Megaman X7 Supercondensed

DISCLAIMER:

X7 can be summed up in one sentence, but that would not be as fun as drawing the supercondensation out in direct violation of the Rules Of Supercondensation (which is what I always do anyway) so I will present to you two versions of Megaman X7. The first is a more analytical take on the game in which concepts are presented that, such as the cases of the flying squirrel and of Red being a pirate, did not actually occur in the game but can be reasonably inferred. The reason I am doing this is because I used up most of the world's known puns on the last six supercondensations, and am thus attempting to score humor points instead by being what some cultures call 'batshit insane'. The second version, however, is more along the lines of what a "supercondensation" actually is.

END DISCLAIMER

The First Version

The world rebuilds itself from the SHITTY ASHES of X6. Mavericks are still causing TROUBLE, as demonstrated by this GENERIC MAVERICK GRAPHIC. But there is TROUBLE at Maverick Hunter Headquarters.

X

ANGST PISS MOAN I QUIT, AND FUCK YOU ALL.

Fortunately this GROUP shows up out of NOWHERE to pick up the SLACK left by the HUNTERS who are now WUSSIFIED without their FEARLESS BUT WHINY LEADER. They are called RED ALERT, and their boss is CHARISMATIC and only has ONE EYE!

Red

Arrr! Guess what color I am, mateys!

The world is pretty much DANDY, but then this stupid KID gets lost from his BOY SCOUT TROOP and FUXORS EVERYTHING UP.

Axl

(Airborne Ranger) I-wanna-be-a-Maverick-Hunter!

Rocky the Flying Squirrel

Hey! He stole my voice!

Red

Arrr, the cabin boy pilfered that winged rat's voice! We must catch him, and let's plunder and pillage for some DNA while we're at it.

Axl runs away from a giant SCORPION sent by his former BUDDIES who now want to MASH him into CRUNCHY METAL YOGURT, destroying the city while they are AT IT. Suddenly this BLONDE GUY with TITS shows up.

Zero

I'm a fifty-year-old Solid Snake reject who can't act.

Axl

Righteous! Let's pwn that scorp! (They do.) Like, wow, dude! We make a great team!

Zero

You're under arrest.

They go BACK TO BASE, where they meet the BIG-WIGS while something that sounds INCREDIBLY LIKE PORNO MUSIC plays in the BACKGROUND.

Axl

I left Red Alert, because they smell like ass. Let me be a Hunter!

X

BITCH WHINE MELODRAMA.

Signas

X has a point.

Suddenly Red's all like IN THEIR FACES with the TRANSMISSION SHIZNAT.

Red

Ahahahaha! You cannot escape us, Axl!

X

WHIMPER BLUBBER PANDER.

Red

Arrr, go get yer' social security check and play shuffleboard, ye retired pansy! Now attack, me hearties! Yo ho!

Alia

Guys, red alert, it's Red Alert!

Kevin Eubanks of the Tonite Show Band

Aaaaa ha ha ha! (Grins vacantly)

Axl

Dude I have to save Capn' Red.

Zero

(Sparrow) This Red…how far are you willing to go for him?

Axl

(Turner) I'd die for him!

Zero

Savvy.

Signas

And so, we are at war once again.

X goes to a bathroom and starts CUTTING HIMSELF. Zero and Axl go to duel the EIGHT RED ALERT BOSSES. However they get MOTION SICKNESS and TOTALLY VOMIT due to this MAGICAL THREE-DIMENSIONAL WORLD.

Zero

This reminds me of my college days…

In between the CASUAL SLAUGHTER OF OLD FRIENDS, Zero and Axl TALK.

Zero

Dey say you can copy anyone…efen zer' voice!

Axl

…Efen zer' voice!

Zero

Where did you get such power?

Axl

I don't know. I don't remember anything about my past as an experiment. But I'm just a kid, and I'm the key to the villain's fiendish plan!

Zero

It's your life goal to be every X-Man, isn't it?

Suddenly SCENES OF THE PAST shift in between the battles, as though to INFORM someone who is playing a VIDEO GAME or something.

Red

Arr, me thinks I spy a monk over yonder.

Cloaked Man

Well, I guess you could say I'm a…sympathizer with your cause. (Burns a bra)

Meanwhile, Zero and Axl are SAVING REPLOIDS by bringing them the GOOD NEWS OF THE LORD. After so many Reploids are THUS SAVED and subsequently and secretly HARVESTED for POWER-UPS, X suddenly locates his SPINE.

X

STUBBORN ACCEPTANCE OF CURRENT EVENTS.

Zero

Fine, you can come along, but only if you lose the Goth makeup.

X

MY LIFE…IS A SONATA OF TEARS!

The reunited Hunters run around like the THREE FUCKING MUSKETEERS and finish off the remaining Red Alert BOSSES, ending with the COOLEST enemy since SPLIT MUSHROOM (But not quite AS cool).

Tornado Tonion

It Professor! He bad! We must collect all Hunter DNA and put it back in Ancient Aztec Chest to break the curse! …It's-a me-a, Tornado-a!

Suddenly the backplotting CONTINUES, with some DIRECT QUOTES.

Cloaked Man

He possesses incredible talent. But his talents are wasted as things stand. Would you be willing to place a wager on my little idea?

Red

What you say!

Cloaked Man

Heheheh, you see that?

Red

You're incredible!

Cloaked Man

Well I hope I've…proven my abilities to you. (Sultry wink)

Red

Oh Professor, you frisky beast!

Everyone From X5 Supercondensation

ENOUGH ALREADY!

In between stages X seeks out his FATHER, who he REALLY NEEDS TO TALK TO THIS TIME.

X

Dad, I quit my job to work for social justice. In hindsight, I realize that was only slightly more practical than sticking my tongue in a paper-shredder. I really need some guidance right now.

Dr. Light

I hope nothing so bad ever happens that you need to hear this ridiculously generic pre-recorded message that flies in the face of all the other strangley intimate conversations you've had with my other holograms. Vote Nader 'XX!

X

…WAIL SHRIEK WRIST-SLIT.

Suddenly Alia STOPS DOWNLOADING MUSIC OFF KAZAA and actually does some WORK, locating Red Alert's BASE, which for some reason Axl COULD NOT LOCATE ON HIS OWN despite having ATE SLEPT AND SHAT THERE all his godforsaken LIFE.

Axl

I have ADD, and am therefore cannot be held accountable for my own actions. Or lack thereof.

The Hunters HOP SKIP AND JUMP BUT MOSTLY SKIP down PALACE ROAD, defeating a big SMASHY THING and arriving at CRIMSON PALACE, which looks kind of like a FRAT HOUSE. Before long they meet RED.

Red

Axl, me lad. I'm glad you've come home to break tha curse. Just watch out for that scallywag, the Professor.

Axl

Don't worry Red, I'll save you!

Red

I'm glad we had this friendly and completely unthreatening conversation. Prepare to die.

Axl

But that makes utterly no sense!

Red

Arr! No one steals a squirrel's voice while I be dread ruler o' the seven seas! Walk the plank, ye enemy of PETA!

The battle begins. Red CLONES himself, but like Tonion he is NOT AS COOL AS SPLIT MUSHROOM and gets his ASS handed to him with a side order of BITCHSLAP.

Zero

You should have known better than to withhold information from a federal agent, especially when that agent has no qualms about ripping that nonexistent patch off your eye and skullfucking you to death.

Red

Arr, ye have a point. Anyhoo, I've set this place to self-destruct and kill us all.

Axl

No! You're coming with us!

Red

Are you kidding? I just started a war to save a flying rat's voice and to please a horny bald dude. I'm going out while I'm ahead! (Dies)

Axl

SHANE! OHHH, SHAAAANE!

The place EXPLODES, only…it…DOESN'T…REALLY…EXPLODE AT ALL, because the Hunters are STILL THERE…YEAH…WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER. Anyway, they find this place that looks like it's from the "X" FILES—

Kevin Eubanks

Aaaa ha ha ha! (Vacant grin)

—…YEAH, and after beating ALL EIGHT BOSSES AGAIN FOR NO EXPLICABLE REASON OTHER THAN TRADITION—

George W. Bush

Fighting all eight bosses over again is a sacred tradition. In fact it is the cornerstone of Megaman society, and I support a constitutional amendment to—

STOP INTERRUPTING ME BITCHES. Ahem. The Hunters meet THE PROFESSOR, who reveals himself to be…

Al-Gore-Sigma

Hoo-hah! Recount number seven bitches! I'll do it again and again! I WILL make X and Zero and Florida MINE! (Sultry wink)

Zero

I really cannot begin to count the number of ways that last bit was wrong.

X

INCENSED EXPRESSION OF VITRIOL.

The Hunters and Sigma fight on an ELEVATOR which is going DOWN. Let us all be clear on the fact that the elevator is FALLING. Then all of a sudden the Hunters are way the hell UP IN OUTER SPACE. What the FUCK.

Axl

I can see my house from here!

Suddenly Sigma comes back dressed up as BUZZ LIGHTYEAR.

Sigma

To infinity…and beyond!

Sigma WARPS and PUNCHES and SWINGS HIS CROTCH-SWORD at the Hunters, but they RUIN HIS SHIT and they all fly back to EARTH. The Hunters return to Crimson Palace, where BROKEN-ASS SIGMA confronts them. Suddenly RED shows up to help Sigma make METAL SUSHI out of the Hunters.

Sigma

Ahaha, very nice Red, together we will amaze all with our enormous—

Red SHOOTS SIGMA THROUGH THE FACE. Sigma flies out the WINDOW.

Sigma

This isn't flying! It's falling with sty—(Dies)

"Red" morphs back into AXL, who's CLEVER DISGUISE and PLUCKY COURAGE has saved the WORLD, even though if he had never been BORN the conflict would not have HAPPENED but let's not stick to DETAILS. Now that the battle is over people start with their respective CONCLUSIONS.

Zero

Why's the rum gone? WHY'S THE RUM GONE—(Wakes up) Oh god, what a nightmare!

Axl

X, can I be a Hunter now?

X

EXPLETIVE DELETED.

Axl

Yay!

Alia

You know, Axl's really kicking some ass. I think we should give him more prestige.

X

I WANT MY SERIES BACK.

THE END

The Other Version

This ALTERNATE HUNTING UNIT thinks that they are REPLIFORCE but they're NOT and then GAMERS who HATE the departure from TWO-DIMENSIONS take out their RAGE on FURRY WOODLAND CREATURES and it is HILARIOUS TO WATCH because I'm one of like four people on earth who actually ENJOYED THE GAME.

THE END