MEGAMAN X5 SUPERCONDENSED

It's sometime in the FUTURE, but Capcom isn't sure WHEN. There's this orbiting colony called EURASIA.

World

"Here's a great idea—let's put a giant mechanical base in outer space right where Final Weapon used to be, because learning from history is for nerds."

Sigma

"I love nerds."

Sigma hires some POSER in SHADES AND A SCARF HMMM named DYNAMO to make Eurasia GO APESHIT.

Dynamo

"I would do anything for you, anything!"

Sigma

"That's just disgusting."

The Hunters MOBILIZE.

Signas

"I'm the Hunter commander. Does anyone else think it's an ominous omen that my name begins with 'Sig'?"

Alia

"I'm the government appointed female. Now that Iris got killed off, it's my job to annoy the players."

Douglas

"I'm the mechanic. You never see me, but you know I'm there, because the instruction manual says so."

Lifesaver

"I'm the medi…actually, no one knows what the hell I am, or how many of me there even are."

With this NEW SUPPORTING CAST behind them, X and Zero rush to Eurasia where they come face to face with TAXI DRIVERS.

X

"At long last, Sigma finally learned how to recruit real villains."

X climbs his way up a STATUE, coming UNDER THE DRESS and BURSTING into the INNER SANCTUM, where he finds Zero KNEELING IN FRONT OF SIGMA'S GIANT HEAD.

Zero

"Euphemism wise, this supercondensation is not looking good."

Sigma battles the Hunters. The tension RISES. The passion MOUNTS. Then Sigma EXPLODES and sprays TINY MINI SIGMA STRANDS allll over the world.

Zero

"Nope, not looking good at all."

The Hunters return home, thinking they have WON, but in fact they are SCREWED, because Sigma just watched that movie ARMAGEDDON and it gave him an IDEA.

Sigma

"Bruce Willis cannot save you this time!!!"

The Hunters must collect the pieces for ENIGMA, a MASSIVE CANNON that will discharge a highly focused SHAFT of energy to PENETRATE Eurasia—

Zero

"Enough already!!!"

X and Zero rush out to COLLECT stuff, but they quickly learn that STD SIGMA has INFECTED everyone who may have potentially been COOL.

Grizzly Slash

"You can't have my ball, I'm using it!"

Duff McWhalen

"This wet stuff is all mine!"

Izzy Glow

"My projectile equipment is for my private use!"

Squid Adler

"Back off, these tentacles are here for a reason—"

All

"ENOUGH!"

ALL RIGHT. Once Enigma is CONSTRUCTED, they try it out on Eurasia—

Dynamo

"Wait! Wait! Stop the plot! Good. Now play with me!"

Zero

"Was that a euphemism or not…?"

Dynamo's COOL BACKGROUND THEME is NO MATCH for the Hunters and he RUNS AWAY. In the meantime X tries to figure out what the hell he's supposed to do with these new CAPSULES.

Dr. Light

(Dr. Evil) "Oh, your capsule upgrades aren't in just one convenient little spot now, are they? What's that, they're not even practical anymore? They're completely and utterly useless? Well boo-frickity-hoo, son! You gonna cry, Number Blue, you gonna cry?"

X attempts PATRICIDE, forgetting that Light is ALREADY DEAD, and then the Hunters get back to HURTING EURASIA A LOT.

Signas

"Enigma succeeded!"

Alia

"No it didn't."

Douglas

"What the hell is going on?"

In fact this DEPENDS on HOW THE GAME CD IS FEELING at the time. Assuming it was a MISS, the Hunters must come up with SOMETHING ELSE.

Douglas

"How about we drive a big space ship into it?"

Zero

"And just who do you think is dumb enough to pull a stunt like that?"

Four Mavericks later, Zero PILOTS THE SPACE SHIP and goes CRASHING INTO EURASIA, making a big MESS. X goes LOOKING for him.

X

"STELLAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

Zero RISES with a purple AURA.

Zero

"Shall we create a plausible reason for why I'm going to try to kill X?"

Capcom

"You're kidding, right?"

The Hunters chase MAVERICK ZERO into this PLACE that is all TRIPPED OUT and cannot possibly EXIST.

X

"So what, now? I've officially entered the movie Tron?"

Big Goopy Demon

"Remember me?" (Dies.)

Rangda Bangda

"Remember me?" (Dies)

Maverick Zero

"Remember me?"

The two Hunters fight the CATACLYSMIC BATTLE that has been foreshadowed since the END OF X2 for reasons that even Zero admits are BULLSHIT. The BATTLE—and thus the only continuing plotline keeping the SERIES ALIVE—ends very quickly.

Sigma

"Hey, if you need a plot to finish out the game or anything, I'm not busy."

Since they have NOTHING BETTER TO DO, the Hunters agree to go after SIGMA, who this time looks kinda GREEN and RUBBERY.

Gumby Sigma

"PH33R M3, BL0CKH3@DZ!"

They all FIGHT. Sigma DIES. He comes back as a FRIGGIN WAREHOUSE.

 X

(Harry Potter) Riddikulus!

It IS. Sigma's STUPID PURPLE BLOCKS cannot save him from this TRUTH and he BLOWS UP like someone just summoned SUPERNOVA or something. Stupid Virus Land DISAPPEARS almost as fast as the SPICE GIRLS did, and X and Zero pause to REFLECT on how their series has just been FLUSHED DOWN THE SHITTER.

X

"I love you still, world. I'll make Elysium to save you."

Zero

"Fuck you, world." (Dies)

THE END