Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis

Note: Last Part.

Elizabeth had been back on Atlantis for just over a month and things seemed to be slowly getting back to normal. She was still not back in command, by her own decision, but was slowly catching up on mission reports. McKay had somehow found it in his heart to forgive her for shooting him and John was being extremely considerate and charming. This was all great, but it all felt false. She walked around all day with a smile on her face when all she wanted to do was breakdown. But she couldn't, the effort everyone, even Kavanagh, were putting in to help her transition back was astounding and she appreciated it, she really did. But she just wanted to forget any of it had ever happened. She tried to keep it within her but late one afternoon she just couldn't anymore. She walked to Kate Heightmeyers' office.

"Kate, do you have a moment?"

Kate smiled at her and gestured for her to enter. Elizabeth sat down opposite Kate.

"What can I do for you Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth dropped her head in her hands.

"I need to talk, about what happened. I know I said I didn't want to and that it wasn't necessary but truth be told I can't keep it in any longer."

Tears slowly fell from Elizabeths' eyes. She had over a dozen people on the base that would be more then happy to listen to her as she poured her heart out. John being the first among them but she didn't want them to know what was really happened to her. Kate, at the moment, was the only person she felt she could trust.

"Tell me how you feel Elizabeth"

Kate didn't exactly beat around the bush but this was the first time Elizabeth had wanted to discuss what had happened and she didn't want to lose that opportunity. Sure, she had talked to McKay about what he went through but she had a feeling that Elizabeths' ordeal had been so much worse.

"I feel used, violated, dirty. I can still feel that…woman…inside of me and I hate it. I hate that there is a woman like that inside me and I hate that Kolya was able to bring that out."

Elizabeth leaned back slightly

"I hate the fact that when I was her I did a number of questionable things without a second thought. I hate that Rodney as forgiven me so easily after I shot him, twice. The thing that scares be the most is that there is a woman inside of me that can actually do these things. I ask myself how I allowed it to happen and my thoughts always drift back to Kolya."

Kate sat forward slightly; this was getting interesting.

"There is a woman inside of me that can love a man like that. I wonder why the programming worked so well. Why I allowed myself to be manipulated"

Kate looked at Elizabeth sympathetically.

"You didn't allow yourself to be manipulated Elizabeth"

Elizabeth shook her head

"But I did. Some part of me must have wanted Kolya to programme me and it's terrifying that I wanted that."

Elizabeth closed her eyes and allowed her thoughts to drift, inside of her she found a dark place, the place where the woman she'd been still resided, as she looked into that woman she felt the feelings she had possessed for Kolya.

"She was in love with him. Kolya. She was in love with Kolya. Part of me was in love with the man that threatened to kill me. But somehow, I felt safe with him."

Kate noticed how Elizabeth had said 'I' instead of 'she'; Kate decided to push her.

"Did you love him Elizabeth?"

Elizabeths' head shot up.

"No, no never."

Kate observed Elizabeth. She was curious about what was happening inside her mind. She just had to reach for it.

"When Kolya was holding you as a prisoner, how did you feel about him?"

Elizabeth answered without thought

"I hated him. I still hate him."

Kate began to wonder if Kolya was the problem that Elizabeth was trying to rid herself of.

"How do you feel about yourself? Truthfully"

Elizabeth looked at her for a moment. Contemplating what to tell her but deciding that honesty was best.

"I'm ashamed of myself. I hate myself."

Kate was not convinced

"How do you feel about Major Sheppard?"

Elizabeth looked at her confused.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he was the one who made an enemy of the Genii. He's the reason they came to seize Atlantis, he's the reason you were caught. Are you trying to tell me you don't feel any resentment against him?"

Elizabeth stood up abruptly.

"I have to go."

Elizabeth left the office and Kate began to wonder if she'd pushed things to far.

Elizabeth walked round the corridors of Atlantis thinking about what Kate had said. Her mind was overcome with thoughts. Did she blame John for what happened? Was that the reason she'd been avoiding him since she came back?

Elizabeth passed the control room and walked onto the balcony.

She lent against the railings and sighed, trying to rid herself of her thoughts.

How could she blame John? He'd saved her, risked his life trying to get her and Rodney back. Elizabeth sighed as the door to the balcony opened and someone stood beside her. She didn't need to look to see who it was. She already knew it was John.

"Are you okay Elizabeth?"

She turned to him and forced a smile

"Just thinking"

John lent against the railing.

"What about?"

Elizabeth sighed.

"I've just talked with Dr Heightmeyer. I needed to talk about what happened. I was confused and I think I still am."

John turned to her, obviously concerned.

"About what?"

Elizabeth considered whether she should tell him, after everything he done to save her, should she tell him that she might blame him?

"Heightmeyer asked me whether I blame you for what happened…"

Elizabeth turned to face him.

"…and I realised that I'd never actually thought about it."

John cut in, slightly agitated.

"Do you blame me?"

Elizabeth sighed

"No, I don't"

John looked back out onto the ocean.

"You don't sound too sure."

Elizabeth tried to cut in but John continued.

"When Kolya told me that you were dead I blamed myself for making an enemy of the Genii. When the Genii took you and Rodney I blamed myself again and when I said you on the Genii home world, holding that gun to my head I hated myself. I've carried around this guilt for over seven months and I don't want to feel that anymore."

Elizabeth brushed away a tear and forced him to turn to her. She brushed a hand down his cheek. John returned the action to her, gently brushing back her hair with his other hand.

"I don't blame you"

She whispered it quietly but enough for John to hear. He lowered his head and hovered his lips over hers. He waited for her to close the distance between them and she did, without hesitation.

Elizabeth pulled away a few moments later, remaining in his arms. She placed her head against his chest and he brushed his fingers through her hair. In this perfect moment Elizabeth considered what could have happened if John had saved her before Kolya dragged her through the Stargate and she had a feeling that she wouldn't have ended up in John's arms this soon if it had happened that way. Her Grandmother once told her that everything happens for a reason and maybe the reason she had taken by Kolya is so she could have this moment.

Fin