Sitting in the Emergency Room at Bethesda hours later, Mac found it hard to reconcile the man lying in the bed in front of her with the man who had stormed out of her office earlier that day. Asleep now, curled up on his good side, Harm looked more at peace than she could remember seeing him for some time. She knew that the painkillers they'd given him probably had something to do with it but she was grateful nevertheless.
The ride to the hospital had been a tense one. Once they'd got outside the JAG building he had put up a protest, albeit a weak one. She'd been tempted to give in to him, his pain chipping away at her defences, but she'd held fast. By the time she'd helped him into her car - not an easy task with its low slung seats - he'd fallen silent, only the sound of his uneven breathing intruding on the silence.
Quietly, she'd stood by for what had seemed like forever, as they'd run tests on Harm. Several times they'd wheeled him away to other departments but she'd waited, not sure what else to do. She wasn't even sure that he wanted her there but she_needed_to be there so she'd waited, pacing out a route between the waiting room and his bed to pass the time. Now, finally, they'd finished and the doctor in charge had promised to be back later with the results.
Beside her Harm stirred, his eyelids twitching restlessly. Reaching out she covered his good hand with hers, gently stroking his fingers until he stilled again. His hand felt warm under hers, the skin on his fingertips slightly rough against her own. She took strength from his touch. His face might still be pale, the shadows under his eyes the evidence of the pain he'd been in but it was all so different from the last time she'd sat beside his hospital bed.
So very different, she remembered, blinking herself back to the present. There'd been no sense of urgency this time. This time, as the last nurse had left, she'd pulled the curtains closed around the bed, leaving she and Harm alone together in their own peaceful oasis, separating them from the busy hustle of the Emergency Room outside. Last time there had been a sea of doctors and nurses swarming around Harm's gurney, so many that she'd had difficulty picking him out. She'd tried though, convinced that if she kept her gaze on him then he wouldn't go, that he needed something to hold onto. Stupid, she realised with hindsight, but at the time she would have done anything to keep him alive.
Anything? For a second she considered that, the orange and white stripes on the curtains around her blurring out of focus. She needed him; four weeks without him had proved that to her. But what she have done_anything_ for him?
Yes.
Would he have done the same for her? Yes. She was certain of that, although she wasn't sure he'd be doing it for the same reason as her. He..._they_had always danced around that particular issue, but she knew she could trust him with her life. And she'd always been happy to go along with the dance, never quite ready to trust another man with her heart. Four weeks ago she'd been so close though. She would have confessed everything to keep him alive.
With a sigh she focused on Harm again and found herself being watched by a pair of sleepy blue eyes. As his long fingers shifted under hers she moved her hand to a more innocent position on the bedcover and gave him a soft smile.
"Welcome back."
Disorientated, Harm blinked at her a few times. Licking his lips, he finally found his voice. "How long have I been out?"
"One hour, sixteen minutes," she told him.
Her answer was met with a dry chuckle. "Never gonna figure out how you do that."
"Some of us have got it..." she retorted gently. "How you feeling?"
Cautiously shifting in the bed, he seemed to consider her question. "Better," he announced finally.
"Good." Taking a deep breath, she voiced the question that had been bothering her all night. "How long's this been going on, Harm? And don't try telling me this is this first time this has happened. Last night, remember?"
Carefully pulling himself up his pillows, he met her question with his familiar self-depreciating smile. "A few days. I guess I thought it would pass." Twisting around he tried to move one of the pillows. Grimacing as his shoulder protested, she reached over and shifted it for him, holding it in place long enough for him to get comfortable. "Did they say when they're letting me out of here?" he asked, settling down again.
"The doctor said she wanted to check your medical records. She should be back anytime soon."
He let out a heavy sigh. "Had enough of this place to last me a lifetime," he explained, as she quirked an eyebrow at him.
"That makes two of us."
She hadn't meant for her words to be accompanied by a sigh of her own but they had and now it was Harm's turn to look quizzical.
"You okay, Mac?"
"Fine," she reassured him. There was a look of sympathy in his eyes that brought a lump to her throat but she swallowed it down. Four weeks ago things had been so different, she reminded herself. Now... Now they were back to dancing again.
The sound of the curtains being pulled open was a welcome distraction. Looking up, she discovered that the doctor had returned. In her mid-thirties, with a warm yet no nonsense bedside attitude, Mac had taken a liking to the medic straight away. What Harm thought of her, Mac wasn't sure. She had a feeling though that the doctor had dealt with stubborn jetjocks before.
"Ah, Commander Rabb. Good, you're awake." Pulling the curtains closed behind her, the doctor settled herself down on the side of the bed where Harm could see her. "We've got the tests back. Do you want to hear what I've got?"
From the expression that flashed across Harm's eyes, Mac guessed it was the last thing he wanted to hear. Looking down at his hands, then over at the curtains, he seemed to be looking everywhere but at the doctor. Her heart going out to him, she reached out to give his hand a reassuring squeeze.
"It'll be fine, Harm."
Slowly his eyes met hers. Her gut twisted at the uncertainty in his eyes but his next words made it twist even more.
"Um...Mac...could you give us a minute?"
For a second the words didn't sink in. Glancing over at the doctor she saw a flicker of surprise in the woman's eyes but then it was gone, professionally masked. Harm, on the other hand, wouldn't meet her gaze. The closeness they'd shared only moments before was now just a memory.
"Sure," she agreed, switching into automatic pilot and getting to her feet. "I'll get a coffee or something."
Not looking back, Mac stepped out, closing the curtains behind her. The Emergency Room was busy but she let the bustle wash over her, her mind still on what had just happened. Harm had_dismissed_her. Okay, he hadn't wanted to come to the hospital but to just_dismiss_her after she'd waited for him, after she'd stayed with him the night before... Her confusion quickly changing to anger she scanned the scene around her. Hell, if he didn't want her there then why was she staying? She had better things to be doing than worrying about him. He wanted to get a cab home? Then let him.
Decision made, she was on the verge of leaving when something caught her attention; it was the doctor talking to Harm and what she was saying made Mac back up, closer to the curtains.
"I've been speaking to your doctor at La Jolla. I think it's safe to say he's not happy with you, Commander."
It was obvious this doctor wasn't happy with Harm either, Mac decided. Her easy-going tone of earlier that night had gone, to be replaced with one that brooked no argument.
"You called him at this hour? I'm not surprised he's not happy."
"Let's leave out the jokes, Commander. You know what I'm talking about."
"No. But I'm sure you're about to tell me."
Hidden on the other side of the curtain, Mac could imagine the sardonic smile that the doctor was now being subjected to. Unfortunately for Harm, the doctor seemed immune to it.
"You weren't exactly honest with the medical staff at La Jolla, were you?" Mac strained to hear Harm's answer but instead there was a pause that seemed to drag on forever before the doctor spoke again. "You led them to believe that your injury had healed when in fact it hadn't."
"I've told you, it was fine. I dropped the box and-"
"And nothing, Commander. I've checked the tests. I've run them past the doctors here and at La Jolla. The pain that you're feeling now isn't because you lost a fight with a box. It happened because you've pushed yourself too far, too fast."
"Let me be the judge of that, doctor," Harm ground out in an icy tone that Mac recognised from the courtroom.
"I don't think you understand the seriousness of this-"
"Really?"
"Really. Are you prepared to risk your career? Because that's what you're doing, Commander. That bullet did a lot of damage. Without time to heal and a further course of physiotherapy, you could lose the full use of your arm. Is that what you want?"
"I doubt that would -"
"-happen? Fine, it's up to you," the doctor shot back with a snort of frustration. "In the meantime I'll arrange for to receive another course of physiotherapy, starting tomorrow."
"You're removing me from active duty?"
The note of desperation was back in Harm's voice, Mac noticed, her mind reeling at what she'd heard. Her anger forgotten, she had one hand on the curtain when the doctor spoke again, stopping her in her tracks.
"No, Commander, I'm not. As I understand it, the Admiral has already agreed to keep you on light duties. I'd like you to take a couple of days off to rest that shoulder but after that, as long as you don't do anything stupid like losing fights with heavy boxes and you attend the physiotherapy sessions then I'm hopeful we can sort this out."
"I'm in the middle of a case, I'm not sure -"
"Would you like_me_to speak to the Admiral for you because I can if you like..."
There was a deep sigh. "No. I'll speak to him."
"Good. I'll leave a message with the physiotherapy team to call you at home tomorrow. I'll get one of the nurses to issue you with painkillers, she'll give you instructions on when to take them."
"So I can go home?"
"You can go home. Just think about what I've said. Do as I say and you could be back to full duty within weeks. Ignore me and you can kiss those wings of yours goodbye. Your choice."
There was silence for a moment and then the bed squeaked as if somebody was getting up. Too late Mac jumped back as the doctor appeared through the curtain, pulling it shut behind her. Guiltily she searched for an excuse as the doctor fixed her with a knowing gaze but the other woman beat her to it.
"Ah, you're back just in time," the doctor announced, her voice loud enough to be heard on the other side of the curtain. "I've just told Commander Rabb that he can go home."
Bewildered, Mac struggled to find her voice. "Thanks." The doctor held her gaze for a second more, then nodded and left. Mac watched her go, taking a moment to get her thoughts together. Then, sucking in a deep breath, she pulled the curtains open.
"So, how'd it go?" she asked, cringing inwardly at the brittle sound of her voice.
Harm was already half way off the bed, his legs hanging over the edge. "Emergency over," he told her, his Flyboy grin firmly back in place. "The doc says I can go home."
"Yeah, I know, she told me," Mac replied hesitantly, not sure how deal with her partner's latest change in mood. After what she'd heard the doctor tell Harm she'd expected him to be angry or worried or something. The Flyboy grin just didn't seem right. "So what did she say about your shoulder?" she asked, reaching over to undo the laces on the back of his gown.
Harm pulled a face. "She wants me to take it easy for a couple of days. And I've got to go for physio, just as a precaution."
"That's it?"
"You want more?" The Flyboy grin was being put to full use.
"No, course not," she replied, using all her courtroom skills to shield her real feelings. "It's just earlier, down in the basement, it looked serious..."
"Mac, it's nothing," he told her earnestly. "I pulled a muscle, that's all. A few hours of physio and it'll be fine."
"Great. "From somewhere deep inside her she dragged up a smile. It was a poor effort but Harm didn't seem to notice. The gown lying loose around his shoulders, he cocked an eyebrow at her then nodded at the curtains, his eyes sparkling with amusement. He wanted some privacy to get changed she realised belatedly. It was a bit late for modesty - she'd been there when the nurses had helped him into the gown - but she did as he asked, relieved for an excuse to escape.
She shouldn't have listened to the doctor's conversation she admitted to herself as she walked to the waiting room, needing some space to think. But the fact was she had. Now she felt as if all her breath had been knocked out of her, her concern for Harm making it hard for her to breathe. So many of the pieces had fallen together; the reason why the Admiral had assigned Harm second chair, Harm's reluctance to have her there while he was talking to the doctor, to name but two. There were still so many pieces missing though. Why had he lied to the doctor's at La Jolla? He could be stubborn sometimes but he wasn't stupid and she couldn't believe he would do anything to jeopardise his flying career. And why had he lied to her, just then?
The sense of uneasiness she'd felt the night before had suddenly grown two-fold. She needed time to think. A few days would be good but she wasn't going to get it. She had to figure out she was going to handle this and how she was going to handle Harm. Her heart was telling her that the confident, passionate, loyal and, right now, stubborn man that she'd come to love needed her. But how the hell was she supposed to convince him of that without confessing she'd listened in?
TBC
The ride to the hospital had been a tense one. Once they'd got outside the JAG building he had put up a protest, albeit a weak one. She'd been tempted to give in to him, his pain chipping away at her defences, but she'd held fast. By the time she'd helped him into her car - not an easy task with its low slung seats - he'd fallen silent, only the sound of his uneven breathing intruding on the silence.
Quietly, she'd stood by for what had seemed like forever, as they'd run tests on Harm. Several times they'd wheeled him away to other departments but she'd waited, not sure what else to do. She wasn't even sure that he wanted her there but she_needed_to be there so she'd waited, pacing out a route between the waiting room and his bed to pass the time. Now, finally, they'd finished and the doctor in charge had promised to be back later with the results.
Beside her Harm stirred, his eyelids twitching restlessly. Reaching out she covered his good hand with hers, gently stroking his fingers until he stilled again. His hand felt warm under hers, the skin on his fingertips slightly rough against her own. She took strength from his touch. His face might still be pale, the shadows under his eyes the evidence of the pain he'd been in but it was all so different from the last time she'd sat beside his hospital bed.
So very different, she remembered, blinking herself back to the present. There'd been no sense of urgency this time. This time, as the last nurse had left, she'd pulled the curtains closed around the bed, leaving she and Harm alone together in their own peaceful oasis, separating them from the busy hustle of the Emergency Room outside. Last time there had been a sea of doctors and nurses swarming around Harm's gurney, so many that she'd had difficulty picking him out. She'd tried though, convinced that if she kept her gaze on him then he wouldn't go, that he needed something to hold onto. Stupid, she realised with hindsight, but at the time she would have done anything to keep him alive.
Anything? For a second she considered that, the orange and white stripes on the curtains around her blurring out of focus. She needed him; four weeks without him had proved that to her. But what she have done_anything_ for him?
Yes.
Would he have done the same for her? Yes. She was certain of that, although she wasn't sure he'd be doing it for the same reason as her. He..._they_had always danced around that particular issue, but she knew she could trust him with her life. And she'd always been happy to go along with the dance, never quite ready to trust another man with her heart. Four weeks ago she'd been so close though. She would have confessed everything to keep him alive.
With a sigh she focused on Harm again and found herself being watched by a pair of sleepy blue eyes. As his long fingers shifted under hers she moved her hand to a more innocent position on the bedcover and gave him a soft smile.
"Welcome back."
Disorientated, Harm blinked at her a few times. Licking his lips, he finally found his voice. "How long have I been out?"
"One hour, sixteen minutes," she told him.
Her answer was met with a dry chuckle. "Never gonna figure out how you do that."
"Some of us have got it..." she retorted gently. "How you feeling?"
Cautiously shifting in the bed, he seemed to consider her question. "Better," he announced finally.
"Good." Taking a deep breath, she voiced the question that had been bothering her all night. "How long's this been going on, Harm? And don't try telling me this is this first time this has happened. Last night, remember?"
Carefully pulling himself up his pillows, he met her question with his familiar self-depreciating smile. "A few days. I guess I thought it would pass." Twisting around he tried to move one of the pillows. Grimacing as his shoulder protested, she reached over and shifted it for him, holding it in place long enough for him to get comfortable. "Did they say when they're letting me out of here?" he asked, settling down again.
"The doctor said she wanted to check your medical records. She should be back anytime soon."
He let out a heavy sigh. "Had enough of this place to last me a lifetime," he explained, as she quirked an eyebrow at him.
"That makes two of us."
She hadn't meant for her words to be accompanied by a sigh of her own but they had and now it was Harm's turn to look quizzical.
"You okay, Mac?"
"Fine," she reassured him. There was a look of sympathy in his eyes that brought a lump to her throat but she swallowed it down. Four weeks ago things had been so different, she reminded herself. Now... Now they were back to dancing again.
The sound of the curtains being pulled open was a welcome distraction. Looking up, she discovered that the doctor had returned. In her mid-thirties, with a warm yet no nonsense bedside attitude, Mac had taken a liking to the medic straight away. What Harm thought of her, Mac wasn't sure. She had a feeling though that the doctor had dealt with stubborn jetjocks before.
"Ah, Commander Rabb. Good, you're awake." Pulling the curtains closed behind her, the doctor settled herself down on the side of the bed where Harm could see her. "We've got the tests back. Do you want to hear what I've got?"
From the expression that flashed across Harm's eyes, Mac guessed it was the last thing he wanted to hear. Looking down at his hands, then over at the curtains, he seemed to be looking everywhere but at the doctor. Her heart going out to him, she reached out to give his hand a reassuring squeeze.
"It'll be fine, Harm."
Slowly his eyes met hers. Her gut twisted at the uncertainty in his eyes but his next words made it twist even more.
"Um...Mac...could you give us a minute?"
For a second the words didn't sink in. Glancing over at the doctor she saw a flicker of surprise in the woman's eyes but then it was gone, professionally masked. Harm, on the other hand, wouldn't meet her gaze. The closeness they'd shared only moments before was now just a memory.
"Sure," she agreed, switching into automatic pilot and getting to her feet. "I'll get a coffee or something."
Not looking back, Mac stepped out, closing the curtains behind her. The Emergency Room was busy but she let the bustle wash over her, her mind still on what had just happened. Harm had_dismissed_her. Okay, he hadn't wanted to come to the hospital but to just_dismiss_her after she'd waited for him, after she'd stayed with him the night before... Her confusion quickly changing to anger she scanned the scene around her. Hell, if he didn't want her there then why was she staying? She had better things to be doing than worrying about him. He wanted to get a cab home? Then let him.
Decision made, she was on the verge of leaving when something caught her attention; it was the doctor talking to Harm and what she was saying made Mac back up, closer to the curtains.
"I've been speaking to your doctor at La Jolla. I think it's safe to say he's not happy with you, Commander."
It was obvious this doctor wasn't happy with Harm either, Mac decided. Her easy-going tone of earlier that night had gone, to be replaced with one that brooked no argument.
"You called him at this hour? I'm not surprised he's not happy."
"Let's leave out the jokes, Commander. You know what I'm talking about."
"No. But I'm sure you're about to tell me."
Hidden on the other side of the curtain, Mac could imagine the sardonic smile that the doctor was now being subjected to. Unfortunately for Harm, the doctor seemed immune to it.
"You weren't exactly honest with the medical staff at La Jolla, were you?" Mac strained to hear Harm's answer but instead there was a pause that seemed to drag on forever before the doctor spoke again. "You led them to believe that your injury had healed when in fact it hadn't."
"I've told you, it was fine. I dropped the box and-"
"And nothing, Commander. I've checked the tests. I've run them past the doctors here and at La Jolla. The pain that you're feeling now isn't because you lost a fight with a box. It happened because you've pushed yourself too far, too fast."
"Let me be the judge of that, doctor," Harm ground out in an icy tone that Mac recognised from the courtroom.
"I don't think you understand the seriousness of this-"
"Really?"
"Really. Are you prepared to risk your career? Because that's what you're doing, Commander. That bullet did a lot of damage. Without time to heal and a further course of physiotherapy, you could lose the full use of your arm. Is that what you want?"
"I doubt that would -"
"-happen? Fine, it's up to you," the doctor shot back with a snort of frustration. "In the meantime I'll arrange for to receive another course of physiotherapy, starting tomorrow."
"You're removing me from active duty?"
The note of desperation was back in Harm's voice, Mac noticed, her mind reeling at what she'd heard. Her anger forgotten, she had one hand on the curtain when the doctor spoke again, stopping her in her tracks.
"No, Commander, I'm not. As I understand it, the Admiral has already agreed to keep you on light duties. I'd like you to take a couple of days off to rest that shoulder but after that, as long as you don't do anything stupid like losing fights with heavy boxes and you attend the physiotherapy sessions then I'm hopeful we can sort this out."
"I'm in the middle of a case, I'm not sure -"
"Would you like_me_to speak to the Admiral for you because I can if you like..."
There was a deep sigh. "No. I'll speak to him."
"Good. I'll leave a message with the physiotherapy team to call you at home tomorrow. I'll get one of the nurses to issue you with painkillers, she'll give you instructions on when to take them."
"So I can go home?"
"You can go home. Just think about what I've said. Do as I say and you could be back to full duty within weeks. Ignore me and you can kiss those wings of yours goodbye. Your choice."
There was silence for a moment and then the bed squeaked as if somebody was getting up. Too late Mac jumped back as the doctor appeared through the curtain, pulling it shut behind her. Guiltily she searched for an excuse as the doctor fixed her with a knowing gaze but the other woman beat her to it.
"Ah, you're back just in time," the doctor announced, her voice loud enough to be heard on the other side of the curtain. "I've just told Commander Rabb that he can go home."
Bewildered, Mac struggled to find her voice. "Thanks." The doctor held her gaze for a second more, then nodded and left. Mac watched her go, taking a moment to get her thoughts together. Then, sucking in a deep breath, she pulled the curtains open.
"So, how'd it go?" she asked, cringing inwardly at the brittle sound of her voice.
Harm was already half way off the bed, his legs hanging over the edge. "Emergency over," he told her, his Flyboy grin firmly back in place. "The doc says I can go home."
"Yeah, I know, she told me," Mac replied hesitantly, not sure how deal with her partner's latest change in mood. After what she'd heard the doctor tell Harm she'd expected him to be angry or worried or something. The Flyboy grin just didn't seem right. "So what did she say about your shoulder?" she asked, reaching over to undo the laces on the back of his gown.
Harm pulled a face. "She wants me to take it easy for a couple of days. And I've got to go for physio, just as a precaution."
"That's it?"
"You want more?" The Flyboy grin was being put to full use.
"No, course not," she replied, using all her courtroom skills to shield her real feelings. "It's just earlier, down in the basement, it looked serious..."
"Mac, it's nothing," he told her earnestly. "I pulled a muscle, that's all. A few hours of physio and it'll be fine."
"Great. "From somewhere deep inside her she dragged up a smile. It was a poor effort but Harm didn't seem to notice. The gown lying loose around his shoulders, he cocked an eyebrow at her then nodded at the curtains, his eyes sparkling with amusement. He wanted some privacy to get changed she realised belatedly. It was a bit late for modesty - she'd been there when the nurses had helped him into the gown - but she did as he asked, relieved for an excuse to escape.
She shouldn't have listened to the doctor's conversation she admitted to herself as she walked to the waiting room, needing some space to think. But the fact was she had. Now she felt as if all her breath had been knocked out of her, her concern for Harm making it hard for her to breathe. So many of the pieces had fallen together; the reason why the Admiral had assigned Harm second chair, Harm's reluctance to have her there while he was talking to the doctor, to name but two. There were still so many pieces missing though. Why had he lied to the doctor's at La Jolla? He could be stubborn sometimes but he wasn't stupid and she couldn't believe he would do anything to jeopardise his flying career. And why had he lied to her, just then?
The sense of uneasiness she'd felt the night before had suddenly grown two-fold. She needed time to think. A few days would be good but she wasn't going to get it. She had to figure out she was going to handle this and how she was going to handle Harm. Her heart was telling her that the confident, passionate, loyal and, right now, stubborn man that she'd come to love needed her. But how the hell was she supposed to convince him of that without confessing she'd listened in?
TBC
