Here is a collection of all the little bits we wrote that were either a) nothing to do with the finishing story line or b) left out because they would have added 18 chapters to the story or c) completely forgotten about until now. Enjoy
Rage and Sunrise.


This one involves a little explaining. We were going to have it that Lister finds out Hazza is a doctor and he then wants to write a letter of apology. Through a bizarre and rather conveniently placed rip in the space time continuum, the Dwarfers travel to the past, to the hospital where Hazza works and Lister sets off to deliver his letter. It's about 2.30 in the morning by the way.

Lister peered around the ward door, glancing up and down the darked room, half expecting to see Hazza, but he didn't. He quickly slid in the gloomy room, quietly closing the door behind him, he began to tiptoe his way to a likely looking office, if he could just leave the letter on a desk, a nurse or someone would see that Hazza got it.

"Whatcha doin'?"

Lister screamed, jumping about a foot in the air, he held a hand to his chest, where his heart was trying to beat it's way out.

"Is every one determined to give me a heart attack!" he snapped. He turned round, to face his follower, only to see no one there.

"Freaky" he muttered, before striding forward. He then jumped as he saw a small girl standing in front of him. He swore to himself, wondering if his heart could take much more.

"Whatcha doin?" the little girl said.

Lister stared at the girl for a moment, amazed he could he could be scared out of his wits by someone no older then six.

"Nothin'" he breathed, walking towards the office, the sound of slippers tapping on the ward floor, indicated the girl was following him.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" he said, with forced calmness.

"Yes" she replied innocently "but shouldn't you be in bed too?"

"I'm an adult," said Lister "I can go to bed whenever I want"

"Wow" gasped the girl in awe. She ran up to Lister, and took hold of his hand

"Are you a new doctor?" she asked, gazing adoringly at him with the largest eyes Lister had ever seen.

"No" he replied, avoiding their gaze.

"I thought not" the girl shrugged "you don't wear a white coat, are that funny necklace" she paused, gazing round the room with a very bored look upon her face "It would have been nice if you'd have been a new doctor. You look fun. I've got to know everyone here, so it gets rather dull, so you'd make it better"

Lister couldn't help but grin, this kid could really inflate your ego, firstly she said he looked like a doctor, and then she said he looked fun.

"Have you been in hospital long?" he asked,

"Nearly 4 months now, I needed a new liver, and it got all mucked up, so I've been in here for a-g-e-s now!"

"It must be really bad for you then?" Lister said, kneeling down to be at the same level as the chatty little girl.

"Not really" she grinned "I can play with all the toys, and I can watch t/v whenever I want, and I don't have to bite my brother to get the remote off him"
Lister laughed, he'd forgotten who kids where naturally funny with their sometimes brutal honesty and vivid imaginations.

"Listen…erm"

"Kelly" beamed the girl,

"Kelly, can you tell me where Doctor Hazza's office is?"

"Haz-za?" she repeated, wrinkling her nose up in confusion.

"Doctor Harrison, he's got blond hair…" tried Lister.

"Oh, you mean Doctor Aaron" said Kelly, very matter of factly. "His office is just down here, I'll take you" and with that she began to drag Lister to the other end of the ward, he'd been going in the wrong direction…he'd been outwitted by a 6 year old! The shame.


Having delivered the letter, Lister then goes to walk off but Hazza receives an explanation of Kelly and chase after him. Lister quickly jumps into a storeroom and meets. Well…you'll see!
A moment of polite silence existed between them, they just stood their smiling at each other, like you do at people opposite you on a train.

"So" said Katy finally "fancy a shag?"

"Yeah, alright" shrugged Lister, it took a few seconds for his brain to register what was just said "WHAT?" he choked.

"D'you fancy a shag?" repeated Katy, as if she was talking about something as conventional as the weather.

"Erm, well…what happened to being a feminist?" said Lister, shocked.

"Oh, I'm still a man hating feminist, Lister it's just I'm hungry"

"What? Aint there a canteen here or summat?" he asked.

"I'm hungry for sex" Katy replied, batting her eyelashes and pouting.

"Oh" was all Lister could manage.

"Come on" urged Katy, "let's have a shag, for old times sake"

"No, Katy I don't want to," said Lister.

'Did I just say that?' asked a voice in his head.

"Please Lister, for me" she persisted,

"No" he said forcefully, backing away.

"Why" she wailed, smoothing out the creases of her dress, in a way Lister never thought could be seductive.

"Because" he coughed, trying to ignore Katy's very full figure, and long, legs. "It would be wrong, immoral, and it wouldn't be enjoyable, it'd just be a brief session of loveless, meaningless, profitless sex"

"Why are undoing your trousers?"

"Why d'you think?" Lister replied "you're not the only one with needs!"


Hazza learning Italian: (Hazza has just finished ranting off in Italian, shall put English through Italian translator) Lister: what the hell was that?
Hazza: Maria's been teaching me some Italian,
Lister (slightly annoyed and sickened): Oh man
Hazza: What?
Lister: she's teaching you to sound like her, all weird and freaky.
Hazza (angry): Her name is Maria and she doesn't speak weird!
Lister: Hazza, she sounds like a cross between Kenneth Williams and E.T, if that's not weird, I don't know what is!
Hazza and Maria marriage. (A fight between Hazza and Lister, first line can be changed)
Lister: this is her fault, that bitch Maria,
Hazza: Don't talk about her like that!
Lister (very childish): I'll talk about her however the hell I like; she's only my mate's girlfriend!
Hazza: Fiancée
(pause)
Lister: tell me this is a sick joke
Hazza (shakes head): No, we talked about it and we've set a date, we're engaged.
Lister (very shocked): Hazza, man what's happened to you, girlfriend, doing well in school, now your getting married, you're sixteen, there's tonnes of girls out there you could bonk before you shove a ring on your finger. What next, a career, kids?
Hazza (coughs, and looks away nervously)
Lister: Ooohh you haven't have you?
Hazza (nods timidly) Sort of.
Lister: (mockingly): sort of, sort of, how can you sort of do it! (Getting annoyed) you did it, and you didn't tell me. Hazza man, (shakes head) I told you when I did it for the first time!
Hazza: you told everyone, by 3 p.m the next day, it was international news, the only person you didn't tell was Mr Morrison, the guy who owned the paper shop, and that was because he'd died before you got a chance to share the news!
Years on when Lister is 23-24, he injures his ankle on a drunken night out, he was jumping up and down on a garage roof with his drinking pals singing old World Cup anthems. He slipped off and landing feet first on a wheelie bin so goes to the doctors. There he is asked if he would mind a medical student seeing him, Lister agrees. The name plaque on the door says Dr Morrissey
Lister walked in the door, and was greeted by someone who was defiantly not Dr Morrissey.
Lister: Hazza?
Trainee Doctor Aaron Harrison started, dropping the thick textbook he'd been reading. No one ever called him Hazza nowadays, and if by accident they said it, he'd beg them to call him by his real name. In fact the only person who probably would still call him that was…it's couldn't be.
Hazza (bewildered but slightly happy at the same time): Lister? What are you doing here?
Lister (coldly) leaving. (Walks towards door)
Hazza (desperate): please, don't go
Lister: give me one good reason why I shouldn't.
Hazza (reluctantly): You…you're my first patient.
Lister: eh? But the nurse downstairs said-
Hazza: I'd seen lots of patients, she was lying, non of Dr Morrissey's patients wants a trainee tending to them. She was only saying that so you wouldn't come in here a nervous gibbering wreck!
Lister (guilty): so you've had no patients all day
Hazza: No, well I nearly had one a girl with a cut knee, a cut knee, even you could have handled a cut knee (adding quickly) no offence.
Lister (lying): none taken
Hazza: Please Lister, I'm begging you, (goes down on knees) please, please please, help me.
Lister (still cold): Is the last year of school still fresh in your mind, you and me had a fight, you hurled out every single comment that you knew, you knew, that they would hurt me the most, and for what…a girl. And yet, 7 years later, here you are, asking for my help, why the hell should I give it you after what you did. (Goes to walk out the door again)
Hazza: because if you don't, I can kiss goodbye to my career.
(Lister stops)
Lister: what? Why?
Hazza: Hands on experience is a vital part of my course, if I don't do any, I loose valuable points off my mark, this day is the difference between a pass and a fail. And the way things are turning out, I'm doomed.
Lister (shifting about, not knowing what to do): That's not my problem.
Hazza: What happened to the Dave Lister I knew who'd do anything for a mate in trouble
Lister: he's gone, just like the Hazza who tried to sell his body in the school yard.
Hazza (frantic): Lister, I'm not asking you to forgive me, or even like me, all I'm asking is that you let me treat you, get my degree, and get out of your life altogether…. please (does puppy dog eyes)
Lister: Hazza, man, not the eyes
Hazza: that's Dr Hazza to you
Lister: not yet
Hazza: soon…so what's you answer or do you need more persuading. (Dangerously teary puppy dog eyes)
Lister: o.k. Now turn your bleeding eyes off!
(Hazza begins examining Lister's ankle)
Hazza (making notes): how d'you do this then?
Lister: eerm, fell over, I was a bit tipsy, didn't see where I was going.
Hazza: Your lying.
Lister: am not
Hazza: This type of fracture only occurs from a fall from a height, now would I be correct to believe you were standing on some kind of building when you 'fell over'.
Lister: Yes,
Hazza (triumphantly) I knew it.
Lister: you'll make a great Doctor you, certainly know your stuff.
Hazza: Yes, but I also know your antics, and if all my patients are as reckless and irresponsible as you, all my diagnosis will be correct!
Lister: where's the old Hazza who went 3 months without washing, who handed in his maths homework 8 months late?
Hazza: He's gone.
Lister: Yeah, I know, and she's made him go.
Hazza: Maria, her name is Maria!
Lister: She's turned you into her bitch!
Maria: actually Lister, I'm his bitch. And I don't like the term bitch, whore or tart sounds so much better!
Another storyline we cooked up, Lister decides to go back in time (through another conveniently placed rip in the space time continuum) and be best man at Hazza's wedding.
"I can't believe you're going through with this" huffed Rimmer "It's insane, even for you"

Lister groaned softly and pulled numerous faces at the inside of his wardrobe.

"If History was meant to be altered it would be done by someone who had a higher I.Q then they had legs"

Lister turned to face Rimmer, who was stood in his usual 'i'm pissed off and i'm having a great time showing it' pose which involved crossed arms, a tight mouth and a frown that would send even the boldest Jehovah' witness running to the nearest exorcist. However Lister was anything but threatened by Rimmer's exaggerated show of emotion.

"I'd hardly call my best friends weddin' a big point in history" he paused, replaying Rimmer's last statement in his head before finally spotting it's fault "did you just call me thick?"

Rimmer sighed and said in an extra slow voice that was often used by parents to explain why red paint and cream carpets don't mix. "No. I did not call you thick. I merely stated you were a person of miniscule intellectual capabilities" There was a short pause before Lister nodded

"Good, for a moment there, I thought you were insultin' me"

Rimmer raised his head to the grey iron ceiling and shook his hands in a manic, grasping fashion as if to say 'why? Why was I cursed with someone who could be outwitted by a chopped up dining chair!'

"Tell me again why you're going through with this?" Rimmer asked, smirking slightly as he watched Lister grapple with the unfamiliar piece of clothing that was a tie.

"Because!" said Lister simply.
"Are you sure you weren't dropped on your head as a baby?" asked Rimmer "repeatedly. Do you suffer from short term memory loss and long term memory loss?"

Lister frowned in thought "no…at least I don't think so!"
"Then you should remember how versatile time is, you travel to the past, hand someone a tissue, and you start a world war!"


And that ladies and gentlemen, as they say, is that. So ends Staccato. We hope you've enjoyed it, BIG BIG BIG thanks to everyone who reviewed! Keep an eye out for some more stuff coming your way, we've got sort of a top secret story being written at the moment! Wait and see!