DUDES WHOA DUDES WHOA! (That's my expression of amazement.) It's been, like 17.42 YEARS since I last updated this!
So, anyway, I'm sorry for the delay. School's been a pain in the posterior, and everybody and their mother is getting sick up here in the great white north.
But enough of my pointless excuses. Let's listen to the story…
The two boys walked silently together down the street until they reached the nearby ramen shop, and Akira groaned inwardly.
I knew we'd end up here… he thought in dismay. But ramen wasn't that bad, and at least he got to spend time with Shindou.
…wait… he thought again. Wait a minute! Why am I doing this? I can't spend time with him! What if I say something stupid or start acting obvious? Oh god…
He was beginning to hyperventilate as he was thinking this. But he didn't notice, because he was too worried about starting to hyperventilate.
"Touya? You feeling okay?" Shindou inquired to his shivering crush as they sat down in their seats.
Akira said nothing.
"Touya…?"
Still, he said nothing. But Shindou just dismissed his silence as plain old Touya-weirdness, and ordered two bowls of ramen.
A little while later, a man in a purple wig roller-skated over to their table, doing a little spin upon arriving. "Here you go, hun! And don't forget, parrot feathers are the new WINTER FASHION!" he winked, as he danced away.
Hikaru made a great attempt to ignore that.
He picked up his chopsticks and began to swirl them around in his bowl, while blushing. What if, Hikaru began to think, he's figured me out? Is that why he isn't talking to me?
Both boys decided that they needed to get these feelings off theirs chests. Hikaru looked at Akira and opened his mouth. "Touya… " he began, "You know, I really…"
"Shindou… I think I'm…"
But their super-ultra-love confessions were cut short by the sound of….
A CAN OF TUNA!
… or… maybe it was really the sound of a helicopter!
But why, you ask, why is there a helicopter outside the humble little shop? What a silly question. Well, I did say they were leaving for China, didn't I?
"YOU TWO!" came the voice of Kuwabara, amplified by a megaphone, "GET OUT HERE! WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU TO THE AIRPORT!"
The restaurant-goers flocked outside to see what the hubbub was about. Hikaru and Akira were among them, naturally.
"Kuwabara-sensei! We can't leave yet! We haven't packed or anything!" Hikaru screamed back in their defence.
Sigh… leave it to Kuwabara to give you five minutes notice before dragging you to China. Well, I suppose it's really my fault, because I am the writer, after all. But oh well. I don't feel like writing filler.
And so, against their wishes, the two boys were forced to board the helicopter, so they did not have to face the angry wrath of many rabid, punctual old go dudes.
By the way, where Kuwabara got the helicopter… you do not want to know. So anyway… blah. They got into the helicopter and whatnot, where they met WAYA!
Hikaru and Touya on the way to the airport were as soundless as a dead racoon in a silent film. Waya, on the other hand, had his headphones on and was singing quite loudly.
"ALL RIGHT! WE'RE JAMMIN'… I WANNA JAM IT WITH YOU… WE'RE JAMMIN'… JAMMIN'… AND I HOPE YA LIKE JAMMIN' TOO…"
Oh good lord… Akira thought, There is NO WAY that I can stand another minute with the singing idiot!
But luckily for Touya, they soon got to their destination.
Meanwhile… deep in the catacombs of Egypt… or at least at the airport…
It's not fair… Isumi thought as he watched the three board the plane. Why do they always get to go to the cool tournaments?
Poor Isumi. Oh, how he wished to be 18 again… then he would be able to attend the Potato Cup! If there was only a way he could go with them…
"Excuse me, sir?" Came the voice of a woman behind him, "Are you getting on the plane?"
A very un-characteristic, evil grin spread across Isumi's face. "Why yes," he said, "Yes I am…"
A few screams, hair-pulls, and tie-ups later…
"MMPH! MMMPPHH!" the same flight attendant attempted to speak with a gag in her mouth.
Shinichiro frowned and said, "Sorry ma'am … but I've got a plane to catch!"
And with that, Isumi Shinichiro, who now wore the nametag, mini-skirt, and whole flight attendant-getup, ran with his high heels towards the aircraft.
Back with Hikaru and gang…
"Cool!" Waya squealed, "I've never been on a plane before! This is so exciting, man!"
Kuwabara rolled his eyes, "Oh come now, it's not so 'cool'. Why, back in my day, planes were 'cool'! Back then, they were made of rubber gremlins! And we didn't say 'cool', we said... mawowlers!"
But frankly, no one cared.
Touya and Hikaru looked at each other nervously, both knowing they wanted to sit beside the other, but both too afraid to say anything.
Obviously, Waya didn't notice the longing stares they were giving each other, because he grabbed Hikaru's hand and flopped him down on the seat beside him. "Geez!" he yelled loudly, "Hurry up and sit down, you two!"
Akira surveyed the scene before him. No… he sneered at the brunette, You're trying to steal MY SHINDOU!
He was mad, all right. But he was even more peeved when he saw that there was no more vacant seats in the row. "Where am I supposed to sit?" He snapped.
Waya rolled his eyes and pointed to the row behind them. "There," he said simply.
Well… Akira thought… at least I get to sit behind Shindou. He smiled at his rival… and then he looked at his seat again, and realized there was a problem with it. It was one of those problems that reminded you of sitting next to a crazy, drunken old guy.
Because… um, that's exactly what the problem was.
"I don't want to sit there!" He tried not to scream at Waya, who conveniently had his headphones on again.
"BYE, BYE, MISS AMERICAN PIE… DROVE MAH CHEVY TO THE LEVI BUT THE LEVI WAS DRY…" the coffee haired boy sang in English, with a rather bad accent.
Shindou shot Akira an apologetic look on Waya's behalf. He sighed, knowing there was no way he'd be able to sit beside his beloved, and so Touya parked himself next to the strange old man.
The chap had a rather obnoxious smell, which was like a mixture of spinach and spray paint. And if that weren't bad enough, he wouldn't stop talking to our unfortunate Akira, who was trying his best to be polite. "And so I says to the guy, I says…" the man slurred, "… get yer own sundae, ya freak I'm tellin' ya, some people just don't know when to quit!"
Honestly, Touya couldn't even figure it out himself how he was able to last as long as he did. With that man babbling and spilling root beer on him, Waya screaming, and the horrible in-flight movie, he was surprised he didn't commit suicide.
However, as disturbing as this whole experience was to Touya, things would only get weirder and weirder. Especially when he heard Waya cry, "ISUMI? WHY ARE YOU WEARING A DRESS?
Lo and behold, there he was, the older pro, wearing a dress and offering some weird looking people salted peanuts.
The raven-haired young man was a little caught off-guard by his friend recognizing him, but luckily, he had a clever way to fool the boy.
"Uh… uhhhm… I'm not… Isumi…?" he laughed awkwardly.
Yes… very clever.
Waya stared at him, as did pretty much everyone else in the plane. Hikaru's eyes were wide, as he mumbled, "Isumi-san…? Why did you…?"
"Erm…" Isumi bowed in resignation, "I just… really wanted to come to the Potato Cup with you guys…"
On one hand, Kuwabara felt as though he needed to say something along the lines of, "Isumi-kun! What were you thinking! This is unacceptable!" But on the other, he thought Isumi looked quite fetching in that little mini-skirt, so he said nothing.
Being quite embarrassed, Isumi glanced around the craft, gave a nervous laugh, and dashed towards the bathroom to spend the remainder of the flight.
"Eh…? Where'd that hot girl go? You know…" the strange smelling man nudged Akira, "I think she liked me…" he hiccupped a few times. The pro couldn't help but cringe.
Following this incident was silence, which was a welcome change in Touya's book. Things were actually sort of getting better. At least Waya wasn't singing any-
"WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND YOU'RE HEART… WAS AN OPEN BOOK… YOU'D JUST SAY LIVE AND LET LIVE… YOU KNOW YOU DID, YOU KNOW YOU DID, YOU KNOW YOU DID…"
… never mind.
A few hours later…
"Finally!" Hikaru wheezed, "I thought we'd never get off that plane!"
Waya slipped off his headphones (finally) and stuffed them into a random pocket of his backpack. "Yeah, that guy behind us smelled weird…" he gave an evil grin to Touya.
After scouring his suitcase, Kuwabara found the directions to the hotel they were staying at, and began to study them. "Says here," he read, "That we'll be staying at 'Hotel Hwen Luan'…"
Now, Touya didn't know much Chinese, but he was pretty sure that 'hwen luan' meant something along the lines of… chaos and pandemonium.
Can we say, omen, everybody?
So, to make a long story short, they made they're way to the hotel. Kuwabara let Isumi come along, on the condition that he'd stay in that outfit, Waya slipped on three banana peels (consecutively) and broke his leg, and Hikaru had to stop to give directions to a pack of wild Tasmanian devils.
Yes, it may have taken them a while, but they did eventually get there.
Hobbling on his cast, Waya shrieked in delight, "Whoa! I've never seen such a fancy hotel!"
The man (or woman, they couldn't really tell) at the front desk told them the floor their rooms were on, gave them their keys, and yadda yadda yadda.
And because I could not think of a more creative situation, Touya and Shindou were placed in a room together, as well as Waya and Isumi.
HORRAY FOR CLICHES! (Inset accent on the E…)
Kuwabara looked very depressed, because he was all alone in his own room. He really wanted to share a room with Isumi… "Couldn't you let me share a room with him? I'd even do something crazy, if you'd just let me!" He cried into the sky.
Suddenly, a booming voice came from above… or below… or at least from my computer screen.
"FINE!" It yelled, "But… you must… THROW YOURSELF IN A PIT OF HORMONAL CROCODILES!"
"Are you… God?" he gasped.
"Um… well… yes! Yes I AM! MUA HA HA HA HA! Now go, do as I command you! … sucker…" it snorted.
And so, he did. It wasn't hard to find a pit of hormonal crocodiles, because there was one conveniently place in a nearby Chinese NcDonalds. Ah, ol' reliable NcDonalds… does my heart good to see such fine customer care…
After a few minutes of wrestling crocodiles, he came back and huffed, "All right! I did it… and I tell ya, those crocodiles sure do have a mean streak! So, now can I-"
"NO!" came the voice again, "MUA HUA HUA HA HA HA HA HA HAA!"
Sigh… Kuwabara was alone again. But OH WELL! Because he's just a crazy old dude. Let's get back to the plot! Or… whatever you'd call it.
Shindou and Touya quietly rode the elevator together, until they reached the tenth floor. The two walked in silence to their room where, once found, Hikaru twisted the knob to reveal…
"One bed… ?" They cried in unison, faces completely flushed.
Oh, come on. Who didn't expect that coming?
Touya nervously glanced over at his much-loved rival and felt a warm sweat trickling down his face. This is a once in a lifetime experience… he thought, to be alone with Shindou, away from it all, in one bed… together…
He was getting excited, imagining quite naughty things, as one would assume. He stood there for at least 7 minutes; eyes glued to the bed, as all sorts of images raced through his mind like an auctioneer on Prozac who had just drank 15 cups of coffee.
"Uh… Touya? Aren't you going to come in…?" Shindou asked.
Immediately, he snapped out of his fantasizing at the sound of Hikaru's voice and his face reddened more than it had been a moment ago.
Oh god, what am I doing? I shouldn't be thinking things like this! It's unacceptable! And especially when I know Shindou won't feel the same… He reasoned with himself.
Meanwhile… in the back of Hikaru's mind…
"Oh my god oh my god we're in the same bed oh my god oh my god I can't wait I can't wait I just want to-"
THE REST OF THIS PARTICULARLY IMPISH THOUGHT HAS BEEN CENSORED AT THE REQUEST OF THE PARENTAL ADVISORY MOOSE. THANK YOU AND HAVE A GOOD DAY.
Curse that moose!
So, anyways…
The room was very large indeed, and was adorned with many lovely paintings, and… um, all sorts of other fancy crap. What, do I have to write a description?
The two pros started to remove their belongings from their bags. Hikaru was finished first, because Akira still needed to unpack all of his hair care products. The bleached blonde decided to flop onto the bed and flick on the TV to… um... the GO CHANNEL!
I have no idea if there is such a channel, but just play along.
"… and so, the Go world has been asking, What exactly has Mr. Touya, former Meijin, been doing with his life? We bring you a special interview, live, with our ace reporter…"
"Oi! Touya! You're dad's on TV!" Hikaru called into the bathroom.
Poking his head out to see, Akira sighed. Now, this would have been no big deal in the past, but now that he was retired… Touya Kouyo was a bit… well, crazy.
The segment on TV went a little something like this… (the bolded sentences are the reporter…)
Hello Mr. Touya! And may I say it's an honour to meet you!
Kouyo: Hello.
Are you ready for you're interview?
Kouyo: From who?
From you.
Kouyo: From him?
No, you.
Kouyo: From her?
No, you!
Kouyo: From the microwave?
NO YOU!
Kouyo: From me?
YES!
Kouyo: All right. So, what do you want to know?
Well, I was wondering what you've been doing these days since you've retired.
Kouyo: Well, I've been walking around, jumping off buildings, going in the printer, trying to see if my hand would appear on the TV screen by putting in the... oh... what's it called... wait… what's that thing... Oh! The VCR! Yep... that's the life.
... I see. How's you're wife doing?
Kouyo: WIFE? What wife? Oh... that wife.
How is she doing?
Kouyo: He's feeling BROKEN! Literally.
Mr. Touya, I mean you're wife as in the woman you married.
Kouyo: Oh! The wife! She's feeling like flying. That's why she jumped on the wheel of an airplane as it was taking off. Of wait... that was me.
Mr. Touya, just how old are you anyway?
Kouyo: I don't know.
…
Kouyo: I really don't know.
Well, I suppose that means you're around the age of 67?
Kouyo: I'm much older than that. I'm way, way, WAY older than that.
... uhhh…
Kouyo: I'm a bit older than two hundred thousand million...
... why did a young woman like you're wife marry someone so old anyway?
Kouyo: Well, I was about one thousand when she was born, then she grew up, and we got married. For some reason. That's what happened.
… okay... do you miss you're professional career at all?
Kouyo: Nope! I'm completely free!
I suppose this means that you enjoy all you're spare time?
Kouyo: Yes. I like to be a tornado! (spins around) Weeeeee!
… this makes no sense. Ah, what the heck. Let's talk about you're son,Akira-san. What do you think of his rising career in the Go world?
Kouyo: I think his career is on a steady pace. But more importantly, I hope one day, I can give him an afro.
Why would you do something like that…?
Kouyo: Because afros are metal and have computer bits in them!
Mr. Touya... do you even know what an afro is?
Kouyo: What are you talking about? I never said anything about an afro! I don't even know what those are! However what I do know is this. Akira takes three hours every morning combing his hair, and he wears underwear with strawberry designs on them.
… um… er… okay. So, why did you request a game with Shindou Hikaru for the first dan series?
Kouyo: To see if I could take his body parts and use them, and to see if I could do a cartwheel.
Use them…? Use them for what?
Kouyo: I don't know.
... this isn't going well.
Kouyo: Well, I'm glad you asked. The story of my childhood was like growing up, and that's the story of my childhood.
... You need medical help.
Kouyo: Why do people keep saying that…?
Hey, that reminds me, you remember when you had a heart attack?
Kouyo: Hmm… that was about a few months ago... and yesterday... and right now...
Um... yes. What do you think caused that heart attack? Was it because you felt too much pressure playing against Ogata sensei?
Kouyo: It was probably from when I went hunting... and then ate all those sea lions… (shudder)
What do you think of Ogata anyway?
Kouyo: I thinks that's he's in love with Shindou.
What makes you think that?
Kouyo: Whenever Shindou plays, he wants to watch. Like for his game against me, and the young lions tournament. And he was the one who sponsored him to be an Insei. He even played Shindou while he was drunk. Trust me, when you're my age, you can tellsense things.
... out of this interview so far... that is the only thing you've said... that makes any… sense.
Kouyo: What did I say?
Um... never mind. Well, what do you want to comment about? Any special thing you'd like to say to the public?
Kouyo: Banana split ice cream sundaes have light bulbs in them!
... um… do you consider that a bad thing?
Kouyo: No.
Why?
Kouyo: Because they taste good. That's why my tongue is electrocuted! (sticks tongue out)
... why don't we talk about Go?
Kouyo: Okay, we can talk about... LIGHT BULBS!
Are you obsessed with light bulbs or something?
Kouyo: What? Why would you ask that? I don't even know what those are! Wait, yes I do! Wait, no I don't... wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... (falls asleep)
Kouyo: (wakes up) Oh… what did I do? Who are you? What are you doing here? What am I doing on top of Mount Olympus?
… um… let's talk about… uh… farmers.
Kouyo: Mm… delicious…
… never mind. Let's go back to you're family. Tell us a bit about them.
Kouyo: They are young, and they are edible, I think, and they are… ceilings.
Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
Kouyo: No.
Um… right… yes. Let's talk about you're days off. You don't just sit here and play go by yourself all day, do you?
Kouyo: No! I'll tell you about that. Ahem… First, I start my day by going to the coffee shop near my house.
Makes sense…Kouyo: Hey, I wasn't done! Anyway, so, every time I go there some kid with hives says, "YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO DRINK COFFEE!" And so I say, "What? I'm so old, I can't even find my own eyes!" So then I go into the car repair store and I usually find them in there.
…
Kouyo: Then I go to the ramen shop, and jump into the bowls. But the people there usually think that my hair is the noodles and eat it. So, that's why I'm bald.
… you're not bald. (points to hair)
Kouyo: I'm not?
Nope.
Kouyo: Nope? Nope what?
Nope as in nope you're not bald.
Kouyo: I'm not?
Nope.
Kouyo: Nope? Nope what?
Nope as in nope you're- ARGH! Okay… I have an idea. Mr. Touya, Go fans from around the world send you fan mail all the time. You are aware of that, yes?
Kouyo: I am?
Yes you are. Now, I've brought a few of them with me today. Why don't we read them?
Kouyo: Only if I get 1.50.
... why would you need 1.50?
Kouyo: Well, you see it's quite simple. But it would be simpler if you told me what the question was.
… uh… I think this interview is over. Any closing comments?
Kouyo: Yes, I want to sing a song I wrote.
Okay…Kouyo: It's called… umm… what was it called… umm… what was it called… uh…
… um, it seems I have to go. Thank you for you're time, Mr. Touya. (runs away)
…Two hours later…
Kouyo: … umm… uhhh… oh! What? What's going on? When am I going to do that interview? … oh well. Back to the daily routine. Meow… meow… I'm a cat! Meow…(scampers away)
The only things in the young Go players minds as they witnessed that most disturbing interview was this:
Kill me.
They stared at the box of horror, neither knowing what to say. Then suddenly, Hikaru burst out laughing.
"Strawberry underwear?" he barely mananged to say between uproarious laughter.
Touya snapped at him, "It's not true! Father just made that up! He's not exactly…"
A huge grin spread across Hikaru's face as he fumbled through the drawer and pulled out…
A pair of strawberry briefs.
He couldn't keep silent for very long after seeing the girlie garments, and then the appalled look on Touya's face. He exploded in streams of totally insane laughter, rolling on the bed, clutching his sides.
This was very embarrassing indeed, and Touya wasn't going to take this. In a fit, he lunged onto the bed, and onto Hikaru, in an attempt to pry the unmentionables from his hands.
The two tossed and turned, fighting over the piece of fabric, and that's when it happened.
He didn't know why he did it then, he didn't know where he got the courage to do it, but the heat of their underwear battle, Shindou Hikaru began to carress his rival's burning cheeks; to suck and lick at his wet lips; to stroke his chest...
Touya was both shocked... completely, utterly happy. He'd never thought that Hikaru liked him, or that it would feel this good!
Embarrassed, Hikaru realized what he was doing and, with wide eyes, pulled away, then stared down at the floor. "I… I'm… sorry…" he stammered, "I don't know why I… um… I guess I'll leave now…"
He never got the chance to stand up, though, because he felt a hand snaking up his leg, which began to-
THE PARENTAL ADVISORY MOOSE APOLOGIZES FOR THE INCONVINIENCE, BUT THE FOLLOWING SCENE WAS EVER SO NAUGHTY THAT HE FELT IT NEEDED TO BE CUT. THANK YOU AND HAVE A LOVELY DAY
CURSE THAT MOOSE!
Well, more chapters that I hope you will will find mawowlers to come. Adios! DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!
