Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter and Co...in my head.
Single Female Witch
Host: "Welcome to SFW, Single Female Witch. I'm your host Albus Dumb...uh..."
Bachelor #3- "Dumbledore."
Dumbledore- "Settle down Bachelor number three. I know you're excited, but you'll have to wait your turn."
Bachelor #3- "Humph!"
Dumbledore- "Now for those of you who are new to the show, it's very simple. We have one sfw and three bachelors for her to choose from. But since she cannot see them, she will have to choose based solely on their answers to her questions. The voices of all those involved have been magically altered, so there's no chance that they'll recognize each other. Now that that's all taken care of, let's introduce our sfw……Hermione Granger walks in…..Hermione Granger."
Bachelor #1- "That filthy mud…" 'voice is suddenly silent'
Bachelor #2- 'high female sounding squeak is heard'
Bachelor #3- 'has coughing attack'
Dumbledore- "Hermione is currently attending UWW and is majoring in education. She likes reading and muggle films. She's best friends with Harry Potter…."
Again Dumbledore was interrupted.
Bachelor #1- "Scarface!" 'makes gagging noise'
Bachelor #2- "What about me?"
Bachelor #3- "mumble mumble potter mumble"
Albus Dumbledore- "Hermione, you may now ask your questions."
Hermione- 'nods and gets out parchment which unrolls, hits the floor, and continues rolling off stage and into the crowd'
Hermione- "Bachelor #1, what is your idea of a perfect woman?"
Bachelor #1- "My perfect woman would be a pureblood and it would be nice if she wasn't my cousin."
Hermione- "Bachelor #2, same question.
Bachelor #2- "I want someone who'll boss me around and give me lots of babies."
Hermione- 'wonders what losers Dumbledore set her up with'… "Same question bachelor #3."
Bachelor #3- " Someone who minds their own bloody business and doesn't get involved in mine!"
Dumbledore- 'starts whistling'
Hermione- "Alright. Uh, what do you do in your spare time?"
Bachelor #1- "I dress up in a black hooded robe and mask and go to secret Death Ea…" BOOM
Stagehand runs onstage.
Stagehand- "Bachelor #1 had blown up!"
Crowd- 'gasp'
Harry Potter struts onstage.
Harry Potter- "I'm here, I'm here. I blew up Malfoy."
Dumbledore- "Oh, it's okay then. Let us…"
For the third time Dumbledore is interrupted.
Bachelor #2- "Harry! You can't just come in here and steal 'Mione. She's mine!"
Harry and Hermione- "Ron?"
Ron Weasley dashes onstage.
Ron- "You like me better, don't you 'Mione? I mean, considering what happened during third year." 'winks'
Harry- "Ew."
Hermione- "Ron we held hands for five seconds. Get over it already."
Ron's heart breaks and he dies.
Stagehand- "Can we get someone to clean that up?"
Dumbledore- "Well, I guess since our first two bachelors have….uh, well died, Bachelor #3 wins by default. Come on out and give Hermione a kiss."
Nobody comes onstage.
Dumbledore- "Don't be shy. I know you've liked her since seventh year."
Severus Snape storms onstage.
Snape- "I did not like her seventh year, you sick perverted old man."
Then seeing Dumbledore's smiling face, Snape realizes the sick perverted old man tricked him into coming out.
Snape- 'fumes'
Harry- "Let's get out of here Hermione. You don't have to go on a date with that greasy old git."
Dumbledore- "Actually Harry, this is a special edition of SFW."
Snape- "I'm afraid to ask."
Dumbledore- "It's SFW Get's Hitched!"
Wedding music starts.
Hermione- 'runs and jumps into Snape's arms'
Snape- 'gulps'
Dumbledore- 'looks at reader and shrugs'…"Well, we had to do something for sweeps week."
