There will be no disclaimer, because everybody should know by now that I'm not J.K. Rowling. I don't own anything I write about, unless you don't recognize it. In that case, I probably made it up and still won't make any money from it. Poor me.
Well. I certainly never thought I'd be doing anything good for Snape...and now here he is, the DADA professor. I seem to get crazy ideas when it's this late at night. Don't worry, he won't be permanently incapacitating any main characters, no matter how much he might want to.
Marauders^3: The Next Generation
Chapter 8: Defense Against the Dark Arts...sort of
"Defense Against the Dark Arts" Snape said in his whisper-thin voice, waving his wand. The random spells around the room lifted. Richard and Eddie got up, helping Henry to his feet.
"Hell of a way to start a class off" Eddie muttered.
"Since the first witches and wizards realized their powers" Snape intoned, with no apparent intention of apologizing for what he did, "there have been Dark wizards...ones who wished to use their power only for evil purposes. Upon completion of my class, you should be properly trained in how to recognize and defend yourself against someone using Dark Arts against you. I say 'should be'..." and at this point his glance rested on Henry, Richard, and Eddie momentarily, "because I'm sure this class has the usual collection of idiots in it."
It was right about at this point that Harry and Ron cut in. No longer content with staying quiet and watching Snape teach, they started mocking him. The impersonation was so good that Richard and Eddie couldn't help but snicker. Unfortunately for them, Snape noticed them and decided to give them a little test.
"Potter!" he barked. "How would I defend myself against an attacking grindylow?" Richard, caught slightly off guard, had to think for a second.
"Break its grip, sir!" he said. Snape's eyes narrowed.
"Weasley! If you were in Mongolia, and a Kappa approached you, how would you persuade it not to attack you?"
"Give it a cucumber with my name carved into it, Professor" Eddie replied. "But the Kappa is primarily Japanese, isn't it?" Snape didn't like that.
"The Kappa is more commonly found in Mongolia, Weasley...and it might interest you to know that your father didn't know that either. Ten points from Gryffindor for contradicting your teacher." He advanced slowly on Henry.
"Uh oh" Ron said. "I recognize that look. He's going to try and bully Henry just like he used to do to Neville."
"It's Potions all over again" Harry added. "Neville must have melted...what, about ten cauldrons thanks to Snape?"
Snape, who didn't hear any of this, bent down close to Henry and whispered, "Henry Longbottom. I had the dubious displeasure of teaching Potions to your father. I do hope this won't be a "like father, like son" situation. In fact," he added, looking over all three boys at once, "I hope none of you turn out like your fathers."
"My father defeated Voldemort!" Richard said before he could help it. A small collective gasp rose from the class (even now, years after his defeat, Voldemort's name could inspire fear...but not nearly as much) and Snape's eyes narrowed even further.
"Your father, Potter" Snape said, his voice lowering even more than usual, "was and is a bigheaded young man who considers rules to be beneath him. I will not tolerate the same behavior from you. Another ten points from Gryffindor."
"For nothing?!" Richard yelled.
"Ten more, Weasley...and I do hope you'll quiet down now, before your classmates start getting angry with you." Indeed, angry looks were spreading around the classroom.
"BIGHEADED?" Harry yelled. Fortunately, only two people could hear him, and they didn't let on.
"Well, you kind of are, mate" Ron said. He floated away a little bit as he said it.
"I know that, but what business does he have bringing it up?" Harry said. "We have to prank him. Now."
When Richard heard that, he hurriedly scribbled something on a scrap of parchment. Looking over his shoulder, Harry and Ron could read "What shall we do, dad?" Harry thought for all of five seconds before he smiled and whispered in Richard's ear. Richard brightened immediately.
Through all this, Snape had been lecturing, unaware of the joke about to be played on him by two students and their fathers. He didn't notice the whisper shared between Richard and Eddie, or the subsequent whisper passed on to Henry. When he turned and pulled his wand to illustrate something on the blackboard, the boys acted. Pulling their wands at once, they each pointed at Snape's back and whispered, "Lemonis!"
Snape was hit with a triple-strength Lemon-Face Spell. It was primarily designed to ridicule an opponent by making him look like he had sucked on an extremely sour lemon. However, at triple strength, the effect was much worse. Snape's eyes narrowed so far that they closed tight. He sucked his lips in so far they were gone. He couldn't see or open his mouth.
The class stayed silent after this for roughly a half-second. Then, as Snape started yelling (although it sounded more like a muffled groan) and stumbling around the room, the laughter began. Every first-year Gryffindor fell to the floor laughing. Ryan O'Hara's wand fell from his hand and hit the leg of his desk, making it vanish and causing the desk to fall over on top of him. No one noticed. Snape ran from the room after two or three tries (failing on his first attempts thanks to his collision with the doorway) and still no one noticed. The entire class was on the floor laughing until the bell rang for the end of class.
Above the din of laughter floated two apparitions.
"I think our sons will fit in here just fine, Beaky" Ron said.
"I quite agree, Lionheart" Harry replied.
(A/N: I only have one thing to say here...maybe two. The Kappa, mentioned above, is described in Fantastic Creatures and Where to Find Them as a Japanese water demon, not Mongolian. I don't know where Snape got his information in PoA. Secondly, things are gonna get serious in the next chapter, when the Gryffindor first years have Potions with Professor Hermione Weasley (nee Granger). We'll see if she's still a bossy know-it-all. Reviews please!)
