CHAPTER 8

Thoughts Of Suicide

Ayame stared at him in surprise. "You mean you stole Yurai?"

He nodded. "I just told you that," he said, "ever since I did this whole thing's been haunting me. Though I never show it the thought of me stealing his most precious possestion tore at me heart."

"But why did you steal it?" she wanted to know

He shook his head. "I don't remember anymore. All I can remember is sneaking into the armory and stealing it."

"So that's why you left," she concluded, "you didn't want anyone to know, but those guys figured it out anyway."

"But how did they know I was a thief?' he asked her.

"I don't know."

Espio grew aggitated. There was something else he had to tell or rather show her. "You want to know something else?"

"Mm...?"

Espio tore off his gloves and showed her his wrists. They had huge long scars covering them in many places.

Ayame gasped. "How? What? Why?"

He ran his hands over the scars. "Many times. Many many times..."

"What? Many times what?"

"Many times, ever since I first touched that sword, I would get this feeling that life wasn't worth anything," he replied in a far away voice, "many times I wanted to kill myself..."

He could see the sceens flashing before his eyes. The empty room. The knife. Cutting his own wrists. Bleeding. Darkness. Crying for help. Someone rushing in and bandaging his wrists. Being helped up. Being asked if he was okay.

"But why?" she still wanted to know.

"I don't know," he answered, "maybe it was guilt or maybe he was right after all."

"Who? What?"

"I was told Yurai was and evil sword. It makes you want to kill or be killed."

"Who told you the sword was evil?" Ayame asked getting up.

"Our master. Maybe that's why I took the sword. It was controling me or, I took it to keep people from finding out what it truely was."

Ayame said nothing for the longest time. Espio had never told her he'd tried to kill himself. Maybe that's why I sometimes wasn't allowed to see him. Maybe that was the real reason. But attempt at suicide? I can't believe it!

Espio once again ran his hands over the scars. "Luckily I haven't gotten that feeling lately," he said, "but when I do I can't control myself. It's like someone else is making me move around."

Ayame gave him a sympothetic look.

He was glad she didn't ask any questions. He was too worked up to give her straight answers anyway.

He sat down and she did the same.

He closed his eyes and shook his head. "I don't understand why these things are suddenly happening to me. Is my past coming back to haunt me after all this time?"

"I don't know," she said softly, "let's just hope that your friends are okay."

"Vector, Charmy," he said just as softly, "I hope you guys are all right."


Vector grew more and more worried with each passing hour. He was worried about Charmy. He hadn't seen the little bee since the night before and he was beginnning to feel a sense of dread. Not only was he worred about Charmy he was also worried about Espio where ever he was. I just hope he brings that sword if he actually has it, the crocodile thought, if he doesn't who knows what this creep and his bunch will do to us.

Vector looked up at the moon which was now low in the sky. Pretty soon it would be morning and the second day since Sherikan had burst ever so rudely into the Chaotix office. Where is Espio anyway? I thought for sure he would have been here by now. Just how far did we actually go anyway?


Espio did eventually calm down to his normal state but Ayame could tell he was still very worried and depressed about this whole thing. She just wished she could so something to make him feel better.

Then she got an idea. Espio always liked it when she played her music. Maybe it would help.

She picked up her ocarina, which she had dropped when Espo had knocked her over, and put it to her lips. She played a soft tune.

Espio knew that song well. He'd played it himself when he was sure no one could hear him. It always reminded him that things, even though they were at their worst, would soon be all right again.

Espio listened to the tune but did not hear it. His mind was else where. He was thinking about all the great things that had happened to him before he'd gotten his memories back.

His life had been fine. It had been kind of boring sometimes but it was things he knew and could relate to. This kind of experience was new and he was secretly frightened even though he'd never admit it. He could only hope it would end soon.

He glanced at Ayame. The music had stopped and he was wondering why. He saw the female chameleon staring into space with a blank expression.

"Ayame?" he said.

The female chameleon looked at him. "Yes?" she asked.

"Is something wrong?"

She nodded.

"What is it?"

Her face became upset.

"What?'" he asked getting up at walking over to her, "what's wrong?"

Suddenly she burst into tears and flung herself into him. The force knocked him against a tree hurting his still sore back.

"I'm sorry," she wept into his shoulder. "I'm so so sorry."

"About what?" he asked.

"For being so selfish," she cried, "I was only thinking about myself. You're not just my friend anymore, you have others too. Please forgive me."

"It's okay," he said gently, rubbing her back, "you have a right to be upset. Don't cry. I forgive you."

"Are you sure you can?" she asked, still clinging to him, "after all I said?"

He pulled her back and looked her in the eyes. "Yes, Ayame, I forgive you," he said again, "and I'm sorry for being so nasty to you. It's not your fault Vector and Charmy are prisoners. It's mine. I shouldn't have stolen Yurai from our master. That was wrong and I regret doing it. If I hadn't stolen it things would be different."

Ayame nodded. She knew he was right. The female chameleon let her arms drop and turned away from him.

Espio knew she was thinking about what he's just told her.

"I still think it was my fault you didn't get back in time to save them," she said.

So that's what this is all about.

"Hey," he said putting a hand on her shoulder, "there's no need to blame anyone. That wasn't your fault. Besides I still feel bad about forgetting you but that will be different now. I know I'll be a better friend to you."

Aayme looked back at him, not sure if she'd heard him right. "Do you promise?" she asked.

He put his hands on her shoulders and brought her in closer. "I promise," he whispered in her ear.

He kissed her lightly on the cheek. She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed. Was he being just a bit too forward? she thought. or are these his true feelings?

"Um, Espio," she said.

"Yes?"

She pushed away a little. "Why don't we finish this after we get your friends back, okay?"

Espio was a bit disappointed. He wished he could have at least one moment to forget about the situation. He nodded. "Okay, whatever you want."

Ayame said. "Thank you. I think we'd better get going or we may never get them back."

He knew she was right and had to agree.

He knelt down and picked up Yurai. "I'm ready," he said straightening, "let's go."

Ayame collected her sword and ocarina.

They set out once again.


The two ninjas guarding Charmy were not having a good time. For one thing they were tired and for another Charmy just wouldn't stop talking, not matter what they did to shut him up.

First they gagged him but he just chewed right through. Then they started wapping him over the head but that only made him bawl. They knew better then to put their hands over his mouth. He'd just bite them. Finally they gave up and let him whine.

What they didn't know was, Charmy was only being loud because he was scared. He had no idea where he was and he was all alone. For all he knew Vector and Espio were dead and he was miles away from home.

"I want my mommy!" he screamed.

"Shut up!" one ninja roared, "I can't take you anymore!"

He started to choke the bee.

"Hey, cut that out," a voice suddenly shouted.

The ninja looked over his shoulder. Sherikan stood a few feet away. His hands were on his hips and he was glaring. "Stop choking the bee," his boss ordered, "and put his tongue back in his mouth. That looks disgusting!"

The ninja grinned in embarressment. He let go of Charmy's throat and slunk into the shadows, hiding his head in shame.

Sherikan grinned evilly at Charmy and walked away.

Charmy started bawling all over again. This time he wouldn't stop.

What did they expect from a six year old anyway?


Espio and Ayame made their way through the forest. For the past hour neether had spoken and the silence was a bit unsettling for Espio. He wasn't very used to totally silence after living so long with loud mouth Vector and high squeaky voiced Charmy. He didn't say anything though. At least he wasn't alone.

But he realized since they weren't talking it was practicually like he was alone. He didn't bother asking Ayame anything though. She might not be in the mood anyway, he thought, just like when she blew me off a little while ago.

He remembered the little emotional moment they'd had.

I'd better not say anything about it.

Espio noticed she wasn't even bothering to start a conversation. She just walked with her eyes fixed ahead and her face void of any expression.

She said we should finish this after I get my friends back, I guess she's trying to keep her mind off that and me.

The male chameleon almost smiled. That was just like her. Always thinking about others before herself. Boy, I wish I was like that sometimes, he thought, but I'm not. I'm mostly thinking about myself. Man, am I self obsessed. I wish I didn't center 'me' all the time. I guess that's just why I never made very many friends and lost a few that I had. That thought saddened him and he quickly pushed it out of his mind. I can't think about that not! I have something more important to worry about at the moment!