "you really mean business now don't you…come on hit me with your worse insults!"
"Complete, total and utter git"
"Getting slightly worse…"
"Disgrace to the human race"
"Gonna have to do better then that Rimmer" teased Lister
"Bastard!" "Ooohh…now we're getting' to the good stuff…come-on, send out the heavy artillery!"
A sly smirk played across Rimmer's lips "gigolo"
Lister blinked at Rimmer "what did you just say?" he asked, hoping he'd heard wrong.
"I called you a gigolo" smiled Rimmer, Lister turned over and remained quiet.
Rimmer was shocked by his actions; normally Lister would never walk away from an argument like this.
"Gigolos not that bad an insult…" said Rimmer. Lister said nothing. So he persisted "it's not the worse thing I've ever called you is it…What about the time I called you a disgusting excuse for a man, a waste of living cells, a specimen unworthy of the title of a human...and remember the time I said you smelled like a drunken bum who'd collapsed in a seedy pup toilet down moss side, a place where maggots have too much class to go…"
Still Lister remained quiet.
Rimmer frowned "snap out of this now Lister. I demand that you insult me!"
Nothing.
Rimmer was beginning to panic "you're not dead or anything…are you?" he asked cautiously.
There was a small murmur from Lister, "Leave me alone"
"I don't see what the big deal is…" huffed Rimmer "gigolo…It's hardly something to go into a sulk about is it…just because you've been put in your place…. God…how childish can you get…going into a sulk because I called you a gigolo!"
"I didn't go in a sulk" snapped Lister suddenly, making the hologram jump "it wasn't the fact that you called me a gigolo that upset me-"
"Ah ha" exclaimed Rimmer excitedly "so admit you're upset!"
"Smeg off!" retorted Lister before continuing "it was just that…the word gigolo…it makes me remember…summat bad!"
Rimmer's jaw plummeted to the floor "you were a gigolo!"
"Course I wasn't you gimp!" scowled Lister,
"wouldn't put it past you" shrugged Rimmer, he paused "so…why does the word gigolo conjure up such bad memories for you?"
Lister looked away "you wouldn't wanna know" he whispered.
"Course I would" said Rimmer quickly,
"you'd only tease…" Rimmer was practically on his knees by now "okay, just this once Lister, I promise I will not tease you…but if it's something really good to tease you about I hereby retract my promise…please" he added, as if this could waver Lister's decision. "No!"
Rimmer groaned "Please, Lister" he begged "I'll die if you don't tell me!" "You're already dead" pointed out Lister,
Rimmer gave him a dark glare "thank you sooooooooooooo much from reminding me of that fact…. You insensitive git…the good news is I'll forgive you…. If you tell me all about this gigolo business…"
Lister smirked "yeah right, there's no way I'll tell you that easily, Rimmer. You'll have to force it out of me"
"Okay" nodded Rimmer "then force it out of you I shall!" he grinned wickedly but said nothing. It was time for him to play the quiet game.
Lister suddenly felt very uneasy "why you grinning…Whatcha gonna do?"
Rimmer's grin widened "are you familiar with the song ' I know a song that'll get on your nerves'"
"Yeah" replied Lister, he remembered singing in on numerous schools trips and he actually received a weeks worth of detentions because after 356 verses, the song was apparently becoming tedious.
"Do you find it irritating?" asked Rimmer
"Not really"
"You will, when I'm singing my own operatic version at 3.30 in the morning"
Lister's eyes widened in horror "you wouldn't" he gasped.
Rimmer sighed with contentment "I would" he smiled.
Lister gave this a seconds thought "holograms don't need that much sleep do they?"
"Well…we don't technically need sleep, I suppose I could just not to go to bed…and sing for you instead"
Lister felt his heart race "but…but that would mean you could-" he trailed off, and dragged a hand down his face at the thought of his imminent doom.
"Oh yes" said Rimmer, feeling happier then he had done for months "for weeks and weeks and weeks"
"okay" said Lister quickly, jumping down from his bunk "I'll tell you, just please, please, please…don't sing that smeggin song, okay?"
"Fine" lied Rimmer.
Lister took a deep breath "right I had this mate called Hazza"
"Was he a gigolo?" asked Rimmer expectantly
"No" replied Lister "he was me best mate, and when I mean best mate…I mean best mate, we were more like brothers, always round each others houses...we were quite the double act at our high school…biggest pair of trouble makers…we did actually have chairs with our names on outside the headmasters office!"
"Why does that not surprise me!" said Rimmer, rolling his eyes.
Lister looked the hologram straight in the eye "if you're gonna be nasty, I won't tell you!"
"I'll be good!" promised Rimmer "brownies honor!"
So Lister continued.
"Seriously man, this mate…Hazza, we were like that" he crossed two fingers and showed Rimmer "in fact we were closer than that, we were like-"
"Okay" interjected Rimmer "I get the idea…you were close…so how and why does this link to the gigolo?"
Lister hesitated "well…things were going great. We'd pretty much planned out our lives to the full, we we're both gonna fail school, get jobs…Hazza would probably become a footballer or summat like that…and then we were gonna get a flat together…a bachelor pad. We'd even planned that out, we were gonna have black painted walls, white leather sofa…dead modern and we were gonna a round bed each. I even found a place that sold round bed sheets…do you have any idea how difficult it is to a place that sells round bed sheets?"
Rimmer shook his head in confusion "no…can't say I do!" he paused, wondering whether Lister would actually answer his question. "So why aren't you in you're 'trendy' bachelor pad in a dead end job and getting pissed every night on cheap tequila with…Hazza?"
"Maria" said Lister darkly, staring out of the viewport window.
"Who?"
"Maria 'look at me I'm Italian so let me steal your best friend' Staccato"
Rimmer frowned "names for kids theses days" he tutted "imagine the torment she endured at school with a middle name like that!"
"That wasn't her middle name you div, I just put it in, so she sounded as horrible as she was!"
"And was she horrible?" asked Rimmer.
"Yeah" nodded Lister "she was tall, slim, tanned, large breasted, full hipped, long legged, intelligent, witty and kind…"
Rimmer stared at Lister "you…are…mad!" he yelled "no wonder you have trouble keeping a girl if you think she's horrible…god…she's the type of women I'd pay to shag!"
Lister's head snapped towards Rimmer, who hastily added "but ignore that last statement, because I want to hear more about this Maria, and why you hate her!"
"I hate her because she stole Hazza off me" spat Lister,
"d'you have any idea how gay that sounds" commented Rimmer "Lister, is there something you're not telling me?"
"Right, that's it!" shouted Lister, climbing back into his bunk "that is the last time I ever try to tell you something vaguely sentimental!" he then began to busy himself with en empty larger can, trying to crush it.
Rimmer looked devastated "so you're not going to tell me?"
Lister gave Rimmer a disgruntled look "no" he replied simply
"you can't leave the story there" wailed Rimmer "please Lister, please tell me the rest…I need to know…I'm a nosy git by nature!"
Lister groaned and began to re-tell the story of Hazza and how it all went wrong.
"And the last time I saw Hazza was the leaver's assembly…he just sort of looked at me and shook his head…like I was some worthless beggar on the streets trying to steal his socks…" Lister sighed, before taking another swig from his beer can. "And then he walked off, one arm wrapped around Maria's Italian hips with a pocket full of A star GCSE's!"
"How dare he!" said Rimmer sarcastically.
"I know," agreed Lister, completely missing the sarcasm. "I remember Granger- he was our headmaster- he gave the two of 'em a special mention. Maria cos she got some of the highest marks out of our year and Hazza cos he'd made the biggest improvement…he'd gone from U's to A stars…and you've got to admit that's a hell of an improvement! So Granger there…singin' their praises…sayin' how he'd never seen such a strong connection between two students before and I'd had enough of it so…"
He was cut off by Rimmer groaning,
"What?"
Rimmer shook his head in disbelief "you stood up and gave one of those smart arse comments that only you and you alone can come up with!" Lister grinned for the first time since their discussion began "yeah! I stood up and shouted out 'it's called Sex sir, it's quite popular these days!"Rimmer to smirk, for smart arse comments that was one to remember!
"So I take it you and Hazza never made up...never got your bachelor pad and your dead end jobs?"
"No"
Rimmer actually felt a tiny flicker of sympathy but it was quickly extinguished when he remembered it was Lister. "One more question!"
Lister rolled his eyes "right, last one!"
"What the hell are we going to do about all these noodles?"
Rimmer and Lister's discussion about Hazza was quickly forgotten, as was the noodles.
Both acted as if the conversation had never taken place. But Lister couldn't stop thinking about Hazza. At the time he thought he was right, he was sure that Maria was no good for Hazza...that was before he'd had time to think about it.
He was suddenly struck by an awesome feeling of guilt.
Hazza had always put up with Lister's girlfriends, never complained once when Lister had to cancel plans because of them. Maria was Hazza's first proper girlfriend, and by proper meant Hazza wasn't just spreading a rumor that he was going out with a girl.
It was clear Maria liked Hazza, and it was obvious that Hazza was walk across hot coals with petrol on his feet for Maria, but instead of being pleased and supportive towards his best mate, Lister was cruel.
It wasn't just the fact that Lister felt guilty for effectively being the destroyer of his and Hazza's friendship, it was the realization that he could never say how sorry he was to the one person it meant most to. It wasn't like Hazza could be looked up in the phone book. Lister's guilt intensified at the thought of Hazza dying and not knowing how bad Lister felt about their falling out.
Lister grabbed a nearby newspaper in a desperate attempt to take his mind off it. Normally he was dead set against newspapers, in his opinion they were full of crap.
But whilst he was pretending to skim read through the paper, a headline grabbed his attention.
'Adoptive aims achieved'
A doctor today finally completed over 15 years of work by pioneering gene fingerprint tracking technology. The controversial treatment has been opposed several times by human rights protesters who claimed it to be 'playing God'. However the modest doctor insisted his medical and technological advances create more advantages rather than disadvantages. "I've known people who grew up wondering who their parents were-this way at least they will have some chance at happiness"
The new technology enables adopted or abandoned children to find their biological parents by providing a blood sample. This will then be matched against the world DNA database for a match. This system is especially helpful in cases where children have been abandoned without any information of parentage being provided'
Beneath the article was a 3D image portraying the doctor and his own family, and beneath that was a caption: From right to left. Sons Matthew, 7, Edward 9, daughter Sophia, 4, Wife Maria, Dr Aaron Harrison and eldest son David, age 15.
Lister did a double take, making sure his eyes weren't deceiving him.
It was Hazza. Hair a little grayed, spare tyre evident, wearing hideously unfashionable glasses but still the same old Hazza.
He studied the picture again, there was something about the eldest son David, he couldn't quite place. He had a scruffy rebellious air about him. His dark brown hair, which he'd inherited off his mother, was worn in dreadlocks that rested carelessly on his shoulder. He looked out of place in his dirty shirt and jeans next to his family, who'd obviously donned their finest clothes. A guitar was slung over his back as he smiled at the camera.
For Lister it was looking at a younger version of himself.
He tore his eyes away from the picture to read the rest of the article.
'Dr Harrison then went on to say "This is my chance to give something back to the world…and say sorry to the person that deserves it!"
Lister smiled, he had a feeling that Hazza knew Lister wanted to apologize. He grinned and looked back at the picture.
"Give him hell from me, lad" he said, staring at David's grinning features "give him hell!"
END
